A few jokes that hurt my stomach.

One day, when Tom was driving in the street, he found his friend John crying by the roadside.

So Tom got off the bus and asked John what had happened.

John pointed to the crashed car by the side of the road and said, "Look there!" " "

Tom comforted after seeing the car and said, "Never mind! Buy a new car after the car is destroyed! "

John added, "Look in the car." Tom looked into the car and said, "Never mind! My girlfriend is dead, find a new one! "

John finally said, "Look at her mouth again ..."

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Two frogs fell in love. After they got married, they gave birth to a toad. When the male frog saw this, he was furious: "Bitch, what is this?"

Mother frog cried and said, "Dad, I had plastic surgery before I met you."

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Ivan wanted to drink, so he borrowed a silver coin from a Jew in the village. They discussed the terms: Ivan will pay twice as much money next spring, and at the same time, he will use the axe as collateral.

Ivan was about to leave when the Jews stopped him: Ivan, wait a minute. I remember one thing. It is difficult for you to collect two silver coins before next spring. Wouldn't it be better if you paid half now?

This made Ivan understand. He returned the silver coin, thought for a while on the road, and then said to himself, strange things, the silver coin is gone, the axe is gone, and I still owe a silver coin. That Jew is very reasonable.

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A taxi driver was driving on a lonely road late at night when a woman stopped. The driver found that the woman's face was white and her clothes were white. After getting on the bus, the woman whispered: Ziyun Mountain Villa, the second funeral home. The driver felt cold in his back. Fortunately, the journey was safe. After arriving at the destination, the woman opened the car door. The driver looked back and the woman suddenly disappeared. The driver was frightened and was about to drive away. Suddenly, a hand stretched out from the window. Someone said, Driver, please don't park your car near the sewer next time. Very annoying.

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One day, a beautiful girl, Xiao D, was reading alone in the dormitory. Suddenly, the phone rang. Little d raised the phone and fed it several times, but the other party never answered. At five o'clock in the afternoon, a similar call came again, which was the fifth time that day. Little d couldn't help it anymore: bah! Pervert!

At noon the next day, everyone was eating in the dormitory when the phone rang again. Little d mentioned first: bastard, I'll be rude if you don't talk!

Just across the street came a standard sexy male voice: hello, miss! This is the 20 1 telephone service center. We apologize for the system failure that affected some of your calls yesterday. Now we have eliminated the fault, but we still need your help to carry out the following test. ...

Lovely little d immediately said: good, good!

..... A mathematician drove home after measuring the data of Apollo 13 returning to Earth orbit from the universe. He got lost when the car drove out of the city. He asked the way several times before going home. After listening to his story, the son who is studying in elementary school said, Dad, fortunately, those astronauts in space don't know about it yet.

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I remember going to the swimming pool with my parents once. As soon as I entered the gate, I saw a social youth with a lifetime tattoo, a shaved head and a big gold chain around his neck! When we got into the water to get used to the temperature, we watched the brother swagger past a stop point in the water. Lightning happened and the thick gold chain around his neck floated on the water. ...

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Man: Was that your father just now?

Anonymous: It's not your father who is full.

A man: You're right, I'm not his son-in-law.

Anonymous: You ...

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A driver got lost in a foggy night, vaguely saw a road sign on the side of the road, and stopped his car.

But it was too foggy to see what was written on it, so I decided to climb up and have a look.

Finally climbed up and looked at the words on it: wet paint.

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One day, when Clinton was walking on the beach, he happened to see a bottle. He opened the bottle and a devil came out.

Clinton was surprised and said, I saved you, so can I have three wishes?

The devil shook his head and said, no, no, you know, now inflation, everything is rising. So I can only give you one wish now.

Without hesitation, Clinton took out a map from his pocket, pointed to it and said, Look, this is the Middle East. I hope these countries can stop the war and achieve peace.

The devil looked at the map and exclaimed, Hey! Even if you don't look, these countries have been fighting for thousands of years. Although I'm good, I'm not that good. No, no, I can't do this. Think of something else

......

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Bell is called the most optimistic person.

On this day, flash floods broke out and flooded the village. Bell sits on the roof of his house and sings happily.

The neighbor rowed to his house and shouted, Bell, all your ducks have been washed away!

It doesn't matter. They can all swim.

Your wheat is also flooded.

It doesn't matter, anyway, this year is a poor harvest year.

Great, I'm just about to clean the window, which saves me a lot of trouble! A remote and backward mountain village needs to install electric lights from the town 30 miles away. Someone in the village objected to this: Oh, my God! Waiting for it to come from such a far place every night, at least in the middle of the night, when we are all asleep, light some lights!

Humorous jokes hurt the stomach.

First, if you don't take the test of Beiyou, you will take the test-puppy love comes first!

Second, the ambiguity is that I asked you for money, but you didn't say it, nor did you say it, only that my husband was not at home. ...

Third, why didn't I die? That's because I'm waiting to die! Why did I kill and set fire? That's because I want to die!

Part I: How worried is China Olympic Men's Team? Part two: It's like a group of eunuchs visiting a brothel. Horizontal criticism: no one will shoot.

Fifth, set up a stall ... make money ... Japanese wife ... have children ... and then set up a stall!

Say, do you want to die or not?

7. What is more troublesome than meeting a bitch is ... meeting two bitches at the same time.

Eight, love is made!

Nine, even if I am a piece of shit, I am also a piece of thoughtful shit!

Ten, it is the son who can't control it, and the daughter who can't stand it.

Eleven, in the shower, do not disturb, peep, please buy a ticket, 40 individuals, 20 groups!

Twelve, I always wander between cow A and cow C.

Thirteen, how many cabbages will sleep with me?

The foreign girl who doesn't study in our school doesn't know that she is a bird-no wonder Zhao Chuan is so sad when she sings this song …

As an animal, I feel a lot of pressure …

16. Don't think that just because a girl is beautiful can make me tempted, at least she is stupid enough!

Seventeen, some troubles are imaginary, but we regard them as real.

Eighteen, Tang Yan meat can live forever, Tang Yan shit don't know if there is the same effect?

You can live like a pig, but don't be happy like a pig.

Twenty, strongly protest against TV dramas being broadcast during advertising time!

Twenty-one, the present dream is not used to realize, because it is nothing to put the dream in front of reality.

Twenty-two, classic to the point of death.

Twenty-three, someone always said in front of me: live first, then live. But I found that when you are busy with life, life is gone.

When I see a beautiful woman, I will first touch my pocket to see if I have any money!

Twenty-five, the peacock tried to open the screen, but it showed its ass!

Twenty-six, loneliness is that someone is talking and no one is listening; You have nothing to say when someone is listening!

I finally found the road to success, but the intersection is under construction.

Twenty-eight, foreign officials bump into people and conceal their identity, otherwise it is a scandal; Domestic officials must be confident in beating people and take out their certificates to scare you to death!

Twenty-nine, how I want to grow old with you accidentally.

Thirty years old, and soon I will have the worst grades with the schoolmasters. I still feel a little shy. ∩_∩

Thirty-one, life is sometimes like being raped by a eunuch-resistance is pain, not resistance is still pain!

Thirty-two, not for coquettish, but for touching the world with lewdness.

There is no trace of birds in the sky, but I have flown!

Thirty-four, don't eat meat!

Thirty-five, my hands are willing to be rough for women.

Thirty-six, some people are born in the car, others are pregnant in the subway, Beijing is really a vibrant city …

Thirty-seven, rich house, that is called humble abode; Rich people are depressed, which is called melancholy.

I really want to tell you not to smile at me with a fake Mona Lisa, because my stomach can't stand it.

39. Choosing a name is really important. That day, I saw a person with a unique name, called "Silver Sword"; Unfortunately, his surname is "Fan".

Forty, the heart is like a snake and scorpion. To match your human face and animal heart. Why not?

4 1. I am in Jianghu, but there is no legend of me in Jianghu.

A joke that makes you laugh.

A collection of jokes that make you laugh.

1. The father saw his son in front of the cinema and said angrily, "You don't know anything about learning. You only watch movies. Nine times out of ten, I see you here! " The son said, "I am less than you once!" " "

2. "I have observed her in the park for a long time. She sat there quietly drinking beer, her eyes were red, as if she had something on her mind. In an instant, all kinds of questions about this mysterious beauty flashed in my mind. Seeing her drinking the third can of beer on the bench, she looked around, and there were still many chats waiting for the opportunity. She couldn't hesitate any longer. I got up the courage to go forward first and asked her with concern, "Girl, do you still want this jar?" "

In order to attract business, a gas station put up a signboard: anyone who buys gasoline can get a local map for free.

One day, a foreigner drove his car into a gas station. He added 5 yuan of gasoline and asked for a free map.

The waiter said, "What do you need a map for? With the little gasoline you bought, I just need to point out where you are going. " As soon as an alcoholic got home and lay down, he was beaten by a woman and said that he was absent-minded.

The drunkard said, "I'm not drunk. Why did you hit me? "

The woman beat and scolded: "Are you still drunk? Even the room is wrong! "

The drunkard squinted at the woman and said, "Sorry, it's not my wife ..."

As soon as he finished speaking, he was severely hit on the head: "Bullshit, I'm your wife, and I went to visit my neighbor's house!" " "

4. A tax official wandered around the slaughterhouse and wanted to buy a pig's head. The person in charge quickly said, "Pig's head is cheap. You can cut more at the back of the pig's neck if you like. " "Then you can cut it by sticking your tail," said the tax official.

I once went out to play and stayed at a distant relative's house for two days. There is a custom that children's urine is the cleanest, so they use boys' urine to cook eggs, saying it is healthy. I dare not eat, but people are very enthusiastic and keep urging me to eat. I have no choice but to say: I don't like eggs. My relatives are cuter. Hey, have some soup.

6. The tortoise and the rabbit ran three times. The rabbit tripped three times and broke its foot. Finally, the tortoise won. Afterwards, the rabbit said to the tortoise, today is really unlucky. I tripped over something three times. The tortoise said to himself, today is also very unlucky. I got kicked while climbing ... I got kicked three fucking times!

7. A man's weakness is that he dares to promise anything at the banquet;

A woman's weakness is that she can imagine everything in love.

8. The first person who used qq to be invisible in the world was Jing Nv in the Western Zhou Dynasty, as evidenced by the poem Jing Nv: Jing Nv, I was in the corner. Deliberately hiding for me to find, scratching my head. A very demure mm asked me to meet on qq, but as soon as I got online, she became invisible and made me scratch my head.

9. The priest said to the farmer who bought his horse and carriage, "This horse can only understand the language of the church. "If you say," Thank God, it will run away "; It won't stop until you say "Praise God".

Farmers are skeptical about this. He tried to shout, "Thank God", only to see the horse galloping at once, faster and faster; When one ran to the edge of the cliff, the frightened farmer remembered the password to stop it and said, "Praise God"; Sure enough, the horse stopped, and the farmers who survived the accident breathed a sigh of relief: "Thank God ..." "

10, three people tied the chain in front of the ATM and tied the bumper of the trailer at one end, trying to tear off the shell of the ATM. As a result, it was not the shell of the ATM that was torn off, but the bumper of the trailer. They fled the scene in a hurry, but the ATM was still tied with chains, and the bumper was still tied with chains, and the license plate of the car was still hung on the bumper.

1 1. The young lady caught a habitual thief and left all the policemen at a loss. The policeman asked her, "Where did you get such great courage?" The wife said, "I thought it was my husband who came back so late."

12, General Muhammad is very concerned about the lives of soldiers. One day, he ran to the kitchen and wanted to taste the food the soldiers ate themselves.

He approached the soup pot and said, "Give me a spoonful."

A sergeant said cautiously, "But, General ..."

"Shut up, he interrupted the sergeant, grabbed the spoon and drank several spoons in a row. Finally, he cried, "What kind of soup is this? Just a pot of water. Everyone stood there, at a loss

Finally, the sergeant mumbled, "Yes, general, this is a pot of water."

13. Go fishing with friends. A man catches a kettle, then an umbrella, then a leather shoe. He said to the other trembling, "Let's go. It seems that someone lives here.

14. In the vegetable market, people gathered around several cars and complained about picking green onions, saying that the green onions were too short and the leaves were too long. Vegetable farmers said humorously that everything goes with fate, and now it is popular to keep hair! ?

15, the unit wants to allocate rooms, and the wife urges Xiao Wang to invite the director to dinner to contact feelings. Not to mention the scene, his wife nudged him, and the director likes to write in his spare time. At the dinner table, Xiao Wang said, "The director is a literary lover. I have read many of your masterpieces. The director is modest and complacent. After watching the play, Xiao Wang continued to play while the iron was hot. He looked at the dark and fat director and blurted out, "It's really a glittering gold mine.

16, go to dinner with friends. Two people ate 300 yuan. This meal is terrible. I'm not full. I'm very upset. I scolded my friend: fuck, 300 feed the dog. The friend nodded and said, "Yes, yes". Neither of them reacted and went home happily. . . . .

17, beggar: "to tell you, I have 100 many ways to make money."

Entrepreneur: "Then why do you ... beg?"

Beggar: "This is also one of the methods inside."

18, "My girlfriend told me: If I bury you underground, I will reap a lot in autumn;

I replied, "In fact, you don't have to go to so much trouble to bury us in the quilt. You will gain a lot in autumn."

19. A buddy bought a new pair of trousers and went camping with a group of friends one day, but the trouser legs were too long and uncomfortable to wear. Before going to bed at night, he said to himself, "If only his trouser legs were short 10 cm." Say that finish, then casually put pants outside the tent. His words were heard by three girls who liked him. The next day, he got up and found that his pants were 30 centimeters short.

20. When my son didn't go to college, he found an old classmate who was the chairman of a state-owned enterprise.

The chairman is very frank: let him be the deputy general manager with a monthly salary of 50 thousand, and just hold a regular meeting every day

Me: Just give me a general location.

Chairman: Assistant to the General Manager with a monthly salary of 20,000 yuan. Just pour tea for the general manager.

Me: Let's start with an ordinary salesman.

Chairman: Our salesman must have at least a master's degree, and the salary is very low, and sometimes he still owes wages!

2 1, dad drank too much and fell asleep when he got home. After sleeping for a while, I suddenly sat up and said, "Shuishui's son poured a bowl of water for his father, and his father took it and drank it. Then he grabbed a few handfuls on the wall and fell asleep again." After a while, my father got up again and called for water. My son poured another bowl of water. After drinking, my father grabbed a handful on the wall. The son wondered why his father did this, so he poured a bowl of water and drank it off like his father. Unexpectedly, he also grabbed the wall and cursed: "Shit, it's so hot!" "

22. Some fish were kept in the building, and the guards found a special phenomenon:

The French will sit by the fish pond and enjoy the atmosphere before going to work.

On the other hand, Americans don't stop and walk directly.

The Japanese will carefully observe and find that the fish-raising equipment and fish are Japanese, and then they will leave happily.

China people will look around first and then ask the doorman, "Is this fish delicious?" The leaders visited Miluo, Hunan Province, and the local tourism bureau was responsible for the reception. Walking down a mountain, the tour guide said to the tour leader, "There is a scenic spot ahead." The tour leader asked, "What scenic spot?" The tour guide said, "It's a spring called Quyuan Spring", and the tour leader asked, "What spring?" The tour guide repeated: "Quyuan Spring." The leader scoffed, "I can pinyin"! "

23. A man saw a note on the ground that said, "Dig 5 meters underground and you will find the treasure." "So he dug a pit 5 meters deep. As a result, he found another note, which said, "Dig down 10 meters and you will find the treasure." So he dug 10 meter again. Finally, he found another note that said, "I'm just joking with you." Now try to climb up. " "

24. In the evening, Lao Li invited some of our old friends to dinner. When the wine is hot, everyone is talking about the ridiculously high house prices. Chatting and chatting, I talked about the cemetery unconsciously. Lao Li said: "Now the price of the cemetery is rising year by year, and the price per unit area of a good cemetery is much higher than the house price. I can't afford to die. I have chosen a cemetery a while ago, and I heard that the price is still rising. " Lao Wang said enviously, "after hearing what you said, I also want to buy a cemetery." Lao Li, please help me find it and tell me if it is suitable. " Lao Li said enthusiastically, "Just wait for the good news. If there is a suitable place, I will tell you first. " However, if you need it urgently, please use mine first. "Lao Wang. . .

25. A, B and C see a psychologist.

A: "I want to jump off a building.

B: "I want to lie on the runway."

"C:" I want to get married.

After hearing this, the psychologist said to C, "You are the most suicidal of the three people."

26. There were few visitors at a solo exhibition held by a painter. Then a little old man in his fifties came to the painter. Old man: Do you sell this painting? Painter: Of course. How many copies do you want? Old man: All of them. Tie them up quickly. The painter was very surprised and asked, What do you do? Old man: A waste collector.

27. The little match girl lit the last match. The fire gradually flashed, and a pattern loomed on the wall: tear it down!

28. A photographer friend often tells me that agile observation and capture are the most important things in this industry.

I was taking a nap at noon that day. He came to my bed softly and poked around, jerked off the quilt, raised the camera and shouted, "Please don't invite me to dinner? No, I can press the shutter! !

29. A customer went to the barber shop for a haircut.

Customer: "How much is a haircut?"

Barber: "10 yuan"

Customer: "It's so expensive! You see, I am a bald person. "

The barber looked at it and said, "Three dollars for a barber and seven dollars for a haircut." .

30. The reaction of people at home and abroad when they see glowing photos of human bodies.

Foreigner: It's amazing. I didn't expect our bodies to be so wonderful under the action of light, and even wrinkles seemed so attractive.

Domestic: Ask for a set of drawings.

3 1, my buddy met a foreigner who sold handicrafts on a street stall. The buddy chose one and asked how much it was. The foreigner stretched out his thumb and forefinger. The elder brothers shook their heads and held out five fingers. The foreigner didn't argue any more, so he simply packed the handmade goods for his buddies. After the buddy left, the foreigner sincerely praised him: "China people are really rich and so generous in shopping: I asked him for 20 yuan, but he gave me 50 yuan."

32. One day, the prison staff registered a crime and asked a middle-aged prisoner in his forties, "Excuse me, what is the reason for your imprisonment?" The prisoner sighed and replied, "Young and inexperienced." The staff asked inexplicably, "Are you over 40 years old this year?" The prisoner replied, "I don't mean me, I mean my defense lawyer."

33. Village officials are rats. On his birthday, his subordinates chipped in and gave him a gold mouse to please him. The village official accepted it happily and said, "Do you know my wife's birthday in a few days? She is a cow! " "

34. Recently, the 3d version of Smurfs was released, and many people pursued their childhood memories! The reporter interviewed an uncle: "Do you think the new Smurfs look good?" Big brother: "Not bad?" Reporter: "What do you think of this compared with the old edition?" Buddy: "Cough! To tell you the truth, my family used to be poor. The TV station used a black-and-white TV when it was broadcast. I can't tell they are blue at all.

35. One day, the leader visited the prison, and the prisoners collectively presented the chorus "We are the successors of socialism". The leaders are in distress situation. Out of courtesy, the leaders clapped their hands and encouraged them to have another drink. So the prisoners sang a song "Guests from afar please stay" with deep affection.

36. On the bus that day, suddenly a young woman said, "Look at you, you stepped on my foot and didn't even fart." A man said calmly and slowly, "I'm sorry for stepping on your foot." If I fart to you again, am I still human? " Suddenly, a burst of laughter broke out in the carriage.

37, primary school biology class:

Teacher: "Our pollution control is natural".

Classmate: "Why do you say that?" .

Teacher: "The garbage is blown by the wind and the sewage is evaporated."

There are many people on the bus during the evening rush hour. Bald and domineering department office door up. Someone shouted: "Bao caught the driver's head and didn't look back:" Didn't anyone catch it? "So I continued to drive. At the next stop, the driver opened the door and said, "Take out your bag." Ignored, the driver was furious: "didn't you say it was a double package?" "Who the hell is playing me?" Someone replied weakly, "The bag came up when the person who turned over the bag didn't come up."

39. One day when I went to the park and wanted to play on the swing in front, I went over to discuss with the children who were playing: Are you alone, son? The child looked at me and nodded, so I smiled and said to him, then let me play, or I will kill you.

40. Just now, a man was riding a bike. There is a drainage ditch about one meter by the roadside. He is talking on the phone while riding a bike. When our car passed by, he turned and went into the ditch. He's good at this. He jumped out of the car and jumped straight into the ditch. . . .

Joke Daquan laughs your stomach off.

Joke Daquan laughs your stomach off.

1, red beans don't grow in the south, but grow on my face. I miss you so much!

2. I'm drunk and I'm not satisfied with anyone. Just hold the wall!

3. Knowledge is like underwear, which is invisible but important.

Although you wear cologne, I can still vaguely smell that scum.

5. Men don't make money, women are anxious, and men make money and women regret it.

6. How to lose weight if you don't have enough to eat?

7. When I love you, you are what you say. What do you say you are when I don't love you?

I thought I was decadent, and I didn't know that my morning paper was scrapped until today.

9. Parents fool their children into calling education; Children fool their parents and say that their parents are derailed; Fooling each other is called the generation gap.

10, if people don't attack me, I won't attack; If people offend me, comity three points; If people force me again, I'll give you an injection; People still attack me and kill the grass.

1 1. Protect yourself and love others. Please don't come out in the middle of the night to scare people.

12, don't call me if you have nothing to do, and don't call me if you have anything to do.

13, not afraid of enemies like tigers, but afraid of teammates like pigs!

14, Ming Sao is easy to hide and hard to prevent.

15, God didn't give me much responsibility, but it still made my heart ache and tired.

16, things are often like this, and it is too late to turn back. Even if you are willing to be a bad horse, there may not be a returning grass waiting for you.

You have to work hard! For your Audi, my Dior.

18, there is love besides teeth.

19, the piano, chess and calligraphy are not good, and washing and cooking are too tiring.

Please don't take my tolerance for you as your shameless capital.

2 1, don't say sorry to me, because we don't matter.

22, saying that money is evil, it is fishing; Say beauty is a disaster, everyone wants it; It is said that the height is too cold and everyone is climbing; Say that alcohol and tobacco hurt the body and don't quit; Say heaven is the best, don't go!

23, hands in pockets, nobody loves.

24. I like you so much that you will die.

25. It doesn't matter if your head is empty. The key is not to get into the water.

26. I am relieved to know that you are not doing well.

27, shameless, if done well, it is called excellent psychological quality!

28, hum, the most rogue in winter, always like to freeze my hands and feet.

29. If the exam could reward QB, the country would have been rich and strong.

30. Youth is dedicated to the house and middle age to the children.

3 1, I forgot to scold you at ordinary times, and I didn't know that I was both civil and military until I hit you.

32, after breaking up, you when I sacrifice me when you die, finished.

33, everyone loves, flowers bloom and fall, and the car sees a flat tire!

I allow you to walk into my world, but I don't allow you to walk around in my world.

35. I am convinced that a person will come to this world because of my torture.

36. Journey to the West tells us that all monsters with backstage were taken away, and those without backstage were killed by a stick.

37. Our goal: Look at the money and earn more.

38. After studying for more than ten years, I think it is better to mix kindergartens!

39. My advantages are: I am handsome; But my shortcoming is that I am not handsome.

40. When I was a child, I thought I could save the world when I grew up. When I grow up, I find that the whole world can't save me.

4 1. The happiness of an ostrich is just a pile of sand.

42. There are no couples who can't live without it, only mistresses who don't work hard.

43. Don't talk to me about ideals and quit!

44. If you fall, get up and cry again.

45. Teacher, I met a robber, but my homework was robbed.

46. People have backgrounds, and people have backgrounds.

47. How many students lost to the last part of the text: reciting the full text.

48, salted fish turn over, or salted fish.

49. Dream interpretation is the earliest wireless communication method in human history.

50. A woman without talent is a virtue. I must be too evil.