When the family says, "How are you?"

"I have made it like this. What do you want me to do? 」 ? What is that? You are only busy with business, and you are like a dead man on holidays? " Holidays are supposed to be a rest. Why are you forcing me? 」 ? He cooperates with everything his wife says, but he can't do this. ? Busy business exhausted his experience and he wanted to take a vacation.

"I have made it like this. What do you want me to do? 」 ? What is that? You are only busy with business, and you are like a dead man on holidays? " Holidays are supposed to be a rest. Why are you forcing me? 」 ? He cooperates with everything his wife says, but he can't do this. ? Busy business exhausted his experience, and he wanted to have a rest during the holiday. He smiled in and out of the crowd and felt out of place. He has been deprived of his holiday break and can't keep pretending to be busy! He told his wife that I gave you money and you went to play with your colleagues, which made her unhappy and he could not bear it. Fight this before marriage and this after marriage. But he can't live without it. Although he hates his wife, he also depends on her. As long as his wife is away, he feels lonely, but he is not satisfied with her existence. ? This feeling of contradiction makes him very upset, but he is also familiar with it. The more he can't communicate, the more he can't digest this mentality. When people ask about his wife, he can hardly say that he is dissatisfied, because "being forced, is that enough to be dissatisfied?" 」 ? Gradually, he covered up his dissatisfaction. Once someone asks about his family and his life, he will say, "My wife, she is fine!" " My family is fine. ""My life is very good! With this gap of contradictions and conflicts, he feels more like a saint. Every time he is sarcastic, he silently thinks, "How much do you think I love my family and think about them?" ? His humble hope is that others can appreciate his intentions and take care of his feelings. But it's not that simple. What he wants is that everyone knows that he is a smart person, and at the same time he is thoughtful, elegant and generous, so he will not shoot at will! ? On the surface, he said, "I just hope everyone around me is happy, don't quarrel, don't argue, and everything at home is thriving." But the more so, the more unbalanced his mentality is, and the deeper his desire for "you should thank me". His practice of staying out of the way is to stage a small theater of "charity and gratitude" in his heart. ? What he can't say is that he wants everyone to respect him. He is a tolerant saint, because only saints can give kindness. He is smart and knows what others need! He is like a face-changing actor in Beijing Opera. When he smells the needs of others, he will suppress his true feelings and try to get praise! ? Every sentence is "Hello!" "Hello, I am happy! In fact, it means "I have something to say ..." "You are happy, but what about my happiness? But he keeps the image of sacrifice and dedication, but he is the most dissatisfied one in his heart! ? The injury we suffered in our parents' marriage: "I didn't live a good life for myself!" " Have you ever heard such complaints between family members? ? When a person continues to betray his heart, he will only continue to consume life energy to fight against himself, and even despair of life! For them, the value more important than their own voice is based on "carefully detecting the needs of their families", which is their way of survival. ? It is also the task that adults subconsciously entrust them to take care of adults from an early age. Such children are often obedient, silent but lonely! They try their best to serve the people around them and please them, but they are also silently afraid that they are unimportant, afraid that they will not be cherished, unloved or even abandoned. So what they attract will also be assigned to their partners to do things, or they will provide benefits and tell their partners, "I will help you, so you should love me." Because they are eager for love, they will also have the opportunity to squeeze them! ? And this type of people, they have a pair of parents who are unfair to their own affairs, because their own troubles are already very tired, they can't see the needs of their children, and they expect their children to help their parents share and take care of their parents from an early age. ? They feel that they have to rely on their parents since childhood, so they are ashamed of their "weak mentality". They often live in self-mockery of how they can serve the adults around them when they need it, expecting themselves to grow up quickly, gain power quickly and pay love quickly. Everyone who wants to "grow up quickly" can't accept the fragile and needy state at that age! ? John Balbi, a famous British child psychologist, once put forward the concept of "parent-child role inversion". When parents take risks or control, they hope to get the obedience of their children, so as to gain inner peace or live a stable life. I hope the child had better not ask for anything, but take care of him, praise him, love him, accept him and so on. When children and parents switch roles and become the objects that parents depend on, they will easily want to be "useful", "obedient" and "obedient" in order to be loved, and their true feelings will not be recognized. Only by knowing the emotional trend of parents today can we live well! ? As a result, they learned to live in vain, and their self-realization became based on the approval of others, otherwise they would not be satisfied. ? And this kind of parents will strengthen their children's masks (obedient, obedient and easy to master) because of their own needs and preferences. They don't care how much the child's self-mockery has hit the child's psychology, and the living people don't live well enough! They only care about whether the children are obedient and don't make mistakes. Children are always afraid that if they don't meet their expectations, their parents will abandon them. Their hearts are full of contradictions. On the one hand, they have to satisfy their parents, on the other hand, they have to sacrifice their true feelings, but they have to make choices and put their parents and people around them first! ? This kind of person is very concerned about the evaluation of his family. In order to survive, they try their best to serve and make people around them happy and satisfied, but live with hidden hostility. They feel inexplicably uneasy and often have to find their own little happiness or life goals, otherwise they will dry up and die. ? People who exchange self-sacrifice for others' recognition often have emotional hunger and thirst. On the other hand, they say that their hated family members are "very nice" and want to be appreciated and cherished, but on the other hand, they are hostile to them. In the process of giving and paying, they are actually begging each other to give more tokens of recognition, so he has been relying on himself and obeying these services, hoping to get a place in the eyes of his parents. This kind of intimate relationship between you and me often has the illusion that "our family loves each other very much", but in fact, if a new object behaves better, he will be replaced, relying more closely on his parents' eyes and performing better, because. ? Fromm once said, "obedience and hostility are two sides of the same coin." When they are used to obeying each other, but complaining about each other, they become implicit hostility and are mixed in unspeakable conflicts. They make themselves very capable, persistent and responsible, and need the recognition of their families. They are not based on their own goals in life, but on fear. They need to please the people around them, or they will be replaced at any time! So they live a distorted life, bound by many frames, but they long for freedom, but according to this situation, getting freedom is just their fantasy! ? In fact, each of us should live a good life. Only by sincerely giving yourself can we feel the feeling of being rewarded and loved, and achieve the balance between giving love and receiving love. Otherwise, our blind love will eventually dry up our hearts. Dry places and empty feelings will make people want to hold on to other family members, and fear of being abandoned and unimportant will make the relationship between families more entangled! ? * The picture is authorized by photographer Li Changzhou, and the copyright belongs to the photographer * This article is published on the blog: Cross-border. Run away strong and gentle.

* Please see the fan page for more:? Huang Zhiying's Psychologist's Warm Heart Garden

(Teacher Huang's work "From now on, never copy your parents' marriage again: 35 exercises, bid farewell to marriage mines and find happiness again")

"This article is the author's view on cooperative innovation, not his position."