Hefei matchmaking service: What are the requirements for dialogue?

Here, we specially invite Mr. Song Hui, an expert on marriage psychology in Anhui Aizhiqiao Marriage Talent Market.

Give us a detailed analysis and answer:

The framework of our choice of lover.

-scanning of contemporary white-collar concept of mate selection.

Now that we have the most basic life, we are backward. I believe nothing is more important than choosing a lover, because a happy marriage is the greatest gain of happiness in life. It is true that the contemporary information explosion society makes us more and more tolerant of the non-singularity and temporality of sex, but it will not weaken at all, and may strengthen our deep desire for a person who can really become a husband or wife. We can't predict who this husband or wife will eventually be, but it is based on the consideration of marrying him or her that we will inevitably draw up a general framework, which is both ideal and realistic and constantly adjusted. Recently, the author randomly selected 5000 white-collar members (half male and half female, with different age backgrounds) from the database of real-name registration system registered members 100000, the largest dating center in Anhui Province, and made a general statistical analysis, which is summarized as follows-

① Age: Only more than 20 years ago, the age gap between most women's requirements for marriage was only 2-3 years old. At that time, the gap of five years was already very large. But today, as long as other conditions are suitable, age difference is not the most important. Although most unmarried women under the age of 22 still require the age difference to be around 5 years old, many unmarried women over the age of 26 have given greater grace to the age difference. About half of young divorced and widowed women and most middle-aged women have relaxed the age difference with men to about 10, and it is not uncommon for the age difference to be around 15 or above. Some people say that this kind of marriage is full of snobbery, while others think that it is because young women are no longer helpless, but there are not a few examples of deep love. A 52-year-old widowed magazine editor married a 28-year-old unmarried female nurse and said: They are very happy because they have the same interests and understanding of life. He is humorous and generous, and she is kind and gentle. On the contrary, some women have begun to accept the concept of "sister-brother love". Most of these women are white-collar workers with economic independence or successful careers, and they don't care much about men's financial resources. They think that younger men will bring more interest in life, and some young men are willing to combine in this way and feel mature charm or complementarity. A 33-year-old divorced female engineer married a 25-year-old unmarried male electrician for three years and gave birth to a daughter. Their feelings are still the same, indicating that the marriage prognosis of "brother-sister love" is not as risky as most people think, and it may be unique. With the success of more and more white-collar women, this kind of marriage may form a trend within a certain range. But as far as most young unmarried men are concerned, they still generally accept women of similar age or a few years younger. However, most men over the age of 33, whether unmarried or divorced, still want to keep an appropriate marriage age distance from their own women (5- 7 years younger than themselves). Of course, they will be flexible according to the specific situation.

② Appearance: Beauty is a valuable resource in human sexual relations, especially for women. A beautiful face will make many things easier, and it can also predict the joy of love. But in the operation of our actual marriage, the more beautiful, the more advantageous. On the contrary, too beautiful looks will bring pressure to each other, resulting in anxiety, inaccessibility or insecurity. Moreover, beauty loses its connotation and is affected, so it is boring. In fact, no matter men or women, as long as they look pleasing to the eye or attractive (objective evaluation is more than 60 points), most of them will be accepted by the other party within 10 minutes of the first date. If the connotation and temperament are enriched, you can completely surpass those who are 90 points in appearance. At the same time, due to the influence of various factors, the aesthetic standards of contemporary people are no longer unified, or even very different. The love of beauty is indeed in the eyes of lovers. A 32-year-old university associate professor, with both talents and looks, failed to meet many beautiful white-collar women. Finally, he took a fancy to an ordinary-looking kindergarten teacher. He said it was difficult for him to find out the reason, and he was not picky about carrots. He really likes her because her temperament is a bit like May. However, in choosing a spouse, it is a deep regret that the appearance is too defective or ugly (including disability), but it is not necessary to be too depressed. Statistics show that it is entirely possible for 3% men or women in the whole population to ignore their appearance and fall in love in marriage.

③ Height: For men, height is more important than appearance. Women appreciate tall men (not too tall), not only for security, but also for being conquered. Most women (even if they are not tall) still take 1.75m- 1.78m as their ideal, and take 1.70m as their bottom line, which is more important for young women. But if short men can make up for it with other advantages, many women can give in, because the competition in civilized society is ultimately the competition of brains. But now many men around 1.75m prefer relatively petite women. Although the female height 1.65m is the most perfect, the height around 1.60m has the widest adaptability, while the height above 1.70m is shrinking. In the past, the idea that the best fit difference between men and women was 10cm has been broken, and now the height difference is more than 15cm, which may be related to the psychological factors that men are under too much external pressure and need to move to petite figure. Interestingly, many men whose height is around 1.65m require women to be above 1.60m, even taller than themselves. A boss of a private enterprise with a height of only 1.64m said frankly, "I hope that a slender wife will change my impression of being' stupid' in others' eyes for many years, so as to balance my inferiority complex. At the same time, a tall wife brings me pleasure and I care about the inheritance of future generations."

4 Education: The importance of education is self-evident. Now the national civil servant admission standard has set the threshold for regular undergraduate courses, and master's and doctoral degrees are better. The same is true of the talent market. A slightly decent job requires a bachelor's degree or above. For a time, education has become the second identity card and facade of young people (especially young men). Most young unmarried women attach great importance to each other's education. When young men enter the society for the first time, they accumulate less financial resources and social relations. Excellent academic qualifications may indicate a better future, and at the same time, academic qualifications also reflect people's intelligence and cultural literacy level in a certain sense. Although most men don't have particularly high requirements for women's academic qualifications, it is certain that a beautiful female college student will always be the wife admired by most men (especially successful men). At present, many young men with bachelor degree or above, as well as men with certain economic foundation or social relations, have made rigid requirements for women with college degree or above. They believe that cultural women have a touching style, and it is easier to touch the corner of spirit and soul in sexual relations. However, with the popularization of higher education in the future, the superior role of academic qualifications will gradually weaken in recent years, which has been reflected in the concept of mate selection of middle-aged women (including intellectual women). For them, only a diploma can't prove more, and a diploma may not bring future success. In the tide of market economy, there are too many unknowns, and it is an indisputable fact that many people with high academic qualifications can't pass the examination of those with low academic qualifications. Regardless of the protagonist's humble origin, the present situation of male society itself is the most convincing. For example, a 34-year-old owner of a building materials company, who didn't graduate from junior high school, wanted to find a wife and attracted three female undergraduates and 1 female postgraduates to throw hydrangeas. One of the 24-year-old middle school female teachers said, "I'm not tacky enough to just look at his wallet, but I appreciate his rich life experience and practical ability." He sat behind a big desk and made plans.

Occupation: There are many good enviable occupations (administrative organs, institutions, state monopoly industries, etc.). Those who are helpful to marriage are not only because of the stability and high welfare of marriage, but also because of the social superiority and image of marriage. But in the current social and financial crisis, it is not easy to have such a good job. Although it is tempting to start your own business and get rich, if you just start, it will not be easier than 10 years ago. You just need to ask those self-employed, whether they want to continue to open stores, or whether they want to go to public institutions to get paid to eat. Although many men are now paying attention to women's stable jobs, this does not mean that most women want men to have a good job, in the case of drought and flood. Women's professional paranoia about men reflects their pessimism about the prospects of general production and service enterprises, their fear of being laid off, their concern about the economic safety factor of marriage, and their career instability may also lead to psychological and emotional instability. However, in recent years, the advantages of individual and private owners (especially pioneers representing high-tech emerging industries) in mate selection are unique and there is a lot of room. Like civil servants in state organs and institutions, it is also a hot spot pursued by women of all ages. Most of the time, it is understandable that women tend to marry careers, but in the future social structure transformation of China, who can be sure that they will be iron rice bowls or golden rice bowls all their lives?

⑥ Marriage room: Only 15 years ago, the problem of marriage room did not occupy a prominent position as it does now. At that time, the housing in the city was mostly provided by the state, and there was always a place to live. The comparison between people was far less virtual than it is now. However, with the reform of the national housing system, the cancellation of welfare housing distribution, the privatization of property rights and the soaring housing prices year after year, whether there is a marriage room at the time of marriage has become one of the first choices among many factors for urban wage earners. The survey shows that most women's requirements for men's wedding rooms are rigid when they get married, and the hearts of young women are unshakable. Only by this point, those men with superior families who own 1-2 sets of full-property wedding rooms in better lots or communities have great advantages and attraction in choosing spouses. A decent house is not only the cornerstone of a happy marriage or the stability of a small family, but also a reassurance for a woman to marry a man and a valuable property. However, there are exceptions. Some women with good housing economic conditions said that they don't need a man to own a house and are willing to recruit a husband. On the contrary, they can raise the threshold of other mate selection factors. However, when getting married, it is still the main tradition in China society to prepare a marriage room for men. The problem is: for those young people who started from scratch, buying a house has become a stressful challenge or a heavy shackle. At present, in large and medium-sized cities all over the country, a small apartment also costs 300,000 yuan, but many vain men and women with less optimistic conditions have to March more than 1.20 square meters, that is, they have to pay 500,000 yuan or even 654.38+00,000 yuan. For a so-called decent marriage, these young people exhausted their parents' savings, borrowed from the east and borrowed from the west, and fell into the trap of high-priced mortgage to buy a house, regardless of 15 or 20 years of debt. The blind power of youth makes them firmly believe that there will be bread and milk in the future. But they forget that in the years to come, they will not only have to repay their loans every month, but also have huge expenses for their daily life and raising their children, and they will also face the readjustment of one or both spouses' jobs or unemployment. We haven't included very likely accidents, such as disasters and diseases. But what can we do? Marriage room is the last word, you have to have your own nest. Renting a house, the rent is also rising, and the feeling of wandering and losing roots after renting for many years is even worse.

⑦ Marital status: Although most young unmarried women still don't consider divorce, especially men who have had children, there are also many young women (especially independent women) who don't care much about men's marriage history and pay more attention to other aspects of men. In the past, the concept that unmarried women married divorced men were considered to suffer losses or "make up the house" has been greatly weakened. Although many parents have objections or reservations here, they are no longer vehemently opposed. This shows that we are more and more tolerant of each other's past sexual experiences. However, some middle-aged men who think they have better conditions still want unmarried or childless women. They either want another child or think that childless women are more emotionally exclusive to themselves. In fact, if middle-aged men become "fathers" again, most of them will be at a loss and the final result may not be optimistic. Moreover, some unmarried men no longer exclude divorced women, and even the other party has given birth to children. Some of them are still excellent. A 27-year-old unmarried master civil servant who graduated from Normal University fell in love with a divorced primary school teacher of the same age, had a two-year-old daughter and was not prepared to have any more children of his own. He said: "According to the standards of the East, I may have done a stupid thing, but according to the standards of the West, it is normal, because in my heart, no one in the world can replace her." Now that three years have passed, he has more determined his choice.

⑧ Economic status: Economic status is the degree and ability to possess and dominate money. In contemporary society, except for a few people who struggle for idealism, most people's lifelong efforts are almost manifested in the concept of money. Money, which has the final say on people, is a bit sad, but so far, human beings have not made better inventions, such as money, which can magically and effectively regulate and promote various complex social and interpersonal relationships. With the deepening of China's reform and the reorganization of various classes, many people can't grasp tomorrow's situation. Perhaps only money can enhance their safety factor, which is the sensitivity of human marriage, especially women. However, in the choice of actual marriage, the economic status of the candidate's relative distance is not decisive, and people still measure it through comprehensive conditions and consider the potential of the other party's expected development. But the chips of huge amounts of money are likely to control marriage. An ugly billionaire divorced in her forties met seven beautiful unmarried white-collar workers under the age of 25, and they all wanted to get along well. These beautiful women originally set their husbands at the age of 30, and they were unmarried, and the conditions were much harsh. A young man loves a girl, who is the goddess in his heart, but the girl married a rich man, and the young man's heart is broken. This is an old story that is repeated every day. On the other hand, we may not be able to simply deduce that money can only buy "sex" but not "love". The fact is that everyone in the world is not a single person, but the existence of some kind of social relationship, although we don't want to admit that money, as a powerful social relationship, is a witness to the success of secular society and a heavy force, which undoubtedly greatly strengthens the charm of "sex" in gender relations.

Family background: Compared with their own quality and present situation, most people no longer attach too much importance to each other's family background as in the past. But under roughly equal conditions, even within a certain range of deviation, people will still choose the other half with better family background. Some women are very concerned about each other's rural family background, even if he is in good condition, which is mainly because he is afraid of the burden of life disasters and diseases in his family in the future. But other women like children from the countryside because they are simple and tough in the face of difficulties. However, "broad sense" (non-excellent individual quality) children who come from important social relations background or family background with equal economic strength still have a strong advantage in choosing a spouse, because this marriage combination is a big leap in life for the low-status party, saving the time and energy needed for self-struggle, so many men and women with excellent individual quality still value it.

Attending international marriage: international marriage is common in developed countries, but it is not easy to get married between developing countries and developed countries, and it is somewhat utilitarian. A few years ago, as long as many domestic women could go out, men in the Middle East, Africa and South Asia could agree without discrimination. Nowadays, this blind foreign marriage craze no longer exists. The great development and achievements of China's reform and opening up and economic construction have made many women who want to marry abroad mature and rational, but it is still tempting to choose a better marriage. Of course, compared with women in coastal areas and metropolises, women in small and medium-sized cities are relatively conservative. Although some young women (generally well-educated) want to marry in Europe and America, they are not determined to do so now and do not want to be belittled. It is ok to have good candidates in China. On the contrary, some middle-aged women are willing to marry overseas in Taiwan Province Province, where the conditions are relaxed, probably because of their domestic mate selection or financial difficulties, hoping to get rid of it. But this road is not easy for most middle-aged women, because there are more women than men in the overseas Chinese world in Taiwan Province Province. Moreover, veterans who used to be homesick in Taiwan Province Province, or those who found partners in the mainland a few years ago, will be too old to move, while middle-aged men in Taiwan Province Province who come to the mainland for blind date will almost invariably target beautiful women around the age of 30 or under. But interestingly, few women in China are interested in Japanese men, whether young or middle-aged. A few years ago, a large Japanese matchmaking agency contacted Aiqiao and sent 200 short color photos of Japanese gentlemen in suits and ties of all ages. After half a year, only a 36-year-old laid-off woman worker said that she could contact and have a look. This may be related to the traditional cognition of history and the psychological deviation of the nation.

The score above 10 is about age, appearance, height, education, occupation, marriage room, marital status, economic status, family background, international marriage, etc. Are just the general framework of contemporary China people's concept of mate selection. In fact, a good marriage depends more on connotation. If the above frame is the part of the iceberg floating on the sea surface, then the connotation is the part hidden underwater, and the underwater part is more dignified. Perhaps, only personality, morality, quality, self-cultivation and common interests and values in life are the real cornerstones of a good marriage. There is also "kindness", which I believe can reveal the true meaning of married life better than this word. The value of kindness always appears at the bottom of our lives. Glory and pride are short-lived, and disasters and diseases will come soon. When we realize this, I'm afraid life is drawing to a close. We will regret or feel infinite: everything in this world is illusory, only a kind heart!

-This article is taken from Hefei Evening News.