Appreciation of the Photographic Works of Roses with Thorns

Recently, a news about a blogger's suicide in Weibo worried me for a long time, and I believe many friends also know it. A photographer named "Lu Dawson" left a suicide note on the Weibo-"There is no need to erect a monument for him, just wish the roses bloom for him every year". The suicide note is 5000 words long. I have read it several times. I really feel sorry for this young life.

Lu Daosen left this world because he felt "no love, no money, no motivation to live, no future". Behind this problem, I think the main reasons for his suicide are: left-behind children, parents did not give enough love when growing up; School bullying, a young man living alone, did not feel the goodwill and warmth of society; Without liquidity, life was stressful, and the last straw crushed him.

His case, in my opinion, is a classic negative textbook about family education, which is worth learning by all parents.

Hi, I'm Lou Dawson.

This is the last time to introduce yourself like this.

Today is the day when I was born.

How can I introduce myself to you, rural children, left-behind children, mountain children, school bullying experience, photographer, youth living alone, dream catcher.

So, it seems that I have too many identities to tell you, and I want to say too much, but I don't know how to say it.

Let me start with my childhood.

From that moment on, I decided to go home, which was all I could do at the age of 9. Even though I am 25 years old, I still can't forget that feeling. I just can't finish my homework. What did I do wrong? This has also become a lifelong shadow in my heart. For my family, for my parents, I'm afraid it's also from here that I have the idea of staying away. My fear, my anxiety, don't I deserve to be loved? If the world only needs prodigies, should I be treated like this? Until now, I will still make excuses and hope my son will succeed. But in the final analysis, he played. It is easy to hurt a person, but difficult to cure one. As a left-behind child, I am still a child, and I still miss the people I love. Later, in this long time, I was accompanied by a long campus bullying.

When I was a child, I was very good and polite when I was studying, but after I went home to school, this courtesy seemed out of place. Boys should be naughty. Fighting can only be called a boy if it is dirty by the way. People who are too quiet are all women and should be called sissies. Facing the new environment and new groups, where should I be uneasy and how should I integrate into the new groups? Nobody cares. I dress normally and behave like a girl, just because I looked like a girl when I was young. You will be bullied and abused at school. Being pushed out, bullied, forced to kneel, threatened, blocked the road and refused to let you go, and a group of people bullied you. My family always says that I don't like to talk and say hello, but no one has ever thought about why a person becomes like this. I have had various nicknames since I was a child. Who should I say these insulting words to? Fake sister, fake girl, and bitch. You should say that the world is predatory. ....................................................................................................................................................................

Please stop school bullying.

I always think of the word vagrancy. Take care of yourself when you grow up. I didn't have a happy childhood. When I was a teenager, I always stayed at various relatives' houses. My relatives are also kind to me, but there is always a feeling of helplessness and suffering. Later, my family came back, and finally I didn't have to live under the fence, but I gained more harm. I hope parents understand that children should be born and raised in love, not quarreling. Children are also independent individuals, not tools to realize their dreams. They strongly control their own lives, force themselves to do things they don't want to do, and brutally instill their own ideas, which will only make them miserable. Don't do what you don't want to do, don't say what you don't want to say, and people who don't want to see can disappear and live in a loving environment forever. But there are always so many insincere, always forced to do a lot of things. When I was growing up, I was full of arguments. For money or other reasons, between them, between me and them, I can't remember a happy moment. Home is not a battlefield, but a place to express love. Under the skin I was given and accepted, how many scars and pains were buried, and everything I experienced in those years was always surging, drowning me and struggling me. In the name of love, no indium, no satire, no closure, no harm ... We exist in this world, and we will not be cared if we are not loved. I used to see the world full of stars, but now my feet are stuck in the mud and I can't move a step.

Why are you going home? Homeless, cosmopolitan.

Sorry, my life seems to have been escaping, because my wounds have not healed for several years, and the old and new injuries have made me miserable. I hate arguing, so I stay away from home or answer the phone and talk less, but it doesn't make me better. I also long for a bright, warm, loving and happy home. I never like to compare with others, even though, like most people, I watch other people's children grow up. Shouldn't children be unique to parents? Aren't all supposed to be the crystallization of love? Maybe. I am so rubbish, how can anyone love me? My ideal has not come true, and I am in rags. Looking back at my hometown for hundreds of miles, I have no reason to go back. Going back is just a burden. No one will love me. The phone will always say that there is no money at home. You didn't make any money this month. They always only care about money, fame and status. Nobody cares if you are happy or not. I feel a lot of pressure.

No love, no money, no motivation to live, no future.

The pain you suffered in the process of growing up is always like a thick fog spreading inadvertently. Repeatedly mentioned over and over again, hurt again and again. A controlling mother and an irresponsible father, if a person keeps telling you about someone's bad behavior and then tells you never to take it seriously and treat it normally, I wonder if this is a kind of mind control and brainwashing. I feel so uncomfortable and disgusting, and I don't want to bear this feeling. I think I'm almost schizophrenic, which is a kind of torture for me. Why doesn't anyone understand? If a person keeps telling you that you are poor, poor and poor, it's like telling you that you will never get out of this pit, even though you may have independent economic ability. My heart will still panic. I dare not tell my family even if I have no money, because I know I shouldn't spend money indiscriminately. I will say over and over again that my family has no money. No matter how difficult the situation is, I won't tell my family again. I don't want to increase the burden. I know the situation at home, but I hate this kind of talk even more. Every sentence makes me feel a lot of pressure, and spending a penny more is full of guilt. I remember when I was in junior high school, I looked at other people's 50 cents ice cream and envied it. There is no better choice but to admire the curtains. I remembered my 17 birthday, because I didn't have money and didn't even eat dinner ... Looking back on the past 25 years, I probably stumbled forward in the wind and rain. I was confused and forced to grow up.

Complex family relationships, in the name of being good to children, two people torture each other and don't divorce, and their respective temper behaviors are the biggest harm to children. I don't want to continue a "marriage story", let alone have children. How can a person like me love a child? Debate, compare, or hurt the next generation again? If children are born just to carry on the family line and keep up with the joneses, then the meaning is by no means love. When we know the world from the birth of a baby, I think it is full of love and warmth. I never thought it would be so heavy and sad, but it doesn't matter now. I always want to know what people live for. When they were young, they always compared with other people's children. When they grow up, they have to be urged to set up a family. It's like the process of growing up. No one cares about the significance of getting married and having children, and we are always required to obey. Sometimes it's good to be yourself.

Many things are expressed in pale and powerless words. Even if you have experienced it yourself, you may not know how I feel. Rome was not built in a day. During this time, the state is getting worse and worse. Maybe just after dinner, tears collapsed and flowed out, unable to control their emotions. I don't understand why every little thing has to come to me and the pressure has to be given to you. If the depression and pain are high, there is an undercurrent of heavy rain under the gentle surface, and perhaps no one understands why. Once I might want to blame something and change something, but I tried, and I couldn't change a person. Hate their strong desire for control, hate the violence of language, and hate doing a lot of things that hurt you for your own good. When I grow up, I understand that life is not easy, but who will heal my wounds and who will heal me? Some people say why I always feel that you are not confident enough. I feel inferior because I have lived in a blaming environment since I was a child. I just want a warm home and be loved, but why is it so difficult?

It's been 25 years, but only when I was a child, when I was on vacation, I could feel the warmth around my grandmother. I really miss it.

Grandma, I miss you so much.

I remember the stray cat I found in Nanjing on 19. I don't have a few hundred dollars on me. Spent a lot of money to take it for examination, and finally left weakly. It occurred to me just now that if I had more money, I would have it checked that night. Maybe it wouldn't have died so early. If I had more money, maybe I could do it better. The hospital doctor also said that it may be that the sick cat mother was too young to keep alive and abandoned it. I often think that our destinies are probably no different. It still hurts to think about it now. Maybe you are still unfit to live on this planet.

Looking back on the past, I found that everything was the same, but I still didn't get better. Loneliness seems to be the shadow that accompanies me, whether it is tempering or torture to experience all kinds of things.

Stranger, please remember that you are worthy of being loved!

People like me, but please love us more. We never lack the spirit and motivation to fight for a better life. We are never afraid of difficulties and obstacles, but we have no love.

Please love your children from now on.

It was not a straw that broke me, but countless grains of sand. Every step I take is like carrying a mountain on my back. The wound of growing up, the confusion of jumping into the sea of people after graduation, the anxiety brought by appearance, the dream of getting farther and farther away ... The most desperate thing is never to die, but to live soberly and restrained. Sober people are trying to live, and many times there is no way out. It's been four years since I graduated from college, and I've worked hard but achieved nothing. I feel a lot of pressure. I couldn't find my way in the mud, and no one told me what to do. In the face of various choices in life, I am lucky to be right, and I will bear the responsibility for the wrong one. After graduation, I can say that I have never had a complete moment of relaxation. It seems that I just keep working, running forward, staying up late, trying to stop, but there is no way, but the pressure and gains are increasing in the opposite direction. The body is getting fatter and fatter, the hair is losing more and more, and the accumulated emotions are also increasing. ...

The city of stars, but without my light.

May my blood flow forever to the place where roses wither, and those works that have been watered day and night, and I hope they will grow and bloom. I know that I am just an insignificant dust in the distant universe, and I will eventually be submerged in the desert of history, and maybe I will be forgotten in just one week without years.

I know I have no future, so I want to bloom with all my strength.

Probably because I long for love and want to be redeemed, I want to create a god, just like those people who walked alone in those years, so my subjects are myths, trusting God, or I want to create a kingdom full of love without pain and harm. Now, the art I'm fighting for is a joke. If I can earn more money from my works, I may be able to change my life, but I'm sorry, I didn't, and I can't. The art I pursued didn't give me back, and now I can't wait for it to give back. I'm sorry, I'm so tired, my childhood is not very happy, my family is always quarreling and poor, my career is in a slump, and my dreams are out of reach. Who can give me an answer? I can only hear my own echo, fear of the road ahead and fear of the future. I have tried my best not to cause trouble to others, but I still have to accept all the pressure. It seems that everyone is waiting for me to save, and I have made a lot of efforts, but in vain, I can't see the future and have no direction. I can't even save myself. Looking back on my life, I have been walking on the road, and I have reached the end of my rope, and there is no place to stop. The road ahead is long, and the back road is getting farther and farther. How should I face it? How many times does a person have to experience in his life to see the sunshine? Maybe my life is a tragedy, so let it end. Maybe this is life. I can't help but think of the little boy Fanka in Che Hefu's article in the primary school text. Maybe it's not easy to live.

Will the poor be poorer? Or am I just short of money? What am I insisting on?

Farewell, my broken dream, please remember that I ran to you with all my strength.

Maybe his heart has never been cured, and he has been walking in the cold night.

When I decided to stop here, I was black and blue in this journey of life. I think this is life. I can't think of a better way to get rid of it except death. Living is no longer a pleasure, but a burden. I am exhausted, and I have been reorganized and broken thousands of times. At first glance, I saw that the rotten wood was covered with damage. Without love, I can't learn to love, let alone heal myself with love. Death is not the end, but life is. I can't paralyze my feelings, and there is no place to dump those bad emotions. I can only see myself falling clearly, world, can you hear my cry? I thought time could cure everything, but I just saw myself floating in the long river, dragging my tired body and telling myself to stick to it. In the past, I always avoided talking about the past. I always felt that I could recall everything in this way, but the pain and life have been integrated and inseparable, and I will always remember it at some moment and then roll back. I have forgotten when I started writing this suicide note. After stopping for so many years, it always hurts me again and again, unable to resist and let it devour me. I revised this suicide note many times and wrote it intermittently for a long time. I wonder how I can write a good letter to express my short and long 25 years.

My death has nothing to do with anyone, and I don't want to blame others. The world needs more love, not hurt. I'm not crying that it's not easy or difficult for me. It's harder than me. I just want more people to know that love is always the most important thing. I've been trying to heal myself all these years, but this may be the case many times. The more you try to get rid of something, the less you can do it. Then choose to accept all the injuries. It's just that my heart is beyond repair, and I don't want to pretend that I'm okay and move on. I'm not okay at all. For so many years, I told myself to be strong and brave, but after all, it was not made of steel. Even if you don't have to face it when you grow up, the experience still becomes one nightmare after another. I was bullied, forced to get married, forced to work, forced to start a family, and had no private space. I can't remember how many times I woke up from a nightmare. I tried my best to escape from it, but I couldn't. This unhappiness seems to have started from high school. I'm so tired. I don't want to run away anymore. Let this be over. Come on, that's what I say to myself the most. Sorry, I thought I could finish all the remaining group works before the end, but I didn't. My state is getting worse and worse. I couldn't concentrate on my work because I suddenly fell down. My insomnia and anxiety have been firmly controlled, or I have slept all day. How long will this day be over? I don't want to pull myself like a broken machine. I'm sorry, I thought I could pay off all my debts due to photography before the end, but I didn't do it either. I was also condemned by my conscience. Living for so many years still costs a lot of money. Sorry, sorry.

I spent a little time this year, met my friends again and had my last meal. My friends, thank you for accompanying me in so many late nights and for listening to me again and again. My friend, in the last days of my life, I always recall the happy time together over and over again; Thank you, when I was shivering in the cold sea, thank you for lighting a spark to warm me up. I have nothing to repay.

I write so much just to give myself an explanation. I can't even save myself, let alone others. For 25 years, I gave my life back to the world. Life is pain, and death is happiness. If there is a past life, I don't want to be reborn and become a dust and a drop of rain. Better than being born in this world. I'm sorry

I have tried my best to take care of everything, packed all my luggage and sent it home. I don't want to bother anyone anymore. Maybe I'm just a tired praise. I'm sorry to have caused you trouble during the epidemic. I don't want anyone to come to me, and I don't want to be a piece of loess. Let me roam the world alone.

What a wonderful world, but I know you never belong to me.

Thank you for reading this suicide note and ending it.