"Escape from the Bondage of Mother's Love": Find your inner voice and learn to heal yourself

May 8 should be the happiest day for a mother. However, a tragedy that occurred in Liaoning made it impossible for this mother to live such a happy life again.

At 11:52 on April 25, on the streets of Zhuanghe City, Liaoning Province, in front of an express hotel, a black car accurately hit an old aunt on the roadside. The aunt fell to the ground on the spot and was seriously injured.

At this time, the driver of the car not only did not stop to check, but reversed the car, stepped on the accelerator again, and hit the aunt who had fallen to the ground for the second time.

It is understood that the driver who hit and killed the aunt turned out to be the aunt's biological daughter. The mother was too seriously injured and rescue efforts failed, and she died unfortunately. Li, who killed his biological mother, just divorced her husband last year. The child belongs to her ex-husband and currently lives with her mother.

Due to family trivial matters and discord between mother and daughter, Li recently ran away from home. The mother searched all the way and found the hotel where she was staying, and persuaded her daughter to go home. The mother and daughter had a heated argument. This tragedy just happened.

Reading this news made me tremble, but it was also thought-provoking. I can't imagine what kind of contradiction is behind it that makes the relationship between mother and daughter so bad?

Mother and daughter were originally the closest people in the world, but in the end they became enemies that cost their lives.

Mothers have always been regarded as "mothers are strong" and "great mothers" have a sacred aura in people's eyes. So as soon as the thought "Mom is not good" comes up, I will automatically block it and put it in the deepest part of my heart, refusing to admit it or touch it, because my mother has always been thinking about us and can't do anything for the family. Say something bad about her. But sometimes, the bondage of maternal love invisibly affects and even controls our lives.

Psychologist Jung said: "Things we are not aware of constitute our destiny."

Yu Lingna, a master's degree in psychology from Zhejiang University, has more than 10 years of experience in psychological counseling Practical experience, over 7,000 hours of consulting experience. He has extensive practical experience in depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, female growth, and trauma companionship.

In the book "Breaking Free from the Bondage of Maternal Love: Pain and Healing in the Mother-Daughter Relationship", the author Yu Lingna discusses the daily life of Chinese mothers and daughters and analyzes 15 types of unhealthy mother-daughter relationships. The root causes, manifestations and effects, combined with his many years of consulting experience, provide practical and effective solutions to heal the damage caused between women and mothers.

These analyzes help us think about the unhealthy relationships between mothers and daughters that lead to conflict and harm.

1. The father’s absence in parenting resulted in a misplaced dependence on each other.

"Dad, Dad, where are we going? As long as I am here, you will not be afraid of anything! Baby, baby, I am your big tree. I will accompany you to watch the sunrise all my life." This is a story The theme song of the parent-child program "Where Are We Going, Dad". The lyrics are full of fatherly love. There is a saying: The most love a father gives his children is the reflection of his busy back.

Father's love is like a big tree, it is the support of a family. If a family does not have this big tree, in order for the children to grow up healthily, the mother has to take on such nurturing responsibilities. Because of this, the space where daughters and mothers get along is more dense, which can easily cause friction in life.

The relationship between the 47-year-old Wu Qili and her daughter Wu Zhuolin has been constantly being sorted out and confused, and it has not been effectively resolved so far. Xiao Longnu did not have the company of her father's love when she was growing up, and her relationship with her mother Wu Qili grew up in a love-and-kill pattern. There have been many scandals about the deterioration of the relationship between mother and daughter. Growing up in such an environment is obviously not good for Wu Zhuolin. Finally, at the age of 18, Wu Zhuolin officially announced that he came out and left his mother's arms. We can feel the pain in Wu Qili's heart, but she did not stand up to stop Wu Zhuolin because she knew that her daughter at this time could no longer listen to her advice.

The absence of a father often creates various differences in work and life between mother and daughter who have been in the same space for a long time, strengthening various unhealthy emotional patterns between mother and daughter. That's why Wu Qili and her daughter Wu Zhuolin had all kinds of conflicts, which ultimately created strong hatred between mother and daughter.

2. The idea of ????preferring boys over girls makes women desire to be loved

Times are constantly improving, but the idea of ????preferring boys over girls is still prevalent in this society. Preferring sons over daughters is a concept of inequality between men and women. This feudal idea will also affect parents' conception of fertility, and they will be more willing to have boys than girls.

The actor Chen Qiaoen grew up in a family that valued boys over girls. He grew up under the stick of his mother. The elder brother and younger brother have everything they want, but Chen Qiaoen does not. All she was left with was housework, as well as all kinds of strict demands and beatings from her mother. No matter how well I do or how much I do, I still never get the love from my mother. Even as an adult, the mother is aware of the damage done to her daughter and wants to make amends. But in the process of getting along with their mother, the atmosphere between mother and daughter was very depressed, and even communication seemed so pale. In an interview, there was a scene that impressed me deeply. When Chen Qiaoen said that her mother beat her, she would subconsciously turn her back in front of the camera with a look of fear on her face. It is conceivable that I have not been able to get out of the shadow of childhood until I grew up, and even as an adult I still cannot forget it.

Give priority to satisfying the elder brother, younger brother, older sister and younger sister materially. They do not receive material satisfaction and take on more family responsibilities. If they make any demands, they will only be scolded for being ignorant. As a result, daughters often dare not express their inner feelings. When she grew up, her seemingly considerate daughter actually suppressed her inner emotions and lived a life she didn't want to live.

3. "The eldest sister is like mother", living a life that does not belong to oneself

I saw a post on Zhihu:

The eldest daughter of a family Women bear the burden of the entire family. The meager income is not much except for renting a house and daily expenses. She also has to send 1,500 yuan to her family every month for living expenses, pay off foreign debts, and pay for the dowries of her two younger sisters.

Even though I was extremely reluctant, I still remembered that it was not easy for my mother to take care of the house alone. I was torn between saving some money for myself or continuing to bear the family's expenses. I wanted to think about myself, but I also felt sorry for my mother, and I suffered from psychological torment.

A 2016 UNICEF study showed that around the world, girls aged 5 to 14 spend 40% more time doing housework than boys of the same age. As the girl gets older, the time increases. As a result, girls sacrifice the opportunity to learn, grow and enjoy their childhood.

After reaching adulthood, it is still difficult to step away from the responsibility of taking care of younger siblings. They lose their boundaries and interfere with their career development, marriage and childcare, which in turn worsens the relationship between them. This creates the dilemma of being hated despite giving.

It is never others who decide whether we will be happy or miserable every day, but ourselves.

Then how can we heal ourselves, better accept ourselves, break out of the shackles of maternal love, and better live the life we ??want.

Author Yu Lingna tells us how to get out of an unhealthy mother-daughter relationship in the book "Breaking Free from the Bondage of Maternal Love":

1. Identify the inner voice that is "not one's own" and get rid of it. Mother's inner image

Mother's inner image means that when the daughter is thinking about problems and making decisions, the actions required by her mother will unconsciously appear in her mind, thus losing her own judgment and choice.

There are three common internal images:

(1) Identity and obedience

Always obey your mother’s words and do things that are not what you like or want.

(2) Counter-identification and confrontation

How can the inner image of "mother" be said to do nothing, subconsciously starting a resistance.

(3) See and choose to ignore

Already know that it is not your own thought, and then return your attention to self-awareness. Do what you want to do.

The first stage is to be completely affected, the second stage is to consciously break away and resist, and the third stage is to a state of ignorance, and the inner image will slowly disappear.

2. Find your inner voice and learn to be self-satisfied

Listen to your inner voice and do what you want to do, such as taking a good rest, taking a walk, and looking at the scenery. Even in a daze without restraint. Learn to be self-satisfied.

3. Establish interpersonal boundaries, you are you, I am me

The so-called boundaries mean that we each have our own feelings, concepts and desires, and no one is obligated to be for the other. Be responsible, you should be responsible for your own life, others can only give you suggestions.

To establish the boundaries of the mother-daughter relationship, there are two aspects:

(1) Be wary of any words and behaviors that blur the boundaries or violate the boundaries

For example, they like to say: "We are a family, what should you do", or "I am your mother, I am doing this for your own good" and other expressions.

If you encounter such a situation, you must first consider whether the other party's words and actions are reasonable and reasonable, and whether you agree with them before making a decision.

(2) Use actions to defend your boundaries

In families without a sense of boundaries, the process of establishing boundaries often leads to disputes, perhaps quarrels, and refusal to cooperate. But this is a necessary process, and there is no way to avoid it. Only by fighting for it with action can the boundary be finally established.

The book "Breaking Free from the Bondage of Maternal Love" written by the author Yu Lingna reveals 15 types of unhealthy mother-daughter relationships. I have only written three here. An unhealthy mother-daughter relationship will have a profound impact on a woman's personality formation, intimacy and life development. Even if some people suffer from psychological torture all year round, they are not willing to blame their mothers, but they are always struggling inside. As everyone knows, the best reward a child can give his mother is happiness. We can learn self-compassion, self-identity, truly start to love ourselves, and calmly be our true selves; maintain boundaries with our mother with gratitude, no longer expect her to change, and there is no need to break with her.

I hope that after seeing you here, whether you are a mother or a mother and daughter, you can better understand the relationship between mother and daughter, let go of your inhibitions, heal yourself, and liberate yourself. Start a better life!