Monologues of patients with major depression: I lost myself.

Admitting that you have depression is actually a taboo topic. I don't want anyone to know, and I've been hiding it well. The reason for this is that people who have never really experienced depression and those who have no in-depth understanding of depression will have some misunderstandings and prejudices.

Before writing this article, I thought and thought, and finally decided to start writing. I didn't sell badly, and I didn't do a stunt for the article. You know, any fool would tear open his own scar to comfort others' pain.

I don't know how many readers will read this article in the end, but if someone who is also suffering from depression happens to read it, his heart may be slightly balanced and relieved: Oh, I am not alone.

Just like when I was most desperate, I accidentally saw an article and there was such a sentence that comforted me. He said: Depression is never because of weakness, but because I have been strong for too long.

Just like in the cold winter, I go to school in a hurry. At the gate of the shopping mall, a handsome man helped me to open the heavy curtains for me to enter.

Just like not long ago, on the subway, when passing a station, a man and a woman came up. The man's arm was injured and he was wrapped in thick gauze. They asked me, and I asked you to excuse me, and the woman sat down. At this moment, I finally got in a word. I stood up and motioned the gentleman to sit down. At first, the gentleman said no, but at last, when I insisted, I had to give up. "Thank you." Then sighed: "As a China person, I am proud."

Just like when I looked tired, a beautiful girl said to me seriously: You look so small! Is it twenty this year?

Although these are just trivial things, you may feel that they are not worth mentioning, but it is the trivial things in this world that are warm enough when you least expect them. Perhaps, I don't have much and I don't get much, but I want to help you in need to some extent with my own words.

When did I start to suffer from depression? About ten years. I won't go into details here about what makes me depressed, because many things can't be done overnight. After all, Rome was not built in a day.

I don't know why I didn't feel happy in the early years, and I didn't feel happy. At a young age, I seem to be weather-beaten and not interested in this world. Just like my mother said, "You look like this as soon as you get home. Who are you showing your face to? " ? It's like someone owes you1800 thousand. "

The only thing I can say is that my family is unhappy and depressed, just like a cage cast in the name of love, just like a prisoner for life. I can't see the way home. If my heart doesn't go home, I will wander around.

But what I need to say is that many things in this world are either black or white, right or wrong. It is not easy to be a parent, nor is it easy to be a child. We can't blame others for our mistakes and point the finger at others. No matter what role they play, first of all, they are an independent individual and a complete person. Everyone makes mistakes; If you are human, you will miss something. What's more, "people are not sages, to err is human."

I don't want to make excuses, but what is done is done. The water under the bridge, why not treat it lightly? Don't make it worse.

Of course, everything I say is within the scope of the law. If it exceeds the legal standard, it is another matter. After all, what happened in the world is not clear in a few words. But I hope you will be kind and have a bottom line to protect yourself. I believe there is still justice in this world. You won't wrong a good person for no reason, let alone a bad person.

Later, I was ill for a long time, and the hospital could not find out the reason. They said it was a psychological factor, and what they said was not wrong, but I was extremely depressed, because they seemed to draw a full stop for me to shield me from being unreasonable.

I gradually became silent and unhappy. In the first four years of grade one, Tianjiao girl, admired by many stars, fell into the mire from the clouds and suffered many unspeakable grievances, living like a bug every day. No one wants to be near me again, and no one wants to accompany me. I became withdrawn, autistic and inferior.

When a person suffers a certain degree of pain and can't escape, maybe the whole person will be numb. I am still silent, like a soulless puppet, like a walking corpse wandering in the world, anxious, afraid, uneasy and nervous every day.

When eating in the school cafeteria, I was so nervous that I couldn't put the rice in my mouth. When I was eating with my relatives and friends, my hands were shaking all the time, and the drinks in the cup could not reach my mouth. So, even if I haven't eaten enough, the former, I will say that the food in the canteen today is not to my taste; The latter, I will also lie that I can't eat any more.

At that time, my voice was very low because I was not confident. The more people talk about me, the more my parents scold me, the more I care. Instead of getting better, it backfired and my mouth was still smoking. The strings of the body are tense every day, and it is often difficult to breathe in class.

In fact, there are many things that parents see in their eyes. I have always wanted to ask: why do you turn a blind eye and turn a blind eye? Apart from disgust and scolding, does companionship and enlightenment not exist? Don't children who can't grow up and shine for themselves need warmth? It is false to say that there are no complaints in your heart, but when you have experienced vicissitudes, you can understand their omissions.

Just like beautiful, smart and lovely children are always more likable; Teachers like students who are excellent in study and all aspects; Company recruitment, definitely choose employees who are beneficial to the company's development; If a boy chooses a wife, it will be better if he is diligent, virtuous, beautiful, in good shape and has a high degree of education. If a girl chooses a husband, if she is handsome, tall and straight, has excellent personality, is capable and enterprising, of course, she has a house, a car and money, so it is good to be kind to you wholeheartedly; We always choose high-quality products when we go out to buy things. You won't spend the same price on a poor quality product, will you? After all, everyone loves beauty.

Sometimes I always wonder if one day we will all become very realistic and philistine. What kind of social reality makes us have to adapt to the society, have to put on our protective colors layer by layer, wear off our edges and corners, put away our spikes, and finally become "unrecognizable". Or is society like a vat, or is it like a forest, following the laws of the jungle. Natural selection, survival of the fittest has always existed, but we have always been "it is better to close your eyes and enjoy false happiness than to open your eyes to see the ugly reality." Perhaps, we can believe in fairy tales, but we should also see the reality clearly and try to turn life into fairy tales.

On the other hand, parents are eager to see their children succeed in life and their daughters succeed in life. If their children can't even reach the normal level, the greater the expectations, the greater the disappointment. At home all day, there are dangers everywhere, smoldering smoke everywhere, or drawn out the sword, or bullets, and everyone lives very depressed. Maybe parents should reflect, accept their children's individual differences, and then teach them in accordance with their aptitude. Don't always preach on your own time. You know, times have changed, you can't compare. Children should learn to "take the essence and discard the dross" and do what they can. Maybe you will know when you are a real mom and dad. I hope you won't make the same mistake, and the tragedy will repeat itself.

In fact, a lot of things are because there is too little communication between the two sides and they will not change their position. There are all kinds of things in the world, and it's hard to draw a conclusion. Who knows?

Fortunately, my grades have been fairly good. Basically, my academic performance and comprehensive performance are the first every year, and I have won various awards at the national, provincial, university and college levels, but I am not happy at all. Like, I'm just a ventilator. I'm just trying to live the life they want. Nobody cares about my thoughts and feelings. I tried to get rid of all this, but I was tied down.

Although I often participate in activities, assist teachers to send notices, talk and laugh with classmates and friends, and create works on the roof and the roof, which are collected and exhibited by the school, I still feel very depressed.

On the eve of graduation, the teacher said something to me. She said: What can you say? Because I feel that you share all the happiness with others, but you swallow all the bitterness and bad negative emotions and digest them yourself. You are afraid of causing trouble to others. This is good or bad. I'm a little worried that you will not be able to stand it one day. ...

Yes! You know, the strings of the body are stretched too tightly for too long, and one day they will be broken.

When I was a graduate student, I still dressed up and talked about Kan Kan, but my major was not my favorite. Stumbling along the way, taking many detours and hitting many south walls.

Perhaps, everything that can achieve you is enough to destroy you. Maybe it's because I've reached the limit and I'm at the end of my rope. I'm like a frightened rabbit, and any trouble is enough to break me down.

I never celebrate my birthday. Actually, it's not that I really don't want to, but that not everyone's birth is something to celebrate. However, I am very grateful to those who bought me cakes.

Sometimes if you suppress it for too long, the whole person will be extremely decadent. I can't find an outlet for my feelings. Everyone says that depressed people are kind people. Normal people vent their emotions to the outside world, while depressed people only attack themselves.

In the next three years, I got bulimia to fill the vacancy in my heart. If I don't satisfy myself, I will be restless, extremely irritable and almost crazy. If I satisfy myself, the guilt in my heart will kill me thousands of times like a year. I can't control myself at all. I can only use drugs and vomiting to keep fit. In severe cases, you should eat three or four times a day and induce vomiting three or four times. Every function of your body is slowly declining, and your weight is barely maintained at more than 100 kilograms.

I know this is not good, but my mind is out of control. Two years later, medicine was hard to buy, so I took tough measures to quit. I constantly adjust myself, change my diet and strengthen my exercise. There was a time when I collapsed in bed for a whole month because of the inflammation of my wisdom teeth caused by constant eating and food reflux, and the medicine stone could not be cured, which made me want to jump out of the window countless times. After the inflammation subsided, I went to the hospital to make an appointment with the attending doctor. The doctor looked at it and shook his head. "This child can really bear it!" Since then, after a period of repetition, my diet has gradually returned to normal.

Of course, many things can't be done overnight, and it's not as simple as mentioned above. As a girl who loves beauty, it is a little shameful to show such feelings. If you happen to have seen it, there is the same situation. I hope you can strictly control three meals a day and go to the gym to exercise more. Although you will be tired, bored and extremely insecure at first, you will gradually like it-when you are sweating, it is like venting all the toxins, polluted air and all the unhappiness in your body.

During that time, I felt that I could do nothing, nothing. I interviewed a yellow man. I don't want to do anything, I'm not interested in anything, and I have no motivation to do anything. I just want to lie down in bed every day, especially afraid of dawn, because it means the beginning of a new day, but the pain has not been reduced by half, just like an endless cycle, which will crush, trample and humiliate me repeatedly.

I especially hope that everyone can forget me, so that my life is my own and I don't have to worry so much. I wish I could stay awake. Over the years, not a day goes by that I don't want to leave. I know this is cruel. There are so many fragile and unfortunate lives in this world that they are eager to live. I'm in no hurry to leave! If you can live well, who doesn't want to? I slapped myself hard more than once.

Often insomnia, especially sleepy. I almost never go out except for class and school, trying to refuse all kinds of parties for various reasons. I shut myself in my room and lay in bed decadent, letting time pass. Everything outside seems to have nothing to do with me. I am like an abandoned child, helpless, sad and hysterical. It was a particularly gloomy time. ...

I don't like having people at home, and I don't like receiving friends. I am very exclusive and resistant to other people's practices. Only when I am alone can I feel a little safe. I'm afraid of others' sight, and I'm afraid of others remembering me. I feel that people around me are scolding me: "loser!" ""Doing nothing all day. " "Such a good education is really a waste. "So, I always buy a lot of things because I don't want to go out.

Later, I gradually became slow and unable to think. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing, and the whole person is in a state of detachment. My brain is completely out of my control. I don't think I can control it, but it is dominating me. To this end, I made many mistakes, produced many misunderstandings and received many criticisms. I have been silent, and I don't want to defend or argue. It's not that I don't want to, but that I can't.

Sometimes I will be very manic, and I can't help but want to throw things and destroy everything around me, but I have to endure it for my own cultivation, but that breath almost didn't suffocate me. I can't help it sometimes. I broke the cup; Broke the mouse and repaired it silently afterwards; After I smashed the keyboard, there was a piece missing from the side; I pushed all my favorite literary books to the ground. I can't wait to pick myself up and throw it to the left, to the right, and then to enjoy the perfect parabolic arc.

Even if I do nothing all day, I still feel extremely tired and depressed. I feel pain everywhere, whether it is joints, bones or muscles. The pain goes deep into the bone marrow. Although it is not unbearable, it is really painful.

I am immersed in my own pain. People outside can't get in, and people inside can't get out. I can't live like a normal person, let alone fall in love. The world in my eyes is gray. Although my eyes are not blind, I can't see anything. I feel very sorry for them. It should be very hard to like a girl who is dull, unconfident, ignorant and conceited like me!

In fact, I really hope to have a pair of strong and warm hands that can save me from fire and water, bring me back and keep me. However, not everyone can be so lucky.

Things are complicated, but I am haggard and helpless, and I don't want to be persistent. It is my sin to be born a man.

When on earth did I lose myself? ...

I once wanted to express myself and find someone to share it with. Of course, I won't tell anyone about my depression. But the result made me speechless:

"I really don't know if I can have the pressure like you, to have a degree, to look good and to have a figure?"

"Do you know that you are in a bad mood every time you answer the phone, which makes us all in a bad mood?"

"Cry, cry, have nothing to cry about. Such a big person. "

"Why do you think so much? I think you just have too much leisure in one day. "

"How many times have I told you? Why can't you listen? "

"Do you think you have tried to make some changes in the past few years? You didn't, you are like that from beginning to end, without any change ... "

The voice of the outside world, like handfuls of swords, pierced my heart and hit me in flight and rout. I can't refute it. ...

At that time, I felt pitiful, hateful and ridiculous, and my whole world completely collapsed.

"Yes, I'm still alive? Why didn't you jump more than ten years ago? Don't you want to? I don't want to support myself for so many years. Finally, I will draw water from the bamboo basket. If I let go, what is the previous effort? "

"Don't bring trouble to others. People like you have no way out. Give up! "

"No, don't give up, please don't give up. If you persist, you will always look back, always' another village', and always' peeling the clouds and seeing the moon'. "

Two diametrically opposed voices keep pounding my mind and tormenting me with grief. I wish I were dead.

So I have the habit of keeping diaries and records, and I can say what I dare not say or can't say. They are like a tree hole. I can speak freely without hesitation. No matter what I look like and how depressed I am, it is willing to tolerate me and accept me.

My life has been cursed since I was a child. Without a happy childhood and beautiful youth, I always feel that I am old before I enjoy it. I hope we can all grow stronger and stronger, grow like weeds, fly like kites and shine like the sun. Let time fly and spend the rest of your life gracefully.

In his Centennial Speech, Mr. Jiang Yang said: In this materialistic world, it is really difficult to be a man. In that case, why not let yourself go? Live every day as if it were your last. Eat well, sleep well, study hard, work hard and live well.

Some people say that failure is not a shameful thing. Most of us are born to fail. Don't care what others think, because you live for yourself, not for others. As for those nasty bitches' mouths, why bother? It's just that they ate too much and were at a loss.

Do something enjoyable, such as writing, painting, photography, cooking food, or invite friends to have a picnic, climb mountains and travel together. If you really don't want to do anything, just have a good cry, have a good rest, and slowly change yourself little by little, so that "the accumulation of soil makes mountains, and the water drops make oceans." You know, "You can't take Wan Li Road unless you step forward. If you don't accumulate a small stream, you won't become a big one. "

In addition, strictly control three meals a day, have a reasonable diet and rest, keep exercising, keep a good mood, learn to accept yourself and learn to reconcile with yourself. You know, you are really great!

I want to find myself, because she is really kind, excellent, careful and beautiful. Unfortunately, I lost her. Do you know where she is? If you know, please tell me, because I really, really, really love her very much. ...

In fact, in the whole writing process, I dare not let go to write, on the one hand, because a lot of content is too dark, too negative, too negative; On the other hand, in the face of many things, even words seem helpless and pale. Because I have experienced it personally, it is not enough to describe it in a few words in the world of depressed patients, but please don't think it is so terrible and difficult. May all good people in the world be treated well. ...

About the author: A litchi girl who likes writing, drawing, singing and traveling. I like rainy days and hate poisoning the sun.