Jiuzhou Fangwen: I accompany my daughter through depression

“30 million Chinese children are trapped by depression.”

This is an article I saw on the Huxiu APP.

The article points out: Too many children are trapped by depression and attempt suicide. Children are out of control and families are in disorder.

Improper parenting style is the biggest cause of children’s psychological problems.

Patients with depression are inherently characterized by self-guilt and low self-esteem. They clearly need help, but they are unable to speak out because they are afraid of the public opinion around them, so they simply hide it until they are treated differently.

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As a mother of a child with depression, I still have lingering fears and dare not slack off in my words and deeds every day.

The girl’s depression probably started when she was looking for an internship in her sophomore year.

The university she attends ranks among the top 15 in the world, and her employment status is also ranked high. The school attaches great importance to students' internships.

When she was a freshman, some of her classmates had very beautiful resumes, and their chats were full of yearning for investment banks and the Big Four accounting firms. The girl was coerced and had the desire to rush to an investment bank, but looking at her resume, except for an internship as an IELTS teacher, it was very pale.

She often called us and cried while talking.

I asked her: "What are your classmates in China doing?"

"A lot of them go shopping, play games, and fall in love."

"Then Do many of your classmates in your school have part-time jobs or internships? ”

“Some are serving dishes and some are doing sales, but those jobs are not very helpful to my future. I want to do high-quality jobs. ”

“What are the advantages of those students who want you to go to the investment bank?”

“Their parents have resources and will introduce them to the bank as soon as the holidays come. Intern, or find an agency and pay for an internship. "

"You have no advantage in this regard. Your dad will not help you find connections, so you have to submit your resume yourself." /p>

"I applied and went for an interview. People thought I was young and my English was worse than others."

"Look, you actually found the gap yourself: You are a freshman, you have no one to help you, your English is poor, and you don’t want to do a physical job with no growth potential. If you have a high vision but limited conditions, you are simply making yourself uncomfortable by drinking other people’s chicken soup. , I went home during my freshman year and we went on a trip. In the past, when we went out to play, we packed a box of clothes and a box of books, playing for half a day and studying for half a day. This year, we let it go. After internship and work, you don’t even have time to play with us. ”

After struggling for half a school year, I finally entered my sophomore year.

Not long after her sophomore year, a senior took her to Prudential Insurance as an assistant to the general manager.

She cherishes this job very much. Located in a country with a latitude of 1 degree north, summer is always hot all year round. She often runs around in various units under the scorching sun to do errands. Whenever she has time, she sends her resume overseas and looks for internships during holidays in China.

Because of Prudential’s internship, I submitted hundreds of resumes and finally received more than ten offers, including many from Fortune 500 companies. But the feeling of receiving the rejection letter made her anxious again and again. It was not until she was confirmed to work at a well-known Internet company that she told us that she frequently went to find a job mentor and a psychologist in those months.

The employment instructor taught her how to make a resume, submit a resume, and interview.

The psychiatrist chatted with her, listened to her talk, comforted her, and solved her knot.

2019 was the year she worked hard to brush up on her resume. During the winter vacation, she went to follow the IPO of a leading securities company. Headhunters often approached her on LinkedIn. Ordinarily, she should breathe a sigh of relief, but life Another problem occurred.

She started to share a house with others during her junior year, but the head of the household had a quirk and couldn’t make any noise before ten o’clock in the morning, so she changed the habit of getting up early during her summer vacation and went back to it, even when she woke up. Whether you stay in your room or study with headphones, if there is class at eight o'clock, you will definitely make some noise, and the landlord will say something.

Of course there are many minor contradictions.

We video chat with her several times a week and talk to her a lot, but we obviously feel that she has become easily irritable and angry. Her father is also a firecracker, and he can do it at once. Every time after turning off the video, I have to comfort her on WeChat for a long time, stand in her perspective and complain about her father with her, and also remind her to communicate with the psychological teacher more.

Her father is a straight man and thinks she is pretentious or looking for excuses for herself and is unwilling to let go of her body easily, which inadvertently puts a lot of pressure on her.

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This year’s epidemic, the girl has also experienced a lot: she went back to school in early January and somehow escaped the domestic epidemic. She was very worried about us, video chatting and supervising several times a day. We take various protective measures.

Not long after, an epidemic broke out in her place, so we video-recorded her several times a day, wearing masks, washing hands frequently, and staying away from crowds. Unable to buy masks, she dared not go out, but she had to go to class. Several of her uncles searched for connections and found 50 high-priced masks from the Netherlands and sent them to her.

Later, the landlord painted her room without her consent, broke her computer, and left a pungent smell. The girl's protest was ineffective and she was kicked out. Fortunately, she made some preparations during the protest, looking for short-term rentals and sending emails to the school.

It was impossible to rent a house in a short period of time. Fortunately, she persevered and applied for a school dormitory. After she moved to a new house, she started talking to me and burst into tears, finally venting her grievances, helplessness, and anger.

Since then, I have learned that her depression has worsened. She was anxious at night, unable to sleep, and had drowsiness and dreaminess during the day. She did not dare to take the pills prescribed by the psychiatrist for fear of side effects and dependence.

In addition to listening to her talk and chatting with her, I also took every opportunity to affirm her, praise her, and talk to her about various plans to return home in two months (I had already bought my return ticket by then). A few days later, I received a message from Air China that the flight was canceled and we immediately rescheduled. A few days later, she said that the dormitory had been requisitioned and we had to move to another building.

It took me two days to move, but Air China informed me that the flight was canceled again. Now I can't stand it anymore. The epidemic there is getting more and more serious, and her depression is getting more and more serious. She lives on the 21st floor. What if she can't think about it anymore? I had to ask her uncle to also guide her. I called my brother's phone number and started crying without saying a word.

When I calmed down, I told her about the flight cancellation. She was unexpectedly stable. She immediately sent an email to the dormitory management office asking for an extension. I checked the air tickets again and found that they were all full-price tickets. She was reluctant and said to wait.

Due to the "Five Ones" rule, flights were reduced and air tickets were priced at one price per day. She canceled her summer internship in China and prepared to go home during the winter vacation.

The following days were very sad: the old people in the cafeteria were tired of eating the same food, and takeaways started at SGD 20, which was not delicious and could not be wasted; I wanted to find a local internship but I was blocked with all my strength; She sweats while sitting in a dormitory with no air conditioning and only fans; she often encounters people without masks in the small elevator; her mood seems to be more manic, the number of videos is getting less and less, and her WeChat replies are sparing no words, and her expressions I don’t like using the bag anymore; the KEEP check-in has stopped for many days, and I always say that life is too tiring and there is no hope. I've tried all my methods, but there's nothing I can do.

After staying up until late May, she suddenly told us happily that the school had informed them that they would have online classes next semester and she could go home. Fortunately, we grabbed tickets for three days later, even though the price was more than ten times the usual price.

I picked her up after the quarantine - a little fat person that I could hardly recognize. I held her and cried and laughed. Just go home safely and alive!

After she came back, she went to intern at a tens of billions of private equity funds. We made a plan with her: what she wanted to eat, where she wanted to play, her daily schedule, communication with a psychologist, etc. Accompany her to study in bookstores, libraries, cafes, and hotel lobbies just like she did in high school; arrange walking and exercise time every day; accompany her to see Chinese medicine doctors as planned...

Now Because of the epidemic, she took online classes at home for her senior year. In her spare time, she formed a team of 8 people and started a business.

My emotional management has also improved a lot. I can accept my body shape calmly and insist on exercising. I volunteer twice a week and actively help the depressed patients around me.

In recent years, depression has received more and more attention from people. Based on my actual experience, I have summarized several experiences:

1. Don’t hide the disease and avoid medical treatment. Encourage him to socialize more. Take the initiative to find a psychologist or a good friend with positive energy, and communicate with more people.

In this regard, the girl’s best friend’s mother did a particularly good job. Not only was she friends with her daughter, but she also took the initiative to contact her daughter’s good friends to ask for more help. The two girls have been good friends since they were young. Although they were far apart in college, the girl would definitely get together with her when she returned to China. This year, her best friend also suffered from depression and was seeing a doctor at Anding Hospital. Her mother specially found the girl and asked her to treat her daughter well.

2. Depressed patients do not need your sympathy, they only need your listening and affection, and your love for them must be just right. A 360-degree love without blind spots will suffocate them. As long as he feels that no matter what decision he makes, he will have the encouragement and support of his family, it is enough to give him enough courage.

3. If you have social anxiety, consciously take him to meet your acquaintances and broaden his social circle.

4. Don’t think that depression is hypocrisy or evading responsibility. Don’t judge him or belittle him at will, let alone attack him. Analyze a certain thing with him carefully and confirm that he is not responsible for it. Give your thoughts.

5. Actively forward relevant knowledge and articles within the family to achieve common understanding; inform relatives and friends in advance, do not comment on his shortcomings casually, ask him to do something intentionally or unintentionally, and thank him seriously afterwards, so that He has a sense of accomplishment.

Last year when we went back to my parents’ house, her uncle said she was a little fat and she cried all night. Even though her uncle later apologized to her, she couldn't let go. Later, I worked at both ends, and no one mentioned it when I returned this year. Her uncle asked her to help her cousin with his summer homework, and asked her to show him the world (because her cousin was in the second year of high school in the country, and because his parents were divorced, he was very unfriendly to his father). Every time his son was a little bit If he made progress, he would transfer money to the girl to express his gratitude.

During the days in her hometown, the girl played with her cousin every day, studied with him, reasoned with him, taught him how to talk to his girlfriend, and told him that he must respect his father and have a spirit of resistance. . The little boy became her super fan, and would always say, "My sister said that." Later, the relationship between father and son became much closer, and her uncle always praised her when everyone met, which made her very proud.

Depression is a very dangerous disease because it is so hidden that it is difficult for you and others to discover it. Depression is also a disease that lasts for a long time and is very tormenting, but depression is not that It's scary, but as long as patients and their families work together to fight against depression, they will be able to get out of depression and embrace happiness.

Jiuzhou Fangwen Contribution Area 2