[Deng Huiwen. Micro-class for adults] When two people become a tripartite - a family triangle relationship

This scene is very rich in content. It not only explores the change in the interaction between husband and wife from two people to three people, but also explores the changes in the interaction between husband and wife from two Greek mythology stories: Oedipus Complex (Oedipus Complex) and Idipus Complex (Oedipus Complex). "Electra" uses mythological stories to illustrate the inexplicable competition, hostility and rivalry between parents and children. I will record and share the parts I remember!

This scene is very rich in content. It not only explores the change in the interaction between husband and wife from two people to three people, but also explores the changes in the interaction between husband and wife from two Greek mythology stories: Oedipus Complex (Oedipus Complex) and Idipus Complex (Oedipus Complex). "Electra" uses mythological stories to illustrate the inexplicable competition, hostility and rivalry between parents and children. I will record and share the parts I remember!

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From the time a child is born, we are supposed to be fathers, kings and queens, how can we become male servants and maids

As a parent, of course there is a part of you that loves your children and is devoted to them, but you also have to subconsciously compete with your children for your partner’s attention, and you may feel frustrated by the child consuming and occupying your partner. The resentment of being exhausted by children, these relationship warnings caused by the lack of inner space, often test the parents' awareness of the current situation.

Every time, when someone talks about how you want to be a parent, it is easy to evoke this kind of "Who doesn't want to go to the city, have a home, and just be the emperor and queen in it?"

But inside the city wall, how could it be so easy to be an emperor and queen?

When we have children, we often fall out of our role as father, queen, and mother, and often experience anger and unspeakable exhaustion.

We all know that "parents' inner stability affects how their children grow up."

But how can we be stable parents?

When we become parents, it is easy to recall the relationship we had with our parents since childhood. I had a case where I beat a child because he was not well-behaved. When the child's mouth oozed blood but she refused to cry, she felt extremely ashamed on the spot and found that she was just like her stepmother. When she turned around and asked her father, "Why are you doing this?" Marrying my stepmother to abuse me?" What she actually wanted to say was, "It turns out that these wounds in my life have not passed. The moment I hit the child casually, how much I blamed myself and resented my past experience." Her father was unable to respond to her question. This dialogue about life also reawakened the part of him that he could not do well, and his strong self was also shattered. Her father loved her very much, Based on this, it is more difficult to answer her question (from now on, books will no longer copy their parents' marriage).

Dr. Deng mentioned in the lecture that when we get along with children, we not only evoke our past experiences, but also repair the relationship. She mentioned that perhaps the mother and daughter who had a bad relationship had the opportunity to have a kind of psychological reconciliation because they were taking care of their children at this time (this feeling is: It turns out that my mother worked so hard when she took care of me!). When we accompany our children, we are actually accompanying and re-seeing ourselves as children. So when we express our hopes for our children, "You don't want to be like mom, you are..." "You don't want to be like dad, you are..." These hopes It becomes the basis for us to accompany our children. But some of them are actually wounds from our past. When we are unsure of ourselves and unable to settle down and accompany ourselves, it is easy to project these messy selves onto our children piece by piece without realizing it.

As parents, we have high hopes and expectations for our children. When they do not meet our expectations, we are easily disillusioned and disappointed, or when children ask questions that even we cannot answer, such as: "Mom, why do you and dad often quarrel?" "Dad, why don't I have a mother?" This question often breaks parents, but we are actually "falling down again and again, but struggling to climb up again and again." The position is expected to "sit securely on top", but it is not as simple as imagined.

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The relationship between husband and wife slowly evolved from the tension in the interaction into a spiritual retreat:

In the lecture, Dr. Deng mentioned that she consulted In one of Shang's cases, the wife complained that when the husband said he would work overtime, the wife's friend accidentally discovered that the husband came out of the hotel smelling of alcohol and aroma. With some wild woman.

She communicated with her husband, who expressed that he wanted to have his own space and that the seven-month-old child was too noisy. But ultimately, what the husband cares about is that his wife has no longer paid attention to him from the moment she became pregnant. After the child is born, the wife will angrily complain that he is not fast enough, not good enough, not caring enough for the child, and not involved. He is not active, but when he turns his head, his eyes are full of soft words when looking at the child, and when he turns around, his eyes are full of disgust.

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People’s hearts are not ironclad. How did this gentleman start to slowly walk away from the relationship between husband and wife? It must not just be a sudden decision at this moment, but a process. In fact, in the relationship between husband and wife, the relationship between husband and wife was originally to take care of each other's inner children, but now they spend energy taking care of the real children, and both parties are exhausted.

The husband said: "Since I had a child, I have no wife!" This hidden loss has not yet been expressed, but will be deprived of it. What ability and space will he have to use? Love the kid who stole your wife?

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Another model is that the couple begins an invisible competition

For example: "You have a bad personality and are more like your dad. Your reaction is Be more like me!" (Give the bad to the other person, and look like yourself to the good)

These hidden competitions can easily make one of the parties slowly withdraw from the family and hide themselves until they are discovered. until she's offline.

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Throw angels into children, bad debts and demons into partners

In partner interaction, if the parents’ own egos are broken and fragile, If you don't feel confident about yourself, you will easily be unable to keep "good things". These good things include good evaluations, as well as that I am worthy of being loved, that I respect myself, that I am attractive, that I will not be abandoned, etc. These self-evaluations are what support a person's respect for himself. the basis of. When the self is weak and fragile, the fundamental needs of "I'm not good enough", "I'm not loved enough", "I'm not respected", etc. are not discovered at all, and those quarrels stop at housework. Together, there is a struggle over who has given more to the family and who has sacrificed more, and the foundation of the relationship between husband and wife is constantly being consumed in the struggle. When these restless factors and uncertain factors cannot be obtained by the other party. , it is easy to invest in children, hoping to give back from children. This situation of drawing another person into a triangle relationship is very common in families, so children are like containers, absorbing various emotions, while helping parents dilute tense feelings, while feeling confused about themselves.

Couples have too many unrealistic expectations for their children. They hope that their wishes will be fulfilled by their children. In fact, it is easy to become disillusioned.

When you have a child and see the day before your eyes, and there is a person around you who can’t listen to what he says, can’t understand what he hears, understands but can’t do it, and can’t do it well, then Like a jerk or a rotten person. It doesn’t matter if you are lazy or don’t want to do it, and it doesn’t matter if you are selfish. Not only can you not help, but you only care about yourself. Therefore, one partner will often take over the child's affairs, and then win over the child's thoughts and perceptions. However, over time, when the child grows up, it will exceed the parents' expectations, and the parents gradually find that the child is beyond their expectations. He was almost under his control and could no longer think about him, so he began to treat the child hard and softly, worrying about gains and losses, hoping that she could maintain the appearance she expected. The child would eventually feel confused, and in the end there would be no trace left in the child. Live these goodies.

Based on the shattering of such hopes and the failure of parents’ expectations, parents will eventually face the fact that their children are not completely their angels. Finally, the child’s self may also be broken and fragile.

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Children are curious babies responsible for arousing our psychological black box:

When talking about it between husband and wife, both husband and wife actually have their own The black box of growth in the past (Pandora's box). When a child is growing up, she will rummage around in the room with curiosity. This image refers to her parents' own black box of growth in the past. It is easy for children to accidentally rummage through their parents' boxes. Pandora's black box stirs up the most unknown side of us. When your past experience is inadvertently evoked, you mix your past experience with your present experience, and it becomes unreasonable and vexatious. I am not satisfied with myself.

In fact, sometimes it’s not how bad the other person is, but psychological factors at play. When we blame the other person for these bad debts and think that the other person is ungrateful and immature, all of these are completely combined. , originally hidden in the box of the past, is suddenly dug out, and it is easy to be dissatisfied and disappointed with the other party. From verbal abuse to not talking, from dissatisfaction to breakup, these struggles and black box operations between couples cannot be understood clearly. On the negative side, these behaviors make it more difficult to stabilize yourself and treat your children.

For example: When you are playing with a child, you say bad things about your mother. If you don’t want to call your partner, you ask the child to call your partner. Your good qualities are like mine, and your bad qualities are like his. These struggles are all injuries or experiences from the past and present being stirred up and mixed together. This creates chaos in the relationship, and the children absorb and dilute the tension from their parents, causing them to develop their own weird ways of coping.

Originally, we did not want to affect the children, but we accidentally affected them.

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Since giving birth to a child, recall the relationship with your parents in the past (you can refer to the book and never copy your parents’ marriage)

When you give birth to a child In the process of taking care of your children and accompanying them, the relationship between you and your parents emerges. If your family atmosphere is very stressful and you are expected to shine and do well, then it will be easy for you to let go of this pressure. On yourself, you have to do well, perform well, and don't make mistakes. These pressures are still on your children even when your parents no longer require them. So, you treat your children with this attitude. When your children are under great pressure , because you demand perfection from yourself, but as everyone knows, children will not be controlled to grow up just because you demand perfection!

Dr. Deng gave an example of a couple who wanted to divorce. The mother had taken care of the couple since the birth of the child. The father would rather watch movies at home during the holidays than take care of the child. So Mom decided to take care of herself alone. One time, this mother took her child to the park and got injured. When she came back, her father scolded her and said, "How do you take care of your child?" The mother was most angry, "If it weren't for me, would my child be alive today? How could you?" "Speaking like this?"

Second, would it be better if you were here?

Third, how were you used by your parents when you were a child?

Can we discuss how we were used by our parents when we were children? When we have an angry mother or a careless father, what will we do if we stay in the role of children? For example, we are used to listen to our thoughts, to do housework, to resolve tensions between husband and wife, to be blamed, to be beaten, to be disliked, and to throw a lot of hope into (turning children into Kinder Surprise Egg, which fulfills all wishes at once), or is used to save them, these behaviors will become a deep-rooted habit, and these habits will easily stay with us. When we become parents, we will resurfaced.

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Suggestions and reflections on relationships:

We can think about it,

1. How do we start to ignore the other half? ? 2. What are the consequences of ignoring your partner?

3. Have we explained our needs clearly to each other? We still have to keep asking the other party to guess

4. Since when did we start not taking anything into account for the other party (for example, the number of people traveling is always less than dad, he just swipes his card and waits). These tacit permissions for the other party to stay out of the matter, and then we How did the complaint about his lack of participation come about?

5. How do we create opportunities for the other two parties to interact instead of playing the game of stabbing dad or stabbing mom in private (for example: secretly telling the child, you see, you can only do this when dad is here, Mom is not here, etc.)

6. We are not perfect parents, but we can be conscious parents

The so-called husband and wife are of the same mind, which is as powerful as gold. When we are more consciously aware of our family of origin, we have the opportunity to know our own injuries and the contents of those Pandora's boxes accidentally opened by children. At least if we know it first, it will be easier for us to deal with the past injuries and each other. Repair relationships, not re-traumatize them.

For jealousy, hostility and competition between parents and children, you can refer to the following two stories:

Oedipus complex (Oedipus) - Oedipus complex;

Electra Complex - Electra Complex

Please refer to related books:

From now on, you will no longer copy your parents’ marriage - 35 exercises to avoid marriage mines and find happiness

It’s okay not to be good enough: The fun of women

Awakening parents: Find the inner connection between you and your child, and become your child’s best spiritual growth partner

Deng Huiwen Parenting Growth Course

Date: 10/22 (Saturday) 14:00-17:00 pm

Speaker: Deng Huiwen, psychiatrist

Topic: Two people Become a tripartite-family triangle

Location: Department of Physics, National Taiwan University International Conference Hall (No. 1, Section 4, Roosevelt Road, Taipei City, next to the National Taiwan University Sports Center)

Course link "Family Triangle" ", "Couple Communication Credit" course introduction is as follows:

Please refer to the registration website: ? ↘ topic.lishixinzhi/ad…/2016/class/DengHuiwen

10/29 The third session | Sign on Marriage Communication - Couple Communication Credits

Marriage relies on interaction, not telepathy. How can couples with very different personalities chat without quarreling? Sort out the tangles in the marriage, turn the quarrels into emotional aid, draw the other half into the upbringing circle, become each other's partners, and enjoy the most precious intimacy in marriage again.

*This article was published simultaneously on blog: Cross-border. Leaving Strongly and Gentlely

"This article is the opinion of the author carefully selected for cooperation and does not represent the position"