How did I ruin my friendship in three months?

An old classmate chatted with me the other day. I told him that I could have had good friends, but I ruined them myself.

He asked me in a trembling voice, "What on earth did you do?"

I want to use this time to talk about what I have done and how things have developed to a "no return" situation.

I think I should share the results of my consultation this semester, that is, a summary of my personal inner world.

My problem is mainly reflected in the intimate relationship and its influence.

I have never had the experience of establishing intimate relationship, nor have I experienced the feeling of intimate relationship, including parents, relatives, classmates, teachers, lovers and so on.

But I long for intimacy, even good interpersonal relationships, which is as important as "water and air" in my personal value pyramid.

I hope I can gradually heal my past through my daily life.

I long for intimacy because I have been disappointed with people and the world for too long.

My desire for relationships includes my dissatisfaction with my family background and my desire for my ideal parents.

I should have more confidence in myself.

The figure that appears

I am the first student of the small boss and the only student he has now. There are also students of the big boss, and some students accept the guidance of the small boss to help the big boss and the small boss complete the project, such as Xiaoming, Xiaohong, Xiaohao, Xiaoli and Xiaohe. As a small boss's own student, I certainly need to complete the project, but it is only a small boss's project, and the big boss's project is very few. This is the first difference between me and them, and it is also one of the reasons why many people feel alienated from me.

I may be a so-called "lucky dog", and I can't think of the reason myself. To tell you the truth, I just couldn't figure out the situation from the beginning. I went directly to a small boss with no quota, and I didn't know the big boss at all. After knowing that I filled in my volunteer, the little boss asked me to go to the big boss at first, but in the end he suddenly changed his mind and asked me if I would like to talk to him directly. Confused, I replied, "Come as you see fit." So I became the first student of the small boss. Think about it. The small boss at that time probably didn't know me well enough, so he made such a hasty decision.

I know my friends in grade 19, starting from July of 19 summer vacation 15. According to the order of understanding, Xiao Ming, Xiao Hao and Xiao Hong, but in fact Xiao Hao is really familiar with later, so I will speak in the order of Xiao Ming, Xiao Hong and Xiao Hao.

2019 July 15 I had planned to go to school to start studying ahead of schedule, but Meniere's disease suddenly struck, which caught me off guard. Xiao Ming added my good friend to communicate with me when I was still in Changzhou, so his first impression was not bad. 18 When I got better and came to school, when I first came to the office, Xiaoming and his younger brother Zhou Xiao helped me collect and clean my seat, which made me very moved.

During the summer vacation, my brother Xiao He and I completed some simple simulation tasks together. I'm not very familiar with the environment here, and my past knowledge is a little rusty, so it's a little difficult to get started. Brother Xiao He is also busy and doesn't have much time to help me understand some very simple problems. During the summer vacation, my brothers were not complete. Several brothers I knew were very busy, and I didn't know what they were busy with, so I didn't take the initiative, so there was less communication.

Xiao Ming lived with Xiao He's brother in the summer vacation, and I lived with one of Boyi's brothers. The senior is actually very nice, but I was a little scared by his meticulous seriousness, self-disciplined work and rest, and strong physique, so I didn't particularly dare to communicate with him, and the relationship was not very deep, but I gradually got along well with the senior after school started.

I had a pleasant summer vacation with Xiaoming's classmates and Zhou Xiao's younger brother. Xiao Ming has a good personality, is educated and cares about people. Although the means of showing goodwill is a bit green, people are not difficult to get along with. The first time I joked with him, I relied on a sand sculpture. I didn't expect him to laugh. Almost all three of us eat together and go back to the dormitory together. I didn't go to the lab for breakfast because I stayed in bed. I think Xiao Ming has a good personality, and his personality is not bad. If you have something to say, you can make friends.

The summer vacation is coming to an end, and Zhou Xiao has returned to the undergraduate school. Xiaoming and I are waiting for the arrival of the school. The only unhappiness in the middle was that Xiaoming wanted to attend a lecture given by a Nobel Prize winner, but he didn't attend it because I got up late. He felt very sorry that time.

When school started, I met many new students, but once again I showed my bad habits of introversion, timidity and inactivity. Still pestering Xiao Ming and not taking the initiative to communicate with other students. September is normal, there are no big twists and turns, just a little boring, and people around you are slowly busy. Xiaoming got the task assigned by the big boss and began to get busy. I'm still lazy and can't do anything well. Xiao Ming forgets to eat when he is busy, or stays up late to go back. At first, I was very opposed to him not eating, because I continued the tradition of eating on time during the summer vacation. On the one hand, I feel that I can't eat without eating, on the other hand, I feel that eating alone is too boring. Only a few people eat and chat together, and eating is interesting. But then I was stubborn, so I gradually alienated Xiao Ming when I was eating.

In September, I met Xiaohong, an outgoing, lively and interesting girl. She has a boyfriend, but it doesn't affect everyone's usual jokes. Sometimes she will listen to me, for example, she feels a little anxious about her inefficiency, afraid of disappointing the expectations of the small boss, feeling a little lonely after eating less with Xiaoming recently, and so on. She will also listen carefully, comfort me, and send me a few packs of snacks to encourage me.

10 This month is the turning point of this semester. A lot has happened to many people this month.

Xiao Ming said that he was going to move to the laboratory in 1 building because he wanted to be a big boss's small project, but he didn't live on the fourth floor. I don't know if he will come back, which caught me off guard. Not all my new classmates know each other. Only Xiaoming and Xiaohong are familiar. Xiaohong, as the only girl in the department with a grade of 19, has not been pestering her to play. Xiaoming has left, and my contact with him seems to have been completely cut off. Every day, except through WeChat communication, he can't meet people and get together for dinner, because he either eats with his brothers in 1 building or doesn't eat. It is also difficult to make an appointment to go back to the dormitory together at night, because either he has to stay up late or he has already left. In a word, I almost cut off contact with him in life. But at that time, although everyone chatted on WeChat through the cold screen every day, at least they were still chatting.

Then something happened, which cast a shadow over our relationship. The reason is the task arrangement of this department. He is in charge of pulling people. This is an additional project of the big boss project, so I didn't participate in it from the beginning. Later, I paid attention to this matter, and he also asked me if I would help. I don't know the situation, and because I wasn't called at first, I didn't know the situation, and I didn't particularly want to. But Xiao Ming seemed troubled by this matter, so I reluctantly agreed. But when the afternoon shift table comes out, Xiao Ming only uses it once every two weeks, while I use it once a week. I was surprised and annoyed. I thought Xiao Ming pulled me to do less. But I didn't believe him in my heart, so I asked him. Then he told me that he "told my brother in advance that he only wanted to have a week or two". I don't know whether this job is arranged by week, month or day. I went to see my brother, hoping I could make adjustments. After all, I just want to help, but it seems that the big brother is embarrassed because he is short of manpower, and he is unwilling to make adjustments. Let me go to the little boss who is in charge of this matter. I was very helpless and wronged. After a few words with Xiao Ming, I found a quiet corner to call home and cried for a while to release my emotions. Then I explained it to my boss, and it turned out that Xiao Ming had asked my brother to change himself into a full-time job, so that I could work for one or two weeks. This incident makes me feel that Xiao Ming is a good man, but at the same time I feel ashamed. I'm afraid Xiao Ming has an opinion of me because of my willfulness this time.

During the whole month of 10, my contact with Xiaoming became less and less, and he gradually became the favorite of my brothers and sisters. He became busy, but I still sat alone on the fourth floor every day, doing homework, reading books, brushing my mobile phone and eating snacks. No one cares about me, and no one asks me out to relax. My life is getting more and more depressed. So I went to participate in psychological counseling.

On Tuesday, I followed a mission to get the key from the lab. It was sunny that day. The laboratory on the first floor faces south, and the air in the whole room is dyed golden yellow by sunlight. It is very cold outside, but it is warm in the room. They don't know what joke they are telling. Xiaohong and Xiaoming are laughing happily in the sun, and dust can be seen flying between their hair under the light. Xiao Hao was there that day. It seems that he is joking. The two brothers sat in their seats, chatting with Xiao Hao while working. Everyone is very happy. I returned the key to the office on the fourth floor. Without sunshine, it's deserted. There are only a few sparse doctoral brothers, who bury their heads deeply in the cubicle and read papers or code words with headphones. No one paid any attention to me, no one accompanied me to dinner, no one told me what to do, and no one told me whether what I did was right or wrong, useful or useless. I live in two different worlds with three other 19 students under the guidance of my boss. Go to chat with Xiao He's brother at noon and tell him gently that I want to be in the lab with you, too. He told me that Xiao Ming was called down by him because "I don't want him to repeat the mistakes he made when he was studying for a year", and I muttered "What about me? You just watch me repeat your mistakes? " But he told me that I couldn't go down because I was a student of the small boss, not the big boss's, and I couldn't participate in the big boss's project. I thought that as a student with a small boss, my ceiling was lower than others, but I didn't expect that my daily life would be so different in the next three years. I was completely stunned when I reported to my boss that afternoon. The little boss seemed to read my mind and asked me what I thought, so he comforted me that he would arrange an engineering project for me in the future and let Xiao He's brother "send" me to the laboratory on the first floor. Because it was "not worthy of the name", I went to the supermarket to buy a big bag of snacks 100 yuan and delivered them to 1 building several times.

At this stage, I made the second big mistake when I came to Dongda University (the first one was that I didn't take the initiative to establish contact with my seniors). I tied Xiaoming's straw tighter and tighter, and I tried my best to make this friendship exist in name only. I went to talk to him about my past grievances. I think showing the softest part of my heart to others is to express my trust in others. [1] He comforted me and told me that he also had that soft part, but he didn't share it with me. I told him how much I liked him and how much I wanted to be good friends with him. But he seems to be scared by me, and he is still a friend on the surface, but his words and deeds have gradually become cold and violent, with a sense of deja vu.

I panicked, I lost my temper, and I felt that I didn't lick enough to make others dislike me and neglect me, so I tried harder to be nice, for example, I stayed up late with him to do big homework. But these have only temporarily improved his attitude towards me, and will soon return to a cold state.

I also went on a business trip twice in June+10, 5438, and something happened in the middle. One day in a hotel, Xiao He's brother was lying under the covers playing with his mobile phone. I pinched his feet across the quilt. I was just joking, but Brother Ho shouted angrily, "Don't touch me!" At that moment, I thought of Xiao Ming, undergraduate students and many people, but it was because there were too many people that I got used to it and didn't respond. But then Brother Xiao Li suddenly comforted me on WeChat and told me not to think too much. At that moment, I couldn't hold back my grievances and cried for a long time. I am very grateful to brother Xiao Li for comforting me and understanding my feelings at that time.

I was on a business trip in the middle, and I had a good chat with everyone in grade 19. Finally, I chatted with Xiaohao and several other students. I also learned from the nearby crowd that "Chen Yi is quite cheerful", and I once had hope and confidence in my future life.

165438+ October quickly shattered my fantasy. 165438+1October16 that night, a misunderstanding made all efforts, including Xiaoming and Xiaohong, in vain. 165438+1October 18, Xiaohao takes everyone to carpool. Although I don't have a car, I am also very happy to see everyone struggling. Xiaohong seems to have quickly come out of the unhappiness of misunderstanding, but Xiaoming is still not at ease. I released my goodwill many times, but he gave me a cold response. He asked other students to attend the class, and he mocked me for sending him English answers, which was one of the few acts I could do at that time to release goodwill. (But he later sent the answers to his innovative courses to Xiaohao, and they were still sorted out, which made me sad and beaten. ) I went to class with him, but he took a seat by himself, whether I had a seat or not. I was angry and told him that this behavior made me uncomfortable, but I was greeted by him who left with other students after class, talking and laughing, as if he didn't hear my complaints at all. After dinner in the evening, I dragged him and Xiaohong out for a walk, hoping that he would let go and stop being cold and violent to me. What you get is "obviously you don't want to communicate with others", "I feel that I don't agree with you during the summer vacation, so don't get along with you if I don't agree with you" and "don't use psychological counseling as an excuse, use it as a shield".

I was confused at that time. I don't want to fight back because I'm still digesting the meaning of those words. Ignore me ignore me because I don't want to communicate with you? Is it because my appearance makes me withdrawn?

Think I can't go through the summer vacation? But my summer vacation is full of good memories. I always feel that Xiao Ming and I can get along. After all, Xiao Ming has a good personality, and I ... at that moment, I have been thinking about what I did during my summer vacation, which made him think it would be different ... but I dare not think about it. The better the memory, the more I doubt its authenticity. The more it makes me feel that those happiness are fake.

And psychological counseling as a shield, but also let me chilling. Sharing psychological counseling is a pure emotional behavior, but Xiao Ming thinks it is a commercial behavior, a shirking and an "excuse". I share my past just to tell you that I may have different ideas, and I may have stressful behaviors and words, but that's because the past I experienced, which you can't imagine, has pierced me, and I'm not bad. I still want to be an improved and better person, still struggling to pick up pieces to fill my vacancy, and still healing my wounds with advice and life. But Xiao Ming doesn't think I'm sick. He thought I was "bad" and pretended to be sick. He is using counseling to cover up my imperfections, and he is using counseling to seek special treatment and blackmail others.

I have no excuse. I can only say "I'm not, I'm not", but I'm thinking in despair, "Why do people think I don't want to communicate with you?" "Xiao Ming didn't like me from the beginning." "I poured out my heart, but he thought it was an excuse. Why did he treat me like this? "

I was very happy when I remembered carpooling together the day before yesterday, but I was faintly lost in my heart. I was originally arranged to be unsociable from the beginning: they were all excellent automobile engineers, but I was a train; Most of them have the same math class and English class, but I always happen to make up the remainder and become a member of other classes; Xiao Ming and Xiao Hao are in a dormitory, and there are two classmates in the car. I obviously have the same student number, but I happen to make up the remainder and divide it on a wall. Needless to say, my tutor is different from them. I didn't work with them in the first place ...

So I burst into tears. I can't accept Xiaoming's explanation that the truth came out. I can't accept the way I used to be. I can't accept that the memory of four months since the summer vacation is false. I can't accept the world's indifference and ruthlessness to me.

I cried for half an hour at a stretch. Xiao Ming and Xiao Hong stayed with me and comforted me for a while, then we went back. I also brought back their angry group. But I know very well in my heart, as Xiao Ming said in the hotel that night 16, as I cried and said, "I can't go back."

At this point, my long-term autism began.

Xiaohong began to feel that "I didn't expect me to be so pessimistic, and I felt that I had tried my best, but I still couldn't persuade", and told me that "whatever you do, I will accept it. Although I may be disappointed, I won't feel guilty or sad". Xiaohong and Xiaohao heard that they had a good life since last winter, but now they are back together and have a good time.

Xiao Hao is an old student of this school and is already familiar with his brothers and bosses. Xiao Hao is very clever. He once gave me a cybernetic solution to the vibration problem, but I was lazy and stupid and didn't understand it at all. I think I'm wasting his time. Xiaohao's interests are very specific and in-depth, and there is really nothing to talk about in his hobbies, so that he can't play. Xiao Hao seems to be a gentle and smooth person, but he doesn't seem to talk much. He should talk to me less. He usually asks Xiao Ming what's wrong, because Xiao Ming is more reliable and looks much more accommodating than me.

Xiaoming and I really became strangers. He doesn't talk when we meet. Wechat doesn't talk when he is fine. Eating together, going back to the dormitory together, attending classes together and so on no longer exist. We will never share our lives again. He put on new clothes, got some new gadgets, and heard that he bought a new computer, but these are the lives he will never share with me again. It is not cost-effective to discuss how to buy laundry detergent and shampoo together like summer vacation. He became more and more heartless. He once went to another campus to participate in activities, but left alone. I called him and he answered coldly, "Who asked you out?" Go your own way. "I think Xiao Lige wouldn't have apologized if he hadn't stood him up at the same time. On another occasion, he told me three days before the exam that he had found a suitable textbook translation. I thought he remembered the agreement to buy books together, but he immediately detained a pot of cold water. " I have already bought it myself, so I'll buy it alone. "He is so cold, want to tell you," I still remember the agreement with you, but I don't take you away. "Needless to say, when I was reviewing later, he shared the inside information with others in full swing, but it was just a' three questions' to me. He is now helping Xiao Hao solve the massive open online courses, discussing and studying with Xiao Hao, having dinner with Xiao Hao (so he just doesn't want to have dinner with me), and going back to the dormitory with Xiao Hao at night, because they are roommates, that's what they should do, isn't it?

Brother Xiao He is still the same brother Xiao He. He still thinks about Xiao Ming everywhere. Even if he studies notes for me, he can't help telling me, "I didn't give it to Xiaoming, I gave it to you" (in his mind, it's natural to give it to Xiaoming, but it's beyond common sense to give it to me). I still feel that I am not a student of the big boss but a student of the small boss, and I am an "outsider".

Brother Xiao Li is still the same brother Xiao Li, but he is not at school because he often travels and plays. Brother Xiao Li also played games with me for a while, but I was busy reviewing at the end of the term.

Now it's natural. For everyone, it seems to be a satisfactory result and a quite comfortable environment, except me, of course. But if you are comfortable, who cares about other people's discomfort?

Do I have a future?

20 19/ 12/29

In the cold wind where the sun is about to rise

Zhou Yichen

I didn't go to the lab until afternoon. Many high school students and undergraduates leave messages in the space for comfort, support or suggestions.

I found out in the early morning that Xiao Ming had taken my Weibo from me in two directions.

In the numerical analysis review class in the morning, Brother Xiao He suddenly chatted with me and explained all the details mentioned in the article.

Sleeping until noon, Xiao Hao asked me if I wanted to eat hot pot for the New Year.

At the New Year's Eve party, volunteers guarded the gate to celebrate the New Year. Although I was still depressed, I sent a sentence "Happy New Year" to most of my friends.

The little boss sent me a long article.

I don't want to stay at 136. I just sneak down to maintain my computer, tidy my desktop and charge my watch every night after everyone has left.

Back to the dormitory at 4 o'clock, without taking medicine, I waited until 7 o'clock and went to class with my eyes open. After class, Xiao Ming suddenly sent me a compressed package, saying that he took a PPT of a class and cared whether I would go to class or not.

The small boss wanted to find me, because the examination was urgent and declined.

Xiaohong and I used WeChat to tell my boss how much he cares about me and why he wrote this kind of thing.

In the evening, I found that Xiao Ming was paying attention to my Weibo again.

Brother Xiaolin asked me to play games after the exam.

I saw Xiaohong, Xiaoming and Xiaohao eating together in the canteen.

At 2 o'clock in the afternoon, Xiao Ming said that he would invite everyone in the lab on the first floor to dinner and asked me to go with him. He didn't want to be fooled by a meal and didn't make it clear.

In the afternoon, I went back to the dormitory to take a bath. When I came out, I found that the little boss also said that he would invite the students who wrote notebooks, but four people had already come back. Considering that there are just four more people in the small boss's car, it is very troublesome to add 1 people in rainy days, so he decided not to go.

At 6 o'clock in the evening, my boss called me and asked me why I didn't come. I slept until nearly 5 o'clock, and it was inconvenient for one more person to take a taxi, so I declined.

At 1 1 in the evening, my classmates in the office on the fourth floor came back and asked me why I didn't go. They just told me that Xiao Ming's treat merged with the classmate who asked the small boss to write a book, and both of them were treated by the small boss.

At 3 o'clock, I decided to go to the lab on the first floor to get something.

Had a good chat with the little boss.

I had a long chat with brother Xiao He.

I chatted with Xiao Ming and said that I was not familiar with the English mobile phone interface, so we made up.

I tried to ask Xiaoming why my QQ space was blocked in both directions, but I didn't answer and gave up.

It's Chinese New Year ~ Happy New Year to you at zero. Only Xiaoyu and Brother Lamb sent it to me on their own initiative.

I found that Xiao Ming deleted my ANT FOREST and Alipay (hacked), and then I found that WeChat was blocked. There has been no contact during the period, and the reason is unknown.

I want to talk to the Lamb brothers. He said to me for the seventh time, "What does it have to do with me?" So I gave up.

I argued with Xiaohong about my understanding of the work, and then confirmed my understanding to my boss.

The English class group was almost squeezed out by our classmates.

There are few new contacts in the space, so all contacts are blocked.

The work didn't go well and was criticized by the small boss.

The big boss, Xiao Hao and Xiao Hong Xiao, who was a little touched by answering questions in class, helped in time.

Brother Xiao He comforted the progress of the work.

The topic selection of the big boss class is not smooth.

The course assignment was not maliciously complained to the peer group by Xiaohong.

I was tricked into joining an organization I didn't want to join, and I was humiliated.

The communication with Brother Xiao He about going back to school was not smooth.

A diary I wrote was maliciously complained to Brother Kobayashi.

Brother Kobayashi is very persuasive.

Nominally make up with brother lamb.

Xiao Hong was found filming Weibo unilaterally.

I accidentally discovered that Xiao Hongming's trio had an insulting name.

It was found that Xiao Heige hacked the WeChat circle of friends and Alipay contacts.

Feel disgusted in group activities.

[1] Family background is the main problem.