The eyes flowed, but the poem was not completed in the end

Article/Yu Mo

1.

When I first met Lu Jiajin, it was the midsummer of my sophomore year in high school.

I vaguely remember that there was a faint fragrance of sweet osmanthus in the air that day. The fragrance was like a pair of gentle hands, inadvertently, against the wind, it quietly touched the tip of my nose, as if it were far away. I closed my eyes unknowingly, lost my mind, and fell into a deep reverie.

Suddenly a sentence rang in my ears: "Lin Yi, I heard there is a new classmate." The sudden voice from my deskmate shocked me, and my whole heart seemed to be suspended for a long time. land.

When I came to my senses, a black figure flashed in my peripheral vision. I looked up and saw an unfamiliar face.

My deskmate suppressed her excitement, touched my waist with her elbow, and muttered to me: "Look, new classmate, new classmate!"

He has simple and clean broken hair and wheat-colored skin. He has a nice smile, a shallow dimple at the corner of his mouth, two small white tiger teeth flickering, and a pair of dark eyes exuding a kind of confidence. Determined and fascinating, that was his purest appearance when I first met him.

I would not have thought that his and I's eyes would intersect in a hurry across the hustle and bustle of the classroom. For a moment, the eyes would flow, and everything would be silent, except for the faint fragrance of osmanthus in the air still drifting in the wind.

If the germination of a feeling starts from the contact of eyes, then from that moment on, this subtle feeling quietly planted a seed in my heart.

After that, the positions were changed. Lu Jiajin was arranged by the teacher to sit in Group 9, No. 4, by the north window, and I was in Group 3, No. 3, by the south window. During that time, I would always tilt my head in class, pretending to look at the blackboard, and then carefully glance at him. This was a bit like being a thief, but I couldn't help it.

In the beginning, he was very quiet and did not take the initiative to talk to others. Apart from sleeping, he read books every day and did not pay much attention in class. His grades were really worrying. But I also heard that he has been a sports student since junior high school.

He occasionally turned his head to look out the window. When he looked at the scenery from the north window, I would look at the scenery from the south window. The scenery facing the south window and the north window is completely different. The south window faces a row of lush magnolia grandiflora across the corridor, while the north window faces a low wall covered with lush ivy. When I looked out the south window, a strange thought came to me. Even I found it funny: "We will see the same sky."

It was not until October that the sun withdrew its sharpness and became brighter. It became softer, and the vicissitudes of the sweet-scented osmanthus petals were dyed rusty color in late autumn, and gradually died. At this time, my heart gradually calmed down.

2.

Summer and autumn pass quickly, and winter comes quietly. I thought that we would always be just two parallel lines that would never intersect, without any intersection, but what destiny writes often catches people off guard. When the teacher arranged the positions, he read out one after another: "Lin Yi, Lu Jiajin." I was so nervous that I forgot. I lost my breath, and the pen fell to the ground with a "pop" due to my trembling hands. I never thought that Lu Jiajin and I would become the front and back desk.

What was even more unexpected was that he would later join the student union and become the vice president, and I happened to be the president of the student union.

Some people’s brilliance cannot be covered up by the dust in the world. He will eventually shine. Perhaps from then on, his light will gradually be revealed.

It was inevitable that we would deal with school affairs together, and Lu Jiajin and I began to have contact.

One night he and I finished the work of the student union. On the way back to the classroom, Lu Jiajin was walking on my right. There is a saying that goes well: "I am most afraid of the sudden silence of the air." This is the case at this moment. , we all said nothing, and the atmosphere was a bit awkward.

I put my hands in my clothes bags, raised my head slightly and wanted to turn my head to see his expression. I planned to take the opportunity to find a few words to tease, but what I didn't expect was that he was also looking at me. As soon as I turned my head and looked directly into his eyes, like looking at a bright moon, the calm lake in my heart surged like never before in my life. I realized that I had lost all the ability to organize words, and there was a rush of heat on my face. I quickly lowered my head. The light was dim and he couldn't see my red face.

"You are very hardworking." He said a few words lightly.

I didn’t react at once: “Huh?”

He went on to say: “You have to draw, deal with student union affairs, and study at the same time. It’s actually quite tiring. "It was like a wound was opened bloody, and a sourness came up and blocked my throat. I couldn't speak for a long time.

No one has ever asked me if you are tired after such a long time. They always just say, "Lin Yi, you take chicken blood every day!" "Lin Yi, you are so awesome, I envy you so much." "Whether they were sarcastic or sincere compliments, I remained silent.

What they don’t know is that I don’t go to bed until 12:30 every day, and I drag my exhausted body out of bed at around 5 o’clock in the morning, just to squeeze out a little more time to do more brushes. Mathematics question; I am a slow learner of painting, and I often feel powerless when painting in the studio because I am not good at painting; the affairs of the student union are difficult to deal with, especially the discipline inspection. Some students will treat you as a fart no matter how many times you tell them, and they will even talk behind your back. I wanted to be slandered by them... But in the end, I just smiled to cover up all my tiredness.

When you can't explain it, you can only laugh it off. No one cares about how hard you work, most of them just see a beautiful result.

I urgently needed to change the subject. I was afraid that tears would fall, so I squeezed out a smile and said, "What about you, what do you want to do in the future." My voice turned out to be hoarse.

He looked at my face that was more bitter than bitter melon and frowned, but he understood it. He answered me: "Go to the United States to see Kobe."

I thought thoughtfully: "Oh...it's Kobe."

I came home from school that night and knew nothing about the NBA. I checked all the information about Kobe Bryant. The description about Kobe Bryant that impressed me the most: "The black mamba is the fastest and most aggressive killer among venomous snakes in the world. Once targeted and bitten by a black mamba, it can kill people quickly. He died within 30 to 60 minutes. In the Lakers' game against the Raptors in January 2006, Kobe scored a bloodthirsty 81 points. From then on, he became known as the "Black Mamba". The Black Mamba is the most poisonous. Snake, Kobe is the most venomous player. You must stay away from Kobe, a venomous snake. "Kobe is like a snake, he is sure of what he believes in and is very lethal. But I think of Lu Jiajin's eyes."

3.

I always practice calligraphy during my lunch break. The weather is so cold, the chill is creeping into my body, and my hands are red from the cold. Lu Jiajin moved a stool and sat next to me. He leaned over and looked at my handwriting, and said with a hint of disgust: "Lin Yi, you see your hands are shaking so much that your handwriting is crooked." His tone was a bit fierce.

"Can you stop being so fierce? I'll be scared." I looked at him and said seriously.

"I'm not being mean to you, it's just the way I speak."

I was speechless and confused.

He smiled brightly and his voice became gentle: "Lin Yi, although your writing is ugly, you are better than me. Please teach me how to practice calligraphy."

I was a little flattered. , but I didn’t even think about it, I just said with a smile in my eyes: "Okay."

Then I taught him to practice calligraphy every second night of self-study, and he wrote very seriously. I could see his beautiful profile, and I would think about how to outline his profile on the drawing paper to make it more perfect. Unknowingly, a smile spread at the corner of my mouth. But then I became a little panicked. Like a sober person, I cruelly drove away those few smiles, and then told myself in my heart: No, Lin Yi, you can't think like this.

?

But this feeling will eventually come, but I pretend not to understand the amorous feelings, letting it fall like red, and I am like running water.

One noon, I returned to the classroom after checking the discipline. When I saw Lu Jiajin sitting in my seat and lying on my desk, falling asleep, the last line of defense in my heart collapsed completely. At that moment, I realized that I was finished. The seed of affection that fell when I first met him had grown into a vine in my heart. Unable to suppress it, it gradually crazily wrapped around my whole heart.

That was the moment that I most want to keep in my memory. I really felt that it was worth spending my life in exchange for.

I don’t know how to like someone, but I know that all I can do is be good to him.

Lu Jiajin said that he likes to eat apples, so I personally went to the supermarket to select the apples he would eat every day, and then cut the apples at the right time and put them on his desk so that he could take them after he finished his physical training. Come and eat.

Or watching him play basketball with a group of people from the student union on the playground in the afternoon. I would stand quietly and watch him sweating profusely on the court. Every time he finished playing, I would run up and hand him water, and he would drink it. At this time, there would always be a strange sense of satisfaction in my heart.

He plays very hard and gets injured easily. When I see him get injured, it really makes me feel bad for a long time. But I always just silently buy the medicines he needs frequently and the snacks he likes to eat, and put them in his box together.

I knew he liked Kobe, so I went to buy Kobe’s books, and then pretended to be casual and said to him: “I happened to see Kobe’s book in the bookstore and bought it.”

< p> He took it and didn't say anything. He just kept looking at me, his eyes were as gentle as water, and there were dimples at the corners of his mouth that I wanted to keep.

There is a tacit understanding that you don’t say anything and I don’t say anything, but every moment the eyes turn, the most sincere monologue from the heart is poured out. I believe Lu Jiajin knows this monologue of mine.

4.

He always falls asleep in class. When he is asleep, I draw pigs on his hands. When he woke up and saw it, he was not angry, but slightly tired. He squinted and said, "Lin Yi, you are only three years old."

But I suppressed my laughter and pretended not to know anything. , and kept saying: "It's not me, it's really not me.

"

He could only watch me laugh helplessly, and silently wash away the pig I drew.

I still remember that night when Lu Jiajin accompanied me to publish the blackboard newspaper, After I left, I went to wash my brush, but he grabbed it and helped me wash it. The water was so cold that his hands were so cold, but he didn’t say a word.

What about the warmth afterwards? In the cold night, it really turned into ice.

One evening after school, I stayed to do my duty, but Lu Jiajin didn’t leave. He stood in the corridor outside the classroom, facing the setting sun. Suddenly I remembered a sentence: The sunset was intoxicating, and only a quiet figure remained. The picture became the most beautiful photo in my memory.

I walked next to him quietly. I cast my gaze far, far away. That place seemed so far away that I would never be able to reach it. I suddenly felt a little sad.

"Lin Yi, you should study hard and leave here. You will go away." Very far. "Lu Jiajin said suddenly sadly.

"Okay. "I always felt that something was about to happen, but I pretended to be calm.

I said: "Lu Jiajin, among so many cities, which one is your favorite? "

He thought for a while and said: "Changsha. ”

“Then will you take the exam there?” ”

“Let’s take a look at the lake. "He said.

He didn't know that just because Changsha was a place he liked, that place became my yearning; just because Huda was the university he wanted to go to, so that place became my yearning.

At this time, the sun had set, the night was getting darker, and the sky had plunged into endless darkness.

As a result, when I came back from studying the art that night, I saw that Lu Jiajin’s position was empty. The desks, chairs and people disappeared completely. I had never been so panicked. I asked others, and someone told me: "Lu Jiajin was transferred to the regular class because he couldn't stand the head teacher." "Fortunately, it's not a transfer. But I'm still very sad. I think that I won't be able to see his shining eyes when I look back in the future, and I feel empty.

I went back and opened QQ, and when I was talking to him Window, I said: "Lu Jiajin. "When I look for him, I never ask if he is there. I just type "Lu Jiajin" as if I am whispering his name.

"Yeah. "He replied to me.

I hesitated to type the next sentence, but I was like a swinging pendulum. I didn't know whether to press the send button, but I sent it anyway. I said: "Lu Jiajin , wherever you want to go in the future is fine, but can you tell me? "After sending this message, I felt like I was going crazy.

After a long time, he said: "Okay. ”

Before going to bed, we said good night to each other as always.

5.

Gradually we met less and less. I didn’t dare to go to him. About him Currently, apart from the fact that he takes the initiative to chat with me on QQ, the rest is mostly based on hearsay.

I heard that Lu Jiajin’s current deskmate is Zhang Luyan.

Who wouldn’t know him? Zhang Luyan has been chased by countless boys since she was in junior high school. Her beauty and confidence are innate, her fair skin and exquisite facial features are unforgettable. She is as proud as a noble white swan, and she will stop wherever she wants. They are all beautiful scenery.

Zhang Luyan and I used to be good friends, but later we lost contact because we were in different classes. After knowing her for so long, in my eyes, she is like a thorny red flower swaying in the world. Rose, beautiful and dangerous.

I even learned that their relationship was getting closer and closer, just like a couple.

When I went back, I stood in front of the mirror and looked at it. Among the ordinary-looking girls with dark skin, I instantly felt like I was sinking into the dust. I remembered what Zhang Ailing wrote on the back of the photo she gave to Hu Lancheng: "After meeting him, she became very low, down to the dust. But she was happy in her heart, and flowers bloomed from the dust. "

You see, I still tried my best to smile and said gently to the person in the mirror: "Lu Jiajin is not that kind of person. ”

They are not together. Yes, the one in his arms is not Zhang Luyan.

I don’t know why it is such a coincidence that after school that night, it just started to rain. I I didn’t have an umbrella, and I was used to not bothering others. Thinking that I was not far from home, I felt cruel and rushed into the rain. The cold winter rain hit my face like a knife, but no matter how painful it was, it didn’t hurt at the school gate. Seeing that scene made me feel even more distressed, it was a tearing pain.

I saw Lu Jiajin holding an umbrella, and a girl with long hair and a graceful figure leaning on him. In my arms. I stood in the rain, feeling that my whole body was numb from my scalp to my feet. I hugged myself and forgot about the cold.

But he suddenly turned his head and saw me, and for a moment he looked like. Being struck by lightning, he muttered: "Lin Yi. "The night was thick and the lights were dim. I couldn't see his eyes.

I just ran away. Fortunately for me, most of the others were in a hurry in the cold rainy night and never stopped for me. In this way, I at least Being able to protect my self-esteem. Suddenly I felt ridiculous. It was always my own business to like him.

We didn’t look for each other that night, and we lost each other’s words before going to bed. Good night.

I slept very uneasily, waking up intermittently. When I closed my eyes, I only had nightmares. When I opened my eyes, I saw only endless darkness, as if I was in a remote and desolate area, and that scene It kept replaying in my mind, so I simply wrapped myself in a quilt and sat in front of the window, put headphones in my ears, and watched the hazy night until the morning light faded.

6.

We were at an impasse, and I thought about him a lot, but I never said it. "If you think about it, there will be a response." I firmly believe in this sentence.

Until the Chinese New Year, I was playing poker with a few friends. The phone on the table suddenly lit up. I picked it up and took a look. I was in a panic. I hadn’t received his message for a long time. . It was Lu Jiajin who sent me "Happy New Year."

I just replied: "Have fun together."

"What are you doing?"

"Playing cards "

He said to me inexplicably: "If you win, I will be famous. If you lose, I will sing for you."

I continued to receive messages from him. The four songs sung a cappella are: "You at the same table" by Lao Lang, "In which autumn did we break up" by Hao Han, "What else do you want from me" by Joker Xue, and "Unfortunately No If" by JJ Lin.

I didn’t know that he sang so beautifully. I hid under the quilt and played one song after another in a loop. The hoarse voice moved me, and my thoughts that had been silent for a long time began to become chaotic. All in my mind were his smile and his moving eyes when I first met him.

When I heard him sing:?

It’s all my fault

Silent when I shouldn’t be silent

Weak when I should be brave

p>

If it weren’t for me

I misunderstood myself as free and easy

It made us sad

But you were me back then

and I am now

If I could do it all over again

I burst into tears. I covered my mouth with my hands in bed, trying my best to suppress my crying. I just Sobbing, shaking and sobbing, forgetting to breathe, as if the soul had left the body.

After a long time, the tears dried up and the mood gradually subsided, and I received his long-lost "good night". There is an illusion that we are back to the beginning.

On Lu Jiajin’s birthday, I am still determined to give him a gift, otherwise I will definitely regret it. I drew a sketch of Kobe and gave it to him, along with many of his favorite books and candies, all packed in a box. After receiving it, he was as happy as a child. He said: "Lin Yi, no one understands me better than you."

"Yes, there is no one anymore." He felt so sour in his heart .

In June, I will leave school and go to Changsha to participate in an eight-month training camp.

The night before I left, I happened to meet Lu Jiajin at a milk tea shop near the school. He was sitting there alone, all alone, but I still walked over.

"Lu Jiajin." I called him.

He raised his head and looked at me. Surprisingly, there was no smile on his face. His eyes were different from before, as if the light had dimmed. I had never seen him like this before. For a long time, he just said softly: "Lin Yi."

"Yeah."

He suddenly showed his dimples like before and smiled, as if his appearance just now was just A conjecture of mine. He chatted with me for a few more words, and then fell silent for no apparent reason.

I still felt sour when I saw him like that. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I suddenly stared bravely into his eyes and said, "Lu Jiajin, what do you think the best love is?"

p>

It felt like a century had passed, and he said: "One room, two people, three meals, four seasons, four hands, three places, two hearts, one life." What he said was very touching, like a long and affectionate confession.

I was speechless, but tears kept rolling in my eyes, and a certain part of my heart became very, very heavy. I suddenly realized that after all this time, I still couldn't let him go.

Perhaps, the flow of eyes can eventually become a poem.

7.

For eight months, I painted day and night in order to be admitted to Hunan University. When I am tired, I always think about him, and then I say in my heart: "As I get better, maybe I can stand next to him."

Occasionally I stand by the Xiangjiang River, leaning on the railing , watching the sunset at dusk and the cool breeze blowing from the river, my thoughts always drift back to that winter.

Sometimes I have insomnia, just like that night, I sit in front of the window wrapped in a quilt, plug in my headphones, and keep playing the scenes of getting along with him in my mind.

I seem to be possessed, maybe it is something called missing that is causing trouble.

Later I received news: "Lu Jiajin is pursuing a girl named Yin Han in the second year of high school."

I heard that the girl has long hair, tall and thin, and has a charming temperament. She is indifferent and very endearing. Lu Jiajin seems to be serious about her.

My heart is already filled with heavy rain, but I always think that she is just a passing guest of his. And that's what I want to be like for the rest of my life.

If he is a dazzling star in the sky, I am willing to stay in the world and look up to pick up his light. This may be sad.

Until the most devastating thing happened, I failed in the final art exam. I seemed to see the dream of Hunan University that had been in my heart for a long time shattered and vanished in an instant.

I looked at Changsha, his favorite city. The lanterns were just beginning to light up at night, and I ended up like a wounded lone bird, flying towards the way I came.

Back at school, when I saw Lu Jiajin holding Yin Han’s hand in the corridor, I felt like I had been hit by a cold winter rain, and a wound deep in my heart opened again. Gurgling bleeding and dull pain.

I think of the fireworks I saw in Orange Island. They bloomed in the blue and silent night sky, but in an instant, they turned into ashes. stay. So should this be the case with this love?

8.

In fact, this love, from beginning to end, is just my own war.

I was about to graduate from my senior year of high school. While he was playing basketball in the city, I brought a book I bought for him, a photo album of Kobe Bryant, and a postcard from Kobe Bryant to see him for the last time. he.

He knew I was coming and was waiting for me in the corridor outside the dormitory. When he saw me, he showed his first smile.

We looked at each other for a long time, and he just said softly: "Study hard." ."

"You have to walk the path you choose on your knees." He looked a little serious.

"I know."

I know that Lu Jiajin has always wanted me to work hard and have enough ability to get the life I want, instead of following the crowd and being defeated by life. .

At this time, I suddenly raised my head, and I saw the ever-changing white clouds on the horizon. The sun shone through, which was a bit dazzling. I closed my eyes, but tears flowed out. I turned my head and said, "I'm leaving."

He was as silent as a statue, and finally he said, "Okay." His voice was a little low.

I left what I thought was the most relieved smile, and then turned around and left. I walked in a hurry, and my back was very decisive. I was afraid that I would not be able to help but look back, and I was afraid that he would see it in advance. When I saw the postcard sandwiched in the book, I wrote a line: "I spent my entire high school life falling in love with you, which is the most worthwhile thing I have ever done."

After the college entrance examination, about my liking for him Everyone knows what happened, but I received abuse from a girl on QQ for no reason. I was so angry that I was furious, but my old friend pulled me and said: "Forget it, it's worth arguing with this kind of person."

I never knew who the girl was until Lu Jiajin posted a kissing photo on Instagram and liked the girl. I saw the girl in the photo, as if waking up from a dream, it was Zhang Ruoyan. This is something I never imagined. Facing my former friends, I am speechless and my heart is as clear as ice. Time is so cruel, and those true and beautiful things can really be washed away by it.

I don’t know when the person next to him changed from Yin Han to Zhang Ruoyan, but from the beginning to the end, I was not there, not before, not now, and never in the future.

After the college entrance examination, I still filled out my application form in Changsha, while he went to the north. At this point, the whole story has ended, and he has never appeared in my life again.

9.

Lu Jiajin:

After you left, I lived a peaceful life, studying every day, working part-time, taking pictures, reading, and spending time with a group of people in my spare time. Friends chatted and learned to dress up. You see, I finally learned to live well, just like you hoped.

I later met a lot of people, and many stories could actually unfold here, but I just avoided it, not because I couldn’t let you go, but because I was a little tired.

Sometimes people ask me if I still like you. I just said lightly: "It's all over."

Lu Jiajin, I don't miss you very much, I just think of you occasionally, the fragrance of osmanthus in midsummer, that winter, and the cold rain.

I worked part-time in a dim sum shop, and this song suddenly played in the shop:

? If you were the fireworks on the sea

I was the waves bubble

? At a certain moment your light illuminated me

? If you were a distant galaxy

So dazzling that I want to cry

? I am chasing your eyes

Always looking at the night sky when I am lonely

? I can follow you

? Like a shadow Sleepwalking after the light

? I can wait at this intersection

No matter whether you will pass by or not

Whenever I raise my head for you

< p> Even tears feel free

? Some love is like the sun falling, possessed and lost at the same time

I was in a trance, and even dropped the shopping bag I handed to others. . I ignored the eyes of outsiders, I looked at the people coming and going outside with red eyes, Lu Jiajin, you know, you are a beam of light, I am just a light chaser. Now, I have spent two spring and autumn in your favorite city, autumn and winter, winter and spring, and now it’s winter again. You didn’t say you were coming, and I’m not willing to wait.

10.

I once thought that my gaze would eventually become a poem, but I never finished the poem about you. You are only half of the poem that belongs to me, and this half of the poem is enough for me to read for a lifetime.

I am just very grateful to fate for having you appear in my best youth, Lu Jiajin, you should be well.

?

?