Please give me some jokes

1 In the unit's congratulations, a leader said: "I wish everyone good health..." Hold on, there are no words.

2 Once I helped my boss book a hotel and wanted to ask if they had any services such as free Internet access, but I couldn’t think of a good way to say it, so I asked the other person: “Excuse me, do you have any services here? What special services?"

The other party: "What? Special services, we are a regular hotel!"

-__-!!!!

3 Old dormitory I got out of bed and searched for my slippers for a long time, but there were none. I asked everyone: Why are my slippers gone?

4 While shopping, a friend suddenly exclaimed: "Wow! 'Virgin Bookstore'!" I was shocked. When I looked up, I saw a plaque with four big characters written on it

——Foreign Language bookstore-__-!

5 I once went to buy mutton skewers

I held out 4 fingers and said to the boss, "Here are three mutton skewers."

The boss was confused by "How many?" ?”

I stretched out 3 fingers and said “4”...

6 Our general manager’s surname is Zhou. One time he called me while I was driving and I got nervous. He opened his mouth and said: "Premier Zhou..."

7 My surname is Zhu, and I manage the unit's computer room. Someone once called me on my mobile phone: "Chief Chicken Section, are you in the pig room?" I scolded the guy at that time

8 I was queuing up in the cafeteria and heard a boy next to me say: "Master, bring me a bowl." "Bullet cauliflower soup!" (Seaweed and egg drop soup) Haha, I laughed so hard.

9 One day, I was eating very slowly and very hungry at a rice noodle shop

Finally I couldn’t hold it in any longer and slapped the table and roared. I originally wanted to say that if I didn’t get the rice noodles, I would flip the table over. !

The result was: "Boss!!!! If you don’t serve rice noodles, I will eat the table!!!!"

The whole store was silent for 3 seconds and then burst into laughter under the table... It’s embarrassing ...

10 When my parents quarreled, my dad said angrily: "I'll get you out of here!"

11 When I was playing basketball in high school, A acted selflessly after getting the ball. Passed to B, B easily scored. After a while, B got the ball, and A shouted to pass the ball to him. But B throws the ball himself. As a result, A shouted angrily: I was really blinded just now...

The whole audience burst out laughing

12 In my impression, the squad leader in elementary school was extremely serious. During a self-study class, the classroom There was a lot of noise in the room. After maintaining order several times, the squad leader finally couldn't bear it anymore. He stood up and slammed the table and roared: Whoever makes noise again, cut his mouth off!!!... The whole class was silent

13 University At that time, we asked a friend how Manchester United was doing, and he said excitedly: "Manchester United lost, and Beckham got two yellow plates and ended up!"

14 Don't buy porcelain without a golden hoop. Live

15 When I was in college, a teacher gave a lecture about a new type of material and said: "The sexual function of this material is incomparable to old materials... Oh no, performance and function... "

16 When I was in military training, the company commander shouted the command - "Drill to the left!" "Drill to the right!"

17. I didn't know the accent. , I heard a girl ordering: Master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour shredded potatoes, without the potatoes!

18 In the second year of high school, our Chinese teacher was an old teacher who had just been transferred to Beijing from Nanchang. His accent was very strong. His son was admitted to the Department of Architecture at Tsinghua University, which was also the purpose of his coming to Beijing. He was very proud of his son. He always told us about his son, and every time he said, "My son is a frog." Department of Architecture, Tsinghua University". ． ．

If moths get to frogs and toads, wouldn’t they become snacks? ． ．

19 While cooking at noon, my mother gave me a pot of carrots: "Go and cut the carrots into diced meat!"

20 A colleague asked me yesterday. How to write the festival section? I answered: Add a festive stanza under the prefix "草" and remove the prefix "草"! Everyone burst into laughter! I didn’t react for a moment~~~~~~~!

21 When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me which year I graduated.

I originally wanted to say the year 2000, but I got excited and said, "Two thousand years ago..."

What was even more shocking was that the examiner actually said "Oh" : "A student of Confucius."

22 Just over 10 minutes into class, my deskmate raised his hand and said: Teacher, I want to use the toilet.

The English teacher said unhappily: How old are you when you still need to go to the toilet?

22 I have a classmate who has been reviewing for the computer level 3 test. One day while playing football, another classmate dribbled the ball to the bottom line and heard him shout: Enter! Enter! (Biography)

23 I remember one time when I went to buy a fruit called Elizabeth, I opened my mouth and said: Boss, how much does Shakespeare cost? The boss was stunned on the spot

24 The physics teacher talked about waves: "This is a thick spring. I push it from both ends to see if it becomes dense (constipated)?"

25 I heard from my classmates,

Once a girl in their dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins.

She said to her boss: a pack of sanitary napkins.

The boss actually asked: Do you want fresh food or spicy food?

Then the classmate was stunned for a moment and said: Let’s have three fresh dishes, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stand the spicy food. . .

26 Senior sister from university, majoring in educational psychology. She was late... walked into the classroom and glanced sideways at the blackboard. The old professor got angry and asked the senior sister to answer the question on the blackboard. The senior sister hesitated for a long time and said: " "Sexiness and Sex Theory", this is too difficult to explain." The whole class was overwhelmed. (Note. Professor's original question: "On Reason and Sensibility"

2 50 new slips of the tongue have now arrived on earth! ——Funny slip of the tongue 2007 hot version (ZT)

27 A male classmate who is very close to me fell to the ground. To express my concern, I asked: "Does your butt hurt from the fall?" I accidentally said "You fell to your butt and died." Sweat~~~ The brother stood up, patted his butt, farted, and said, "He's not dead, he's still breathing!" I fainted

< p>28 I was drinking with the leader and others, raised my glass and shouted loudly: "Let us die together!" My mind was too hot at the time...

29 Once, our newspaper photographer interviewed a certain woman The star came back and talked about how he got to know the star at the meeting. The boss looked at the pile of photos on the table and joked: I think you have become his official photographer. But the boss’s southern Mandarin is unclear. From then on, this poor photojournalist was called a "daily photographer", and when he worked overtime, he became a "night photographer".

< p>30 Boss, do you have a toilet paper card?

31 One of our colleagues is on a business trip, and the dealer wants to urinate during the meal. The dealer said that there is a restroom opposite. If you go, please give it to the door. He said that we could eat for free if we were eating across the street. In order to save two cents, our colleague walked straight away and confidently said to the toilet man: "I'm here to eat!"

32 I am logistics. Department, during the Chinese New Year, a customer called me to check when the pre-holiday goods would arrive. Because the past few days were so confusing during the holidays, I couldn’t figure out the contents of the order, so I asked casually: What are you doing?

33 I have a friend who has just watched "The Legend of the Condor Heroes" and is very interested in the "dog-beating stick method" and often jokes with others.

One day, he came as usual. Because. He kicked someone else and shouted: "Kick the dog!" Everyone laughed wildly, and he felt embarrassed, so he kicked him again and shouted: "Kick the dog!"

34 Me When I was in high school, I went out to work during the holidays

I wanted to find a job as a waiter in a restaurant

Because I was still a child and it was my first time to work, so I was very nervous

I originally wanted to ask the manager if he needed any part-time workers, but I thought it would be more subtle to ask if he needed any manpower.

The result was: "Manager, do you need any helpers here?"

I almost found a hole to crawl in

35 Once I went to the market to buy vegetables and prepare for a dinner. A Korean friend bought lettuce for 2.4 yuan. He gave all the change he had to the vendor. , there was still a dime short, so he said to the hawker--

"I gave you all my hair, so there is no more hair." "

The hawker was speechless for a long time, then replied -

"I don't want your hair anymore. ”

36 Managers usually say to smokers in meetings: Smokers will be strangled to death!!

37 I remember when KFC launched the Liuxiang spread wings, because I didn’t watch the advertisement, it was From what others said, I always thought it was Liu Xiang who endorsed KFC. When I arrived in Ken, I told the waiter that I wanted Liu Xiang to spread his wings.

After the KFC Sudan Red incident, I went to KFC and the waiter asked. What do you want? I didn’t even think about it: a pair of Sudanese red. The waiter immediately looked like he was choked

39 I went to a small restaurant with some colleagues after work a few days ago. The restaurant was very crowded at the time. There were many, a plump waiter was very busy, a colleague shouted: "Waiter~~", the girl ran over: "What do you guys want to settle the bill? ", we all poured it out at that time. When we go to this restaurant to eat in the future, we will shout "waiter checkout" when ordering, and then shout "order!" when we are about to leave after eating! ! "

40 I met a colleague in the bathroom at noon. Suddenly I didn't know what words to use to say hello, so I asked by accident: "Have you eaten? After asking the question, he was very annoyed and embarrassed. His colleague replied: "I have eaten. What about you?" "I'm dizzy~~~~~~

41 When my colleague wanted to ask about the exchange rate between RMB and Japanese yen, he immediately said, how do you exchange the orangutan and Japanese yen?

42 Dormitory The brothers watched "Prison Break", and there was a scene where a person took out a razor blade from his mouth to kill someone. The boss suddenly said: "I K, I can still speak even if I hide my mouth in a razor blade, I'm convinced." . . ”

43 One day at noon, my mother asked my brother to move the dining table to the side.

My brother didn't move for a long time, and my mother said something like this in a hurry:

"Did you hear me?! I told you to move the table two kilometers to the side."

=_= !!!

44 After the union chairman gave an impassioned speech, the last sentence reached a climax: Comrades, let us do better work this year than next year! Everyone fell down.

45 Our teacher is very good. One day he said this: "Take out the homework, let's check the answers, put a cross on the correct ones, and then write the correct answers on it..."

46 I called a friend I hadn’t contacted for a long time and learned that he was applying for a "suspension with salary"

47 There are so many beauties in the country that it attracts countless heroes to shoot big eagles. . . . . .

48 I went to the cinema to watch "Pirates of the Caribbean 3". There was a trailer for "Transformers" before the movie started. When I saw the leader of the Decepticons, I couldn't think of "Megatron" or anything else. His team was called "Decepticons". Because he was so excited, he exclaimed, "It's so handsome, it's Nan Decepticon!"

The terrible thing is that it suddenly became very quiet at that time. Any movie sound effects, countless people stare at me and burst into laughter...it's so embarrassing!

49 Dinner with a group of friends

One of them was probably betrayed by his brother. He was so depressed that he drank a lot of beer, then stood up with a red face and yelled< /p>

Brother! Not for sale! ! !

I guess I wanted to say that brothers are not for betrayal

At that time, there were more than a dozen people at a table and all of them fell down

50 is so tiring, even I have used up all my energy to eat shit...

To my fat wife:

Moving version: Wife, you must take care of yourself! (Of course, keep your previous weight Yes, hehe!)

Sincere version: You are the most "important" person in our family.

Comfort version: In fact, your waist is much thinner than the year before. (Of course, she was pregnant at the time.)

Appreciation version: Wife, when you walked past the TV just now, I missed at least three commercials

Appreciation version: Can you What a "round" person!

Thoughtful version; I walked on the same road, plain and clear, without a trace; but when you walked through it, it was steady, step by step.

Tell the truth version: You are a broad-minded person.

Self-criticism version: I would like to pick you up gently and spin you in three graceful circles just like we did when we first fell in love, but I am no longer capable.

Legend Edition: No matter how deep the well I fall into, I trust you to rescue me - with your belt.

Advertising page: Good teeth and good appetite. Your teeth are so nice.

This damn washing machine has shrunk your clothes again.

Tender version: When you left me and walked to the door, I felt nothing but the sun and the moon.

Environmentally friendly version: Wife, you save more water when you take a bath in the bathtub now than before.

Aesthetic version: There are fewer and fewer wrinkles on your face.

Mathematics version: According to the relevant formula, you only need to grow 15 centimeters longer to meet the weight standard.

Physical version: Wife, your inertia is getting bigger and bigger.

Chemistry version: Your assimilation is always stronger than your dissimilation.

Literary version: I gently press your skin, ah, you are much deeper than before.

Philology version: The word "thin" begins with "疒", and you are very healthy.

Historical version: Wife, we get along extremely harmoniously. I feel that I am as happy as Emperor Xuanzong of the Tang Dynasty.

Geography version: Your neck is the Arctic Circle, your ankle is the Antarctic Circle, and of course, you know where the equator is.

Economics Edition: Wife, don’t take the bus, take a taxi instead, because taxis don’t charge according to seats.

Relativity version: How small I am compared to you!

Philosophy version: Everything that exists is reasonable. This is true of everything, including fat.

Sociology Edition: What a wise decision it is to cancel cloth tickets!

Comprehensive version: Weight gain is a physical change. Gaining fat is a chemical change, a change on the scale is a mathematical change, and my love for you has not changed at all.

Female: Have you ever had a girlfriend before?

Male: Ten years of life and death are so uncertain that you will never forget them without thinking about them.

Female: Dead? How did you die?

Male: Mountain Tianling, the river is exhausted, there are thunders in winter and rain and snow in summer.

Female: Oh, it’s a natural disaster. How did you get here all these years?

Male: His face is dusty and smoky, and his hands are gray and black.

Female; Alas, it’s not easy. Then what was your first feeling when you saw me?

Male: Suddenly, the spring breeze comes at night, and thousands of pear trees bloom.

Female: (blushing) Is it so good?

Male: What is conveyed by dross is not pure beauty, but what is difficult to describe is the spirit.

Female: Flatterer - do you have ideals?

Male: He is young and has great ambitions, but he dares to laugh at Huang Chao for not having a husband.

Female: What are your... views on love?

Male: Only in this mountain, where is the depth of the clouds?

Female: Do you like reading?

Male: There are twelve volumes of military books, and each volume has my father’s name!

Female: This is too much to brag about. Right? You are so talented, why are you still single?

Male: My sister-in-law is unmarried, and she knows how miserable she is.

Female: (laughing) If, I mean if, I agree to marry you, how do you plan to treat me?

Male: A heart of ice. In the jade pot!

Female: Do you promise that you will not be tempted by other women?

Male: I can never make waves, I have a heart as old as a well.

Female: I’ll believe you for now, but I’m planning to go to the United States to study.

Can you wait for me?

Male: It’s been a long time. , should be a false display of beautiful scenery at a good time.

Female: But...

Male: Standing on the railing alone, the world is unlimited, it is easy to say goodbye but hard to see each other!

Female: But...

Male: When I look at my husband, the river turns into stone and I don’t look back!

Female: Okay, okay, I’m afraid of you...

After marriage< /p>

Female: After being married for so long, do you still miss your former girlfriend?

Male: Once upon a time, everything was difficult, except for Wushan.

Female: Then why did you marry me back then?

Male: I didn’t realize that I was a guest in my dream, and I was just having fun for a while.

Female: That’s too much. We are a couple after all.

Male: Husband and wife are originally birds of the same forest, and they fly separately when disaster strikes.

Female: What do you think of our marriage?

Male: When I woke up and looked at Chu Jin, I felt chilled in my dream!

Female: Is it that miserable? Are you talking about your first impression of me...

Male: Beautiful women fill the Spring Palace like flowers, with only partridges flying around.

Female: That’s not what you said. Could it be that you actually...

Male: I couldn’t boast that I was dirty in the past, but now I have endless debauchery.

Female: I have always believed it when my friends wrote to me, but I didn’t expect

it was true!

Male: I finally realized it on paper. Qian, I definitely know that I have to do this.

Female: Where have your original ideals gone?

Male: Let’s change the name to a low-pitched song.

Female: (Tearful eyes) You, didn’t you promise a heart of ice?

Male: I can’t bear to see this thing, burn it to ashes.

Female: Aren’t you afraid of being laughed at by your relatives and friends, and being reviled by future generations?

Male: I would rather die holding a fragrant branch than blow it down in the north wind.

Female: Do I agree to break up?

Male: Even if we break up, we are brothers, so why not have to be flesh and blood relatives.

Female: Okay, that’s great!

What a coincidence that you met me! ! A collection of jokes that someone made for me on my birthday!