Tell some jokes! Forget the classic jokes, most people have seen them!

1. Once a second-class bus, a BMW passed by, and a tall man next to it said to the people around him, "Look, that's IBM."

2. A friend of mine is an intern in Unicom. One day, an old man came up and said, "Can I have a mobile card?" Then the friend said without looking up, "Master, someone is coming to smash the venue!" " "

3. Colleagues may be nervous when they meet customers. As soon as they opened their mouths, they said, "Hello, Miss Liu, what's your name?" Sweating.

4. In the past, the geography teacher was a man, which was particularly violent. Whoever talks and is distracted is punched, but he didn't hit the girl. A new girl doesn't know equality between men and women. Once, she stole cartoons in class, was found by the geography teacher, and came forward without warning. The girl turned pale with fear and shouted: indecent assault. Our geography teacher waterfall Khan.

5. My classmate said: I put too much washing powder. The other asked: What? Your brother has too many wives?

6. On a windy day, the bicycle fell down one after another. I only heard a classmate say while helping the car: whose Mercedes-Benz crushed my BMW?

7. I used to call my boyfriend's dormitory, but he didn't answer. I was a little embarrassed, so I made up a name and said, "Is XX there?" If you want to pretend to be the wrong person, it's over ~ ~ The other person hesitated and said, wait, I'll call you. I was stupid at that time! Hang up the phone in a hurry Later, I asked my boyfriend, and he said that a boy in the dormitory opposite them asked me to make up that name.

8. Last time I was abroad, I saw a handsome guy selling cakes in the street. I told my friend that he looked like Elvis when we bought it. When he heard us talking about him, he asked us what to say. I thought for a long time: "kingofmiaomiao."

9. The girlfriend in the dormitory chatted with the net friend. She was obviously excited: Hello, I'm Wang Xiaoliang. Guess who I am? Can't faint ...

10, learned a sentence from a friend: I'll give you ten words-get the fuck out of here. I remember when he said this sentence to a group of us for the first time, he saw all the people pointing at the bottom to see if it was ten words ... What's more, I told N friends with this sentence that basically more than 90% would hesitate for a moment, meditate or move their fingers slightly, and then smiled and said, Shit, it's really ten words. It always works, hehe!

It's so cold, it's winter, and it's harmful ...

One day, eggplant was walking in the street and suddenly sneezed a lot. It wiped its nose and said angrily, "Shit! Someone took a group photo again! "

There are 30 frogs in a pool, and only one frog wears underwear. Why? Because he takes a shower! )

There is a pig. He walked and walked until he came to England. What has he become? -Pigs.

In class, the teacher recited the text at will. Piggy, puppy and kitten all raised their hands. Who will the teacher call? -little dog, because want want is humble.

Butterflies, ants, spiders, centipedes, they worked together, which one didn't get paid in the end? -Centipede, because you won't take it for nothing.

The elephant's nose is the longest in the zoo. Who is the second longest? Elephant.

What kind of fruit has the worst eyesight? Mango.

Which two kinds of fruits have mobile phones? -radish and green vegetables, each has his own love.

If there is a car, the driver is a prince and the passenger is a princess, whose car is it? -If

Jin Mu is a land of fire and water, whose legs are long? Ham sausage

Cobra dated the elephant, greeted him and said, "Come as soon as you come. Welcome to lead such a big pig. "

I think as long as I have some modest qualities, I will be a perfect person.

One day, Mung Bean broke up with his girlfriend. He was very sad, so he kept crying, crying, crying .............................................................................................................................................................. ~ ~ ~

Two jellyfish collided at the seaside. Jellyfish A: "What the hell! You can't swim with your eyes! Jellyfish B: What are eyes? Jellyfish A: I don't know. Last time I met someone, he called me that. Jellyfish B: Oh! That's right! 」

In primary school science class, the teacher told us that knocking on the knee would lead to knee jump. When I got home, I took a hammer and hit it on my dad's knee. And my dad stood up and kicked me. It turns out that the teacher is right!

If one day I become a hooligan, please remember to tell me that I am innocent.

The first lie in life begins with writing a composition in primary school, and the truth begins with writing a love letter.

The brothers Grimm were prescient when they wrote Snow White. The man who finally saved Snow White and lived happily with her is called "Prince Charming". And now the female compatriots all want to find the prince charming in their minds, so why pinch it? Because the pinyin abbreviation of Prince Charming is-BMW, or Z series.

A man wanted to jump off a building, and his wife shouted, "honey, don't be impulsive, we still have a long way to go!" " Hearing this, the man jumped with a whoosh. The policeman said, "You really shouldn't threaten him like this!"

Shit and urine are good brothers. One day, I was killed by a car when I took a shit crossing the road, so pee said, I really want to take a shit …

Think of a number in your head, multiply it by two, add five, then subtract the number you thought at first, multiply it by eight, subtract five, and then close your eyes and you can't see anything, right?

A man fell down while walking. He stood up and walked on, and fell down again. So he said; If I had known, I wouldn't have got up just now.

The drizzle fell on the river, and the river got goose bumps.

Which anime characters are the most involved? Answer: Mermaid (because she can't cheat)

Xiao said to Xiao B: dig the plug ... it's raining outside! ! Have you seen it?

Xiao B is very excited: Yes, I see you.

One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by wolves.

Wolves easily destroyed straw houses, wooden houses and brick houses. Three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but the wolf caught up with them.

The three little pigs said in despair, it's up to you. We gave up, whatever you wanted.

At this moment, the wolf smiled and drooled and said, Then tell me where Little Red Riding Hood is.

The diver's movements are difficult. He turned three times, then somersaulted forward for three and a half times, and then somersaulted backward for a month.

Which animal has the darkest teeth?

Guo Meimei's "Not Afraid of Not Afraid of Not Afraid of Not Afraid of" Lyrics: Hehehe (ants have black teeth)

I dreamed of you on New Year's Eve. Happy New Year to you: Happy New Year! A sneeze woke me up from my dream. I know you miss me, so I immediately called you and said, bring me the red envelope!

The new year is coming. Think you have nothing and don't intend to give you too much. I only give you 50 million: be happy! Good health! Be safe! Be content! Never forget me.

I wish you a new year. When you are busy at work, you will win money at cards, your passbook will increase infinitely, your pocket will be full of dollars, beautiful women will be crowded in front of your bed, and your lover will be fierce and sweet.

Pig, you are safe, pig, you are happy, pig, you are desperate, pig, you are safe.

Heroes cross the horse, beautiful women bring happiness, wine does not make people drunk, color does not make people fascinated, I wish you a new year: go out to make money, fish online, catch fish, eat abalone wings, and soak up beautiful girls every day!

Happy new year, I wish you: good health, all the best, happy family, happy life, successful career, bling, long life, rich and invincible!

As the saying goes, a year's plan lies in spring. Tell you a secret of getting rich in the new year: regardless of the old chicken, seize the opportunity; Both sheep and goats should be stolen.

Click on your face all winter; Copy your enthusiasm and stick it in my heart; Download your breath and keep it forever; Delete all gray viruses, welcome the brilliant new year, bid farewell to the old and welcome the new!

The new year is coming. May you receive gifts and red envelopes every day and win mountains of money at cards. Newcomers love you like tofu, setting off firecrackers all over the street, and greeting whoever catches you. You're not afraid of the police knowing! Good luck!

With the coming of the new year, I hope you are a leisurely mouse, a strong cow, a tiger, a good rabbit, a noble dragon, an auspicious snake, a swift horse, a gentle sheep, a clever monkey, a diligent chicken, a loyal dog and a happy pig!

A catty of melon seeds and a catty of dates, good luck and come early; One catty of sugar, two jins of bananas, good luck, you won't run; A catty of peanuts and a catty of peaches, I wish you money rolling into your pocket!

Send four dishes and one soup on New Year's Eve: happy braising, steaming friendship, speculating wealth, cooking health, happy soup every day, a bottle of Lanling old good luck wine and a bowl of worry-free rice forever. Happy new year.

It's New Year, and I made you a couplet! The first part: I am bitter for you, tired for you and shed tears for you. Bottom line: crazy for you, crazy for you, hitting the wall for you. Horizontal batch: related to the position. I wish you a happy New Year!

The new year is coming. For the sake of the earth's environment and resources, please reduce the purchase of traditional paper greeting cards. You can use a pencil to fill in the congratulatory message on large face value RMB and send it to me! Thank you for your support for environmental protection! I wish you happiness!

Good luck in the new year! May your fame surpass Notre Dame, your wealth dare to be the mother of Bill Gates, your heroism surpass Saddam Hussein, and your handsome enough to catch up with Beckham. You are an international superman!

When I am rich, I will use remy martin to flush your toilet, light your cigarette with US dollar bills, take a bubble bath with 999 roses, take you to work with Boeing, and use Princess Zhu Huan as your maid! Happy new year!

No matter how much water there is in the sea, how great the mountains are, how many legs spiders have, how spicy the peppers are, no matter how amazing the ghost D is and how tired the United States is, in short, you are the most beautiful in the Spring Festival! Happy new year!

There are two main purposes of texting this time: one is to exercise fingering, and the other is to contact feelings. I am very responsible to tell you that today is New Year's Eve, and the Chinese New Year is coming soon. Send a technical sentence: Happy Spring Festival!

Four blessings: book a New Year's Eve dinner, go out to stop a taxi, visit and get lucky money, and have a holiday until the fifteenth day of the first lunar month; I wish you positive wealth, partial wealth, windfall and rolling financial resources; Family, friendship, affair, good luck!

Considering that there will be an overwhelming blessing message blocking the network in a few days, an unparalleled universe super invincible genius with ideals, foresight and extraordinary wisdom wishes in advance: ancient times are as big as death, Apu team, well, hey!

The new year is coming. Do you miss me? If you miss me, press it again. Do you miss me very much? I didn't press it until I said I wanted to. Press it again! I didn't expect you to think of me like this. I'm so touched! Press again! Tears filled my eyes.

I asked trouble, it didn't love you at all, and it said it would never talk to you. Let me tell you not to flatter yourself! Also, health let me bring you a love letter: I have a crush on you for a long time, and I will never change it! Happy new year! I bought two pounds of fashion in the specialty store and three pounds of romance and eight pounds of happiness from the supermarket. I cut a ton of care from my heart as a gift for the Year of the Ox!

1. The teacher asked us to make sentences with the word "sure enough". My deskmate wrote: I haven't taken a shower for three months, and I really stink.

2. Introduce the teacher's appearance. It should be "teacher's face" and occasionally written as "teacher's paw face". Our Chinese teacher is going crazy.

The sports meeting 100m finally started, and the students ran out like wild dogs.

The PLA uncles crawled forward one by one, just like green bugs crawling on the ground.

6. "I was in the classroom because of illness ..." "My brother shaved his head newly, just like the little bald donkey in Shaolin Temple ..."

9. When I was in primary school, I used to write about good deeds. So people always write down money. So, in order to exaggerate their achievements, someone wrote in the park and found that 1 100 million yuan was 10 yuan, which was as thick as a document (level 4). The teacher read it out on the spot, and the students estimated that it was extremely cold.

10. The old lady took out four 500 yuan RMB.

1 1. "I have a classmate who is neither tall nor short, 1.76 meters above, 1.78 meters below ..." My junior high school classmate's work. ...

13. The primary school teacher wrote a semi-propositional composition: "My xxx". So, my classmates wrote a topic: my comrade Qiu.

17. Do you remember the tadpole looking for his mother in primary school? At that time, the teacher asked us to imitate this and write a composition about * * * ... A classmate wrote this: My mother has a white belly and bulging eyes ...

18. I once peeked at a girl's composition. The coldest thing is that if I become a nurse in the future, I will treat patients like a lover.

19. A sister's nephew made a sentence with "brand-new", "a brand-new vegetable was born" ... (thanks to Zhao Benshan). !

2 1. This classmate wrote: "Guoqiang (one of my classmates) is sitting on a stool with a butt as big as a pumpkin in the field, and a large piece of underwear is exposed under his clothes." The teacher read it out in class and said that the classmate described it vividly. After class, this classmate was beaten by him. ...

22. When I was in the third grade, I was replaced by another teacher. We were asked to write about a corner of my home. So I wrote: My corner is beautiful, round and bright, and it is a toilet.

23. On an opaque night, the tadpoles in the pond are basking in the sun!

25. Classmate's famous sentence: geese baa and fly over; The round moon is like a bow.

27. When I was in primary school, I heard that wild donkeys run fastest, so I compared a classmate to "He runs faster than wild donkeys". Later, the teacher said I shouldn't write like this, so I wondered why I couldn't. ...

28. I walked into a department store. Ah, it seems that people's living standards have really improved. Look at the old farmer, with a refrigerator in his left hand and a TV in his right, trotting away.

29. My classmate's content is probably: Once I was ill, he gave me a tutorial rain or shine. It was raining cats and dogs that day and it thundered. I thought he wouldn't come, but he came in the rain ... He died of a high fever the next day, and I will always miss this good friend.

30. There is a reading question on the primary school Chinese test paper, to the effect that a mother suffered a lot for her children and finally died. After reading, ask the students to say a few words to their mother in Tomb-Sweeping Day one year later. A pupil wrote: "I wish my mother Tomb-Sweeping Day happiness, happiness as the East China Sea and longevity as the South Mountain!" .

1' s colleague asked me: Is Clinton's wife Chirac?

Once I borrowed money from others, and I wanted to say, "I'll pay you back when I get the money."

Say, "I'll take you when I have money."

anxious

A classmate named Yu Jingbo wrote a letter one day, and the doorman of the dormitory shouted at the entrance of the dormitory: A letter of dried cold rice noodles!

Our Chinese teacher: Please turn to 120 yuan.

The whole class is dizzy, and the teacher is nicknamed "money addiction", hehe.

Once a friend watched a CD at home, and the quality of the CD was not good. The friend said, "Why are there so many Marx?" It took a long time to realize that he was referring to Massek!

6 a buddy gets married and gives a red envelope. Dude, say no politely.

I said, that won't do. Once a year, be sure to bring it.

7 junior high school role reading "white-haired girl"

A boy (Yang Bailao): I pulled two Jin of red rope and tied it for my daughter. ...

Teacher: It's not like wrapping a mummy …

When I was cooking, I pointed to cauliflower and said, potatoes.

Aunt asked: cauliflower?

I continued to point to cauliflower and said: potatoes

Aunt asked again: Is it potato or cauliflower?

I quickly said, isn't this a potato ... er, broccoli?

Now that I think about it, it's enough to make people vomit blood. I'm sorry, aunt who sells rice

When I went to buy cakes, I wanted to say "two yellow pears send an egg tower", but the result was "two orioles sing an egg tower"

What is even more depressing is that the owner actually understood. ......

10 University There is a girl named Liu Yun in our class. Once, a classmate from another class sent her a letter. The word "Yun" in the lower part of the word "Yun" on the envelope has a horizontal line, which has become a dot because it is too scribbled. As a result, this classmate took the letter and let out a cry, "Liu Mang, who is Liu Mang? There is a letter for you. " All the people in the corridor ran out to see Liu Mang. As a result, this girl named Liu Yun was scolded as a hooligan for four years.

1 1 There were rats at home for a while, and my mother bought rat poison to keep the family quiet, but none of them were cured. One morning, my mother got up and looked at the rat poison in the janitor's corner and said to herself, "Why doesn't anyone take this medicine?" ~ ~ ~ "The whole family fainted. . .

12 English teacher teaches grammar. Before class, she asked everyone, "I have finished. Do you still understand? " We replied with one voice: "No!"

Until I raised my glass to ask the bright moon and sank into the water, I suddenly remembered home.

14 once playing mahjong on a hot day, the power suddenly went out, so we had to buy candles to continue playing. After half an hour, it was too hot to stand. One man said, "Let's turn on the electric fan. It's too hot." Another man said, "You can't open it. If you open it, you will blow out the candle. "

15 as the saying goes: kill and set fire to pay off debts.

In physics class 16, the teacher talked about radioactive elements and said: radioactive elements are very dangerous, so you humans must stay away! !

17 Spit grape skins if you can't eat grapes.

18 received a phone call at the company, which was promoted by a clothing company and kept saying that it would make uniform clothes for a big company and so on. I grabbed the gap between each other's speeches and blurted out: "Our company is not in dressing the!"

The other party whispered for a few seconds, said "I'm sorry" and hung up.

Teacher of our university: I'm looking for three students, a man and a woman. ...

The class began to look around, looking for Chris Lee.

20 nights self-study back to the dormitory, Lu Yu fairy mm one day, and then follow.

I always wanted to strike up a conversation, but I didn't have the courage to go forward until fairy mm was about to enter the girls' building.

I gritted my teeth and stepped forward to ask mm loudly: Excuse me, classmate, are you a woman?

Later ... later, I enjoyed the eyes of the fairy mm for two years.

2 1 Allen class, the teacher is passionate: how many heroic children are lingering underground? ...

The graduation works of 22 students are made of big red cloth and sewn on black robes.

The teacher who answered the question asked: Why does Phoenix use red instead of other colors?

When that classmate was excited, he blurted out: Because the phoenix is burning! ! Three seconds later, the students who came to see the defense laughed hysterically, and my stomach was twisted with laughter!

When I was in junior high school, my teacher called recite Mulan words (the teacher was BT), and I was nervous.

When my brother heard that my sister was coming, he slashed his knife at his parents (pigs and sheep) .......

The whole class laughed and laughed at themselves, and I forgot the rest. Fortunately, the teacher didn't punish me ~ ~

Heaven and earth, Dou E is more unfair than me!

I bought WSJ for LP. I went to the store for a long time and didn't know what to buy. I just took a bag and asked the owner, "Boss, is this easy to use?" The boss (male) wait for a while looked at me carefully for 5 seconds and said, "I have never used this either!" " "