A person lying in the room with his eyes wide open, looking at the charging mobile phone, playing idioms.

0 1. A brother went to the toilet and entered the ladies' room by mistake. After going in, he found that there was no urinal, which was wrong. Fortunately, there is no one in the toilet. He walked out casually. When I opened the door, I met a mm who came in. Face to face with him, blushed, lowered his head and turned to drill in the men's room. ...

The hunter saw a bird in the sky and missed three shots, but the bird still fell. It turned out that the bird patted its chest and said, "Scare, scare!" " "

03. I passed the cemetery one night and thought it was a ghost fire when I saw the fire. Then he threw a brick and the fire moved to another grave. The man still threw a brick, I heard you. "damn it! You can't even shit. You will get two bricks when you smoke. "

04. A woman was walking at night when she suddenly saw a man coming towards her with open arms, gave a hug and stepped forward. The man fell to the ground and cried, "This is the third piece. It is so difficult to take a piece of glass home."

05. A novice went to collect usury. He took out the IOU and smiled and said, "It's written clearly in black and white. You owe me 1 10,000! Do you want to default? " People really don't have that much money, and he threatened: "Hum! Don't blame me for not reminding you! If you can't pay back the money tomorrow, your house will become like this. " He took out his lighter and burned the loan. ...

06. An old farmer is hoeing in the field. A crow flew by and took a shit and landed on the old farmer's face. The old farmer looked up and cursed: "Cao!

Your mother! I don't know how to wear shorts when I go out! "The crow said," Cao! You shit and wear underwear! "

07. Robber: "Tell me the password of the safe quickly, or I will kill you!" " Female employee: "Don't tell me if you kill me! You ruined me, I won't say anything! " The robber looked her up and down and said, "You should be beautiful!" "

08. One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple. The snake said, "I am too young to fart so smelly." It must be a cow. " The cow said, "I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly." The pig said, "People who fart will blush." Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out, knocked the pig open and said, "How many times have I told you, I was born blushing."

09. Ge You invited a friend to dinner and went to the toilet on the way. His trousers were wet when he came back. Friend: "Why are your pants wet?"

Ge You: "It's been like this since I became famous." Friend: "Often?"

Ge You: "Yes! It is often the person next to you who urinates and suddenly turns around and shouts, "Yo! This is Ge You! "

10. A woman urinated in the toilet, and a drunk went by mistake after drinking. Hearing the sound of urinating, he quickly said, "Don't pour, I really don't drink!" " The woman was so frightened that she didn't dare to pee any more. She couldn't hold back and farted. The drunkard said, "I am tall! Who opened another bottle! "

1 1. The tortoise is hurt. Let snails buy medicine. Two hours have passed and the snail hasn't come back yet. The tortoise scolded in a hurry: "If you don't fucking come back, I will!" " "At this moment, the snail's voice came from outside the door:" You fucking said I wouldn't go! " "

12. Dad put his son to bed and went back to the bedroom to get ready for bed. "Dad!" Cried the son. "What is it?" "I'm thirsty. Can I have a glass of water?" "You just drank it! Go to sleep, I have turned off the lights! "

Five minutes later ... "Dad! I'm thirsty, can't you give me a drink? " "I just said! You let me hit you again! "

Five minutes passed ... "Dad!" "What's the matter now?" "Be sure to bring a glass of water when you come to hit me!"

13. At school, one day, Mr. A was going to change his pants in the dormitory. He just took off his belt. Unexpectedly, several female students came in. I had no choice but to carry his pants to the dormitory next door. Just as I unbuttoned the button, I was about to take it off. Unexpectedly, several female students came in, so I had to carry my pants to the door of the dormitory next door. Because he was in a hurry with pants in his hand, he had to kick open the dormitory door and shout, "Is there a woman in it?" Is there a woman? "I saw many girls sitting in the room, looking at him in horror. ...

14. An old man walked slowly in the street and saw a child tiptoe to ring the doorbell, but it was still a little short. So the old man went over and said kindly, "Little friend, let me press it for you." As he spoke, the old man rang the doorbell and didn't let go until he was sure that the people inside could hear him. At this time, the child eagerly said to the old man, "Let's run quickly!" " "

15. The woman is ugly and can't get married, hoping to be trafficked. Finally, my dream came true, but I couldn't sell it for half a month. The kidnapper sent him back, but she refused to get off. The kidnapper gritted his teeth and stamped his feet: "Go!"

No car! "

16. Robber: "Robber, get down!" When he saw a lady kneeling, he shouted, "Be fucking civilized. I only rob money, not sex!" "

17. The ugly man sent ninety-nine roses to his beautiful female colleague. "Marry me! I love you! " Woman: "Forget it! I have no feelings for you. " Man: "Please tell me this is not good, and I will change it." Woman: "What do you like about me? I'll change ~ ~

"

18. A brother was constipated and couldn't walk in the toilet for a long time. Just as he was going all out, he watched a buddy rush into the toilet like the wind and enter the next position. Hardly had he entered when there was a real storm. The brother said enviously to his buddy, "The buddy envies you." The buddy said, "I envy you, my pants are still on!" " "

19. A puppy climbed onto your dining table and crawled towards a roast chicken. You are furious and say, "I will do what you dare to do to that roast chicken." The dog licked the chicken's ass and you fainted. The puppy said happily, "Look who is cruel."

20. A sleeping party in a boy's dormitory lasted until three o'clock in the morning, and suddenly I wanted to discuss a question, "What should I say first when I meet a beautiful girl?" A gentleman woke up from a dream and said, "Stop talking and let's go to bed!" "

2 1. A naughty student nicknamed the girl in the same class "Fat Pig". The girl cried and complained to the teacher. The teacher promised to criticize and educate the boy. The next day, the teacher spoke in class: "One of our classmates is so rude. Just give other students nicknames, you can't just call them! "

22. I caught the bus in the morning, and when I got to the platform, the bus had already left. So you had to chase and shout, "master, wait for me!" Master, wait for me! " At this time, a passenger leaned out of the window and said to you, "Don't chase Wukong."

23. A foreigner came directly to Taiwan Province Province to study Chinese. But he never understood the difference between "iron" and "steel". One day, he came home late. As a result, the door downstairs could not be opened. He had to shout loudly upstairs: "landlady, your steel door won't open ..."

25.

A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp. Magic lamp: "I can only realize one of your wishes." Come on! I'm in a hurry. "

Man: "I want a wife ..." The magic lamp immediately turned into a beauty, and then disdained to say: "It's sad to be hungry for beauty!" Then he disappeared. Man: "... cake."

24. A man went fishing by the river. He wore a leaf first, but no fish took the bait for a long time. He changed another piece of bread, but no fish took the bait for a long time. He had no choice but to change earthworms, but no fish took the bait for a long time. In a rage, he took out a hundred-dollar bill, fell into the water and cursed: "What do you want to eat? Buy it yourself!

"

26. A psychopath sang in bed, turned over and continued to sing on the pillow. The attending doctor asked, "Just sing, why are you turning over?" The psycho said, "Fool, of course you have to sing B after singing A side."

27. A psychopath was writing a letter when the nurse asked, "Who are you going to write to?" Patient: "Write it to myself!" Nurse: "What does the letter say?" Patient: "You are crazy! How do I know I haven't received it yet? "

28. The bachelor pony picked up a handkerchief embroidered with A Xiang and telephone number. Pony dialed the telephone excitedly: "hello!" Is Miss A Xiang there, please? " For a long time, a voice came: "grandma, your phone!" " "

29. A man knocked down a strange old man on a motorcycle in the city center. The man was scared to death, and more and more people were watching. Suddenly, the man hugged the old man and cried, "Dad, wait for me, I'll get you a doctor." After that, he ran away ... The old man struggled and shouted angrily, "Come back to me!" " "Everyone sighed with emotion:" This son is really filial! "

30. Zhuge Liang is a man who is proficient in eight stunts, one of which is ventriloquism. It is said that Zhuge Liang discussed with Liu Bei in his account this day. Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart, but he was afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. I'm really sorry. He had a brainwave

, said: "master, in order to adjust the atmosphere, how about I call you like a woodpecker?" Liu Bei nodded. Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, master? Do I learn rubber or not?

"Liu Bei said," learn it again. You farted too loudly just now. I didn't hear that.

3 1. A fly and its mother are eating. The son frowned and asked his mother, "mom, why do we stand on the stool every day?" The stool is so dirty! " Mother said, "Don't say such unsanitary things while eating."

32. A couple went to take pictures. The photographer asked, "Grandpa, do you want side light, back light or full light?" Grandpa said shyly, "I don't care." Can you leave a pair of underwear for your aunt? "

33. Mom: "Martin, go to the kitchen and see if the light is off?" Martin went for a while and came back and said, "Mom, it's so dark there that you can't see anything. How do I know? "

34. Mom: "I thought you were doing your homework, but you were playing video games." Xiao Xin: "It's not my fault." Mom: "Is it my fault?"

Xiao Xin: "Yes, who told you to walk so lightly?"

35. A man went to the toilet. The next door suddenly said, "How have you been recently?" In order not to appear rude, he replied, "Not bad." The next door said, "What are you busy with?" This man: "Business trip." Next door: "I'll hang up first, there's a psycho here." . . "

36. A woman works the night shift and a man follows her. In fear, the woman passed by the grave and had a brainwave. She said to the grave, "Dad, I'm back. Open the door. "

The man was frightened and ran away screaming.

The woman was relieved and was about to leave when suddenly a deep voice came from the grave: "Daughter, you forgot your key again!" " "The woman was frightened and ran away. Then a grave robber emerged from the grave and said, "Shit! Delaying my work and scaring you. "

The little boy was beaten by his father and ran to his mother aggrieved: "Mom, what would you do if someone bullied your child?" The mother was furious: "I want to kick his child's ass."

38. There is a girl in the class, a pervert, nicknamed "Refuse" by QQ. Once, I asked her curiously, "Why do you call it that?" She turned around and said with a shy expression, "Don't you think it's more subtle to add radicals?"

A man suspected that his wife was deaf and decided to test her hearing. Walk gently ten meters behind her. "Xiao Lan," said, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. So I moved six meters behind her. "Xiao Lan," I repeated, "can you hear me?" She still didn't respond. Walk three meters away from her and ask, "Can you hear me now?" "Yes," she replied. "This is the third time I have answered ~ Yes!"

40. The invigilator found a student cheating and angrily pointed at the student and shouted, "You … you … you … you … you … you dare to cheat, stand up! After the speech, five students stood up.

4 1

"Mom, how did I grow up?" Lele looked at her childhood photos and asked curiously. When her mother heard that the opportunity for education came, she said, "You were raised by your mother with a handful of shit and urine." Lele cried when she heard this: "How did you give me this?" ! Whoo ~ ~

"

42. A young girl and a handsome young man are dating in the park. Suddenly, I was a little embarrassed. The girl asked, "What's the matter with you?" Xiao Sheng said shyly, "I want to be convenient." The girl didn't understand, but I didn't know that "convenience" meant going to the toilet until I saw Xiaosheng walking to the public toilet. After a while, the girl asked Xiao Sheng, "When will you come to my house to play?" Xiao Sheng replied, "I want to go at your convenience."

The dentist said before pulling the patient's tooth, "Don't be afraid, come and have a drink to calm down." When the patient finished drinking, after a while, the doctor asked, "How do you feel now?" The patient said to the doctor with red eyes, "Now, see who dares to pull out my tooth!" " " .

44. A drunk accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by. A policeman came over and said, "What's the matter?" Drunk: "I don't know, just arrived."

45. A parrot was taught to speak: "I can walk." Parrot: "I can walk." A: "I can talk." Parrot: "I can talk." A: "I can fly." Parrot: "You can blow."

46. One day, a family caught fire, and both parents escaped, leaving only one son inside. Mother was very nervous and shouted outside:

"Son, what are you doing? They're all on fire. They're not coming out yet.

..... The son replied, "I'm wearing socks!" ! "Mom said," What socks were you wearing when the fire broke out? Five minutes later, before my son came out, my mother shouted nervously, "What are you doing, son? Come out quickly, there's a fire, and you're still in there ... "The son said," I'm going to take off my socks! "

47. Woman: "I want to remind you that my husband will be back in an hour." Man: "but I didn't do anything rude!" " "Woman:" I know, if you want to do something, there is only less than an hour left. "

48. In junior high school math class, the teacher talked about equation transformation. He rolled up his sleeves on the platform and shouted, "Attention, students! I'm going to change! ……"

49. Late at night, Bush saw bin Laden standing in front of his bed and criticized his head. Bush was frightened and said, "How dare you break into the White House at night!" Bin Laden shook his chest-high beard, smiled darkly and said, "It's so confident to be soft!" " "

50. A group of ants climbed up the elephant's back, but they were knocked down. Only one ant sticks to the elephant's neck. The ant below shouted, "pinch him, pinch him, demo, it's fucking wrong!" "

5 1. A village woman went to town for the first time and wanted to go to the toilet. After a long time, she asked the policeman helplessly, "Comrade, there is a public toilet in front. Where is the mother toilet? "

As the parturient is about to give birth, relatives and friends are anxiously waiting outside the delivery room. The nurse finally took the baby out and everyone swarmed. "Is it a boy or a girl?" Father is most concerned about this problem. He couldn't wait to reach into his swaddling clothes and grope for it, then shouted happily, "It's a boy! It's a boy! " What boy? "The nurse scolded angrily." Let go of my finger. "

53. In biology class, the teacher asked, "How can we correctly distinguish the hands and feet of an octopus?" A student replied, "Give it a fart to smell. One hand will cover your nose, and the other is your feet. "

54. Geography teacher: "What will our world be like if the earth doesn't turn?" Xiaoming: "Even if the earth doesn't turn, we will continue to turn around the Party Central Committee with President Hu as the center." Sweat! ! !

55. Teacher: "Xiao Xin, your problem is the improper use of words. Now I will test you and use an idiom to describe the teacher's happiness. "

Xiao Xin: "Laugh at Jiuquan."

56. The fish said, "I keep opening my eyes to leave you." The water said, "I have been flowing tirelessly all day and want to hug you." The pot said, "It's almost fucking ripe and still so poor."

57. Professor: "A fool's question can't be answered by ten smart people." College student: "No wonder I always fail in exams."

58. During a military performance, a shell deviated far away. The soldiers sent to inspect found that the shells landed in the farmland, and you stood in the field, ragged and dark-skinned, with tears in your eyes, saying, "It was just stealing a cabbage." Is it worth shelling? "

It's not easy for me to find out that I have to give points.