My experience of enlightenment (Part 1)

The article "My Experience of Enlightenment" was written on August 23, 2015, since the moment I first attained enlightenment. But I hesitated again and again and never wrote. More than two years have passed in the blink of an eye.

Why hesitate?

I think on the one hand it was because I had just been reborn and was busy experiencing this new world again. For such activities of "proving" myself, I lost a lot of driving force.

More importantly, I understand that the human "mental body" is really smart and cunning. This "demon" refers to inner demons. The inner demon is very yearning for the "Tao". Once someone learns something from my experience of enlightenment, that learning will immediately trap them. This is "knowing the obstacle". Therefore, this article, for me at that time, I did not think that my "speech" would be helpful to society. I am more like a descendant of Zen Buddhism, which advocates communicating from heart to heart without relying on words.

And why do I want to write now?

Maybe it’s because the time has come. As I said at the beginning, I feel the Chinese people’s desire for the true Tao. What I can do is to make some suggestions and call on all enlightened people to make their voices heard and do our part together to benefit society.

(1)

I was born in a peasant family in Zhejiang, and my experience of enlightenment is very much like "A Mortal's Journey to Immortality". Since childhood, I have had no supernatural powers, no background, and no good wisdom to guide me. In addition to being born strong: at a young age, he had low self-esteem and was arrogant. He knew that he had to rely on himself to get out of the countryside. In junior high school, he wrote "Poverty is the greatest wealth in my life."

My personality also has an extremely simple sense of justice.

I remember when I was a student, my main dream was to be a policeman. In order to safeguard justice, I could even reach the state of "disowning all relatives". The most impressive thing is that when I was a teenager, I threatened that when I became a police officer, if my parents and younger brother committed a crime, I would be the first to catch them. As a result, when it was time to apply for the police academy, my scores in all subjects and sports were acceptable, but my left eye vision was 1.0, which was not up to standard. My parents discussed whether I should go through the back door so that I could enter the police academy. But when I heard that I wanted to go through the back door, I immediately felt that it was a shame and a great humiliation, and I firmly disagreed. Justice is above all else. This is my usual choice.

This is my personality background. To put it nicely: truthful, brave, hard-working, motivated, and clear about love and hate. To put it harshly: naive to the point of stupidity, unable to adapt, and with extremely low emotional intelligence.

And it is this personality that is the main equipment on my path to enlightenment.

Like all hard-working children, I spent the first thirty years of my life trapped in endless insecurities, chasing money and love. He has the rhythm of a desperate Saburo, but he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him. With my fairly good eloquence, unremitting efforts and intelligence, I have made my income higher and higher. At that time, I was wandering in various interpersonal relationships. There were good friends who liked my true temperament, and there were also people who hated me and thought I was too public and alienated me. But I've always disagreed. Life is like this. I am very conceited at heart. I think: I am the sun, and the sun also has sunspots. How can a human being be perfect?

In this way, during the first thirty years when I was eager for quick success and quick success, I only had goals in my eyes and no one, and I kept on going. Although it is inevitable that I blame myself countless times, why am I so direct? I always tell the truth and hurt others. But I still go my own way and never really reflect on myself.

(2)

Until the trough of life comes.

Around the end of 2007, I played badminton too hard and tore the knee ligament in my right leg. I was bedridden at home for 3 months, which forced me to stop my progress for a long time. I used it to bask in the sun and reflect on myself. At the same time, I suddenly started to "see" people: I found that when I was sick, it was such a beautiful thing to have the care of my boyfriend and my future parents-in-law. In April 2008, I was on crutches and finally I am willing to marry my boyfriend who loves me.

However, sweetness is always short-lived. After getting married, I couldn't handle the relationship between my husband and I, and the relationship between my mother-in-law and myself. We had many quarrels, which made me exhausted mentally and physically.

Next, work began to go downhill. The fierce and beloved general who expanded the territory suddenly became a "reckless person" in the boss's mind. This was undoubtedly the biggest blow to me. The evaluation of my superior is the one I care most about in my life. I worked so hard just to gain his appreciation, and his disappointment in me simply made me "crash" immediately;

All the unsatisfactory things in life came one after another, and finally I got it. One night, I dreamed that I was surrounded by people: my parents, my parents-in-law, my boss, my friends, everyone was scolding me, and I was really unable to face it. In the dream, I ran as hard as I could, thinking about escaping, but my husband was there. I was chasing after me, but I ran faster and faster. I missed my footing and fell off the cliff... Then, I finally started to "wake up". That night when I woke up in the middle of the night, I told myself that it seemed that I was really wrong. Now, I want to change myself.

Then, my life shifted from external material pursuits to spiritual pursuits.

Of course, when I changed my mind and started spiritual pursuits, I discovered that I had never been a materialistic person. All my previous goals were to let my parents live a good life and to make myself rich and famous. And when I really got it all, I found that I didn't make myself happier. Then, I began to reflect on myself, when did I construct such an outlook on life and values ??for myself? Is what I pursued before really what I want?

Next, my journey of self-growth begins.

Zhang Defen read 5-6 easy-to-understand books, "Non-Violent Communication", and passed the Level 3 exam of "Marriage and Family Counselor" and "Psychological Counselor", and passed the Level 2 exam... Because of my growth The process was accompanied by the birth of my first child in 2010 and my second child in 2012. Therefore, what I have learned is naturally used in my family life and work practice, and I have never been able to leave this world. Now I look through my QQ diary around 2012, and I find that at that time, I tried so hard to change myself, and my writing was very sunny and positive, but my heart was painful and tight. Therefore, I often tell my friends that in fact, during the stage of studying psychological counseling, as I became more and more professional, my "self-denial" became more serious. I have a heart that sees everything as a problem, and I work hard to change myself. When I point the finger at myself, I unconsciously point the finger at others. Relationships have not improved.

So the road of growth goes deeper unknowingly.

Since 2013, on the one hand, I have done a lot of social volunteer work, and on the other hand, I have begun to study all aspects of myself. Because I always felt that I was not good enough, my career of endless learning began. At that time, I studied outside almost full time. I have participated in many salon groups. With my excellent understanding, I can always quickly learn the essence of that subject. For example, in the field of psychology, "family system arrangement", "nlp", "psychoanalysis", "postmodern therapy", "gestalt", "coaching technology", "Lejia personality color" and "enneagram", I have read many such books , and also participated in many salons. Gradually, my thirst for knowledge became stronger and stronger, and I learned more and more about myself. But this still stops at the level of "contained dharma". On the one hand, I feel that I understand more and more. On the other hand, I also find that communication with my husband and family members is becoming more and more "condescending". In families, disputes about parenting ideas have become the main source of family quarrels.

And my self-exploration of myself has gone deeper. I remember one time when I was working as a volunteer and working on a case, I saw that I was too "reasonable". I often couldn't empathize with their pain. When I heard their judgments about me, my pain would immediately rise. rise. It’s not so much that I’m doing a case for them, but rather that they’re making me see myself more and more clearly. So, during that stage of studying psychology, I listed a large number of my automatic modes. For example, what is my first reaction when someone says something or does something. I looked at myself curiously and cautiously. At that time, I discovered that after studying psychology, I became better and better as a teacher. When friends get together, I am often like an excited child, eager to point out other people's flaws and then tell them that you need to improve, and I really do it for your own good. But the strange thing is that almost every time my friends don't appreciate it very much, so after the party, I will double-reflect on myself. Hehe, I was really tired at that time, and my brain was particularly fragile.

(3)

2014 is the most important year of transformation in my life. That year, too many important things happened inadvertently, making my consciousness deeper and deeper.

For example, I came into contact with Buddhism due to some opportunities. After 7 months of intensive study twice a week (and reading at home), I learned about the main branches of Buddhism. The Four Truths, the Eightfold Path, the Twelve Causes and Conditions, the Buddha's world view, meditation... When I first came into contact with Buddhism, I often compared Buddhism to psychology. I thought psychology was very practical, but I thought the Buddha was awesome. If I thought the world was so big, then I would be a pure materialist. There is absolutely no way to understand things on an irrational level. The advantage of practicing Buddhism is that on the one hand, I marveled at the imagination of the Buddha, and on the other hand, I expressed my "diligence" according to the routine of Buddhist practice. At the same time, unknowingly, I began to fall in love with Buddhism. . I began to come into contact with more and more Buddhist classics, including the Diamond Sutra, the Heart Sutra, and the Sixth Patriarch Altar Sutra. While studying Buddhism, I studied his interpretation of these classics from another teacher (including a copy of the "Tao Te Ching"). I think that through more than 7 months of intensive study, a thinking framework has been set up. . It was really half a bucket of water, and my sense of self-superiority was even better at that time. I could basically be so self-righteous that I understood the essence of many classics.

Fortunately, the process of becoming more and more understanding of "principles" is accompanied by a lot of meditation practice. Starting in the second half of 2014, I began to practice daily meditation without any teacher. It started with 15 minutes a day and ended up meditating for two hours a day, one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening. Meditation has greatly improved my work and rest routine. I don’t know when it started, but I started to fall asleep at 9:30 every day and get up at 6:00 a.m. every day.

When I was practicing meditation, I saw the Buddha said that everyone is a Buddha.

I don't know why, I just believe it. When all the brothers pretend to be modest and say that you cannot become a Buddha in this life, it will take several lifetimes of practice. But I didn’t even know that the sky was high and the earth was high and I thought that I would definitely become a Buddha. When I meditate, as my concentration becomes higher and higher, I often naturally make some wishes along with my own thoughts to strengthen my Buddha nature. Then, I also see more and more realms. .

(4)

The real mutation came from the most important teacher in my life, Rama. She was a truly enlightened teacher.

I entered her course by chance. At that time, her courses seemed to me to be really expensive. A one-year psychology course, taught by nearly 20 teachers, costs less than 8,000 yuan. And her course costs 5,000 yuan for a three-day course. I definitely wouldn't have gone in the past. But because it was recommended by my most trusted sister and because of other opportunities, I went.

Those three days completely subverted all my thoughts. Her courses have no handouts at all. Her lectures were awkward, but I had almost never listened to what she said; she also did cases on stage, but she was so amazing at doing cases, and she often solved their problems in ten minutes, and she So calm and relaxed. And on the third day of the course, I was listening to the class in a meditative posture. The moment I opened my eyes, I saw countless Buddha statues behind Rama. I wiped my eyes and looked intently, and I still saw the Buddha statues. It's so shocking. Could it be that she is the reincarnation of Tathagata Buddha?

Then, after the three-day course, I had my first mystical experience in my life. At night, while lying in bed, a huge surge of energy suddenly poured into me. The energy was so powerful that I could not stop its infusion even if I was subconsciously afraid. It's like there's something inside my body that's about to come out, almost like my soul is about to leave my body. Then, in the midst of such a strong discomfort, on the roof of my home, like a movie, countless versions of me were suddenly shown at the fastest speed. I was being scolded by my father, I was crying, I was running... In just 5-6 seconds, I finished watching the movie at an unimaginable speed. There was a certain feeling in my mind: Oh, this is the first half of my life.

Then the energy suddenly drained away and I was back to normal. I couldn't calm down my mood for a long time.

From that night on, I finally began to believe in the Buddha’s worldview. I understand that the world is not as simple and small as what I see with my eyes. There is so much that I don’t know.

Next, when I read the Buddha's writings, my feeling was completely different. My heart is becoming more and more in tune with it.

Then, my meditation also reached an increasingly subtle state. It seemed like a teacher was guiding me in my meditation state. I became more and more able to meditate for an hour easily, allowing me to feel An unparalleled sense of enjoyment. I can always feel the "Dharma Protector" floating on the beams of my house. When I meditate and lose my mind, it will make some noises on the beams to bring me back to the present moment.

One day, I started to read the biography of Buddha "White Clouds of the Past" recommended by my brothers. That afternoon, my heart felt so peaceful, and my mind seemed to be one with the book. I spent about 3-4 hours reading the book in one breath, and felt everything about the Buddha. The moment I closed the book, I was filled with emotion. There is a wish in my heart, and it suddenly arises. I really want to know, who am I? What is my relationship with Buddha? Under such a wish, I closed my eyes inexplicably, just like meditating and entering a state. In the state of concentration, I was guided by an inexplicable force. Finally, I came to heaven and entered a hall. The hall was very clean. , empty. I observed the main hall carefully, and my sight led me to see a man sitting in the main hall. He was wearing a red cassock, with his back to me. I followed his figure and looked at him, asking in my heart, who are you, who are you, who are you? The camera zoomed in closer and closer, and suddenly he turned back and looked at me. I looked at him too. A feeling arose in my heart: Oh, it’s Tang Monk.

Later, I searched on Baidu and found that Tang Monk, whose original name was: Chen Hui, turned out to be my descendant. At that time, I thought that it was very possible that I was the reincarnation of Tang Monk. Anyway, I guess he is a pretty awesome person. You will find that as we practice more and more and enter certain realms, our ego will also expand.

Later on, I began to see more and more clues when I read. But I also believe more and more in myself than in the organization. So at the end of 2014, because of my upright personality and couldn't bear any hypocrisy and routine, I left the Buddhist study organization and the Three Classics study organization one after another. At that time, I almost faded out of all psychology circles. I didn’t join any groups or take any classes. I concentrated on meditating and practicing Kundalini Yoga. While practicing physical training, I read a large number of works by enlightened teachers: Wang Yangming's, Osho's, Jade McKenna, Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse, and Nan Huaijin. , by Ken Wilbur. Then I also came into contact with some things about quantum Buddhism in the scientific community. All kinds of good books are always delivered to me through various opportunities. And I read almost all of them seriously, which was really satisfying.

However, as my body became more and more sensitive, I became more and more afraid of ghosts.

The most profound memory in my mind was when my husband, parents-in-law, and two children all went to RT-Mart. I was alone in the empty villa and felt extremely scared. I turned on all the lights on the three floors by myself. Sitting in a bright room, I tried to meditate to dispel my fear, but in the end, I became more and more frightened.

Perhaps this is the opportunity God created for me. Because from that day on, I suddenly started to miss Rama, and I just believed that she could solve my fears. The most recent class in rama was "Situational Intelligence" in mid-November. I had no idea what the class was about, and I didn't go out of my way to find out. Because the tuition is too expensive, it costs 50,000 yuan and it only lasts 4 days. It’s a money grab. I heard someone recommend this course before, but I didn’t take it seriously at all. However, because I was afraid of ghosts, I suddenly began to wonder, why didn’t I attend the class?

My husband is a very frugal person, and I knew with my toes that he would not agree to my going. So I planned a trip to Hangzhou. On the surface, I took my baby on a trip to Hangzhou. In fact, I asked my mother from my hometown to help me take care of the baby in Hangzhou, and then I listened to the class wholeheartedly. (This is the darkest and darkest thing I have ever done in my life), hehe, it was really just for listening to the class that I had a determined will. If your husband finds out, the worst possible outcome is divorce!

Facts have proved that sometimes, people really need to go all out and not be too step-by-step. That class was really worth it. The next day after listening to it, I felt my whole body relax, and my shoulders could completely relax. Late at night, I called my husband in tears: "Husband, I lied to you, but I don't regret it. Today I finally understand that there is no one else to save in this world, we only need to live our own lives." Surprisingly, my husband burst into tears and didn't blame me for hiding anything. On the contrary, he told me very calmly, just don’t make an example next time, just be successful.

During that class, my mother and I finally had a real communication. Finally, I discovered that over the years, I have been living in a single value system, believing that I must contribute to society and keep making progress. This is because I despise and educate my mother, thinking that she will be a housewife all her life. , thinking she was living the wrong life. And all this time, my mother was actually not wrong. I am too narrow-minded. Finally, I escaped from the high-minded thinking of trying to save others.

That day, I was suddenly very moved and said to my mother: "Mom, you have worked hard these years. You have always endured your daughter's bad temper, but you still care about me and think of ways to help me. better". My tears flowed down with my words, and my mother felt relieved instantly. From that day on, my mother, who had to call me once a week to prove that she loved me, suddenly no longer called me regularly, and her love for me was no longer so tiring.

Looking back on those four days of class, I didn’t understand much at all. During those four days, I almost said nothing. It was like smelling the "Tao" for the first time, absorbing it in big mouthfuls. One night after the course, when I was half asleep, I saw myself, like a big tree. Before, there were only trunks and leaves. But that night, I suddenly started to "root" in a large area.

Then, in the days that followed, my relationship with my husband and my parents-in-law suddenly became smooth. I finally understood that before, I pursued a very single value. I always think that parenting must be like this to be correct. Now I understand that as long as you raise your children sincerely and sincerely, no matter how you raise them, it will be correct. It is like the nutrients absorbed by each leaf can be gathered into the roots to nourish them. The elderly have their own ways, and the younger generation has their own ways. The process of children getting along with everyone is the process of absorbing various nutrients.

After "integrating everything" in this way, my energy has been greatly improved. At that time, I vaguely felt my mission. I also made a vow to God during meditation. If you are not enlightened in this life, you will never come out to save others. At that time, I became a little cautious about my words and deeds: before saving others, I must save myself, otherwise I will harm others.

(5)

In the following years, because Teacher Rama gave birth to a child and faded away from the world, my path to seeking the truth entered a situation where I could not grasp it. I had to listen to the course recording over and over again and taste the Tao. During this period, because I couldn't restrain my inner eagerness, I took another class from a so-called Indian master. Sure enough, as Rama revealed in the course, those masters with supernatural powers have simply achieved a certain skill that everyone can practice through long-term practice. But in fact, the inner strength of the bottom class is not as good as that of a child, and they are really weak and violent. (When I raised some questions about the teacher’s teaching in the course, the teacher immediately lost his temper. In the end, he felt aggrieved, so I took on the role of comforting him. At that time, I really felt, I am his mother, he is just a simple child)

From then on, I gave up all thoughts of "becoming a disciple". If you see a Buddha, kill the Buddha; if you see a ghost, kill the ghost.

I have begun to advance towards the true "emptiness"...

(To be continued) If you are willing to get to know me, you are welcome to "follow" me.

November 14, 2017