Why is my husband still reluctant to part with me after nine years of marriage?

I have been thinking about why I am so obsessed with it, almost to an unreasonable, boring and terrible situation.

Clearly, the source of the problem is yourself! The following long speech is intended to clarify my sincerity and credibility.

Let's take a look at your obsession first.

1. I made a mistake. I just need to try my best to change the other person's mood, and I can eliminate this self-blame.

2. I started the trouble and didn't seize the opportunity to communicate and change in time, which led to the estrangement. The wrong way and wrong decision make communication worse, so we need to communicate and create opportunities for redemption.

The result of my work should not be like this. I want to change the status quo and have a happy ending.

Then why did I adopt the wrong method, so I began to analyze my past behavior.

I don't know if there was a time when you knew it was wrong, but you still forced yourself to do it in the wrong direction.

For example:

Knowing that it is right not to contact, we should treat it coldly, but force ourselves to contact.

Knowing that it is right to do a good job and live a healthy life, force yourself to do it in the opposite direction.

Know not to eat too much to lose weight, but force yourself to keep thinking about the temptation of fried chicken.

I know I have to go to bed early, but I am forced to stay up late to inform myself that there is still time to use.

Knowing that I don't touch ice cream during my physiological period, I always think of the cold feeling and buy it.

Knowing that the door was locked at night, I forced myself to check it again for fear that my negligence would lead to an accidental attack.

Knowing clearly that you shouldn't say cruel words, you may vent at will, but force yourself to do that and then regret it.

Knowing that what others say is right, I am forced to use the wrong method in order to stick to myself, and then regret it.

Because of his obsession and persecuting thoughts, he was particularly painful, and often brought regret and hatred to himself, so that later, he constantly destroyed himself. Yes, I am destroying myself and can't change the established reality, so I constantly reward and punish my mistakes.

I even think that these thoughts and problems may have become obstacles to my success countless times now. About the turning point in my life. It just didn't attract my attention and attention before.

So I started asking questions online and read many related articles.

Through my own cognition and study, I analyzed the following reasons:

1. Cognitive and behavioral differences. Immature? I made a willful choice between correct cognition and love. Is that really the case? But why can I keep running for a month without eating meat or junk food? Like a child, I don't understand why I still make mistakes after thinking about it. Everything has different intentions, and there are many possibilities for the result. When the possible intention is attractive, it will be difficult to control. Therefore, it is a poor self-control, a violation of policies, and a decent job.

2. Self-persistence and opposition to others. This is what I got by rereading Haruki Murakami's article Attack the Bakery Again. The protagonist's perseverance in grabbing bread became the perseverance of accompanying the manager to listen to songs for bread, and became the perseverance of the manager. So after n years, he couldn't let go. He plundered bread, not bread.

3. The curse of unfinished hope. A common phenomenon is that unforgettable first love and what you can't get are always the best. This curse, from a psychological point of view, we will seek a perfect mental figure. For example, a first love that has a beginning and an end, no matter whether the result is going to the palace of marriage or breaking up, as long as there is a clear result, it is a sound mental figure. However, if one thing has no result, it is an endless mental picture. Then, we will make a lot of efforts and hope to end it. When I think of my previous lofty aspirations, I often find that now the other party is very concerned, and my enthusiasm will be halved. Because the direction of work and possible results are predictable. So the fruitless result has been cursing me.

Next, I am thinking about how to deal with the contradiction between knowing and doing, decency, doing, self-persistence and others' persistence, and the curse of imperfect mental graphics.

Up to now, there is no book that specifically says how to deal with it.

Nothing more than forbearance

First, the inconsistency between knowledge and practice is due to the weak self-control of temptation and anxiety in the face of pressure and avoidance. So take the time to know what you need, remember what your intention is, and then do it.

Second, empathy. I and others are embarrassed that self-determination can't reach.

Third, the mental picture is in a bad state, which is a strong requirement for the result. First, make clear what the result is, is it a result without result? The fruitless ending is accompanied by regret, which always makes people think about what if. Maybe the result of the work is fruitless. I'm sorry, accept the reality.

Still falls on the simplest truth.

Now let's go back to the three obsessions of demand processing, and the last two, how to prevent negligent choices and behaviors, and how to face the realistic results caused by negligence, have all been dealt with.

The remaining one, after the wrong behavior leads to the actual result, seems to have not been found. Life is a practice.