What funny jokes have you heard?

I have answered many similar questions recently! ~ Just change the angle this time. Haha,

Tell a cold joke,

A fisherman caught a squid and said, "Oh, I'm hungry. I just baked you to fill my stomach."

The squid spoke: "Please let me go, don't roast me, don't roast me. . . "

The fisherman thought for a moment and said, "well, I'll test you a few questions." If you get it right, I'll let you go, okay? "

Squid said, "well, then take the exam, take the exam quickly!" " "

Then the fisherman roasted the squid. .......

End of story!

O(∩_∩)O haha ~

(funny pictures is attached for appreciation)

1 When I was in junior high school, I had a new physics teacher. He introduced himself to us:

"Hello, classmates, I am a new physics teacher in your. Now please open your's textbook and find the editor-in-chief. It's my name. "

The students suddenly became restless. In short, they were very surprised. I didn't expect this teacher to be so awesome.

The teacher saw the students' surprised performance and smiled cunningly:

"surprise! His name is the same as mine! ! ! "

A colleague complained to me that day:

"Now the children have too much homework, and they finish it in the middle of the night every day. I really don't know what the teacher thinks. My husband and I can't go on. . . "

After that, I saw his sad sigh.

A girl walked into the elevator with a box in her hand. There was a man in the elevator.

Man: "What floor are you going to?"

Woman "Thank you for coming to the second floor"

The man pressed the elevator and said:

"Why don't you press! Wait, I missed it! ! I went to the third floor! ! ! ! "

Once upon a time, there was an uncle next door. His brother-in-law went to the appliance store and bought a computer. Well, find acquaintances. Finally, he came to an acquaintance shop. Acquaintances saw him, very enthusiastic:

"Yo ho old classmates! Come on, I'll recommend one for you. This notebook used to cost more than 7000 yuan. We have been classmates for many years. I'll give you 5800, cheap 1200! I will sell 7000 when others come. "

The uncle's brother-in-law next door began to count money. After returning home, I was so beautiful that I couldn't wait to sleep with my computer at night, thinking that this old classmate was so interesting.

Two days later. The other buddy is the boyfriend of my beautiful girl downstairs. They are sworn brothers, so amiable.

The boyfriend of the beautiful girl downstairs asked my uncle's brother-in-law, "Brother, how much did you spend on this computer?"

My uncle's brother-in-law next door said, "The original price is 7000, and I bought it from an acquaintance, only 5800, which is quite cost-effective."

Boyfriend, the beautiful girl downstairs, asked him what brand and model. Later, I also went there to buy it.

Well, the boyfriend of the beautiful girl downstairs came back in half a day. Did the brother-in-law of the uncle next door ask him if he bought it? The boyfriend of the beautiful girl downstairs said, "I didn't buy it." My uncle's brother-in-law next door asked, "Why not buy it?"

The boyfriend of the beautiful girl downstairs replied, "I'm afraid you will be sad." As soon as I went, your acquaintance said, "Please come in and have a look at our new product. I pointed to your model and asked how much it was. Your acquaintance said: You really have an eye for the boss. This is the latest model, the original price is 5800. I will sell it to you for 4000! "

The brother-in-law of the uncle next door froze and didn't know what to say.

I once spent 36 1 on a treasure to buy a pair of summer running shoes. After getting it, my feet are a little hot. Then I asked the customer service.

"Why is it a little hot?"

Customer service "36 1, once loved"

I used to be

Former love

Love deeply

love

I still have many jokes to tell you ~

And ↓↓↓↓↓

It's raining today. I'll tell you some funny jokes to cheer you up. First, the barber is "green", and after a few days of study, he opens the door for a haircut. An old man came to shave his head and began to shave his head. He hurt several scalps, so he stopped shaving and told the customer that your head was too tender. Wait a few days, then shave. Second, "carpenter", the carpenter helped people install the door, installed the bolt, and mistakenly installed it outside the door. The master called it a blind thief, and the carpenter said, you are a standard blind thief! The master was furious. How could I be blind? The carpenter said that if you were not blind, you wouldn't hire a carpenter like me. Third, in "Spitting Green Phlegm", two people who are afraid of their wives have accumulated their worries and become ill. One spits red sputum, the other spits green sputum, and at the same time goes to see a doctor for treatment. The doctor said that red phlegm comes from the lungs and can be cured, while green phlegm comes from the gallbladder and cannot be cured. Go back to the funeral! The man asked the reason for spitting green phlegm? The doctor said he was frightened, so he vomited green sputum. You can't live if you are broken. Fourth, "having a second child", the woman said, husband, after giving birth to this child, I want another child. The man said, are you crazy? This is the third child. Do you think it's a pig? The woman said, don't you want a child that belongs to you? Hearing this, the man was so angry that he could hardly get up at one breath. Fifth, my wife spent a lot of money on plastic surgery. A few days later, she became a beautiful woman and went home. When I entered the door, I said to my puzzled husband, honey, what's the matter? Don't know me? The husband paused, then said in surprise, come in quickly, my wife is not at home. 1 of "pa", the woman slapped her face, what a thief. Six, "The Rich Woman" A rich woman walked her dog and met a beggar when crossing the overpass, so she wanted to ridicule him, so she said to the beggar, you call the dog Dad, I will give you a hundred dollars, and the beggar said, I will call you ten times and you will give me a thousand dollars, okay? The rich woman answered yes! So the beggar called his father to the dog ten times. Finally, the rich woman gave the beggar a thousand dollars. After receiving the money, the beggar said to the rich woman, thank you, mom!

1. The boss invited me to dinner and said, "Xiaoguang, it's hard to work overtime today. Do you want me to invite you to dinner later? "

I said, "Boss, how can two people be enough?" Or should I call two women? "

The boss said happily, "You still know me!"

Then I called my wife and asked her to invite my mother out for dinner. ...

2. I saw my favorite style belt in Taobao, but I suspected it was a fake, so I called customer service. She vowed: please rest assured that the fake one will pay three!

I was relieved to see this and immediately placed an order and bought one. However, the courier arrived three days later and I received four belts.

3. Woman: Let's break up! The teacher said that a long-distance relationship would not have a good result.

M: Aren't we in the same school?

W: But you are in Class One, Grade Three, and I am in Class Two, Grade Three.

With that, the woman turned around and left.

The man was dumbfounded: Isn't it just a wall?

I've heard many jokes. I may or may not share them more, depending on the situation.

Let me share some funny jokes I saw, hoping to make you happy:

1, the bus driver who was particularly blocked on the road this morning lamented: Alas, a passenger next to him stopped moving: the tortoise stopped moving. The driver turned his head, stared at the passengers sadly, released the brakes and moved the car forward five centimeters, five centimeters. . .

Today, I went out shopping and saw two people fighting in front of a shop. I asked the shopkeeper why he didn't stop the fight. The boss told me calmly: The customer is clash of the titans, how can mortals participate?

3. The female leader came home at night and was suddenly boarded by two men. A man threatened: "Be honest, sex thief." The female leader laughed and scolded: "Damn, you are so nervous about such a happy thing, you scared me to death!" " "

4. In the Chinese exam, there is a question about the translation of classical Chinese, probably about the life of Li Bai. There is a saying that "the emperor wants to be an official, but the concubine stops", which means that Tang Xuanzong wanted Li Bai to be an official, but Yang Guifei stopped him. A classmate in the class regarded the "official" as a "palace" abruptly, so he wrote: "The emperor wanted to castrate Li Bai, and the concubine stopped the emperor crying." The teacher told him to stand up and read his answers in class, and the whole class laughed to death. . .

6. Male: "Sister, sister, sister!" Woman: "Why?" Man: "I call you elder sister, so you shouldn't give me a red envelope!" " "Woman:" Look at what you said, if you want to call me mom, I have to hug you all night! ""man: "mom!" Woman: "Get out. . . "

7. Woman: "Why didn't you answer my phone? ! "Man:" I was just taking a shit. " Woman: "Is defecation important or me? ! "Male. . .

8. Once I ran out of money, I said in Weibo: Who can lend me some money? At this time, a private letter from a fan asked me to send him the card number, which really hit 200 yuan! I excitedly asked him to make some more. He said, silly boy, I'm your father. Why would someone give money to a stranger? Since then, I have talked with my dad every night. Back home after half a year, my dad said he didn't have Weibo, MD, and called his grandson's father for half a year for 200 yuan!

Did you laugh? What other jokes are there? Let's post them in the comments section!

0 1

Arguing in the queue,

The other party scolded me: "You fucking squeeze a JB! ! "

Me: "One."

02

Once a friend went to lunch with me, and then it happened that my friend was in a hurry, so I thought about eating first or looking for the toilet first. My friend strode in, pointed to the toilet in front of many customers and said loudly, "There is a toilet here, and we can eat here."

03

I once went to the hospital for a physical examination with my friends. When I had a urine test, the doctor gave everyone a small paper cup. As long as people know a little, it's enough, but my teasing friend really carefully filled a cup and walked over to the nurse. Sister nurse was stunned. "Oh, fuck, are you toasting?"

04

I was late for class once and wanted to shout a report. Push the door and say "eight tones"

05

In winter. In a bank, a robber put a knife to the hostage's neck. Put it on. The hostage shouted, calm down. The whole bank is suffocating into internal injuries. I was recently amused by a joke and my stomach ached.

06

When I was three years old, I asked my mother where I came from. My mother said that I was born a pig at home, and I actually believed it. My father is going to kill pigs during the Spring Festival. I ran to my neighbor's house crying and said that my father was going to kill my mother. There were more than a dozen neighbors who rushed to my house to stop the fight. Rushing into the yard, my father chased the pig with a knife, which is not the climax. The climax came, and I shouted with the pig in my arms. Mom, I brought someone to save you!

Haha/simple smile/simple smile/simple smile/simple smile/simple smile.

One day, on a river in a tourist city in Europe, there was a beautiful river with a cruise ship on it.

People from all over the world are talking and laughing on the cruise ship.

At this time, a China man habitually spat on the ground in front of everyone.

And there are three coughs accompanied by this old phlegm ~ roar ~ bah ~ ~!

Too carefree ~ ~ ~

Then the foreigner on board looked at the China man in surprise.

As soon as everyone in China looked at him differently, he immediately realized that this was not at home, it was abroad ~

What should I do now? How can I cover up this rude and unhygienic behavior?

Did he have a brainwave? He said calmly, ~ ~ funny, haha/rustic laughter.

1) was awakened by the baby's crying in the middle of the night! So I dragged the baby over to nurse in a daze ... At this time, I suddenly felt wrong, went up and gave my husband a mouth, and then scolded: "Say! How many times did TM learn to cry and steal my milk? "

2) I ran home angrily and shouted to my wife who was asleep in bed, "I brushed away this afternoon 16500. What did you do?" My wife's sleepy eyes suddenly opened: "No, I have been sleeping at home. Did someone steal the brush? " This is not good. Let's go to the police. "Let's go out to the police station. My wife said she could drive. Just after the fire broke out, the car drove away quickly before I got up, leaving only her words: "I'll go back to my mother's house first, and I'll come back when you get angry." "

3) When I was on the night shift at night, I saw my wife standing in the corridor in sexy pajamas to meet me. As soon as I felt warm, I hugged her and said sadly, "honey, you are still waiting for me so late." What do you want? " The wife shivered and said, "Fuck you, uncle. I came out to take out the garbage and accidentally locked myself out. " . . "

4) A lady is walking around the supermarket with a box of unopened milk. There were so many people in the supermarket that the man's milk was knocked off. Then the man shouted a sentence that made everyone laugh:' You squeezed all my milk out!

5) I flew for the first time yesterday and bought a first-class ticket! Waiting in the first-class lounge ... because the drink was detained during the security check! So I went to the refrigerator and got a bottle of Jiaduobao. I went to the counter and asked how much it was ... I asked twice, but there was no response! I asked loudly ... the beauty disdained to answer! Sir, everything in our first-class lounge is free! Is this your first time to fly first class? ..... I also replied disdainfully: Then come out and come with me!

6) At midnight 12, when the man came home, his wife complained, "Can't you mention going home early?" The man readily promised, "Yes, definitely." So the next day, the man stayed up all night and didn't come back until dawn. His wife stood at the door and rushed up to slap him, knocking over the soybean milk and steamed bread in his hand. .....

7) The woman sat down on the bench in the park, looked around and put her legs straight on the chair to relax. After a while, a tramp came up to her and said, "Beauty, how about taking a walk together?" "How dare you," said the woman. "I'm not the kind of woman who hooks three and builds four!" "So," said the tramp, "what are you doing in my bed?"

8) A repairman came to repair the TV set, and there was only one very sexy woman at home. The maintenance man kept looking at the woman while repairing the TV. After the repair, the woman said to the repairman, "I have an embarrassing request." Can you promise me? " The repairman vaguely felt something, and the woman went on to say, "The thing is, my husband is very weak, and there are some things that can't refer to him." You see, you are a man and I am a woman ... In fact, I noticed your strong body as soon as you came in ... "The man was almost drooling and couldn't wait to say," Let's get started! " "You are really refreshing! "The woman replied happily," My new refrigerator is at the door, so please help me move it in! " "

9) Two spoiled brats got married. After seeing off the guests, the groom returned to the bedroom and found a meatball lying on the bed! The groom was frightened and asked where the bride was. Meatball said shyly, I hate it, you don't even know people when they take off their clothes!

10) A group of ants climbed up the elephant's back, but they were knocked down. Only one ant sticks to the elephant's neck. The ant below shouted: strangle him, strangle him, demo, it's fucking backwards!

I am a funny brother, and the article is meaningful because of your appreciation!