In the middle age after the 90s, I sold my dream in exchange for your daily necessities

At the end of the year, I gradually found some friends to go out for parties.

The topics are all about family feuds, about who changed jobs, who got married, and who gave birth to a baby. Most people talk about money, but few people mention the word dream.

Maybe ordinary people don’t deserve to have dreams, but most people and I sometimes don’t even know what they want to do besides money.

01

In 2019, I am 27 years old, and I am still 3 years away from becoming a 30-year-old boy in Wenyou.

One day when I took a shower and looked in the mirror, I realized that the abdominal muscles that had followed me for more than ten years had completely disappeared and my belly had become rounder.

In the second year of marriage, I gained weight, Xiao Ding became pregnant, and both of our bellies gradually grew bigger.

We are all slowly entering middle age.

I, in 1992, am already middle-aged.

It's terrible.

I once read a sentence describing middle age: "When I open my eyes every day, I am surrounded by people who rely on me."

Now that I think about it, it is indeed true. Although I just had a child, The elders haven’t gotten that old yet.

But because I have opened a company, I have to spend a lot of money on rent, mortgage, salary, etc. every month, and the child is still lying in the neonatal intensive care unit, which can cost a fresh graduate a month's expenses every day. .

Whether it is financial or emotional, the responsibilities on my shoulders have gradually become heavier.

For those who are born in the 90s like me, half of my friends around me are going through the nesting period - finding a partner, willingly putting on the shackles given by her, putting aside ideals and dreams, and just being honest first. Working hard to support the family.

On the other hand, the other half, those born in the 1990s who are single, still "refuse to enter life" and travel around the world, passing among thousands of flowers without even touching a leaf.

When Zhuzi explained marriage, he said something:

"I think, you see, when we were in our early twenties, we were doing unreliable things every day. The money we earn is used for fun. We take advantage of our youth and forget about the worries of life. These words are so vulgar that we have no time to worry about them. From that moment on, did we care about these things? Just like when we were on the phone for several hours, we frowned and discussed these troubling problems. But the root cause of the matter was us. You don’t have to buy a house or manage your finances, just live this year and wait for next year.”

“We have finally chosen to enter life. What we discuss most on the phone is what color to lay on the terrace floor.”

Indeed, in the past year, what Xiaoding and I discussed the most was not where to go to play or where to go on dates, but about future family arrangements.

Therefore, marriage is "two people working together to solve life and make life better."

In the days when I have become a father, I hope that I can do two things - — "I am responsible for all things" and "Soft sea urchin."

To support a family and a team, "I am responsible for all major events."

He puts up a hard shell full of thorns, but gives his soft heart to his family, becoming a "soft sea urchin".

02

In 2019, I almost stopped taking photos.

Behind photography is the love of life.

I have been eager to prove myself in the past few years and have become a money-making robot, not loving life.

Without being exposed to new things, not communicating with anyone, creativity dries up, and he becomes a mediocre man who is tired of dealing with massive amounts of information all day long.

I am dissatisfied. On the one hand, it is because of my wild and wild ideas and what I want to do. On the other hand, I am forced by reality and family, which require me to stop making money.

This reality of holding oneself in place creates a sense of torn back and forth between ideals and status quo.

I am born to join in the fun, but I cannot calm down and study one thing carefully.

I am exposed to a lot of information on a daily basis, but I know very well:

“It is useless to give, know, learn, and get. Only by doing it can you generate confidence; The more you know and the less you can do, the more likely you are to feel anxious.”

I met Jiang Sida at a WeChat open class a few days ago, and he said something that seemed illusory, but was quite telling. The words of the human heart.

"I feel ashamed of my growth."

Many people grow up to be people they were not ashamed of when they were children.

What impressed me the most was Director Bi. He is the Tsinghua doctor who studies the rules of boring things in the world all day long. He said:

"Curious people live in In Neverland."

I can clearly feel that after my friends grew up, they were busy making a living and gradually turned into adults who were indifferent to everything in the world.

I can no longer be as curious about the world as Peter Pan, a Peter Pan who often finds surprises in trivial things.

Without curiosity, without exploration, every day is just a repeat of the previous day.

No passion, no future to look forward to.

03

During the Chinese New Year, information about the COVID-19 epidemic spread wildly. No matter whether it was on the big or small screen, it was pervasive. It not only made everyone more vigilant, but also made everyone's mood change with the progress of the epidemic. Like a roller coaster, with ups and downs and uneasiness.

Whether it was the Han Hong incident or the 15-second viral incident, everyone was just like watching idols at that time, discussing everything.

This just confirms what Chen Danqing said:

"Human desire is to listen to stories, and the best story is when a living person appears... Great painting and literary education Today's film and television. But people's desires are quickly rushing toward new media. Many old media have been destroyed by new media, and many types of art have become outdated and disappeared. People's desires have not changed at all. People always want to see themselves, and they are bottomless. I want to know what the men and women are doing in other windows.”

Most people have been acting as bystanders, peeking into other people’s lives through various media, but have never tried to work harder to create their own lives and stories. the creator of.

I have tried to achieve "information fasting" for a long time. People's attention is limited. Except for necessary information, it is better to know less.

Also, it’s been a long time since I wrote or created something.

Roland Barthes said: "I write in order to be loved: to be loved by someone, someone far away."

Creation and creation bring about thousands of ways One possibility is that the stories you write, the pictures you take, and the works you create can span a long distance and touch the soft heart of someone you have never met.

In the coming year, I hope to write more verbose but valuable information to share with you.

04

Xiao Ding and I stayed in the hospital for 15 days. Every day when we opened our eyes, we had to take care of Xiao Ding who was in bed.

Our ward has two beds, and the bed next door has been occupied by seven or eight couples during this period.

The first one was a 42-year-old woman. Her amniotic fluid broke at 24 weeks and she was bleeding. The pregnancy was guaranteed until 26 weeks, but she gave birth to twin boys. The baby weighed just over a pound.

Their father always wore a mask in the ward, and when he went out, he also wore a motorcycle hat, protective clothing, gloves, and foot protection. He was fully equipped and reminded me again and again to try not to leave the ward.

At first I thought to myself, "Is he a little overprotective?"

But after the birth of the child, I changed my mind. I am in my 40s and have two new children. , if he has any shortcomings, it is no exaggeration to say that the whole family will collapse.

No amount of protection is too much.

Later, several pregnant women came in one after another. Most of them gave birth naturally at full term. They stayed for one day after giving birth and could happily go home with their babies in their arms the next day.

We heard through the bed curtain that other people’s babies weighed over 7 and nearly 8 pounds when they were born. We couldn’t help but feel sad when we thought that our child weighed just over 2 pounds.

Moreover, these fat boys have great strength and loud voices, and can cry all night without stopping. Even if I put on headphones and turn up the volume to 80%, they cannot block out the crying. Insomnia and being noisy are a double blow.

We have been discharged from the hospital in the past few days, and Xiaoding has recovered fairly well. She is doing confinement at home, and my sister and I are taking care of her.

The baby is expected to have to stay in the hospital for at least two months. During special periods, the hospital does not allow visits or milk delivery.

Every day, Xiao Ding expresses breast milk and puts it in the refrigerator, not knowing when the baby will come back to take a sip.

"Why do we have a child?"

I ask Xiao Ding this question every day or two.

To this day, we still can’t believe that the baby has been born. It seems that he is still lying in Xiaoding’s belly obediently.

The fact is that the child is lying in the hospital and the crib at home is empty.

05

On the second day after being discharged from the hospital, because the child had to register for household registration and apply for medical insurance, the child had to be given a name. The "Cai Xiyue" mentioned earlier was chosen for the baby girl.

Unexpectedly, we gave birth to a baby boy.

After several discussions, the name was finally decided:

Cai Yichuan.

I chose the name because I hope he can be "a simple person in a complex world."

The strokes are simple, with only four strokes. When he learns to write his name in the future, he can write it in one second, and then he can make fun of the children with complicated strokes such as Xi, Yi, Hao and so on.

My dad said that Yichuan can also be called "Yimapingchuan".

Although he was "forced to learn" to spend money lavishly when he was born, I hope he can stride over this "first big hurdle in life".

At worst, I will sell my dream in exchange for your daily necessities.

As for me, I have gradually adapted to my skin and life as I approach middle age, my increasingly scarce hairline and the ever-increasing financial pressure.

While growing up, make peace with yourself.

“Cross out your childhood fantasies, dreams, and ideals, and gradually accept the fact that you are an ordinary person.

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