Hide the ghost in your heart and walk through every spring and autumn.

I am pushed forward by the torrent of time and have pushed to the fork in the road of fate. Although I don't know how the road ahead is more difficult to keep the retreat, fortunately, I finally don't have to worry about other things, because in any case, it is a foregone conclusion that you leave me.

In fact, I really want to ask you what kind of person he is, whether he is good to you or not, and whether he likes you or not. Will he know that you can't sleep well at night and like to take your hands out of the quilt? If you can't sleep well, you will get up again and again to drink water and go to the toilet. You must cook your food soft and rotten; If you are not hot or unhappy, you should prepare a cup of honey for you at the dinner table. You eat slowly, so eat slowly with you, because once the people around you have finished eating, you will immediately put down your chopsticks, but after we have been together for a few years, you don't care that I am waiting for you; You like to be lively and slow, so you will take me to some parties on holidays and then I will always accompany you; You have allergic rhinitis, so you must not do housework when changing seasons, because the dust is very heavy. ...

If he doesn't know, you won't tell him. You never express yourself.

You don't know that the blade in front of the mirror has rusted when lying in the water stain. From the week I knew you were leaving, I pointed a blade at Byakki Smoker's neck in front of the mirror every night, but I put it down again. I always think it's ridiculous to threaten others with myself. Because the result seems to be just to prove that you are unbearable and humble. Most importantly, I don't want to embarrass you.

I also thought about threatening you with a blade around someone else's neck, but I laughed myself-you said let him go, you would like to stay; Or you say that even if you want to kill the city today, you can't keep me-I laugh at myself for being stupid. ...

Forget it, it's all in the past. Since I pretended to be generous when you left that day, I wouldn't suddenly appear in front of you and ask you to come with me or something. You always thought I was proud, but you didn't know that my indifference and indifference to things nearby was because I didn't care. For you, I actually care too much, so I am helpless. Because of helplessness, I am at a loss. Because I am at a loss, I am afraid of self-defeating.

I didn't notice when the telephone at home became more and more frequent, and your silence became longer and longer. You don't smoke or drink. If you have something on your mind, just stare out the window. The way you don't talk often reminds me of my mother and the white jasmine my mother keeps on the windowsill. I often wonder if you have the ability of out-of-body experience. Can you just sit there? But your soul has crossed the Pacific Ocean or Asia-Europe continent, and reached a distant place that I can't reach.

One day seven years ago, I stood alone in front of the morgue for a long time. Too many human tragedies and comedies are staged in front of me. I am so sad that I have no strength to cry. It was already dark when you came out. You are wearing a red sweater, sitting on the steps beside the flower bed, looking up at the moon in the sky. I didn't know you then. I just saw a man. I want someone to accompany me. So I sat down beside you. After a while, you put my head on your shoulder, and we sat all night until we slept together.

It was just an accidental meeting and we didn't even say a word. I didn't expect to see you again, but every night that makes me feel lonely, I think the greatest comfort in life is the girl who accompanied me to see the moon at the hospital gate the night my mother died. The fragrance in her hair and the body temperature coming through the thick sweater have since become the deepest taste and temperature in my heart.

Half a year later, in the spring, at the night market in Shuijie, I was eating with a bowl of wheezing noodles. I'm not afraid of being hit in the waist. I reached out and touched my wallet to watch out ... when the gang surrounded me from all directions at the end of the water street, I was still bluffing: "Give me my wallet back, and my aunt will not pursue today." Although I have realized that the thief led me into a trap.

Finally, I don't want my wallet back. I lay on the cold and dirty concrete floor and watched the curved moon hanging high in the sky. I would never eat fireworks. I don't know if I can leave my life and death. I suddenly remembered the girl at the hospital gate, her scent and warm body temperature. Then I seem to really smell the fragrance. I turned my head and saw your bright eyes looking at me in surprise. Then the whole alley echoed with your cry: "Ah! Help! " Later, you kindly took me to your home, where I lived for five years. ...

After a long time, one day we drank too much. Speaking of the past, I talked about watching the moon in the hospital the night my mother died. You said, "Armand, I always feel that I have known you for a long time." I smiled and said, "Let's talk about this next life. In the next life, I am a man and you are a woman. We have known each other since childhood and grew up together. I married you. " You smiled exaggeratedly: "Hahahaha ... your tone seems to recall the events of this life ... Hahahaha ..." I looked at your smile and was in a trance. I don't know if that sentence was said. Actually, I wish it was this kind of life. But you don't have to say this.

I was staring at the window in a daze, and the residual flower stopped me-your departure seemed to drain the meaning of my life, and I spent the rest of my time watching the sunrise and waiting for the sunset every day. Occasionally, I wonder how I spent every day with you, and why five years seems like a snap of my fingers. As for the days after you left, I feel trapped in the river of time-I can't get up, I can't get down, I can't go back. I want to drown like this.

Floral asked me if I would like to attend your wedding. I lowered my head and kicked the toilet paper on the ground into a pile with my feet, pretending to be serious. I remembered that she couldn't see me, so she stopped pretending and bit her lip and didn't know what to say. I only heard two feedings, followed by a clear cough, and the tone was a little embarrassed: "Although I am her good friend, but ... actually, I don't think this may be good. If you don't want to, I will tell her for you. " Well (hesitating, etc.) ... that is to say, she wants you to be her maid of honor ... well (hesitating, etc.) ... and she insists on telling you that your skirt is lavender fishtail skirt. "

By the way, we have an appointment to take a wedding photo at the age of 27. You wear a purple wedding dress, and the skirt with a tube top should be wavy. Sitting in a skirt is like sitting in a purple sea of flowers; I wear a deep V fishtail skirt. You like me wearing tight clothes. You said it would show my beautiful figure. You said my skirt should go with a long and big skirt. You want me to enjoy the envious eyes of people. We made an appointment to shoot on the busy day as our fifth anniversary together. Thinking of this, I turned on the computer in a hurry, only to find that the time had jumped to August 14. So I heard a sigh in my heart: it has been eight months. ...

You asked me to leave after Christmas last year, and I was thinking that this day had finally come. You never told me about your family, and I never asked. So it was not until you left for a long time that I heard a little from the broken flower: it turns out that you have forced yourself to never marry. It turns out that you once broke your leg and really jumped off the stairs. It turned out that the building you said you would jump for me was true ... only later did I know that you were lying in the ward and heard your mother crying at the door of the ward, begging the doctor to give you your leg. At that moment, your heart melted, and you said you couldn't live up to the old man ... I'd rather believe that you really wanted to buy us a year.

This flash of god, when I came back to God, was to hear: "Why don't you push it? After all, you two have been so long, and now she is getting married, and you want to be a bridesmaid. What is this bridesmaid, and there is no shortage of these two female companions ... "

I suddenly felt a twinge of hatred. Who is she, why do you want to disturb my life, why do you want to tell me that you are getting married, why don't you let me be your maid of honor ... a little naughty and impatient, I should have said a good word and hung up the phone.

The wind blew from the balcony and the pale blue curtains were blown up. I stared at the semi-circular shadow projected on the ground and thought of you again. This curtain is your favorite color after we ran for half a month. Once, you liked to wrap yourself in curtains. At dusk when I just wake up from work or when I make you angry and sad, when I can't see you, I will call your name and wander around the small house. You always show a pair of smiling eyes from behind the curtain when I call your name to turn to the third turn in the room: "I'm here ~" and raise my voice to sweep away all my bad feelings.

Once after dinner, we quarreled about who was going to wash the dishes. At the height of the quarrel, you said excitedly, "If I didn't know you were so lazy, I would hide behind the curtain every time!" " You spoke so fast that the words in the middle were so vague that you almost bit your tongue. I looked at your red eyes and face and wanted to kiss you, but you just left quickly. I bowed my head and silently cleaned up the dishes, and my eyes were red in the sound of running water in the kitchen faucet. ...

I held you that night and kissed you for a long time. I have repeatedly apologized and promised. I said I was sorry. I said I would bring you back wherever you went. I said I love you. You came back sobbing, and your round eyes were like a wounded little beast because of tears. I wanted to hear you scold me, but you didn't. I want to hear you say that you love me, and neither do you. You just hugged me hard and didn't say anything.

My body clings to your fine porcelain skin, feeling your body temperature, your softness ... You bury your head in my cervical fossa and gently bite my earlobe, which is my sensitive place. I have never been so attached to your body, my fingers and my lips, touching and kissing your face, your neck, your chest, your lower abdomen, your legs and your feet inch by inch over and over again. You also responded to me fiercely. The first time I thought about our future, I thought that you might leave me, and my body and hands were exhausted. It seems that every moment from now on is a blessing of fate ... at that time, it was our third year together.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and look at you by the dim moonlight. It always reminds me of a description of the body in Duras's Lover. "ragnar's body is heavy and innocent. Her skin is as smooth and delicate as the surface of some fruits, and this softness will soon be lost, which can only make you have a little illusion." I want to change the name of "ragnar" to yours.

Sometimes I surf the Internet in my room and suddenly I hear you yelling in the living room. You say "armand, I love this sentence ~" Your voice is clean and clear. Every time you call my name, I am very happy. Every time I meet someone I like, I will call me in that tone and share it with me. I listened to you read that sentence word by word that day, and you looked at me with a happy expression and a pair of smart eyes. Your expression is so cute that every time I read this sentence later, I will not only think of your body, but also your expression at that time and the sentence "Amand".

I seldom call your name because I dare not. I'm afraid you're just a dream around me, and I'm afraid I'll wake you up accidentally-you'll leave me when you wake up.

The purple bridesmaid's dress soon came to our house with broken flowers. Broken flower looked at me with a complicated expression and put on that skirt. She said, "Look, Armand, our bodies are very similar. If you don't like it, I can also help you as a bridesmaid. " I looked in the mirror and asked her again and again, "What's behind? Will the belly be bigger from the side? Come on, help me squeeze my chest again ... "

"You are skinny at home and want a little belly ... Look, your breasts have shrunk ..."

If I can't give you happiness, I can give you to that person myself. I think so, too. Besides, what if you go back on your word? Can I hold your hand and run like no one's watching? Worst of all, I walked with you through the sacred church in full view. I can whisper "I do" to the priest or hear your clear voice say "I do". This is not my wishful thinking.

I didn't expect your wedding day to come so soon. I am your only maid of honor, and you drove everyone away, leaving me as the last line of defense in your room. I stand behind the door with my back to you. It's buzzing outside, and your groom is getting closer and closer-"It's already downstairs", "The corridor door is open, and he's coming in", "Call, look at your father, it's so easy to let your son-in-law", "My mother-in-law is going through the second door" and "The bride is ready, and the door needs to be guarded"

How can I keep such a thin door ... I finally understand the fact that you will never belong to me. I look back at you. You are wearing a lavender wedding dress and kneeling in the middle of the bed with a bunch of flowers. The wedding dress is beautiful, and so are you. Put it on, you are really in the purple flower as you said. Behind him is the blue sky and the red word "hi" stuck on the glass. Your bow is quiet and beautiful as usual in my dream.

I remembered what floral said: "That man is very stable, and his family and hers are family friends. I had dinner with him several times. He is a very steady person ... "I have never asked you how he is, because I hope he is well and you can meet a lover for the rest of your life. I hope he's not good, too. If he is not good, will you leave him? Is there a reason to stay with me all the time?

Maybe you noticed my eyes, and you looked back at me. With this look, all your past emerges, and I can't control myself anymore. I gently approached your lips and bent down, afraid to touch the wedding dress in full bloom on the bed, for fear of accidentally ... your mouth is smiling and crow's feet are shaking, perhaps because everyone knows that this is the last time, and we are particularly reluctant to kiss.

The back door is so noisy that I have to leave you. ...

I put my hand on the doorknob and asked you, "Are you ready?" You asked me, "What do you want to ask him?" I thought about it, and then asked my opponent through the thin wooden door, "Are you afraid of death?" Maybe it's because this question is so nonsense that the door is obvious, and then the groom replies, "I'm so scared!" " "I said," if you treat her badly, I will kill you. "You whisper to me behind my back, but I'm serious. From the moment my mother left my life and you just entered, I regarded you as the most important person. If necessary, I will defend you with my life. I opened the door, and the crowd poured in. They stood among us, so I couldn't look at you anymore. ...

He took you away, and I followed you into the new car and sat side by side in the back row. He is sitting in the co-pilot. You have been holding my hand and the car is parked downstairs in the hotel. You looked up at the tall building and whispered, "I'm getting married." I glanced at you sideways and agreed, "I'm getting married." But, as we all know, it's not me and you.

From the night when you sat beside me all night six years ago to the time when you rescued me from danger in the water street five years ago, I gradually found that I could only sleep beside you, and I couldn't give your happiness to others myself. There will be someone else to accompany you for me on the road behind. It's a pity that I can't answer that "I do" or listen to you say "I do". I can't accept your bouquet or roll up your long hair by myself ... What a pity. ...

When I stood on the street in the hot afternoon, watching you walk into the tall building with him, it was like stepping into the palace of your marriage. I finally understand the meaning of that sentence. "I hope you are happier than anyone else, but it will be sad to think that your happiness is not because of me."

I haven't been to your studio since you moved out. In the past, when you were here, I occasionally went in with my mobile phone and computer to sit with you. You said I didn't like people watching you paint, so I just sat in the corner and didn't even eat snacks for fear of disturbing you. The day you left, Canhua helped you. I stayed outside all day, like a homeless person. Indeed, if you leave, I will have no home.

When I came back from your wedding, it suddenly occurred to me that I had opened a studio. The room is full of your smell and your traces, and the walls are full of us: you and I are having a snowball fight in the snow, you and I are sitting in the quilt watching the computer, you are trying on clothes and watching me try on clothes, I am playing games and feeding me snacks, you are cooking and stealing vegetables, you are drawing and reading, and I am hiding in the curtains.

There is still an unfinished painting hanging on your drawing board-you are sitting on the golden beach, smiling happily. A little boy, covered in sand, hooked your neck from behind, and his chubby face clung to yours. You see a man holding a little girl in a pink bathing suit high. The girl is laughing excitedly and her eyes are narrowed like yours. Your parents helped each other to walk not far away. As the sun set, the happy color of roses appeared on the whole canvas. The waves are high, and the two names posted on the beach are you and me. And that man's face is my five senses.

"Armand, I always feel that I have known you for a long time."

"This words have the next life to say again, next life, I am a man, you are a woman. We have known each other since childhood and grew up together. I married you. "

"You sound like you're remembering things in your life ..."

Actually, I wish it was this kind of life.