In 2017, the sky is gray and blue early, and it’s not too late to say goodbye.

In 2017, the sky turns gray and blue early, and it’s not too late to say goodbye.

The endless 2017.

It was at the end of 2017 that I suddenly realized that there was a culprit responsible for the pain.

A very typical hindsight and being in the middle of the game.

I prayed for the worst to be spared but it came true.

No year has been more painful than this one. 2017 was a landmark victory.

Positive like me, but also very sad.

Of course, there will still be painful days in this life, so I don’t need to be anxious.

When people get older, they feel that time passes quickly. By the time I realized how fast time had passed, I was already old.

So for me, this year is not enough time.

I don’t watch movies, variety shows, or TV. I think one hour is too long and a waste of time. I think there is too much nonsense and no nutrition. Even though I have no idea what meaningful things I am doing during these times that do not waste my life.

But the time is still very fast. Year by year.

I do a lot of things in a hurry. everything.

What was I busy doing, and where did my unwasted time go?

I don’t know.

In 2017, my life was cut into several segments.

There is a period of days watching the game, a period of days looking forward to watching the game, and a transition period between these two periods.

The matter of "chasing stars" has seriously affected my life. All my emotional sustenance and joys, sorrows and joys come from this.

Of course, pain is much more lasting and profound than happiness. Happiness is a minority, a luxury suppressed by pain.

I am suffering endless pain with the time I don’t have enough.

It would be fine if you don’t love. I thought so at the time.

"Then can you teach me."

"Teach me how to not love others."

January.

"Today? Today? The stars are twinkling."

I was wearing a white cotton coat, holding the flowers I took from Zhou Yu the day before, walking in Hefei in the early morning, like a flower. Big drunken quail.

On the evening of December 31, 2016, I was lucky enough to receive Zhou Yu’s flowers after missing the captaincy.

I told myself, hey, cheer up, good luck is coming.

In the second half of the year, I reluctantly went to the temple to ask for a lottery ticket, but it was rare for me to get an upper lottery ticket - before that, all my lottery tickets were lower and lower.

Is good luck really coming?

February.

"I have no regrets for you."

This is the eighth year.

The public account’s Mr. Dengdeng has finally finished serializing.

I have forgotten many things about Mr. Dengdeng, and I don’t even have the emotion of reluctance when I say goodbye.

I think I just need the ritual of saying goodbye.

"The same thing, when I think about myself at that time, feels very strange.

But when I think about others at that time, it feels very close to this moment."

I was deeply touched when I saw this sentence in an article.

What I miss is just myself who worked hard, was fresh, brave, and risked everything for love.

The other people in those days, who really existed, were both near and far away.

What about me? As for me, over the years, I have finally become a different person.

I don’t think I deserve any regrets.

I am not sad for Mr. Dengdeng.

However, I really liked him at that time.

March.

"You come and go like the wind? My heart is full and empty."

March begins in anticipation.

Looking forward to the direct connection at the beginning of the month and the meeting in the middle of the month.

I have told myself more than once not to be true to my feelings.

But apart from tears, I can't find any other way to express it.

The host said, let us look forward to the second phase of direct access.

The fireworks fell, and the teammates around him applauded. He gritted his teeth, wrinkled his nose, and tried to control his expression. The whole place was lively and deserted, but he was the only one who felt out of place.

Yes, he is nobody, he is ZJK.

Everyone said, wait for him to come back. I said yes.

If only I knew this was just the beginning.

It would be fine if I didn’t love you.

Perhaps it was my pious heart that finally moved God a little bit. On an ordinary working day in March, the staff called me to ask if I was interested in participating in the event in Shanghai on March 15. ——Captain’s meeting.

Of course.

I have planned everything for this day and I have waited long enough.

I woke up smiling from a sweet dream on Tuesday morning. I opened the curtains and the sun glared at my eyes.

In the dream, I asked the captain, Captain, can I take a photo with you. The captain's face was pale and he said yes without any temper.

Just like the real thing.

When I was actually chosen to take a group photo on stage at the event, I thought, it might as well be a dream.

I planned everything.

I have practiced countless times in front of the mirror how to smile most beautifully. How much should I retract my chin so that I don’t have a double chin and make my face look smaller? How much arc should I make when I smile so that my lips are not greasy? The exposed teeth are just right. The whitest.

I think if I have the opportunity to take pictures with the captain, I will definitely be the best-looking one.

Even if it is not possible, I feel extremely sweet just thinking about it all.

But everything was better than I imagined.

I got signed tickets for the table tennis match of the Rio Olympic Games from the captain, took a photo with the captain, and talked to the captain... I told the captain, take care of your health - a sentence that sounded like... A bit of a joke.

And I just want him to be healthy and happy. When I got to him, I couldn't say anything.

It is my words that fail to convey my meaning, and it is also my thousand words.

"Yuanyuan ***, when I meet him once, the happiness is so fresh."

But when we don't meet. My heart is empty.

April.

"Don't be too far away from me. Turn around and see each other at a glance

I miss you when we are ten meters apart."

April Wuxi Asian Championships . I had already made the plan to travel even if I couldn't see you two.

But it’s hard to avoid feeling sad when you can’t see it anymore.

All the luck in March has been used up.

When arriving in Wuxi, the captain lost the foreign war for the first time.

It was really sad to see him lose.

I watched the captain pick up the towel expressionlessly, shake hands with the opponent referee as usual, and then leave the venue with the fans crying "Ma Long".

Ma Long, I shouted.

What is he thinking at this time?

I dare not speculate on what my captain was thinking at that moment. That would be too transgressive.

I was just wondering, would my captain be tired?

"The mortal world is insignificant and God's will separate you and me."

In March, the direct connection to Shenzhen, the first World Table Tennis Championships was announced after the first round of the big cycle. Singles quota.

There was a man standing in the team biting his lip, listening to the host calling his name - he had withdrawn from the game because of a foot injury.

He stretched out his hands to signal to us. The fireworks fell with a plop at the wrong time. The roaring cheers in the venue did not belong to him.

I looked at this man holding his head proudly, and the stars in his eyes were about to fall. He sniffed and pursed his lips hard. He seemed to smile a little.

The camera panned across the venue, his teammates applauding, and his face intertwined with the crowd. The national flag, team uniforms, banners, and cheap fireworks sequins kept flying down, like the ending of the story - making him feel like a late hero.

But he is only 29 years old - just a few years ago, he was the protagonist of Direct.

Why so cruel?

My hero. What was he thinking at that moment?

I said I was waiting for him to come back and I wanted him to be healthy.

He came back that day in Wuxi.

I was worried about his injury, but also happy about his victory.

The fans’ eyes were red because of his injury, but I was no better than them. The pain that I felt through the screen was not strong, and I was not even willing to admit the slight disdain for calling him, but they all turned into tears and roars when I saw him.

I used to be crazy about him uncontrollably - no different from the "brainless fans" that others disdain.

ZJK wants to be healthy——

But, he wants to win.

He was my love that I didn’t want to admit. But at a certain moment, the intensity and speed made me feel that I truly loved him.

When the whole audience sang "Xin Zang Zang" for him, I finally sang bravely - even moved myself to tears.

Convey my love to this person.

I think. Hope he's doing well. All is well.

Ah, I love him so much.

These two people. Just these two people.

You can sing it ten thousand times as if you are an old friend.

"Even if the delay cannot be avoided, please let me discover it before you leave."

Don't stay too far away from me, okay.

May.

"You love me and I want you to come and go. How lucky you are to be paired together."

When I started writing young love stories in elementary school, a boy told me that love is in the story. MSG, just add a little bit of seasoning.

I remember this sentence to this day.

As I grew up, one day I suddenly discovered that MSG was no longer used in cooking at home. Mom said, is there any benefit to eating something like MSG?

I think so. Love is inherently as dispensable and even toxic as MSG.

When I fell in love with someone in middle school, I almost stepped into the abyss of MSG, but I only watched from a distance.

When I got older, I learned how to eat in restaurants, and I wondered how the food outside could be so delicious. I joked that it was probably because a bucket of MSG was added. But when I first ate it, I didn’t think it was delicious—little by little, I couldn’t stop eating MSG.

It dawned on me.

Love? MSG? Self-protection or cherishing life or reasons so complicated that I can’t even explain them. I’m not looking forward to it but I don’t know whether I love it or am afraid of it. And there was not even a single trace of MSG in my story.

Tasty, poisonous. MSG and love.

If one day I have the opportunity to eat poisonous MSG, maybe I will love it to death.

Don’t talk about MSG, I can’t even eat basic meals.

In the first few days of May, the youngest woman in the communication class got married.

It was promised in the past that no matter who got married, everyone would be present, but in the end, not all of them were present. Ah, this stupid sense of collective belonging.

A married woman is happy.

She married love, pursued her ideals, and lived her own life.

I really envy her. real.

I am neither married to MSG nor engaged in job hunting, and I am still confused.

The teachers saw me at the dinner table and said that I had lost weight again.

Of course, because I did not engage in the job that the teacher hoped for. I let him down.

I laughed.

And the sentence "You have lost weight" is really not a good compliment to me now.

This is equivalent to saying to me, why are you a little older again.

I have always kept in mind the fact that I was told that I looked like I was thirty when I was nineteen, and I hope that someone will still say this to me when I am forty or fifty.

When I was trying so hard to lose weight, I never thought that one day I would not want to lose weight, and even wish I could gain more weight.

It’s not just about losing weight. It's old.

It is barren. It's shriveled. It's desolate.

There is no one left.

June.

"The only thing Chengdu can't take away is you."

A June that I will never forget in this life.

It is a rare encounter in the vast world of the World Table Tennis Championships. Defending and side by side.

This is the saddest month in my life.

Not just loved ones, but also jobs and friends.

It’s a mess, it’s all a mess.

Things that can predict the outcome will never have too bad consequences.

Before going to Chengdu, I laughed at myself and thought that my luck would not be bad anymore.

Having said that, I never imagined that my trip to Chengdu would be so difficult.

Life is neither long nor short. I have been going for 24 years. Chengdu has been an experience that can be called a painful experience in my life, which is neither long nor short. I don't want to think about it. It tortures me so much that it hurts to think about it, and I am afraid to cry when I speak out about it. The unity of soul and body is a state, so my flesh and blood are separated, and my soul is out of body.

I have never listened to a song called "Chengdu" in its entirety before - even though folk songs and sentiments are so popular nowadays.

It is really difficult for me, who is stubborn, to try to accept a new thing. What's more, at this age, it's hard to distinguish between what you like and what's new.

This love is very precious.

What this means is that you can’t afford it, and the meaning is also heavy.

Pain is a comparative form.

I missed my captain on the last day of 2016. I thought it was the most painful time for me at that time. I cried like a homeless child at a station in a foreign land. I feel like nothing in the world is worse than what I was at that time. No one is worse than me before, and no one else is worse than me.

There is no place for emotions, and disappointment and pain follow closely.

Later there was Wuxi. Later there was Chengdu. Only then did I realize that there is no end to the pain, life is still going on, and the pain is endless.

On the morning of the day I went from Chongqing to Chengdu, I sang "Like an Old Friend Is Coming" on the reserved ride. My eyes warmed up and I thought, it can't be such a coincidence.

There are not many surprises in life, but regrets are always there.

The humidity and heat in Chengdu made Teacher Zhang’s waist react greatly. When I saw that he couldn't even bend down to pick up the ball, I knew that his injury was really serious.

Let’s take a walk on the streets of Chengdu with you. I look like a stick covered in scraps of cloth dangling.

It was also in this place that for the first time, I truly listened to a song called "Chengdu" in its entirety.

Teacher Zhang sang Chengdu.

The scene of him recording and broadcasting on a certain satellite TV happened to be in Chengdu, and it appeared in front of me at this time in Chengdu.

It was so cruel, and it finally became the last straw for me who was so vulnerable.

I thought I could survive it a little longer.

In the past year, I have spent more time crying than laughing, and the state of mourning lasts longer than the positive state. Happiness always lives under the rule of pain. It is clear that happiness is about to appear sometimes, but when you suddenly cough in pain, happiness seems out of place. Why be prepared for danger when you are in peace, remember the bitterness and remember the sweetness.

In such a state, happiness is restrained and short-lived, and is actually more painful than pain.

Another foreign land. 1872 kilometers. Really thousands of miles away, far away from mountains and rivers, this time I can't even feel the pain.

I thought to myself, what am I here for.

He sang, "Last night's wine was not the only thing that made me shed tears."

I never drink, so I won’t get drunk.

It was him who made me cry.

On June 23, I cheered up, but when I saw the captain’s Weibo, I collapsed instantly.

I don’t want to witness history. Why do I have to bear this?

I walked down the underground passage filled with blessings in despair, and my mind went blank.

What to do next.

What should I do. What do they do.

Chengdu. Chengdu. Chengdu.

I came to the place I wanted to come so much, met the people I wanted to see so much, and ate the food I wanted to eat so much. Nothing was achieved.

I have thought about it for so long and I have been looking forward to it for so long.

I will never come to Chengdu again.

God probably wants one of my things in exchange. If it's a brain, I don't have one. If you want something else, say so. Because I'm more afraid of my feelings than the things I have to sacrifice.

So, God, you name it.

I really love, love, love them.

Why should I love?

Take me out of Chengdu.

July.

"The radio is playing a classic song right now

Such a touching song? Why have I never heard it before?"

We moved out at the beginning of the month Moved from the original place to a new residence.

When I asked the moving company to come, I realized that there were so many things, and it turned out to be people who were living.

Then by changing to a new home, can we get rid of last month’s mourning?

The work in June was still a mess until July.

I have to take over a job that I am not good at at all, and I can't do anything. The result is clinging to another person and fishing in troubled waters, with no progress and a waste of time.

Originally, I only knew how to lie in an ant's nest.

I was like a frustrated heroine in a third-rate TV series, sitting on the escape staircase of an office building and looking at the blue sky cut out by squares, shedding emotionless tears.

Ah, I am so pitiful.

Self-impression is my strong point.

"The friendship of three people is a bit crowded."

But the friendship of self-righteousness is even more crowded.

Although the eldest brother is no longer young, he is still hurt by some crowded friendships.

I will never learn to play hard to get, and my characteristic is that I am eager to bear the burden of shaving my head.

So cheap, so unloved, so out of fashion.

When I figured this out, I thought. It doesn't matter if I don't have this friend, the other person doesn't really want to be my friend anyway.

But I still can't help but feel sad. I know, these are all my fault. Someone else said it before. It was me who deviated from their track, who quit first.

Yes. it's me.

At least it feels better to think so.

Wow. I am really a kind-hearted person who knows how to advance and retreat, a social person who understands propriety, a good old man who understands others, and a pitiful person who no one cares about.

In February, Teacher Zhang sang "Under Mount Fuji" in his live broadcast.

At that time I was not aware of this problem at all.

In July, the fan club finally released this video. Teacher Zhang’s voice was still full of determination.

He said he would persist until Tokyo.

I feel so ashamed. I actually doubted him at one point.

The trip to Tokyo feels more distant than ever.

I suddenly understood the meaning of his singing this song.

He said this more than once, and I thought it was just a train-running thing.

On New Year's Eve, he sang "Under Mount Fuji." On his birthday, he said he was looking forward to Tokyo. On the show, he said he still wanted to persevere. In the song, he sang "You know my dreams best."

I don’t understand, and I still doubt my love for him.

I was walking on the streets of Chengdu on the day Teacher Zhang withdrew from the competition in Chengdu. When I heard that Chengdu couldn’t take you away, I felt like a zombie with no strength at all.

I wonder what to do in the future.

Until July. Until this day.

I just understand.

Just, please.

Don’t go too far during your trip to Tokyo, okay?

August.

"When you are a teenager, do you wake up in a dream? When you wake up, you have to go back."

In August, a hip-hop program became popular.

I haven’t seen my brothers for more than 80 days.

I think, let me love others. Give it a try and love someone else.

That rapper sang, no longer had any reason to lie to himself, time is like a knife and is no longer gentle.

I simply can't do it.

I am a sentimental person.

My friends all say so. I love every one I see.

I thought so too. It would be nice if you didn't feel so sincerely when you love.

Then it doesn’t have to be so painful every time.

I have been thinking about going to the National Games at the end of the month for a long time but still haven’t gone. I don’t know if I will regret it if I go or if I don’t go.

It turned out to be the latter.

I hate being proud in defeat. I hate heroes dying. I hate competitive sports.

But I love them.

No one was around on my birthday.

I told myself that this is what I will do when I grow up.

I can’t remember how old I am.

The 18-year-old candle on the cake has not changed in several years?

September.

"You can climb the ladder to heaven along the way, and the night will be beautiful."

September is a chaotic month. I work overtime every day and am exhausted.

Is hard work useful when you can’t see the results?

When you predict that the outcome will be bad, do you still work hard?

I don’t know, no matter what others ask for, I just need to say yes.

No choice. No option required.

Someone in the office laughs at my hair volume every day. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or be angry. I can even dream about myself being bald. This is such a hurtful joke that I can’t laugh.

This matter has been on my mind since middle school.

So I went to get my hair permed.

But it failed.

I cried in a barber shop full of people. I cried so sadly that it seemed like all my hair would fall out in the next second.

October.

"If there is? I will let you be free."

I vowed to resign, so I planned a trip to use up my annual leave, and the destination was Qingdao.

Teacher Zhang’s home.

This city has its own flavor.

He made this city very cute - this very cute city also grew up a person who is one hundred percent adorable, one thousand percent adorable, and ten thousand percent adorable.

This is the first time this year that I am traveling purely for tourism without watching a game.

The few days I stayed in Qingdao were the happiest days for me this year.

I should set myself free.

November.

"I live better than millions of people?

Being surrounded likes the excitement and grandeur."

November is what life is like. There are no ups and downs of emotions, and life is filled with daily trivial matters.

My work is still unsatisfactory. After scolding me, I can only continue to work like a dog. I don’t have the courage and capital to leave if I am unhappy.

After work, I went to the market and felt very satisfied looking at the various dishes.

Before going to bed at night, I read books and do questions to pass my time. Occasionally I see interesting questions and post them. I feel that I have earned something, and I am happy and satisfied.

It was also in this seemingly stress-free situation that I suddenly figured out why I had been suffering this year.

It must be the year of animal life.

I didn’t realize it until this moment.

December.

"Is there a hateful lover in the world? God did not reach out to save me."

A complicated December. One sunny afternoon - actually earlier, I got some news.

My lovely captain has entered a new stage of life.

I can’t bless you immediately.

I know that my love cannot be revealed.

Like entangled intestines.

I can’t explain which emotion I am pure in. There is also love and hate.

It would be easier to escape. If you don’t love, there will be no pain.

I have heard it like an old friend coming to visit one thousand eight hundred times.

Are you still wearing cheering uniforms to cheer him on? Are you still writing him a letter that doesn't express your feelings? Do you still travel with his photos?

A flight of two thousand kilometers is not the farthest distance. In the dream, I hugged him so hard.

Do you still like it? Do you still need me to like it?

He never needed it.

And me. And I've never been able to do it.

No one can save me, not even gods.

It was exactly half a year before I saw the captain again. A full 183 days.

I suddenly understood a very simple thing.

If you like it, you just like it. If you don't like it, you don't like it.

No matter how hard you endure it, you still can’t help but like someone you like very much.

No matter how much you pretend to like someone you don’t like, you still can’t like them.

I said it last year.

What you like now is what you like now. What you like now will never happen again.

It’s true.

2017.

Look back at January.

For the first time in my life, the sign I received actually contained a piece of advice that would guide me throughout the year. It probably predicted all the things I would do this year.

“The more you accumulate, the more you will be blamed.”

It is inspiring.

2017.

I am an emotional Zhou Puyuan.

Zhou Puyuan was the person who impressed me the most when I watched "Thunderstorm".

People with excessive emotions always live in self-movement.

Is it love or falling in love with oneself? From a few years ago to now, I know it very well.

If I didn’t still have a little bit of last hope to save myself, I wouldn’t fall into true emotions again and again.

I don’t want to be Zhou Puyuan anymore.

But I don’t know if I have become Zhou Puyuan.

Save me with true feelings.

True feelings also hurt me.

2017.

I am busy doing many things.

I prepare for a rainy day, I take precautions before they happen, and I am prepared for danger in times of peace.

But how can I forget, Wang Er said,

Let’s not be afraid that it will end, let’s give it a start first.

What you once had will disappear.

Why worry about the additional impact it will have before it arrives, and worry about when it will leave when it first arrives? Worrying about gains and losses ruins your mood.

Don’t be afraid, it will always have an ending. In a word, enjoy yourself when you can, don't break branches without flowers.

I want to be free, I want it to begin.

I don’t want to be so tired.

Don't be afraid.

Don't be afraid.

2017.

Teacher Du said that time does not wait, and he hopes everyone will do something serious.

It’s true when you think about it. I’m really not doing anything serious myself. Just muddle along and waste away your time, convincing yourself to treat "boring as fun" with peace of mind. It is obvious that I can foresee that I will be miserable in a few years or even more than ten years, and I still have to show a cool posture like a blooming flower that needs to be broken.

When I am a client, I hardly need other people’s attention.

So. Need to change.

I want to change.

But how to change it.

But I still want him to start.

2017.

I once asked the teacher a question.

I said.

Will my future self hate my present self?

Will the changed self hate the former self?

The teacher said she couldn’t.

Because she feels that people who have strong love and hate are always those who love her too much. Because you love yourself too much, you will have these troubles. And she is a self-loathing person.

Love, hate, these two big emotions give birth to various emotions, and the essence is only one word. like.

So, love yourself less.

2017.

In Chengdu in June. My friend and I passed by a temple in the city center. The passers-by were all modern men and women, but they were not surprised at all by this temple that seemed like it shouldn't be here.

I faced the incense and saw a Buddha in the long smoke, and my eyes felt hot for a moment.

The sky is clear and the sun is bright, and the passers-by are in a hurry.

I put my hands together, closed my eyes, and was sincere in my heart, secretly wishing that the person I love would be well. But I should also think that the Buddha will not save me. I do not recognize the Buddha, and I have never fulfilled the moral principles of being a good man and a believer in women. But in this foreign land, everything is empty talk. But that day, I asked myself if I could learn from the Buddha sincerely.

After I was silent for dozens of seconds, my friend asked softly if I was okay. I opened my eyes, nodded and left.

None of the following days were easy.

My trip to Chengdu was also a complete mess.

I know. I am beyond redemption.

Just love.

Okay?

Just. Love yourself less, okay?

2017. Farewell.

2018. Hello.