Joke, the more you give, the better

Funny quotes from teachers and students, haha, so funny

1. Difference

In biology class, the teacher asked: What is the difference between a frog and a toad?

Zhang San replied: The frog is a conservative, sitting in a well and looking at the sky; while the toad is a reformist, wanting to eat swan meat.

2. Share the pain

The teacher asked the students: How to explain "Sharing the pain with others will reduce the pain by half?"

Xiao Lun replied: "If my father beats me, I will beat his cat."

3. Appearance

The teacher assigned a question: Please summarize your appearance in four words. After the papers were collected, the students' answers were divided into several categories:

The answers from the critical school included: occasionally correct, terrible, I hate the sky, I want to live in the next life, etc.

Answers of the realist school include: amphibians, orangutans, ape piracy, atavism, etc.

Modern ones include: Wonderful Works, Ask My Wife, etc.

And the only Surrealist answer is-it turns out to be human beings.

4. The principal is even darker

New students are reviewed by the principal when they enter military training.

"Hello, students!"

"Hello, Principal!"

"Good work, students!"

"Serving the people !”

“My classmates are tanned!”

The freshmen were speechless and didn’t know how to answer. After a moment of silence, a boy replied loudly: "The principal is even darker!"

5. Sentence conversion

Teacher: "Please convert the sentence 'The horse ran away' into Interrogative sentence."

Little Ivan: "Can the horse run?"

Teacher: "Correct! Now convert it into an imperative sentence."

6. Untitled

My roommate is short-sighted and often occupies the first row of seats. He also suffers from the fact that the math teacher in high school spits foam when he speaks, making it difficult to resist. . One day she said to me: When the advanced mathematics teacher lowers his head to teach, the first row of tables are all wet; when the advanced mathematics teacher raises his head to teach, the tables in the second row are all wet. I fainted on the spot.

7. Political prisoners

The head teacher, Teacher Zhang, walked into the classroom angrily and said sternly: "You call me Chinese Zhang, I can't stand it; the new political teacher, Teacher Fan, Why do you call her a political prisoner (Fan)?"

8. Different interpretations of the dormitory

Xiao Lei took a high school classmate who came to see him to visit the university dormitory, and he pointed to the road. The group of dormitories on the left said: "This is the girls' dormitory area, called the Vega Galaxy." Pointing to the group of dormitories on the right side of the road, he said: "That is the boys' dormitory area, called the Cowherd Galaxy." Then he pointed to the road under his feet and said: " This road is called Galaxy Road."

At this time, the female cadre in charge of the student dormitory passed by with an expressionless face, and Xiaolei said quietly: "This is the Queen Mother."

9. Wall clock

There is a classroom in the university. There is something wrong with the wall clock inside. As long as it is knocked by something, it will run faster and faster. If it is hit once, it will go faster by 5 minutes.

One day when the professor was in class, he found that his classmates were throwing erasers at the wall clock while he was writing on the blackboard. However, the professor kept silent and still rang the bell to start and finish class. Not long after, the final exam came and everyone was immersed in the exam. They saw the professor holding a blackboard eraser and practicing clock throwing.

10. Change the world

The geography teacher asked Lian Ni: Why didn’t he complete the world map drawing assignment?

Lian Ni lowered his head and answered cautiously: I'm afraid that the map I drew will change the world.

13. Isn’t it difficult?

A professor said to a precocious little boy: “When is your birthday?”

Answer : "April 8"

The professor said: "Which year."

Answer: "Every year."

14. Insurance measures< /p>

The chemistry experiment has just been handed out, and the students are scrambling to read the teacher’s comments. Just listen to A pick up B's and read: "When concentrated sulfuric acid drips on the skin, you should first dry it with a cloth, then rinse with a lot of water, then dry it with a cloth, then spray some perfume, and then apply a layer of corn oil skin care ointment."

The teacher instructed: "Do you want a sauna or a massage?"

15. Take notes

For the CET-4 test. , everyone hurriedly studied English hard, and some notes had to be taken in other professional classes.

One day, the history teacher was surprised to find that Sheng Sheng was very busy in the audience, so he walked down from the podium and quietly went to check on him.

The student was busy for a while and felt that the atmosphere was not right. He looked up and saw the teacher smiling and saying to him: "Do you think you can remember it faster when taking notes in English than in Chinese?"

16. Third Grade

After the exam, the three classmates complained together.

A said: "I didn't do well in the Chinese language class, and the teacher said I was a waste."

B said: "I couldn't keep up in the physical education class, and the teacher said I was a waste. ."

C said: "I failed the political class, the teacher said I was a dangerous material."

17. Wonderful explanation

In a Chinese class, The teacher explained to the students four idioms: "frightened," "unintelligible," "relieved," and "as always."

Coincidentally, a certain student was fast asleep. As soon as the professor banged the table, the student sat up immediately, picked up the book and started reading. The teacher said, "This is panic." Then, the teacher asked him to answer the question, and he stood up and hesitated for a long time. At this time, the teacher said: "This is unintelligible. Please sit down!" The classmate let out a long sigh of relief and sat down. The teacher said again: "This is such a relief." When the teacher came to the podium, the student lay down to sleep again. The teacher suddenly turned around, pointed at him and said: "This is just the same as always."

Topic: 18. Homework

After class, the teacher said to Ivan: "Let your grandpa Come to school." Ivan asked the teacher: "Teacher, don't you need to ask my father to come?"

Teacher: "No, Ivan, just ask your grandpa to come. I want to tell him. , His son did some questions wrong in your homework."

19. Count to one hundred before going to class. The teacher stood with his back to the stove and said to the students: "Think twice before speaking, count to at least fifty, and count to a hundred for important things."

61. A boy gave a speech to a classmate The friend student nicknamed him "Fat Pig". The girl cried to the teacher and the teacher agreed to criticize the boy. The next day the teacher said to the class: "A certain boy is too rude. He gives other people nicknames casually. He can't be like others." Just call it what?”

62. A police dog saw an ordinary dog ??coming on the road, and ran to it fiercely and asked: I am a police dog, what are you? Ordinary dogs would look at it with disdain and say: Idiot, look clearly, I am in plain clothes!

The Seven Fairies were bathing in the lake, but Bajie was too anxious to see them.

Tang Monk shouted seriously to the lake: Donor, be careful of the crocodiles!

The seven fairies flew ashore naked.

Bajie lamented: The leader’s IQ cannot be surpassed

Tang Monk and four others took a plane to travel. The plane crashed on the way, but there were only three parachutes.

So, Tang Seng said, everyone should answer the questions, and those who can’t answer will jump down.

Tang Monk: Wukong, how many suns are there in the sky?

Wukong: One.

Tang Seng: I’ll give you one.

Tang Monk: Sha Monk, how many moons are there in the sky?

Sha Seng: One.

Tang Seng: I’ll give you one too.

Bajie on the side was happy, such a simple question.

Tang’s Monk: Bajie, how many stars are there in the sky?

． ． ． ．

Bajie jumped down.

Not long after, the four of them took a plane to travel again. It crashed again on the way and still only had three parachutes.

They continued to answer questions.

Tang Monk: Wukong, when was the People’s Republic of China established?

Wukong: 1949.

Tang Seng: Give you a handful.

Tang Seng: Sha Seng, how many people died in the liberation war?

Sha Seng: 2.5 million people.

Tang Seng: I’ll give you one too.

Tang Monk: Bajie, what are the names of those 2.5 million people?

......Bajie jumped down by himself again.

The third time, the four of them took a plane to travel again, and there was another accident on the way.

At this time, Bajie said: Master, you don’t need to ask, I will dance by myself.

Then he jumped.

Tang Monk put his hands together: Amitabha, there are four parachutes this time

1. One night, a naked man hailed a taxi, and the female driver stared at him intently. The man was furious and shouted: You have never seen a fucking naked man! The female driver was also furious: Let me see where you got the money from!

2. Male and female friends sleep in the same room, and the woman draws a line: those who cross the line are animals. When she woke up and found that the man had really failed to pass the line, the woman slapped the man hard: You are worse than a beast!

3. One day, Liu Hongtao met a foreign guest and approached him and said: I am Hong Tao Liu. The foreign guest said: I am still the Seven of Diamonds!

4. Zai Zai was repaired by his father. He ran to his mother to complain: "Mom, what will you do if someone hits your son?" Mom: "I will beat his son to take revenge!" Zai Zai: "... ..."

5. An old lady is illiterate, but likes to listen to the radio. She must listen to the weather forecast every day. One day I asked my family during dinner: "I have a question. Do you know where the local area is? It rains almost every day."

6. A little mouse on the cliff waved a short The mother bat next to her jumped down again and again with her front paws, trying to learn to fly. The female bat next to her looked at it and her head was bruised and bloody, and she said worriedly: Its father, if you don’t tell it, it is not our biological child!

7. I went to Mount Taishan with my friends to watch the sunrise. A friend pointed at the sky and said, "I saw it!" "I saw it too!" At this time, someone from a distance came out with his pants lifted and cursed: "When you see it, you see it! What are you shouting about!"

1. Ghost: God, next time I am reincarnated, I want to be as white as an angel and have a pair of wings, but I still want to suck blood.

God: Then reincarnate yourself as Hushu Bao.

2. A friend was selling popsicles in the park during his first work-study program, and he was too embarrassed to shout. Suddenly, someone shouted: "Selling popsicles~~~~Selling popsicles~~". When the friend heard this, he felt happy and shouted: "Me too~~~~Me too~~~~".

3. Not long after the ant and the elephant got married, the elephant died. The ant cried bitterly while burying the elephant: "My dear, why did you go so early? I will bury you if I don't do anything else in my life!"

4. A boy has a crush on a girl and he mustered up the courage to ask the girl what kind of boy she likes

The girl who is "compatible" answered, even after asking several times, she got the same answer

The boy said in frustration : "Is it okay to have a flat head?"

5． One day, I was out of breath and chasing the last bus. As I chased, I shouted: Master! Master, wait for me~

Suddenly a passenger poked his head out of the car window and said to me slowly: Wukong. Just stop chasing me

6. One day I was taking a biology test, and one of the questions was to guess the name of the bird by looking at its legs. A certain student really didn't understand and angrily tore up the paper and prepared to leave the examination room. The invigilator was very angry and asked him: "Which class are you in and what's your name?" A certain student lifted up his trouser legs and said: "Guess, you guess."

7. After the beautiful Mongolian actress finished her performance, the leader came to the stage to receive her. He took her hand and asked her for warmth. He refused to let go for a long time and asked kindly: What is your name? The actress replied excitedly, "Malegbi. Songshou"

8. A man bought a parrot that could only say two words, "Who?". One day, the owner was not at home, and a gas man knocked on the door.

Parrot: Who is it?

Answer: Gas changer

Turtle was bathing in the river and the toad saw it.

Turtle: Have you never seen a beauty like me? Your eyes are about to pop out.

Toad: Sister, please stop teasing me. Didn’t you see that I have goosebumps all over my body?

2. Huang Ying saw the weasel looking for food and said, "You are a thief who has been sneaking around all day long. You have brought shame on the old Huang family."

As soon as she finished speaking , the oriole was shot down, and the weasel cursed: "Silly X, you don't know that we are cracking down on pornography now!"

3. Dragonfly made a girlfriend "Cicada". Mother Dragonfly asked worriedly: What kind of job does she have?

Dragonfly: That’s a singer!

Dragonfly Mom: Singer? I used to be a tunnel digger!

4. An ant quarreled with a crow on the tree!

Ant: Come down if you have the guts!

Crow: Then come down if you have the guts Come up here!

Ant: Okay! Just wait for me, it will be nice for you!

Crow: What do you want?

Ant: I’ll do it right away Go and ask all my brothers to shake you down and throw you to death!

5. Two dung beetles discussed the welfare lottery. The dung beetle said: If I want to win the jackpot, I will use all the toilets within a 50-mile radius. Buy it and eat enough every day!

Dung Beetle B: You are so vulgar! If I win the jackpot, I will take care of a living person and eat fresh food every day!

6. The male butterfly sang to the female butterfly: "You are my lover, a woman like a rose!" After singing, he flew to pick roses.

There was a scream, and the female butterfly sang: "My dear, fly slowly, be careful of the roses with thorns in front of you!"

7. A pair of ducks came to the river While playing, I saw a couple of frogs hibernating in caves on the river bank. Duck: Look, how happy. Female duck to male duck: Don't look at it, he is the big boss, he lives in a villa and spends his honeymoon, we should never think about it in this life!

8. On the first day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river. He caught nothing and went home.

The next day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river again, but still didn’t catch anything and went home.

On the third day, as soon as the little white rabbit arrived at the river, a big fish jumped out of the river and shouted at the little white rabbit:

If you dare to use a carrot again, If you use it as bait, I will crush you to death!

(1) A village chief came home after drinking too much and entered the pig pen by mistake. He lay down next to the sow and said: Wife: Pour me a glass of water. The sow snorted and the village chief said, "No." If you don't fall down, why are you being coquettish? I touched it casually and said: I am buying a leather jacket, or a double-breasted one.

(2) The old couple went to take pictures, and the photographer asked: "Do you want metering, backlighting, or full light?" The uncle said shyly: "I don't care, can I leave it for your aunt?" A pair of underpants?”

(3) One day, a barber beat up a candied haws seller. When he went to the police station, the police asked the barber: Why did you beat the candied haws seller? The barber said: ***, I was perming my hair in the house, and he yelled "I'm perming it" outside.

(4) A man went to the toilet with constipation, and suddenly he saw a person rushing in, and it was stormy and rainy all of a sudden. Jiaojia said, "Brother, I really envy you for being so fast.

"What are you jealous of? I haven't even had time to take off my pants yet!" ”

(5) When a foreigner was traveling in Laiwu, he met an old lady playing with a cat. He came up and asked: What are you doing? The old lady replied: Ancient cat nuns! The foreigner was shocked, even the old man can speak foreign languages! Give a gift The old lady thought it was dried sweet potatoes and said: I have it in Laiwu!

(6) The butterfly said to the bee: You are so stingy, pretending to be sweet but reluctant to give it. Me, the bee said: Humph! Why don’t you send me a text message with two antennas on your head?

(7) {Come Together} A dung beetle is in love with a mosquito. : "What's your profession? Mosquito: "Nurse, the one who gives the injection, how about you?" The dung beetle laughed and said, "It's fate, my colleagues. I am a Chinese medicine practitioner." ”

(8) Husband: What time is it now? Wife: Ten o’clock, Husband: Is it sharp? Wife: It’s too early, no one else is sleeping! I asked, is it ten o’clock? Wife: It's around eleven o'clock.

(9) The young couple had a fight and threw a pillow downstairs. A beggar happened to be passing by. He was very happy, and then flew off a quilt. The beggar was ecstatic and wiped it. I cried upstairs: Brother upstairs, please throw that woman down too.

(10) Wife: Do you want to do some activities tonight? Husband: I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, wife. : Then don’t say you are tired after get off work, say you have no energy at night, and you can’t fool me. Husband: It’s necessary. Wife: Then wash all the clothes I changed in the evening.

(11) A young woman. I was taking out the garbage and accidentally slipped and fell into the garbage. Just as I was about to get up, I was hugged by an old man who was picking up rags. The old man said with emotion: People in the city just don't know how to live. If such a good wife says she doesn't want it, she won't.

(12) A person's big toe suddenly turned blue. The miracle doctor diagnosed it as cancer, so he removed it. Within a few days, the second toe also turned blue. After the removal, three days later, the entire sole of the foot turned blue and had to be enlarged. At the hospital, the final expert diagnosis was that the socks had faded.

A farmer drove a donkey into the city. The donkey ran a red light and was fined 10 yuan. The old farmer said to the donkey: "You think you are a military vehicle!" Dare to run through red lights. After walking a few steps, the donkey knocked over another fruit stall and paid 200 yuan in compensation. The old farmer was even more angry: "Do you think you are the industrial and commercial city management? You can knock down whoever's stall you want." "The old farmer led his donkey home and passed by a green grassland. The donkey gnawed the grass and was fined 30 yuan. The old farmer was very angry and cursed: "Do you think you are an inspection team going to the countryside? You can eat wherever you go!" The old farmer cursed After that, he took the donkey to the river to drink water, but the donkey became stubborn and refused to drink. The old farmer got angry and said, "You think you are a rich man, and you won't drink without a lady." "The donkey turned around and ran away. There was a fishing net hanging on the shore. The donkey broke it when it got on it. The fisherman claimed 500 yuan. The old farmer said with tears in his eyes, "Do you think this is China Telecom? It costs so much money to access the Internet. "The donkey turned around and kicked the old farmer. The old farmer cursed bitterly: "Do you think you are the leader of the group? You can kick whoever you want." "The donkey was so angry that he stopped paying attention to the old farmer and became very silent.

The old farmer said: "You think this is in a QQ group, and you can stay silent all day!