100 points. Give it to whoever tells the best joke!!!

1. I peeked at my wife’s diary and ended up laughing half to death

In the middle of the night, I woke up and felt my husband hugging me tightly. I was secretly happy! I thought to myself: This guy is usually pretty cool, but he accidentally revealed his secret while sleeping. So I was so moved, and just when I was about to enjoy his hug, I heard him say in a daze: "Honey! It's so cold!" At that time, I wanted to kick him out of bed.

One day I was watching TV with my husband. On the TV, an actress was dancing ballet. My husband said to me: "Honey, you are also very suitable for ballet." I was secretly happy! I thought: My husband must think I have a good figure. But I wanted him to praise me more directly, so I calmly asked him: "Why do you think I am suitable for ballet?" My husband said seriously and in a professional tone: "No one who dances ballet should have too big breasts." I didn't roll off the chair immediately.

After getting up at the end of the week, I talked to my husband about the recent spending problems. I felt that we often spent money randomly and it was not good to continue like this, so I decided to get rid of the habit of spending money randomly. In the evening, my husband accompanied me to the supermarket. I saw my favorite Shaqima, but I didn’t know which brand to buy, so I picked one at random. The price was 4.8 yuan. When I was about to reach for it, I heard my husband keep shouting from the side. To: "4 yuan 6, 4 yuan 6." After hearing this, I burst out laughing. It seemed that he was serious about our plan to save money.

One morning, I was resting and my husband was at work. I walked him to the elevator. The elevator door opened. I turned around to go home. I heard my husband calling me from behind. When I turned around, I saw my husband standing at the elevator. He stood with one foot in front and raised his other foot to block the elevator door. He leaned forward and said to me naughtily: "My wife, there's no one in there. KISS!" I was so angry and funny!

Once, I looked in the mirror and combed my hair and said to my husband: "You said it would be great if my husband came back from get off work every day to cook and wash clothes, and then I didn't have to do anything but just go to work." Husband He walked next to me, kept shaking me, and said, "Honey, wake up, wake up, it's getting late." I was completely defeated by my husband.

My husband and I like to watch DVDs together, but it’s very painful every time we have to change movies, especially in winter, when we don’t want to get out of bed. So, every time the screen stopped, I immediately turned my head and pretended to be asleep, snoring. Seeing this, my husband had no choice but to get out of bed and change himself. As soon as the disc came into the warehouse, I woke up immediately, pretended to be sleepy and said: What's wrong, what's wrong, what happened? Do you want to change the disc? I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming. My husband said I was too bad. A few days later, I had forgotten about this matter. When it was time to change the disc, I just wanted to call him, but he had already slept on his side, and then naturally he did the same thing, which made me laugh to death

After washing the dishes I brushed the stainless steel pot by the way, and I brushed it very hard. Finally, it was even brighter than when I bought it. So very! My husband was standing on a stool on the balcony to cool off his clothes, and I excitedly held the pot in to show him. He looked at the pot, tilting his head this way and that, and looked at it carefully, but he didn't praise me. When he was about to ask him, he licked his hair with his hand nonchalantly, "Well, this young man is quite handsome..." Bian

My wife said at the beginning that she couldn't cook. I said: "No, I can do it." As a result, now I do it! Ha ha.

When he picked me up after get off work, I shouted to buy bananas. When I went to the place, I found that two girls from the company were also buying. I know them well and he doesn't at all. I shouted to them: "Great! I don't need to buy it, right?" The girl generously handed me a bag of bananas: "Take whatever you want!" I only broke off one, and the girl said: " Get more! Why are you so polite?" He also said: "Take two, take one!" His colleague was slightly startled and quickly echoed him: "Get more, just two!" Enough. I broke off another one and was wondering how he could embarrass me like this, but he handed me the net bag, then took the two bananas and handed them to his colleagues, saying seriously: "Thank you!" When he arrived at work the next day It’s noon and everyone is still laughing when I think about it...

My husband likes to hide at home and let me find him, but the house is too small, and I can easily find him every time.

One time before going to bed, he went to turn off the light (the light switch was a certain distance from the bed). After turning it off, I saw him squatting on the ground quickly. Although I could see clearly (night vision is very good), I couldn't make any sound. ring. I saw him squatting for a while, then crawling over to the bed. I couldn't help but laugh. When he carefully and laboriously climbed to the bed and stuck his head out, I pounced on him, scaring him! Haha, laugh wildly!

In the eyes of my husband, I am famously short-sighted and have a low IQ. But sometimes, he falls for me. We were on the street the day before yesterday, and we got separated in front of a busy shopping mall, but I turned around and spotted him, and saw him looking nervously behind me. I walked up behind him and yelled his name. He turned around sharply. I pretended not to see him and yelled anyway, acting like I was scared and anxious. He smiled happily and hugged me. Say "Oh, stupid!" Oh, it's so sweet!

I remembered another thing: I was walking in the yard with my husband after dinner last night. Suddenly I saw a cockroach on the road. I shouted, "Husband, step on it, step on it, step on it!" Then I stretched out my feet. When I was about to step on it, my husband said, "Oh, it's Xiaoqiang, let it go." It made me feel like I was cruel and unloving.

My husband took the shuttle bus home and the road was blocked, so he sent me a text message asking me to take a detour home. I texted him back and said, if there is a traffic jam, just take a nap in the car. He replied: No! How scary it would be to dream about you!

One day when I saw the Chinese team losing again in a sports competition on TV, I vowed: "In the future, I will let my children practice sports and bring glory to the country!!" My husband looked up at me while reading the book and said. : "Then let him practice weightlifting, let's see what the hell he can do!" Wuwuwu...

One day I was discussing with my husband that silly topic that everyone would discuss: "Is it better to be a man in the next life?" Woman", I thought for a long time and said, "I will be a man in my next life, and I will let you serve me as a woman!" My husband turned his face and looked at me and said, "You said the same thing in your last life"...

Yesterday, my husband and I were fighting mice at home. My husband was very brave and crushed the mouse to death. I praised him for his bravery, but he said sadly, "Hey, I remembered the "Shuke and Beta" I watched when I was a child, and I felt so uncomfortable!"

This is my first time cooking for my husband. , I am really not good at my craftsmanship, and the taste and aroma of the dishes I cook are not related to each other. My husband is so cute while immersing himself in eating, while comforting me and saying, it doesn’t matter, my wife, just give me food and clothing, I don’t ask for a well-off life

When I was knitting a scarf for LG, I argued with LG for some reason, and angrily told him: "I won't knit the scarf for you anymore!"

"Then who are you knitting for?" LG glared at me.

"It's okay! Even if I donate to the disaster area, I won't give it to you!"

"Donate to the disaster area?" LG frowned: "I am the only one who dislikes your craftsmanship. , why bother the people in the disaster area?”

Geography has taught me that Fushun, Liaoning Province, is the largest coal-producing place in China, and Anshan, Liaoning Province, is the largest iron-producing place. Therefore, Fushun is called the “Coal Capital” of China. It is called "Iron City". In a certain exam, the test paper said: All coal in China is (black), and all iron in China is (hard). After the exam, he said: Why did the teacher give such a simple question?

2. An additional question in a Chinese language test asked what kind of literary work Prometheus is a character. A student answered: Harry Potter. Another time, when I asked Zuo Zhongyigong his name, a classmate wrote: Zuo Lengchan.

3. A political topic: my country’s research ship ( ) went to the Arctic for inspection. My answer: Titanic.

4. Chinese language test. Explain the word "pass away". I answered: "Go to death" (I originally wanted to write "die") and the teacher was furious...

5. In elementary school, a classmate recited a poem, and it was so difficult to recite the first three sentences. The last sentence: "A line of egrets ascending to the west." The whole class was stunned!

6. In the first-grade Chinese language proficiency test, fill in the following sentence: "Why should *** cut off the candle from the west window?" I answered: "The couple sit together until dawn." Correct answer: "But it's raining at night in Bashan."

7. In a Chinese language test, the poem that fills in the blanks is a sentence from Bai Juyi's "Inscription on the Peach Blossoms of Dalin Temple" "( ), I don't know how to turn into it." The correct answer should be "I often hate that I can't find a place to return in spring." ", one of my classmates in the front row blankly filled in "I often hate the village girl who has no place to look for".

8. There was a picture-filling question in the biology exam, which asked what organism a cell diagram is from. The correct answer was "female fruit fly". One person in my class answered: "female fruit fly". The biology team teacher held a meeting to study for a long time and decided to give 0 points.

9. When I was in high school, I also wrote the next sentence of poetry. The previous sentence is: "Friends and relatives in Luoyang are like asking each other"; one of my classmates filled in: "Just say I am in Yueyang Tower."

10. In a Chinese language test in high school, I also filled in the following sentence: "A worm can shake a big tree, ( )". One of my classmates filled in: Not moving at all. Very factual.

11. In high school, during the biology exam, I was asked: What type of digestion does a chicken have? I can’t, answer: Chicken type! As a result, the teacher named and criticized the whole class!

12. The previous sentence was: "Egrets fly in front of Xisai Mountain." The classmate couldn't hold it in for a long time, so he wrote blindly: "Turtles crawling by the river in East Village"!

13. For the high school Chinese language test, write the next sentence of an ancient poem. The previous sentence is: "When the mountain flowers are in full bloom," one person in our class actually filled in: I then worked hard to pick the flowers.

14. In the Chinese language test in junior high school, the question asked about the name of Mr. Lao She’s famous work. One classmate couldn't remember it, so I told him: teahouse. The person heard it as: teapot lid. Being scolded by the teacher!

17. There was another math test. The last big question was to determine which of the two solutions was correct. I thought about it for a long time and didn't come up with it, so I mentioned a few words by the way: It's fair to say it's fair! My mother-in-law is right! Look at it and ignore it! It all makes sense when you think about it... As a result, I became famous after the math teacher read my solution to the four classes she taught in the entire grade!

18. Mao Zedong's "Ode to the Plum Blossoms" is being taught in the high school Chinese class, and I am required to recite it in self-study early in the morning. The teacher asked someone to answer: "--She was laughing in the bush, XX answered!" XX was eating, and was speechless for a long time. He choked out "I can't even laugh!" The whole class burst into laughter!

20. For the exam, write the following sentence: "I am born to be useful." A genius student replied: "The son of a mouse can dig holes." All the Chinese teachers in our office laughed wildly without any image!

21. HOW ARE YOU? Why is it you? HOW OLD ARE YOU? Why is it always you?

22. A Chinese student witnessed a traffic accident in California, USA. Out of curiosity, he never left. When the police came, they asked him if he knew what happened. He said: one car come one car go, two car peng peng, one car die.

One day Xiaoqiang went to see a movie. When he arrived at the movie ticket office, he found a foreigner chatting with the ticket lady for a long time, so he volunteered to translate. The ticket lady said: Please tell her, now The seated tickets are sold out and only standing tickets are left. If you want to watch, you have to stand and watch. Xiaoqiang turned around and said to the foreigner: No Sit see, Stand see. If see, stand see. The foreigner replied: sorry I don't understand your English. Xiaoqiang said to the ticket lady: Oh, he said he didn't understand English.

The little white rabbit raped the big bad wolf while she was sleeping.

When the big bad wolf chased him out, the little white rabbit quickly rolled on the ground to turn himself into a gray rabbit. He took a copy of "Southern Metropolis Daily" and pretended to read the newspaper. At this time, the big bad wolf chased here, stopped and asked: "Gray Rabbit, did you see a little white rabbit passing by?" The little white rabbit replied: "Is it the rabbit that raped the big bad wolf?" The big bad wolf said: "Damn, it took so long to report it?"

A snake met another snake and asked him, brother, are we poisonous? The other snake said, "I don't know. Why are you asking this?" The snake said, "Damn, I accidentally bit my tongue..."

What should I do if I catch mosquitoes alive in summer? 1. Of course you have to raise him 2. Send him to school 3. Buy him a house 4. Help him find a wife 5. Take care of his children. Otherwise, what else can you do? After all, it’s your blood that’s flowing on it

39 Xiao Ming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher: There are a lot of ants in the toilet. The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiao Ming: What about ants? explain? Xiao Ming looked confused... and said: Ant, he... didn't say anything...

9 One day, Eggplant was walking on the street and suddenly sneezed very loudly. It wiped its nose and said angrily: "They are taking a group photo again!"

Classic dialogue:

My seven-year-old niece insisted on taking a bath with me while washing her. He also said, "Auntie, why are your breasts so small?" I sweated wildly, "Why are they so small?!" My little niece looked at me pitifully and comforted: "It's okay, mine is small too... ..."

4. I particularly liked a child in the small class and kept teasing him, asking him: "What is your mother's name?" He finally said the name xxx in a sweet voice, "So, What's your father's name?" He said two words happily: "Husband!"

9 Fish said: "I keep my eyes open all the time so that I can't be around you. I want to leave." Water said: "I flow tirelessly all day long just to hug you." Guo said: "I'm so damn stubborn now."

An American. The Japanese and Chinese were exploring the jungle and were all captured by a cannibal tribe. But the tribal chief said: "I'm in a good mood today and I won't eat you, but you all have to suffer a hundred blows. But before you get hit, you can have one wish come true." The first person to get hit was an American. He said: "Before I get hit, put 10 cushions on my butt."

"The mattresses fell like raindrops. At first, 70 mattresses were just fine. After 70 mattresses, the cushions were smashed, and then the boards were bloody... After the beating, the Japanese also asked for 10 mattresses after seeing this. 1, 2, 3...100 After the beating, the Japanese got up and patted their butts. Then they opened their mouths and boasted about their ability to imitate and recreate. They also wanted to sit back and watch the good show of the Chinese. The Chinese slowly lay down and were leisurely. He said leisurely: "Come and put the Japanese on the mat for me, face up"...

Americans, British, Chinese, and Japanese are discussing their country's military together.

The Japanese said: "We uphold the Bushido and are not afraid of sacrifice. I dare to put an apple on my head for you to test my marksmanship." So

he put an apple on his head.

The American turned around and walked back 20 steps, then turned around and shot the apple. He said proudly:

"I am Hunter."

The Japanese put another apple on their heads.

The British turned around and walked 50 steps back, then turned around and shot the apple, and he was proud. Said:

"I am Boon (Bond)."

The Japanese put a small apple on his head.

The Chinese turned around and walked back 3 steps, then turned around and shot him, his head was blown open, he said proudly:

"I am sorry."

15: Two dung beetles discussed the welfare lottery, Person A said: If I win the jackpot, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles and eat enough every day! Person B says: You are so vulgar! If I win the jackpot, I will buy a living person and eat fresh food every day! /p>

23: The director and the section chief were riding in the elevator. The director farted and said to the section chief: You farted! The section chief said: I didn’t do it... The section chief was dismissed soon, and the director was in the meeting. It said: You can't bear any big things, so what's the use of you?

50: There was a polar bear and a penguin playing together, and the penguin plucked out his hair one by one. After he came down and pulled it out, he said to the polar bear: “It’s so cold! "After hearing this, the polar bear also pulled out the hairs on his body one by one, turned to the penguin and said: "It's really cold!

An old lady wiped away tears after watching the black 100-meter race and said: It was scary. Several coal diggers knelt in a row and were shot. The shots were fired before they even took aim. Children He was so frightened that he ran away, and even the rope couldn't stop him!

A priest was playing golf, and a nun was watching. The first shot missed, and the priest cursed: "TMD, it missed!" "Hit again, the priest cursed again: "TMD, missed again!" The nun said, "God will punish you as a priest for swearing." "As soon as he finished speaking, he heard a thunderbolt that struck the nun to death. The priest was puzzled: Why was it me who cursed, and why did he strike the nun to death? At this time, I heard the voice of God coming from the sky: "TMD, I will strike too. Off! ”

6. One day, Clinton’s wife Chirac was taken to see God. She found many watches hanging in God’s living room, and some of these watches moved fast and some moved slowly. So she asked God’s servant: “Why does God collect so many watches? And these watches don’t run equally fast?

The servant of God said: "These watches represent human life. Everyone in the world has a watch of this kind. If he has many affairs, his watch will run faster." The watch goes slowly without an affair.

After hearing this, Chirac looked around and said, "Why didn't you see my husband Clinton's watch?" The servant of God said, “Your husband’s watch was taken to the office by God and used as an electric fan!”

Tang Monk and four others took a plane to travel. The plane crashed on the way, but there were only three parachutes.

So, Tang Seng said, everyone should answer the questions, and those who can’t answer will jump down.

Tang Monk: Wukong, how many suns are there in the sky?

Wukong: One.

Tang Seng: Okay, I’ll give you one.

Tang Monk: Sha Monk, how many moons are there in the sky?

Sha Seng: One.

Tang Seng: Okay, I’ll give you one too.

Bajie on the side was so happy for such a simple question.

Tang Monk: Bajie, how many stars are there in the sky?

Bajie jumped down.

Not long after, the four of them took a plane to travel again. It crashed again on the way and still only had three parachutes.

They continued to answer questions.

Tang Monk: Wukong, when was the People’s Republic of China established?

Wukong: 1949.

Tang Monk: OK. Give you a handful.

Tang Seng: Sha Seng, how many people died in the liberation war?

Sha Seng: 2.5 million people.

Tang Seng: Okay, I’ll give you one too.

Tang Seng: Bajie, what are the names of those 2.5 million people? Bajie had no choice but to jump down again.

The third time, the four of them took a plane to travel again, and there was another accident on the way.

At this time, Bajie said: Master, you don’t need to ask, I will dance by myself.

Then he jumped.

Tang Monk joined hands: Amitabha, there are four parachutes this time

Police and Rabbit

In order to test the strength of the police in the United States, Hong Kong and mainland China, The United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests to see who of the three police officers could find the rabbit first. Mission: Find the rabbit

The American police were in front of the first forest, and they spent half a day in a meeting. Formulate a combat plan, strictly divide work, and then send special forces to quickly enter the forest to conduct a blanket search. As a result, the meeting was delayed, the rabbit ran away, and the mission failed!!!!

Then it was the turn of the Hong Kong police. They sent More than a hundred people and dozens of police cars lined up outside the forest. The leader used a loudspeaker to shout: "Rabbit, Rabbit, you have been surrounded. Come out and surrender..." Half a day passed. , there was no movement. The Flying Tigers entered the forest and searched again, but no results were found. The mission failed!!!!

Finally, there were only four Chinese policemen. They played mahjong for a day first, and at dusk each of them took a baton. Within five minutes of entering the forest, I heard the screams of animals coming from the forest. A Chinese policeman came out smoking a cigarette and talking and laughing. Behind him was a bear with a bruised nose and face. The bear was dying and said: " Stop fighting, I am the rabbit..."