Ten sins of photographers

Coordinates |? Shenzhen

1

Sudden accidents should be handled calmly.

Some time ago, one night, on my way home from painting class with my second child, my second child accidentally broke his head and even his clothes were wet with blood.

I quickly took him to the nearby community health hospital without tetanus shot.

His wound is quite deep. Doctors and nurses all said there was a possibility of sewing needles, and asked me to take my child to the people's hospital for treatment.

I hurried to the people's hospital with my second child.

On the way, I noticed the look of the second child. The child looked nervous and scared, with tears in his eyes.

I hugged him and said, "You look nervous and scared."

He said yes, and then sobbed and asked me, "Is sewing needles like sewing clothes? It must hurt! "

I first affirmed his rich imagination, and then told him: "You don't necessarily need stitches, even if you do, you won't be afraid, because doctors in regular hospitals are professionally trained and skilled, and they will certainly handle it!"

After listening to my words, the child was still a little uneasy, but finally calmed down.

I took the second hand and thought: There is no difference between good and bad mood, and anxiety is normal. It just makes the children feel uneasy.

At the hospital, after a series of operations, I finally met the doctor.

I immediately asked the doctor: "Does the child need stitches?"

The doctor said, "No!"

The doctor treated the wound, put glue on the child, had tetanus, and we went home.

On the way back, I asked my second child, "Are you happy not to sew?"

The second one said yes.

I teased him: "Are you crying for nothing?"

The second child smiled a little embarrassed.

Then I told him:

"Things are not as good as we thought, but they are not as bad as we thought, right?

In the future, do you want to calm down first "

The second thought for a moment and said yes.

Looking at the relaxed appearance of the second child, I suddenly remembered my reaction when something similar happened to the boss a few years ago.

2

The boss's complaint

At that time, I once encountered something unexpected. First, I lost my temper and yelled at the children.

I don't know how to manage my emotions, let alone affirm my children's emotions.

So, before, I left a lot of negative memories for my boss.

I once chatted with my boss and asked him if he remembered when his parents played with him when he was a child.

He said he didn't remember, and his mind was full of bad memories of his parents.

I'm so sad to hear that: obviously I have given my child a lot of love, and in the end he only remembers that we didn't do well.

When the boss was six or seven years old, we took him back to his hometown during the Spring Festival.

On New Year's Day, the whole family took a family photo, but the boss refused to cooperate with the photo because of his temper.

At that time, I asked my neighbor to help me as a "photographer". I was worried that it would affect the other party's time, so I yelled at my boss.

Later, the boss obediently cooperated with the photo taking, but more than ten years passed. Looking back at the photos taken at that time, the boss's face is full of unhappiness.

Sometimes I think it would be nice if time could go back.

If I can go back to the beginning, I will definitely kneel down to affirm the child's emotions with 34 1 affirmation method, understand the motivation behind his temper, give him a big hug and watch him listen to him. ...

The smooth communication with the second child also reminds me of all kinds of "demons" after the boss went to junior high school.

Shut the door, play games all night, sleep in class, do not do homework, and turn a deaf ear to our suggestions. ......

I used to see the boss's various "problems" and hated iron for not producing steel.

Now, I regret my ignorance.

It is precisely because we don't allow the boss to "make mistakes" that the boss deliberately opposes us.

Every time the boss "makes a mistake", we will yell at him loudly, criticize and accuse him, causing the boss to close his heart to us, pin all his sense of value on the game, and finally have no intention of learning.

In the past, every time we communicated with our boss, he would unconsciously clench his fist and instinctively enter the fighting state.

With the practice of affirming my diary, confessing my apologies and relaxing my trust, we often talk about the past after getting closer to our boss.

The boss began to "blame" us, saying that we used to put pressure on him and criticize him, which made him nervous and scared, and he often had nightmares at night.

I asked him why he didn't tell us what he was thinking.

The boss said he was afraid to tell us, and he felt it was useless to tell us. He thinks we will still criticize him, so we might as well not say anything.

Hearing the boss's "accusation", I felt guilty and happy.

What is guilty is that I personally hurt my beloved child; Fortunately, the child can confess these "accusations" to me, which shows that his relationship with us is being rebuilt.

Once, I was listening to the first lesson of balancing emotions, and my boss happened to hear Xiaohua's case.

He said that he was like a small flower, suffering from an expression disorder, and his heart was in a state of turmoil, but he didn't know how to express it and who to express it with.

The boss's "accusation" made me more sure: a parent who doesn't know how to manage emotions, and a parent who vents their emotions on their children, is the biggest destruction and destruction to their children's lives.

three

Ask four questions to resolve the crisis.

Boss's relationship with us is getting better and better now, but he is in adolescence, and it is inevitable that he will have mood swings.

A few days ago, my friend recommended me a clinic specializing in the treatment of skeletal muscle injuries, saying that the treatment effect is very good and the healing speed is very fast.

At dinner, I talked to my boss about it.

The boss has been doing rehabilitation physiotherapy for low back pain in orthopedic hospital for some time.

I said to my boss, "A friend recommended a better doctor. It is said that his medical skill is very good. My mother's idea is to try there. What do you think? "

After studying, I feel that I am full of respect for everything my boss says.

Unexpectedly, the boss's reaction is fierce:

"Your opinion! Your opinion! This is your generation!

Isn't that what it is? Don't trust regular hospital doctors, but also ask Du Niang!

Finally, I asked a Putian department, and finally I died! "

When I heard the boss say this, my first reaction in my heart was anxious and angry:

What is wrong with me? I'm asking your advice, aren't I?

Always say your generation! What happened to our generation!

Without our generation, how could there be your generation?

Fortunately, after study and practice, although the heart is very turbulent, it is still calm on the surface.

I think of gold 15 seconds: the "amygdala" of adolescent children has become active, and I must calm down.

I am in no hurry to answer him, but sit down and think it over.

I thought of "four questions"

Question 1: Have I created a safe atmosphere for the dialogue?

Obviously not.

Actually, I should talk to my boss about some relaxing topics first, and then talk about changing doctors slowly. That was obviously thoughtless.

Am I ready for myself?

No, either. I have something to say, and I didn't prepare myself in advance.

Did I ruin or end the conversation?

I seemed to speak a little fast and my voice was a little high just now.

Question 2: What do I hope to achieve for myself in this dialogue?

I hope I can guide my children to the clinic recommended by my friends.

Question 3: What do I hope to achieve for each other?

I hope to save my boss time by changing doctors.

Question 4: What do I want our relationship to achieve?

I hope we agree.

What can I do to achieve these goals? What is the action plan?

In order to achieve these goals, I think I should use the three elements of communication and pay attention to my tone, intonation and body language.

The action plan is: act immediately and communicate softly.

After a pause, my mood calmed down.

This time, I lowered my voice by eight degrees and gently said to my boss:

"Mom wants to help you change a doctor, not to say that the original doctor is not good.

But I think you are going to take the college entrance examination soon, and time is precious. Mom wants to help you find a doctor to help you recover as soon as possible and save time.

Do you think this will be better? "

Unexpectedly, the boss readily agreed this time: "All right!"

I can't believe my ears!

four

The premise of turning problems into resources

The boss's seemingly "inexplicable" temper tantrum also inspired me a lot.

A child's heart is extremely keen. When we can't see or hear, they remind us with all kinds of "questions".

At first, it may just be something that looks "unreasonable" like losing your temper.

This time, because of my suggestion, the boss gave me a big talk with emotional fluctuations.

But in fact, he felt my self-righteous love and control from my tone, and he hoped to feel respect and space.

If we don't understand children's needs and continue to treat children in a repressive and controlled way, children may remind us with further "problems".

Such as inattention, procrastination and passivity.

If we still stare at the children and think that it is their problem, and we don't reflect and change ourselves, the children will remind us with more serious "problems" in the next step.

For example, after the boss went to junior high school, he rebelled against us, neglected his studies and indulged in games, which made us fall into extreme pain.

Many times, educational mistakes are as big as children's "problems"; How big is the child's "rebellion", how deep is the child's inner pain.

Every "problem" contains resources for growth, and this seemingly magical result will only happen if it is based on the awakening and growth of parents.

Thank you, boss, for waking up my growth and change with "problems" and "complaints" and giving me the opportunity to make up and fill the loopholes.

I also thank the second child for giving me ample opportunities to witness one moment after another full of beauty and warmth.

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