Satya iceberg dialogue: if it doesn't make sense, it doesn't make sense.

A little boy in front of the stall owner just saw his cheerful expression and cried the next second. What happened?

The boy was crying loudly with silver candy in his hand. His mother kept asking the boy to know what had happened. Her mother meant well, but it turned out to be the worst ending.

I spoke the truth and comforted the child for a long time, but I didn't see the child calm down. An anger came up at once. My mother scolded impatiently, "didn't you say you wanted to eat?" Don't eat now, don't eat, don't eat ... "

The mother took the sugar away, and the child cried a little fast, shouting "I want to eat!" " "?

Mother said angrily, "don't do this, don't do that." What do you want? " ? "

The master who made sugar at the booth cut the sugar neatly and said to the little boy in a didactic tone, "Good boy!" " ! Children should be obedient ... "

The little boy cried even harder and stamped his feet with anger.

Mother was very helpless and roared, "You are so difficult to serve. If you make trouble again, mother will ignore you ... "

This scene happened to be seen by Miss Li, who also wanted to buy a silver candy. Miss Li has studied Satya. He squatted in front of the boy, looked at the boy intently, paused for about five seconds, held the boy's hand, and his crying turned into a sobbing grievance. Teacher Li asked him slowly, "Are you all right?"

When the boy was asked by him, tears came out again, but the cry was not anger, but injustice.

Miss Li paused and then asked slowly, "You look sad and anxious, don't you?"

The child stopped crying and nodded to Miss Li.

Teacher Li asked harmoniously, "What's the matter?" The child pointed to the vendor's candy and said, "I want to eat candy."

Teacher Li pointed to the candy in her mother's hand and said, "Do you want to eat the candy that mom took?" ? "

The child shook his head and said, "No!"

"You want to eat sugar, but not that kind of sugar, right?"

The child nodded again, and his expression was much relieved.

"What's the matter with this candy? Why don't you want to eat? "

The child pointed to the candy: "it fell to the ground ... dirty."

Miss Li stood up and studied carefully, and found that there was indeed some dirt on the candy. He asked the child, "Did you drop the sugar?"

The child nodded.

The sugar cutter quickly interjected: "It didn't fall to the ground, but fell next to it. Here is a plastic bag, absolutely not dirty ... "

Then Mr. Li checked with the boy and finally figured out the reason. The mother took the boy to buy silver candy, and the boy saw this scene from a distance: when the owner cut the candy, the silver candy accidentally fell to the ground, which was the boy's candy.

Mom finally figured it out, annoyed that the boss didn't pay attention to hygiene and felt that the boss was not honest enough. On the one hand, I am angry with the child. Why didn't you make it clear earlier

My mother was also very curious, so she reasoned with him and asked him for a long time. Why did Miss Li make it clear after only asking a few questions?

Teacher Li's words were not casually said, but deliberately arranged. It is an iceberg dialogue, and Satya's iceberg model is presented in the form of dialogue.

When children make you angry, do you yell at them directly, or drag them over to preach, and deliberately suppress your anger and say a lot of truths in one breath. If you don't care, even emotional reactions, such as not looking away, indifferent expression, or even glasses floating everywhere, will you become more and more angry, gradually become expressive, severely reprimanded, and even count to three, two, one, and directly fight?

For you who love learning, you often give priority to reasoning, but the result is very familiar: both sides lose. So what can be done to make him understand these truths? ? Don't be reasonable. Let's talk about Satya's iceberg model, which is iceberg dialogue.

Satya is Ms. virginia satir, one of the most influential psychologists in the 20th century, and is known as the Columbus of family therapy. Her student, Dr. John Berman, based on Satya's dialogue, summed up and developed an iceberg model, which was used to communicate with others and to clarify himself.

Icebergs are metaphors, and people are like icebergs. What you can see is only a small part of the surface-behavior, event or story. Is the part above the water level. And a larger part of people is hidden at a deeper level, which is the inner essence of people. People can't see inside, just like icebergs, most of them are hidden underwater, namely: feelings, feelings, opinions, expectations, desires and self.

Iceberg dialogue is to discuss the iceberg below the level of yourself and others in a dialogue way to solve the problem.

When you see a person, the first thing you see is "behavior" and what you hear is the "event" that that person said. And the content under the iceberg is unknown. People infer or understand a person through his behavior or narrative of events. For example, if you see a little boy crying with candy, he says he doesn't want candy, but if he wants it, you will think the boy is unreasonable. This belongs to the upper layer of the iceberg.

If you use the "coping style" of super-rational reasoning (interruption is the same), you will ignore others, ignore your own iceberg and only care about the situation. In order to be recognized, people always argue and reason when communicating, thinking that they are right. How to solve the problem if you don't understand the iceberg of yourself and others, that is, feelings, opinions, expectations and desires?

For example, if you reason with the little boy, you want candy and I bought it for you. You shouldn't cry. You should be good and listen to adults. I didn't understand his anxiety, sadness and injustice at the bottom of the iceberg. I don't know. He thinks this candy is dirty. I didn't know that he expected change and was eager to be understood. You may have to use violence to solve it.

Only by connecting each other's "selves" with iceberg dialogue can we solve the problem.

When you are angry, when you are treated unfairly, when you are angry and wronged, don't be reasonable, don't argue according to reason. At this time, you need to stop and start an iceberg conversation. Divided into three steps:

The first step is to talk to your iceberg.

Calm down and understand your desires and needs. This step is the most important. Everyone knows the consequences of communicating with others when people are angry.

How to calm the mood? Use 6a conversation mode:

? 1. Be aware of your emotions, anger, anger, injustice, sadness ... stay in your emotions for a long time.

? 2. Then admit that you have these emotions.

? 3. Allow yourself to have these emotions.

? 4. At the same time, accept that you have these emotions. At this time, your mood will gradually calm down.

? 5. Action: Tell yourself that there is no violent communication and no rational counterattack, but that you are more and more peaceful, more and more free and more growing.

? 6. Appreciate your greatness!

?

Step two, talk to another iceberg.

Explore each other's feelings, opinions, expectations, desires and self. In the process of exploration, you should check it again and again. When the other person feels that you understand his feelings, opinions, expectations and desires, his mood will calm down. ?

The third step is to express your views and wishes.

After checking each other's emotions, opinions and desires, speak your own opinions and desires. At this time, most of the problems have been solved, which may be your solution or the other's. The point is that you are both satisfied.

Let's use teacher Zhang's actual case to illustrate:

Teacher Zhang's family went on a trip. While eating, my mother accidentally poured a cup of hot water (actually not very hot) on her son Zhang Xiaolu's chest and thighs. Zhang Xiaolu screamed and stood up in horror. Later, I made sure that I was not injured and changed my clothes.

Similar things have happened occasionally before. Before he studied Satya, he might have handled it like this:

He said: "I will be furious because my son is frightened and even injured." How can I blame my mother for being so careless? My son may cry, and my wife will be very upset and angry, so everyone focuses on my mother. Of course, my mother will feel sorry at first, but she has apologized, but everyone still pays attention to her and the atmosphere becomes very bad. Before long, the fire in her heart will spread her temper. " When I feel worse, I will blame her more or even louder. Probably: My mother said she wouldn't play (I'll send her home directly, and the ending will be worse in a week or two, and my mother will have a cold war or even lose control of her emotions), or she gave Zhang Xiaolu a reason. Grandma didn't mean to be ignorant, and so on. Probably: Zhang Xiaolu said he wouldn't go to play (he would be angry for a week), or the whole family would go out again, but everyone suppressed their anger from beginning to end. It can really be said that all four lost, all lost. "

Things have changed since I learned Satya. Teacher Zhang first noticed his iceberg, calmed himself down, pulled him outside, and then began to check the feelings, opinions, expectations and desires of the Satya iceberg model.

"Zhang Xiaolu, does it still hurt?" ? (check the feeling)

"It doesn't hurt."

"Is it still hot?" (Check the feeling again)

"Not hot."

"Were you nervous just now" (double-checking your feelings)

He nodded.

"Did you feel scared just now" (double-checking your feelings)

He nodded.

"You were so nervous and scared just now that you didn't cry. Dad thinks you are brave! "

No sooner had she finished than Zhang Xiaolu shed tears.

"Are you angry now?" (Check the feeling repeatedly)

"Very angry!"

"angry with who?" (viewing angle)

"angry with grandma."

"Angry because grandma spilled hot water on you?" (Cross-check view)

"Grandma did it on purpose!" Zhang Xiaolu looks very angry.

"Zhang Xiaolu, do you think grandma did it on purpose?" (Cross-check view)

Zhang Xiaolu nodded.

"Zhang Xiaolu, do you think grandma is intentional? Dad thinks grandma should be unintentional, because I know grandma loves you very much and he won't do it on purpose. " (Provide new ideas, connect with desire)

Zhang Xiaolu didn't answer. Suddenly he said, "I don't want to play with grandma."

"If you don't want to play with your grandmother, will you be less angry?" (Check expectations, opinions and feelings)

Zhang Xiaolu nodded.

"Yes, Zhang Xiaolu will be less angry, but grandma can't play, grandma will be very sad, grandma will be sad, and dad will be sad." (Provide new ideas)

Zhang Xiaolu didn't answer, and then said, "Grandma, don't sit there, go up from another table!" " (This is his new expectation)

Teacher Zhang thinks that this will not solve any problems, and it will hurt my mother and get stuck. I stopped for a while and didn't speak. (pause)

Zhang Xiaolu added, "Grandma, don't sit there, go from another table!" "

"Grandma, don't sit there, go to another table, will you be happier" (check expectations, opinions and feelings)

? Zhang Xiaolu nodded.

"Grandma, don't sit there, go to another table, you will be happier. Grandma is old, it is difficult for her to move around, and it is difficult for her to leave her position. Dad will also be reluctant to part with her. " (Check expectations and provide new ideas)

Zhang Xiaolu doesn't talk. At that time into a short pause.

Teacher Zhang suddenly realized: "Dad has a suggestion. Dad went in and asked grandma if it was intentional. If not, I'll let grandma apologize to you, okay? " "(Provide new ideas, new expectations)

Zhang Xiaolu nodded and agreed.

Later, Grandma said to Zhang Xiaolu, "Grandma doesn't care, she didn't mean to. You are my precious grandson, and it's too late for me to hurt you. How can I throw water on you? " "(grandma's true feelings are revealed, directly connecting desire)

After hearing the apology, Zhang Xiaolu's expression softened, and grandma recovered from fear, regret and injustice. A small whirlwind, not as usual, because of ignorance of the other party's emotions, even let the emotions expand, spread and wreak havoc, and evolved into a tornado. Now the family lives in peace and loves each other.

After the whole family had a happy meal together, grandparents and grandchildren played scratch music together, and grandma won 100 yuan. Zhang Xiaolu sincerely admired, "Grandma is amazing!" Then the whole family went to the seaside. Teacher Zhang and he played with sand at the seaside all afternoon. The whole family had a leisurely afternoon tea in a coffee shop, enjoying the mountains and the sea, and had a wonderful day.

? In this case, Teacher Zhang knew that the water was not hot and that Grandma was careless, but she didn't reason with her son: Grandma didn't mean to, you should ...? Instead, I talked to myself and my son in the iceberg mode, and finally the problem was solved and everyone was happy.

Iceberg dialogue is not only used for family, but also for any occasion where communication is needed, such as workplace or friends.

If he doesn't make sense, he doesn't make sense, because both sides lose, and the iceberg dialogue is happy. Use iceberg dialogue to find solutions, use iceberg dialogue to find inner liberation and peace, and use iceberg dialogue to live in harmony with family and friends.