A Bisexual’s Self-Report: I may also be GAY!

When I was young, like many boys, I would be shy and blush with the girl I liked. I also had a rebellious puppy love in middle school. The only difference is that I would secretly look at the handsome boy a few more times.

After entering college, a flood of information and people entered my world. While I am attracted to girls, I often cannot suppress my inner "peeping" at boys.

"I'm probably GAY!" I began to doubt myself.

I once tried to have an emotional relationship with a boy, but that boy quickly disappeared from my world after I lent him money.

Looking back on this experience of losing both life and money, I felt that at that time, in addition to hating the gay community with gritted teeth, I also fell into confusion and panic.

I began to live in panic. It was difficult to accept that I was gay, and I was worried about how to face my parents and friends. From then on, I began to deliberately control the distance between myself and the men around me.

The appearance of the school girl temporarily pulled my thoughts out of the gay circle.

When I first met her, she was wearing a light blue short skirt. She asked me professional questions in a graceful and elegant manner, quoted from classics, and spoke elegantly, which made me fall in love with her.

During the conversation, she suddenly frowned, her face changed slightly, and she covered her belly. After looking around carefully, she apologized softly and got up to leave. I looked at her hurried back with some confusion. The faint red mark on her skirt caught my attention. I suddenly woke up, walked forward quickly, and handed her the coat I took off. Her face turned red, she thanked me, wrapped her coat around her and left quickly.

From a male aesthetic point of view, I think she is a cute girl who can attract me.

Like the plot of a cliché novel, she returned the washed clothes with a light fragrance to me, and our relationship became closer. After a few months of acquaintance, she frequently expressed her affection for me. Late at night, I often think of this girl's crimson cheeks, and my heart beats loudly.

"I shouldn't be gay, I should only like girls." I began to comfort myself.

As her offensive became more and more fierce, I was defeated. Like any couple, we started dating, finding ways to make each other happy, and even got to the end of it.

It was my 20th birthday during the summer vacation. She took a five-hour green car ride to my hometown. I walked with her under the bright moonlight, helped her smooth her wind-blown hair, and looked at her blushing face. I think it would be great to stay with her like this for the rest of my life.

But I always feel like there is a vague fire in my heart, which ignites from time to time and scratches my heart. When I go shopping with her, I still take a few restless glances at the handsome boy.

Before the raging fire ignited, this relationship also ended with the appearance of the school girl’s ex. The school girl proposed to break up and get back together with her ex.

After a short period of sadness, I ushered in a long emotional gap. Looking back on my own experiences, I began to realize that I was bisexual. I went from confused to disgusted with my own sexuality.

I turned my attention to the Internet and carefully shared my experience.

"Have you dated and had sex with both boys and girls? This is too casual and corrupt!"

"You are already in the GAY circle, and you are looking for girls to cover up. You are such a disaster!”

Looking through the comments under my post, these words stabbed me like needles. Since then, I have often had nightmares in which others ridiculed me, and my parents and friends yelled at me.

I hated myself and buried my heart and past deeply until my second boyfriend appeared.

We met on a photography forum. He impressed me with his superb photography skills. I shamelessly took photos of the rainbow fart and pestered him for photography advice via WeChat. We got to know each other gradually.

One night late at night, we talked about emotional topics. He suddenly confessed to me.

"I'm actually GAY. After getting along for a few months, I like you very much. Are you willing to try it with me?"

My heart was beating fast. I quickly typed "I do" on the screen. When I was ready to send it, I paused. Worry about my own uncertainty held me back. I seemed to be split in two, torn apart.

Seeing that I didn’t reply, he offered to come to Changsha to see me next month.

A month later, in the lobby of Changsha South Railway Station, I told him my location on the phone while looking around. Suddenly I was hugged from behind. The familiar scent of Jo Malone sage and sea salt penetrates my sense of smell. This is a men's fragrance that I've mentioned in passing.

Just like when I first saw the crimson cheeks of my school girl, I knew that my heart was moved.

After sending him to the hotel and giving him some warnings, I was ready to go back to school. When he went out, he blinked his clear eyes and pulled my sleeve pitifully, hoping that I would stay. I relented.

At night, I don’t know how I should face her as a bisexual. Inferiority and joy are like two pythons intertwined, tumbling in my heart.

Suddenly, I noticed a strange movement beside me. "I miss you so much, please hug me!" Like a child whispering, he hooked his arms around my neck. His coquettish tone was the same as hers! For a moment, I even heard my own thundering heartbeat.

After being held by him until dawn, I gently pushed him away, packed up in a panic, and prepared to go out.

I will never forget his tone of begging me not to leave. But I didn't look back and ran out of the door.

After feeling relieved, my heart ached.

I’m worried that he won’t be able to accept that I’m bisexual, that everything he does is deception, and I numb myself that there won’t be love between same-sex people.

When I turned it on again five hours later, 49 missed calls and 75 messages were displayed. He sent a text message begging for my attention, saying that if I didn’t show up, he wouldn’t leave.

My heart is turned upside down.

At this time, his call came in again. I held the phone tremblingly, and after hesitating for a long time, I gritted my teeth and finally connected.

His crying voice touched the softest part of my heart. I didn't shed much tears, so I choked with sobs and simply told him all the past that was buried deep in my heart.

"I really don't care! Please come and see me!" he yelled.

I saw him anxiously. After the door was closed, I was hugged by him. I feel that my true self is beginning to be accepted by this real world.

After getting along, I was surprised to find that the mental happiness and physical pleasure he brought me were no different from those of heterosexual people.

The feelings between him, her and me are all love! Why does my love need to be divided by so many worldly standards? You and I agree, and it is enough to be as comfortable as sleeping in a sun-bathed bed in winter.

Bisexuality makes me twice as likely to encounter love in my short life as ordinary people, which is not a blessing. But this blessing also brought me stress.

Although same-sex love has been accepted by many people, they still suffer from social prejudice. Bisexuals, who are even more marginalized than gays and lesbians, have received even less support and understanding. The fear, discrimination or hatred of bisexual people has even given rise to biphobia (BIPHOBIA). Biphobia is not necessarily related to homophobia. The stereotypes of "polyamorous" and "promiscuous" are often targeted at bisexuals.

Perhaps it is due to Mr. Lu Xun's "just concentrated" sentence, "Human beings' joys and sorrows are not the same, but I only think they are noisy." There are few true empathy in the world. If heterosexuality and homosexuality are day and night, I think bisexuality is the short period of time when day and night alternate.

Bisexual people do not confuse gender. Although they are acceptable to both male and female bodies, not everyone can have sex with them. "Promiscuity" and "promiscuity" exist in every group, and bisexuals do not mean people with chaotic private lives.

Psychoanalyst Karen Horney once said, "One of the greatest contributions of modern anthropology is to continuously expand the scope of 'normal people.'" Bisexuals are nothing like monosexuals Different, breathing under the same blue sky can shine in all walks of life.

As the saying goes, "What is reasonable is real", we are not monsters.

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