Seriously talk about the word "safety"

The second article in the serious series.

The basic terms involved in this paper are as follows. You can read the corresponding popular science first.

BDSM: Talk about BDSM seriously.

Master: I order you to abuse me now! " 》

Drop: After caring, an S/Dom rescue plan of "adjusting to sleep"

Do you know the security password?

Speaking of the safe words of BDSM, everyone who knows BDSM knows that it is used to protect the abused party. Conceptually speaking, safe words refer to a series of codes or other signals used to convey physical or emotional state, which are usually used when M/sub feels close to the limit, thus terminating BDSM activities.

Everyone knows the importance of safe words, because superiors often ignore or even misunderstand the signals of subordinates, so safe words are the last straw to protect subordinates from going too far because of the will of superiors.

For example, when Han Meimei went home for the Spring Festival, her mother cooked a good dish. If she simply says "I'm full" to try to escape from the table, it is likely that her mother will misunderstand that she is not full at all and just wants to lose weight and not eat well.

This may lead to her mother's rebellious mentality, and she directly got angry and poured rice into Han Meimei's mouth, and warned her, "Turtle daughter, stop running away! Eat to lose weight! This is my mother's love! " And really broke Han Meimei.

At this time, if Han Meimei and her mother agree on a safe word, she can shout it out, which shows that she is really full. Please stop loving me first. Thus, it can be seen how important safety words are to people with lower status in a power system.

But is the word security really that simple? Compared with the above sand sculpture example, this paper wants to talk about the problem of safe words from a more thorough angle, and discuss the nature, usage and dilemma of safe words.

The essence of safe words

We start with a story.

This is the self-experience shared by American porn writer SinclairSexsmith on his personal website. He said that he once met a girl named Sarah in a bar in new york.

They met and went to the hotel, and there were sparks all night. Sarah wanted Smith to kiss her neck, hoping that he would be rude, but Smith stopped and said, according to his past experience, "What should I confirm first before rude sex?"

Sarah was a little puzzled, then sat cross-legged and asked Smith, "If I say stop, will you stop?"

Smith said, "I will."

Sarah asked again, "If I speak slowly, will you be more gentle?"

Smith said, "Of course, absolutely."

"Then I don't need safe words, because if I say stop, you won't continue; We won't play games in a strange country. I mean, I like rough sex, but there is no deviation in our understanding of the word' no', do you understand? " Sarah solemnly told Smith.

From the above cases, we can find that there is no need for safe words. When normal sayno can be correctly understood as "stop", there is no need for safe words. In other words, the essence of safety language is not to solve the safety limit problem of BDSM, but to unify the understanding of "no" in intimate relationship.

The phenomenon of "voluntary disagreement"

So when will "no" not be understood as refusal? This involves a psychological concept called "consensual disagreement".

This concept has been mentioned before, and its definition is "one person pretends to do something to another person, and the other person pretends not to like it."

Take a detour, right? You agree or disagree, but human beings are such wonderful animals. The most typical "voluntary disagreement" is "rape fantasy". According to the Global Happiness Survey released by Durex, it is estimated that about 50% of adults have had "rape fantasies" at least once in their lives.

What is "rape fantasy"? For example, 48 and 47 are old couples, and life is getting more and more boring. 48 said to 47, let's go and play. Next time you slap in the face, you can be rude and strong. No matter how I resist and refuse, I still want to try this kind of "rape" happiness.

Number 47 said, oh? So you still have this hobby! All right, we have a deal. I won't stop next time you shout your voice out!

You see, this typical "rape fantasy" conforms to the concept of "voluntary disagreement". No.47 pretends to "rape" No.48, and No.48 pretends not to like it. In fact, both sides are acting, just to add interest.

In this case, "no" is no longer understood as "refusal".

No.47 rudely threw No.48 on the bed and sneered, "You can be at my mercy tonight!" No.48 cried like a pear caught in the rain and said, "No! Elegant butterfly! "

But number 48 is likely to say no, his heart is dark.

But at this time, a BUG appeared. If there is something really wrong with No.48' s physical and mental state in the process, how can he express the real "rejection"? If according to the previous agreement, any refusal will be interpreted as "voluntary disagreement" by No.47, and No.47 will not stop, which is quite dangerous.

At this time, the "safety word" came into being, which means that if I call that word, you really have to stop. The word "safety" is the last safety lock of the "voluntary disagreement" mentality.

Therefore, safe words are not a unique product of BDSM training, but appear as a patch of "voluntary disagreement" in intimate relationships. In fact, "safe words" can and should be set in any intimate relationship.

The use of safe vocabulary

The use of safe words is not limited to training, and can only be used when you feel that your body is about to reach its limit. When we return to its original meaning, we will find that you can use it whenever you want to break the hidden state of "voluntary disagreement" and express your "negation and rejection" clearly.

Give two examples:

The first is my own story. When I was in college, my partner was Wang Tiezhu. Once we went to an activity, and I wanted to tie another girl to the activity. Wang Tiezhu said it was okay, but it was tied up. When I tried to pour some emotions into the girl, such as hugging, Wang Tiezhu ran to me and shouted his own safety words.

At that time, we were not in TJ, and her body was not tied, but she still chose to shout safe words because my behavior made her psychological endurance to the limit.

Although Wang Tiezhu's usage embarrassed me at that time, I prefer to call it a textbook-level "example of safe words". At present, people usually only pay attention to the protection of physical limits, but they may also pay attention to the protection of psychology.

The second story comes from J.Violetta, a Dom who likes leather. When he joined the local leather community on the first day, an old man in the community told him that not only sub needs a safe word, but dom should also prepare a safe word. He couldn't understand it at the time. He thinks subordinates need safe words to deal with special situations, because his expression is often restricted. How could Dom who gave the order need them? But in order to obey the general rules, he decided his own safety word "indigo".

Then one day after TJ, he suddenly fell into a deep gap mood (similar to the occasional sudden depression after the snapshot). At that time, his sub was still around, so he told her that he wanted to stay alone for a few days and hoped that she could go home for a few days. Her sub understood this behavior as punishment and felt that she had made a mistake at TJ, so she cried and begged him to point out her mistake.

This extreme emotion aggravated violetta's falling symptoms. Out of desperation, he called out his own safe word-indigo for the first time, and then the two sides jumped out of the relationship to correct this misunderstanding.

To be honest, it was only some time ago that I realized for the first time that the S/Dom side also needed safe words. I recall that I have encountered similar situations before, always holding that "S is the party with the highest power, so it is the responsibility to absorb all negative energy in the relationship-'Is an S too weak to tell M?' "Such an extreme idea.

But in fact, S/Dom is also a human being, and ta also has the obligation to protect its psychological bottom line and safety. It is not a good thing to put pressure on the overall relationship, which may suddenly erupt. Our ultimate goal is to make the relationship better, isn't it?

Does ta feel sad when using safe words?

When using safe words, I find that many people have a question, especially M/Sub, and often think, "Will my Dom/S be sad when I use safe words?"

This idea is easy to understand. M people feel that they have finally practiced with S, saying that the word "safety" will terminate halfway, which will ruin S's interest, so they will endure not to say it again.

But from the bottom of my heart, S will prefer M who knows the safe words. Here's the logic. If S realizes that M doesn't want to say safety, it is equivalent to M putting all the responsibility for his body on S, and S will practice trembling and walk on thin ice, because he knows that you can't say it, so he can only observe each other's state by himself, and the observation may not be right. This is a very stressful and uncomfortable thing.

On the contrary, if S knows that M is responsible for himself, then ta will be more devoted and willing to explore, because once it reaches the limit, ta knows that her partner will remind ta, so ta doesn't need to be particularly worried. This is the difference between partner and M-sharing the responsibility with each other, rather than simply pushing the responsibility aside.

There is no shame in saying safe words. It just wants to stop all current behaviors, not all future behaviors. Talking about safety doesn't mean TJ is over forever. You can come back when you adjust your state.

Selection of safe words

So how do we choose safe words? The specific introduction has been written before, and you can refer to this article "The most embarrassing moment" and "I don't need safe words". ",the general principle is:

1: Don't choose the words "don't, refuse or get out", because it is too similar to the expression of "voluntary disagreement", which will make the other party confused whether you really don't want it or not. Try to choose words you don't usually use.

2. Don't choose words that are particularly difficult to remember, such as "800 pacesetter rushing north slope" and "3. 14 15926". In case you want to say, your head is short-circuited and you can't remember. Try to choose the words that come to mind at the first time.

3. Recommended "CNC" signal lamp system safety words: red means that it needs to be stopped immediately, yellow means that it is close to the limit, and green means that everything is normal. In addition to the passive party, the active party can also ask at any time, what color are you now?

Other unclear situations, such as blocked mouth and wearing a mouth ball, also need a "non-verbal signal" to represent safety words. It can be a gesture, but it also tests the attention of S/DOM. Ta must always pay attention to whether your hand sends out a safe word signal, which is also quite anti-human.

It is suggested that M/SUB should have something in his hand. If you need to say "safe", let it fall so that the other party can receive your signal clearly.

Misunderstanding of safety vocabulary

Finally, I want to talk about the difference between "voluntary disagreement" and "you say no, but your body is honest", which is also a misunderstanding that the safety word system often faces.

In our previous article about "sexual consent", we mentioned "yesmeansyes, elsemeansno." It is generally regarded as the basis of sexual permission in European and American legal systems.

That is to say, only my explicit consent is the real permission, and others are considered as refusal, including silence for you, your date, and even your physical reaction.

So does "voluntary disagreement" in sexual behavior violate this rule? Some equal rights people think that you obviously want it, but you have to say no, and you have to let others know that you don't want it. Isn't that a sin? You should be violated.

Or from another angle, can we have an evil thought? ta doesn't need sexual consent to a certain extent, and we can do whatever we want. Anyway, ta has the word security, and it will be said if it violates the bottom line of ta. Is that so?

Is the safe word system destroying the hard-won knowledge of "sexual permission"?

Looks like a bluff, right? Let's first look at the essential difference between "voluntary disagreement" and "you say no, but your body is honest".

"Voluntary disagreement" has preconditions, and it will only happen under the premise of discussion, understanding and consent by both parties. A let B interpret the "don't" of ta as "want" and let B do it. B can't interpret it to himself like this. If B subconsciously thinks that A's "don't" definitely represents T 'a's desire, then it has entered the misunderstanding that "you say no, but your body is honest".

We often hear the argument that "everything a woman says is the opposite" or "women love to say no, but they like it in their hearts", which is the logical cycle mentioned above.

This is not even a question of safety words, but a basic question of respect. To put it bluntly, even if your partner really speaks in the opposite direction, you have to ask ta's permission to understand it in the opposite direction. Otherwise, without communication as the basis, it is useless to be safe and can't guarantee anyone's safety.

Today, I seriously discussed all aspects of safe words with you, including their essential usage, how to set them up, and my own ideas. I hope everyone can pay attention to their own safety, especially psychological safety, in any intimate relationship. Please make good use of safe words. Training discomfort can be discussed, technical problems can be improved, but it is impossible to start again with safety problems.

If a person deliberately evades his responsibility, he will finally find that he just took a shortcut to face more serious consequences.

Professional tutor WeChat: xllx577 Reference:

beyond safe words:when sayingnoinbdsmintenough。 In general. Retrieved 22April20 16.

Sarosa. Agree or disagree: compare. James 50 ShadesofgreyandPauliner é agesstoryofo. Sex, 20 13, 16(8):864-879.

intro to consensual non-consent . the doublewith safe words