Two books teach you to avoid the trap of love and marriage.

There are two books that help me understand the real events around me: for example, because he refused to break up, the man stabbed the woman several times; Obedience before marriage, personal change or even beating after marriage; Less than a year after marriage, the mother-in-law made things difficult for her daughter-in-law, which led to her son's divorce; Neighbor's husband is fishing outside all day.

Two books, Why Family Hurts People and Why Love Hurts People, are psychological bestsellers written by Wu Zhihong, a senior psychological consultant. The author lists a large number of cases in the book, aiming at describing in detail all kinds of grotesque phenomena in China's family, marriage and godson.

Why do families hurt people can be divided into four parts: marriage and love relationship, parent-child relationship, academic problems in treating children and the summary of China's family. Among them, the marriage and love part is divided into: psychological motivation of love, control in intimate relationship, the root of the war between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and the way for husband and wife to get along.

"Why Love Hurts" originated from the marriage relationship part of "Why Family Hurts". In this book, more cases are provided to describe these four phenomena in marriage in detail. The book also provides more surprising and incredible cases: playboy, being a mistress, marrying a bad guy, asexual marriage, seven-year itch, Li Yang and Jin, and so on. These are revealed through psychological knowledge.

2. Love is the repetition of childhood.

The author has read these two books several times and found that these cases actually point to the second part of why families hurt people-parent-child relationship, the essence of which is the relationship between you and your parents.

Your relationship with your parents will have a series of great and far-reaching influences on you, beyond your cognition and imagination, including: self-formation, love, marriage, interpersonal relationship and even educating the next generation.

Love is a replica of parent-child relationship. It can be said that your relationship model with opposite sex parents determines your love and marriage model. The so-called "fate" can be summed up as an equation: fate = falling in love with "dad" or "mom".

We all have an "ideal parent" in our hearts, which is the optimization of realistic parents and our psychological motivation and goal of finding a lover. Everyone is eager to get love from "ideal parents" in order to "repeat the happiness of childhood and correct the misfortune of childhood"

People who have a happy childhood are willing to find someone with the same characteristics as their parents to relive the happiness of childhood; People who are unhappy in childhood are more likely to find people who look like their parents. By reforming them, they can fall in love with themselves and correct their childhood misfortunes.

If love and marriage are so simple, as long as they are simply paired, this kind of dog blood will not appear.

3. Childhood trauma

Love and marriage are like two people dancing in the dark. If they cooperate well, they can dance and have fun. Poor coordination means dancing alone, or even two people falling down.

The trauma from childhood is an invisible fate, which makes the two dancers stumble in intimacy and indifference, jump farther and farther, and even ruin their lives.

The so-called fate is the psychological compulsion to repeat. Childhood, learned to trust, will be repeated; If you learn to doubt, you will repeat it.

For example, a woman who specializes in being a third party did not handle the relationship with her father well when she was a child. She repeated her childhood competition with her mother by competing with married women again and again. When she won, she was tired of this relationship.

When there are problems in love and marriage, don't look for answers in others, but look at yourself to see if your behavior is dominated by childhood trauma.

There are mainly two kinds of childhood trauma, the sense of abandonment and the sense of being swallowed up, which are caused by the lack of mother's care in childhood and the excessive care of growing mothers. These two groups of trauma also caused the chase and escape in the relationship between men and women.

A. the sense of abandonment is the driving force for the pursuit of love.

If you don't get good attention and love from your mother in childhood, you will feel abandoned; Longing for the love of the opposite sex to make up for the inner hole; Will be particularly dependent on each other's love.

They usually take the initiative to give all their love in order to get the same love. Once the other party fails to do it, it will bring them great pain.

Girls often say: "If he treats me better, I will feel like I am in heaven;" If he treats me badly, I feel I am in hell. " So they are desperately good to the man and can't stand his slightest neglect.

Boys often say, "I can do anything for her." She is my life and I can't lose her. " So he must firmly control his girlfriend and not let her leave.

There is a man and a woman who are very kind to you and treat you as the world. Please don't be complacent, because they have no self, they will depend on your love to survive and will slowly devour your whole world. When you feel sick and want to stay away, you will be in great trouble.

Aunt's daughter upstairs, admitted to the civil service, wants to break up with her ex-boyfriend. Although her actions had some influence, this was not the reason why her boyfriend later pestered and stabbed her several times. He mainly relies too much on his girlfriend's love and can't stand her leaving. In the end, love breeds hatred and revenge.

The daughter of a distant relative, whose boyfriend was obedient to her before marriage, became a different person after marriage, asking her to do this and that, and even hitting her. Girls can't accept it. She's divorced.

In this case, before marriage, he loved not her, but the "ideal parents" projected on her; After getting married, he found that the real her was not what she imagined, so he was critical and demanding by the standards of ideal parents. As for his beating, it was to transfer the abuse of childhood to her.

B. the feeling of being swallowed up is the driving force to escape from love

During the growth period, the mother is too caring and does not give room for growth, which will cause a sense of being swallowed up; Longing for independence and having your own space; Afraid of his wife's intimacy and excessive dependence, he even went out to find a third party and seek freedom.

A man with engulfing trauma enjoys his wife's love after marriage, but he is also afraid of his wife's intimacy and dependence, which will make him afraid-to experience the engulfed love again and escape.

Health escape: it is easy for men to have one or two hobbies, and they are very enthusiastic and immersed in them, such as games, photography, fishing and so on.

Unhealthy escape means that men go out to find a third party, or even a fourth person, and enjoy the freedom of choice.

For example, the neighbor's husband, who fled because of his crazy love for fishing, stayed away from his hometown whenever he had the opportunity to go fishing by the river, sometimes fishing for a day and a night. Although the wife is full of resentment, she is helpless.

Men are keen on hobbies, and it is he who sends you the message "You are too clingy, I want space". We should respect his feelings and give him an independent space.

Mature women have their own hobbies and know how to give both sides some space, so that they will not rely too much on each other and give both sides room to grow. This is a win-win situation.

A mother who can't get emotional satisfaction from her father will pin her feelings on her son. The son tried to be independent through marriage, but the mother could not bear the emotional separation from her son and instinctively competed with her daughter-in-law for her son's love, which was the root cause of the war between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

That's why a friend divorced after eight months of marriage. After marriage, her mother-in-law is picky in every way, and her husband dare not disobey and protect her. Life was unbearable, and she simply divorced.

5.

No one deserves to be relied on and worshipped, blindly taking and paying in an attempt to fill the hole of inner love, and finally can only walk into various "traps" in intimate relationships; Many people keep falling in the same place under the drive of inner pain.

Fortunately, personality can change, and fate can also change. Hold the fate by the throat and start by knowing yourself.

So to talk about a beautiful love, it is better to make yourself beautiful first; A healthy marriage not only begins with love, but also needs your sincere management.

Only by truly loving yourself and knowing how to respect the feelings of yourself and each other can we get healthy love and marriage.

After reading these two books, I believe you will have a wide understanding of your life, love and marriage, which will help you avoid dog blood in marriage and love, and it is also the beginning of your better life.