Traditional Culture Encyclopedia - Photography major - Can't criticize and praise children? Let's see how wise parents encourage their children with lateral thinking.

Can't criticize and praise children? Let's see how wise parents encourage their children with lateral thinking.

Adler, a famous psychologist, said: We can neither criticize nor praise the education of children.

At first glance, this view seems to be contrary to our traditional cognition and concept, because criticism and praise have been deeply rooted in our educational philosophy.

When I was young, we helped my mother take out the garbage. My mother boasted happily, "Oh, yes, it's great to help my mother with her work!" " We are happy to eat the candy given by our mother.

"Oh, how to wet the bed again? You are five years old. I told you to get up when you dream of going to the bathroom. Why not be vigilant? I'm tired enough. I can't give you a dime this week! "

Is this scene familiar? Almost all of us are criticized and praised by our parents and others.

In childhood, parents and elders are executors; When we go to school, the teacher becomes the judge who judges our behavior; After going to work, leaders at all levels began to dictate our work again, and their standards became assessment indicators.

We are influenced by the interpersonal relationships around us, far or near, as if we live to get recognition from others.

Well done and praised, we rejoice and are at a loss; We were criticized for not completing the task well. We are dejected and confident and feel as low as dust.

Because we are too eager to be recognized by others, gradually, we will live according to others' expectations.

I began to abandon my true self and live in other people's lives.

First of all, my daughter reminded me.

Last weekend, my daughter volunteered to cut potatoes. She wants to fry us a hot and sour one.

Because I once chopped her to pieces and then fired her, I'm glad she volunteered.

Half an hour later, she asked me to come and have a look.

It's really good. Much better than I expected.

"Ah girl, well cut, worthy of praise!"

I loudly praised her achievements.

"Mom, you should say' thank you'. Why do I feel that you have a condescending feeling? "

"hmm? How can I praise you so sincerely! "

"So if dad said it, would you still say it?"

"oh? Really, you should say' thank you' or' you helped me a lot'? "

Adler said: Behind "praise" is the relationship between superiors and subordinates and the vertical relationship.

The purpose of praising others is to "manipulate people who are not as good as themselves". There is neither gratitude nor respect in it.

My daughter's reminder gave me a chance to reflect, because we grew up with criticism and praise, and we also recognized this model. It is normal to be praised and affirmed for doing well and criticized and punished for not doing well.

Adler psychology opposes all "vertical relationships" and advocates that all interpersonal relationships are regarded as "horizontal relationships", that is, we are all equal people.

For example, when we talk to children, we'd better bend over or bend over, look them in the eyes, and then communicate with them in an adult way, instead of asking questions or giving orders condescendingly.

For another example, when we see beggars who are old, weak and sick in the street, they all have to bend down and put their money in the bowl in front of them.

Second, the relationship between vertical and horizontal

Adler said: If we want to live in harmony, we must treat each other as equals.

It is the basic principle of Adler's psychology to treat others with an equal attitude, instead of looking down on others, that is, to think in a horizontal relationship.

I have seen an experiment: two adults say the same thing, one mode is that one squats and raises his head, and the other looks down; Another mode is two people standing or squatting, talking head-on.

The result of the experiment is quite surprising. The object of squatting was very uncomfortable, saying that the feeling at that time was "humiliation."

Obviously, it's a harmless dialogue, just a different position. This is the feeling brought by the typical vertical relationship.

The subject said that he would never talk to children standing up again, and he would bend down slightly to communicate with people shorter than him.

This vertical relationship permeates our daily life, but it has not attracted enough attention and vigilance.

This also reminds me of an incident many years ago.

I have a good relationship with my deskmate. Her family has many children, short of materials and few snacks.

There are only two children in my family, and my relatives are all in the city, so I often have new things to share with her.

But slowly, she stopped my snacks and switched places with another classmate, claiming that she had poor eyesight and sat in the front seat.

I haven't understood why for many years. I guess my careless character offended her unconsciously.

I haven't contacted for decades, and I have forgotten this little thing for a long time.

But when I saw Adler's psychoanalysis, it suddenly jumped into my mind. Subconsciously, it never let me go.

Indeed, I kindly share snacks with her in a vertical attitude, that is, a downward attitude, or at best, charity.

The child is pure-hearted, thinking that you don't have it, I will give you some. You must be very happy to eat something you haven't eaten before.

Third, deal with interpersonal relationships with lateral thinking.

As parents, we don't need exams, but we must study. In the process of getting along with children, we often make some common-sense mistakes.

For example, parents want their children to "study hard", which is absolutely kind and serious, but the result is often not understood by children (especially adolescence), and they feel that parents are interfering and want to manipulate according to their own wishes.

So why does it have the opposite effect?

Because parents don't express their wishes in a horizontal way.

Adler psychology calls this kind of help based on horizontal relationship "encouragement".

As I mentioned earlier, my daughter asked me to say "thank you".

I praised her and she got what I thought she did well. In other words, judging whether her behavior is "good" or "bad" is judged by my standards.

If you want to be praised, you can only cater to other people's standards and hinder your freedom.

On the other hand, "thank you" is not an evaluation, but a more pure word of thanks.

When people hear words of thanks, they will know that they can contribute to others, and this recognition is even more gratifying.

My daughter doesn't have such deep feelings and analysis, but subconsciously feels that her efforts have not been affirmed. My mother didn't really thank her, but only commented on her work.

When I sincerely say "thank you" to my daughter, what she gets from it is respect and encouragement, as well as satisfaction and happiness after contributing to the family.

Then, when educating children, how should we wisely grasp the discretion?

For example, if a child helps with the dishes, parents can say "thank you, I'm really tired today" or "thank you, I'm worried about taking a rest before cleaning up!"

When children don't want to study and do all kinds of little tricks, we should keep calm, even if our hearts are in turmoil, we should communicate with Ta well and find out the true intention of Ta.

Do you want to stay with him, or is there something at school? Then if you find something better than before, take it out and praise it sincerely.

For example, your handwriting is bigger than before, so it looks clearer! Or there are fewer odds and ends in the pencil case, and it feels much more agile.

Every time I enter my daughter's room, I knock on the door and get permission to go in. When I approach her room, I will deliberately step up to let her know that someone is coming.

The advantage of treating her as an adult is that she will discuss something with you.

My parents didn't do this, so when I learned that my friend was treated like this by my parents, I was envious and eager to be unforgettable for life. I secretly made up my mind to get along with my children like this.

It is said that it is never too old to learn. Because I know my own shortcomings, I have the desire and space to correct them.

The thinking of horizontal relationship will lead us to better communicate with others, especially with disadvantaged children.

In the process of growing up, we have to experience the confusion and pain of being separated from our mother, and face the strange world, unsafe surroundings and incomprehensible emotions alone. Many things that adults think are not worth mentioning are big things in the eyes of children.

For example, when my daughter 10 is old, she still has to sleep with a tattered pillow towel, and she can't even let go of traveling. Then you should respect her emotions. When you want to wash, you have to ask her first. If she doesn't agree, don't force it. Never be sarcastic.

In addition, since children enter adolescence, they often have the urge to cry, and there is nothing to do, just want to vent. Then let her cry quietly, and when her mood is clear, she will be happy again.

We should respect children's different feelings and empathize with them. Everyone will have different experiences and feelings when growing up. Keep your distance, but keep your encouragement and love at your fingertips.

As parents, as long as the children know, no matter what, we will be the backers of TAs. We don't need to be too rational at home, and all our emotions will be accepted and respected.

Carol Dwek said: If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach them to love challenges, be interested in mistakes, enjoy hard work and keep learning. In this way, their children will not become slaves of praise.

This is the growth thinking mode, thinking that one's ability and intelligence can be continuously improved, and everything is inseparable from hard work.

We should encourage children to develop growth-oriented thinking, which is also a requirement for parents.

In the process of promoting growth, this attitude of embracing challenges and striving for progress will enable children to reach a higher and higher level of self-realization and form a virtuous circle of continuous learning and improvement.

In niebuhr's prayer, he said: God, please give me peace to accept what I cannot change; Give me the courage to change what I can; Give me wisdom to tell the difference between the two.

Children don't live to meet their parents' expectations. Teaching assistants are independent individuals and deserve respect and understanding.

The meaning of life will be decided by the Ta themselves.

Parents are role models and guides, but they are definitely not the controllers of their children.

I am Oman, and I like to tell emotional stories and share parenting experiences. Hey!