The moment we were alive, it was night before and after.

I sat on the green leather train and listened to music by the window. The train clanged along the tracks. I think it may be the slowest train in China, with more than a dozen stops. Although my journey is only about 100 km, it took me nearly three hours to reach my destination.

I forget when it started. I like to travel alone, with a backpack and some simple luggage. I booked a train ticket temporarily and hurried on my way. It seems that I have been running around all those years. From one place to another, I see, hear and think differently. The longest time by train is from Guangdong to Inner Mongolia, crossing the Yangtze River and the Yellow River, and passing through countless mountains and rivers on the way. I stayed on the train for nearly two days and nights, and when I got off the train, I felt very dizzy.

At that time, I didn't know where I got the courage, and I didn't have the slightest fear of all unknown life. I often write some unconstrained style words that have nothing to do with reality, pure and simple. It seems that I have experienced a lot of messy things in the past two years, and my writing has become more and more down-to-earth, and even I feel melodramatic after reading it.

I am not a poet or even a writer. At best, I am just an anxious reader. For a time, I was disorganized in my reading, and it was normal to stay up late, so my eyesight dropped sharply and I could no longer see the attractive girl coming right at me. Because some bad emotions can't be resolved, I feel extremely desperate about my young life. You may not imagine how busy everything around me was when I was fighting against the boundless darkness inside, but those things didn't attract my attention at all. At that time, happiness was theirs, and I only had sadness and depression.

Eat and drink with two good friends before the Spring Festival. When talking about the heavy topic of life, both of them lamented that things are impermanent and life is short. Although it was on the wine table, I wasn't talking about drunkenness. I said it was enough for me to live to 60. I came to this world just to taste the ups and downs of life, love, hate, cry and laugh, so that my life will be valuable. They all laughed at me for being naive. I throbbed Nietzsche's words, "You are just a speck in the hourglass". The absurdity of yesterday's life is highly similar to that of today. People's skin will age day by day, and the soul and body will spend a long night in a cycle.

I never consider myself an interesting person. Many times, I seem to be out of place in this world. Occasionally, I can see some interesting things in my life, but I just forget them at a glance. In fact, the interesting soul in this world is really one in a million, and you may never meet this one in your life. If you want to be vulgar, there are also advantages of vulgarity. Most people use mediocrity to cover up their inner desires, and I am no exception.

The moment we were alive, it was night before and after. This sentence comes from Fernandez Pessoa's Rose in the Garden of Attuoni. Some people didn't come out of that dirty night, such as my favorite poets Gu Cheng and Haizi, painter Van Gogh, and a young female artist Sun.

Three or four years ago in the autumn, a young female artist ended her life with a rope in her studio. Her name is Sun Shao Kun.

Sun, 1980 was born in Baoding, Hebei Province, and graduated from the Chinese Painting Department of the Central Academy of Fine Arts in 2005. After graduation, Sun's main creation changed from graphic painting to performance art, and his works participated in many art exhibitions at home and abroad. "The purpose of contemporary art is not to please the audience, but to arouse reflection." I don't know Sun very well, but her words still caused infinite sighs.

Although people's minds are open enough in this era, sex and body are still considered by many people to be vulgar and vulgar. There are different opinions about Sun's works, some people especially like it, and some people are extremely disgusted. Actually, if you think about it, all works of art are like this. What you know will naturally understand, and what you don't understand will never understand.

Sun's death may be the result of multiple factors, such as emotional and marital setbacks, economic difficulties and embarrassment. Her performance art was not understood by many people in China, which caused her to fall into a long-term predicament and depression. In the end, she chose an extreme way to end her relationship with the secular.

Han Bing is also a performance artist and photographer. He and Sun are partners and friends. After Sun's death, he wrote an article to mourn Sun, and denied the widespread depression, thinking that "her farewell was related to questioning life".

"I think there is a disguised' suicide philosophy' based on the ultimate questioning of life. Shao Kun is a smart girl who is good at positive thinking and self-awakening. If she shows confusion once in a while, she will get better. After marriage, she began to believe in Buddhism and looked down on many worldly things. Her departure was not caused by general emotional confusion and general loneliness. Shao Kun said that she pursues lofty spiritual social responsibility, but the lofty pursuit will inevitably produce an extreme spiritual loneliness in the secular world. She has understood what life is. Life is not only a secular body, but also an original life under the influence of spirit. Shao Kun is our Van Gogh, and her soul is still alive, not only in our hearts, but also in the more real eternal dimension of hyperspace. "

In this fickle real world, a poet or an artist committed suicide and died. People rarely remember some of their works before their death. Whether it is earthly love and hate or sex, most people can't see it thoroughly. The world of mortals is bustling with men and women, and sex is the most natural continuation. Just like many of Sun's works, it is not only about gender, but also about nature and environment, about the entanglement and perception of life, and about tradition and culture.

The same is true of life and death. Unfortunately, Van Gogh, Kawabata Yasunari, Hemingway, San Mao, Gu Cheng, Haizi and Sun all passed away. Of course, my interpretation of the deceased is half-baked and life is like a dream. These people may not be able to reconcile with life and themselves in this real world. The people of Sri Lanka have passed away, let them pursue everything they want safely in another world!

The artistic accomplishments of great poets, famous writers and artists are beyond the reach of ordinary people like me. They have their own realm of life and their own understanding of life, and we ordinary people can only live in peace with life slowly.

Those anxious fears in life will eventually become dull in ordinary years, perhaps because of habit or because of liberation.

When I thought about all this, the train was about to arrive at the station where I got off. There are many people coming and going on the train. Who can remember whose face?

Photograph: Sun