I'm tied up

I am a girl who has never been urged to get married, and only a few love experiences have been cut off by my biological father.

1, viewed.

I am a single-parent family. My parents divorced when I was less than one year old. In grandma's words, it is "your mother is heartless and doesn't want you"

Later, I gradually learned that my grandmother insisted on leaving me, saying that it would be a kind of dependence in the future. Perhaps it is this dependence that makes my dad completely tie me to his side.

When I was about four or five years old, my neighbor stopped by one day and whispered to my grandmother that she saw my mother guarding the house at the gate of the compound. Maybe she just wants to see me from a distance, to keep my grandmother awake and not let others take your granddaughter away. My grandmother wouldn't let me go out to play during that time. In fact, even if she saw me, she wouldn't go with her. It's a stranger to me.

I live in a circle where everyone seems to be monitoring. My family and neighbors are afraid of my sudden departure. Everyone seems to foresee the appearance of an old man dying alone. They all looked at me closely, in the name of kindness and love.

2. Cake

My strange mother finally came to see me, in the third grade of primary school. She told my teacher about me and left the birthday cake for me. I didn't know my birthday until that day. From that day on, I became an exception in my class. In an instant, everyone sympathized with me because I was a child without a mother. Grandma won't let me eat this cake after she took it home. She even cried and scolded for a long time. Some of them have no idea what she is saying. They only heard that my mother was unkind and wanted to take me away when I grew up. In fact, I didn't even see her face. The cake is there and the colored candles are so beautiful. Dad came back and found out. He just said, "What birthday, what birthday."

I didn't dare to eat that cake until one day I couldn't help secretly opening it. It had grown green hair. I found a piece with my hand, dug it out cleanly and put it in my mouth. In the musty smell, it is still sweet and slippery. I never ate such a birthday cake in the later days, and the cake was thrown away. I left those colored candles, and I can't bear to light them. This incident brought me a sentence: "you should be good to your father, you can't leave him." He is both a father and a mother. " This sentence is like a spell, which binds me tightly. From then on, I had an idea what it would be like if I followed my mother. It suddenly fell into my head and kept coming out to hit me, making me dizzy.

Step 3 run away from home

The arrival of adolescence is a bit rebellious. At that time, my father was laid off and going to school became a problem. Every time I ask for money, it's like going through customs. I had to be coaxed. During this time, the idea of following my mother almost prevailed, and I even wondered if I should go to her. Until one day, I ran away from home for money. After being crowded with classmates in the school dormitory all night, my father came to see me. The first sentence is: "I thought you went to find her."

In order to reduce the burden on my family, I worked after graduating from high school.

At first, I wanted to go to a big city, but my father didn't agree. My grandmother is gone, and there are only two of us at home. He just thought I could make money when I grew up, and my wings were hard to fly, so he called my relatives. I sat there like a judge. So I got a job and got mixed up. But in this way, he is still not satisfied. He went shopping with his colleagues and came back a little late from work. When I got home, he shook his face and said that I would accompany him home as soon as I got off work. Life is so tense and cautious. I won't tell him anything happy or unhappy at work. If I am happy, I will lose my heart. If I am unhappy, I can't get any understanding and comfort. The relationship between father and daughter became colder and colder, so I went home to my room. Even so, in my father's words, he is down to earth.

Later, I heard that my mother divorced her second husband. I want to go to her and ask her if she can get back together with my father so that she can become a family. I told my dad this idea, and he said I wanted to get rid of him. In short, I just want to leave this house and leave him. I felt depressed at that time, although I didn't know the word depressed existed at that time.

4. Objectives

Seeing that all my friends around me have their own partners, I especially want to find a partner, get married and get rid of my depressed environment. Now that I think about it, it's really a big mistake, because such an idea makes me want to die more than once.

The first boyfriend was introduced by a friend. After meeting, we just had a meal and watched a movie. It didn't take long for my dad to know that the nightmare began. First, my dad picks me up from work every day, and my colleagues are surprised. It's not a night shift, so I have to make a haha cover-up. In order to avoid conflicts, I sent a text message to that boy during that time, making him think that I had another boyfriend and avoiding him. This relationship, which was not romantic at first, broke up inexplicably, because it didn't take long and it wasn't very uncomfortable. It's just that my dad's behavior scares me.

5. Upgrade package

Later, I met a boy because of my work, and it was this relationship that made me thoroughly understand the reality. In order not to be as ignorant as the last paragraph, I gave the boys a vaccination. At that time, I felt that my father, like other fathers, was only afraid of losing his daughter. After dating for about half a year, we both think each other is nice and think it's time to meet our parents.

I greeted my father in advance, but he didn't say anything, and he couldn't tell whether he was happy or unhappy. That boy came to my house with something at the appointed time, and now the atmosphere is particularly embarrassing and cold. After the introduction, my dad snorted, and then there was nothing to say. The boy tried to have nothing to say and wanted to talk to him, but he ignored others. The boy couldn't find a reason to leave. I asked him why, what happened to this boy? He didn't talk, and I didn't know what to do, so I went back to my room and chatted with the boy on my mobile phone, trying to explain that I might get better gradually in the future. Later, I went to the boy's house and saw the normal family life. I felt very warm and thought that I would live well in my own home in the future. The idea didn't even arrive for a week, and I was severely slapped.

I don't know how my father found this boy's house. He went to someone else twice and began to talk about how hard he raised me. At first, the boy's parents didn't feel anything, just that they would treat him well when they went home. He didn't break us up like this. Later, he told his parents that I was not strict with men and women. I didn't go home after school and mixed with boys.

We separated and gave me reasons why his parents didn't agree. This time, I am very sad. I always thought his parents were very kind to me. Why did they suddenly disagree? About a month later, I overheard it from another friend, and it was my dad again. I'm stupid. Why?

Why did he say that about me? He's not my dad. Will I be like this in the future? Does everyone around me already know? What should I do?

I went home to see my dad and didn't want to talk. I remembered the phrase, "You should be good to your dad, you can't leave him. He is both a father and a mother. " It turns out that in order to tie me up, he can't go too far, because he treats me like a father and a mother, and then I think of death.

6.sleeping pills

Later, my mother learned about it, and that was the first time I officially met her. I just said to her, it doesn't matter, it may be fate, I admit it. She talked to my dad, too, and I didn't see any change.

As time passed, this matter weighed on my heart and became heavier and heavier. I retaliated by quitting my job, staying at home every day, eating when I am hungry, drinking when I am thirsty and watching TV when I wake up. You don't want me to stay at home with you every day, because you don't want me to find friends, so that's it. Until one day, I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. I wanted to write down the reasons for my suicide. I didn't expect to faint after swallowing the medicine, leaving nothing behind. When I woke up, I heard that I had been saved for two days.

When I wake up, my heart is colder and I can't get rid of it. It's really that sentence: "I can't leave him."

My mother came to see me. I couldn't even speak at that time. I saw that she was just crying. Later, I heard from the nurse that she and my dad were quarreling in the corridor. I heard my dad say, "If she's gone, I won't live."

Life has returned to the past, perhaps because of this incident, my father seems to have changed a little. And I, after all this, feel my heart is like a piece of ice, which can't be melted. The sentence in my head that you always jump out and pound me seems to be gone, and it may be frozen.

I don't know what a family like me is like. No domestic violence, no conflict, and no love and warmth. Life is really hard, there is nothing to complain about. This is life.