The 4-year relationship between a female white-collar worker and my male boss

Wen/Yaqing

Narrator: Yang Xue

I have thought more than once that I have been with a man for 4 years, knowing that it is okay to continue to be together. Good result, there is more resentment than love, why do you continue to mess with him and can't break up?

In 2009, I moved five times for various reasons, including falling out of love, changing jobs, and finding a more affordable house. I wrote these details in my blog, and my boss who came to my office to pick up the drawings accidentally saw it.

He broke into my private life like this, and I felt like I was naked in front of him. He said that he has been looking at my life, the other side of me outside of work, when I cry alone after losing love, when I catch a cold and go to the hospital alone for injections, when I drink up a whole bottle of red wine while listening to Eason Chan's songs

He said that every woman living in Shanghai has tears of bitterness, but he happened to see my tears.

I asked him why he chose me, the least attractive person in the company, and he said that because you are safe, what you need most is a feeling of affection, and it doesn’t matter who it comes from. I asked him when it would end if we continued like this, and he said it would end if one person wanted to leave.

He knows that I can’t live without him. There are a lot of women like me in Shanghai who come from out of town: they are not tall, neither tall nor well-educated, they are not good, their looks and figure are not good, their personalities are a little autistic, and even if they have the desire to fall in love, they are not able to Matching objects. To have the blessing of such a man, just count it as a day.

In the company, he is a respected middle-level leader, and I am an insignificant pawn. His attitude towards me was much colder than that towards other employees, probably to avoid suspicion. We have never appeared outside in public, but we live together behind closed doors. I know he is with me because he is a normal man who needs a woman in his body.

He taught me a lot of things, how to make reports in the company, how to follow up on the monthly process, and what things I should pay attention to if I want to get promoted in the company. Who is whose confidant, who is the leader's spy, who plays the role of a marginalized person? He is so kind to me and pragmatic, I always cry secretly. I am becoming more and more like the Shanghai woman that many people imagine, living within her means for men, and trying to get real material things if she can't get married.

He once told me meaningfully that houses in Shanghai are so expensive. Before you meet a suitable marriage partner, you should devote all your energy to making money to afford a house and a family.

When he was on the phone with his wife, I would automatically go to the living room and put my phone on silent. I learned how to make his favorite Shanghainese dish, cucumber and shrimp. Watching him eat the food I cooked is the happiest thing for me.

Recently, he has been returning to Wuhan more and more often. The area code 027 of this city is the number that appears most frequently in his mobile phone, and there is a gentle voice behind it

Last year on National Day, the night before he went home to visit relatives, we went to the Huangpu River. At my feet is the Bund, which is full of the flavor of old Shanghai, and opposite is the modern Pudong. My mood is as full of differences as this scenery. We walked together in silence, walking from the Bund to Waibaidu Bridge, and then back to the Bund from Waibaidu Bridge. Choosing a shore with fewer pedestrians, I sat next to him, feeling the body temperature that was about to dissipate tomorrow, and burst into tears. He hugged me tightly, not allowing me to withdraw from my body and see his expression. Did he cry too? How much I want to see the man I have loved for 4 years shed a tear for me.

I have also thought about whether what I have been waiting for for these four years is for him to give me a marriage. Originally I thought it was, but now, I hope he is happy, and being able to fulfill his happiness is also my greatest happiness.

What is love? To me, love is drinking poisoned wine with a smile.