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I just can’t let go of certain things and can’t think about them! How can I control myself and not get angry?

Defen: I once compared it to this: If someone came to your house and set a fire and then escaped, would you go to put out the fire first, or go after the person who set the fire? Most people put out fires first and chase people later.

In real life, what should you do if someone makes you angry? Should we put out the fire first, or go after the person first? Think about what you would choose.

You can face yourself: "Oh, something inside me was touched and I feel uncomfortable, so I have to examine myself and see why I got angry when he said a word."

Or, you will say to yourself: "How could he do this to me? It makes no sense! How many things have I done for him..." Which of these two thoughts do you think is easier for us? ?

Most of the time we will choose the second thought and put the responsibility on others instead of comforting ourselves, but in this way, you will never be able to heal. Whenever someone makes you uncomfortable or whenever negative emotions arise in your heart, instead of chasing that person, it is better to deal with the anger or uncomfortable feeling within yourself.

Someone said something that made you very uncomfortable. In fact, the uncomfortable feeling is already within you. In other words, the gunpowder has long been buried in your heart. He just lit the fire a little bit. , just let it explode. He didn't drop the bomb, he just lit the fuse, but we all blamed him. Therefore, when anger comes, you must first realize where the fire in your heart is, and then take appropriate medicine to heal it, instead of blindly blaming others.

Martina: When you enter a certain pattern, that pattern clogs the brain because it forms synaptic complexes. Just like learning to swim, you have to keep practicing before you can really swim. Until a certain moment, you finally learn to swim (or learn to drive, eat, walk, etc.), and all these become automatic behaviors. Emotional patterns can also become habits. When encountering many situations, you will automatically respond with a certain pattern, such as anger. The good news is that it's just a pattern, not you, and just like training a dog to sit or walk - if you want to get out of the pattern, you can do it through training. This is what most people don’t understand, they all want miracles to happen. No, there are no miracles in the world. The only thing you can do is to find effective practice methods, and what you need to practice is to change the pattern. On the question of "how to deal with anger," I think the person asking the question knew that he had to do something and admit that he had a problem. This is the first step and a positive side. As for how to do it, you need to do it step by step.

People nowadays don’t know that they have a problem, and then they get angry because they fall into a state of anger. Just like you tell others not to judge others, but you are already judging others, so we are trapped in this cycle.

Therefore, you must first accept the current state. From my experience, the reason most people get angry comes from something in the past, and when you change your current state, you are also subconsciously healing an important part of the past. It doesn't matter who pisses you off because that person could be a symbol for many people. So when you change your relationship with your mother, your relationship with your partner and with many other people will change too. This is good news, because you are not changing your current state in response to a specific event. You are changing your entire life pattern, or changing your reactions to many situations.

When it comes to anger, I think the most important thing is to reshape the brain. So, the first thing I would teach people is, if you are still angry before going to bed and it feels like there is a video playing in your mind, you have to edit the video. You can start by imagining how you would like to react. This is the first step. There are some things you can do about anger. This society often pushes anger away, talks about it a lot, but never expresses it. We never talk about how bad we feel. Some of us don't even curse or say anything, and a lot of things build up inside of us.

Among the many so-called release techniques, martial arts are popular. Alternatively, pound a sandbag and then say whatever you want to say to the person who made you angry, or pound a pillow and say what you didn't say. This trick works well for many people and can release some of the buildup. Something in the heart. Anger, unlike other emotions, must be coupled with forgiveness, and you must begin to learn to forgive. Forgiveness is not for the other person, but to cut off the past and the negative emotions connected with the other person.

I forgive you, but that doesn’t mean I accept what you did. Forgiveness is not necessarily related to accepting the other person's behavior, but I don't want to poison myself anymore. When we are angry, we must forgive, and most of us forget this. Forgiveness is not an exercise of the mind, but of the heart. You can say "I forgive you" a million times in your head, but it's useless if you don't mean it from your heart. If you want to truly forgive the other person, you must understand that people come to this world to learn lessons.

So even though someone makes you angry, they are actually doing you a favor by reminding you that there is an unresolved problem within you.

It doesn’t matter who made you angry, and the first thing you have to do is not forgive the other person, but realize that the incident was not personal. As Dove said, you have to take responsibility for your feelings and emotions. It is with this power that when you take responsibility for your feelings, you will understand that what the other person does to you has nothing to do with you personally, but with how he responds based on his own life experience and how he interacts with you. It has to do with what is projected onto you. Once you understand these things, you can forgive. You forgive him because he is not important in this matter, what is really important is you. Then you return to yourself and forgive yourself for being too stupid to understand how life works.

Forgiveness is part of self-respect. Once you forgive yourself, you can go back and forgive the person who made you angry and bless and thank him for teaching you a lesson. Only by sincerely forgiving can we truly let go. Speaking of which, anger is an excellent tool for dealing with inner problems. If you can understand this, then when you get stuck in an angry emotion, say at your father or mother, you can forgive, let go, and understand that it's not about them, but about the problem within you. For a while, you'll be angry at yourself for being so stupid, but once you get over your anger with yourself, you'll forgive yourself. So I think anger is one of the most spiritual emotions, a spiritual invitation to grow.

Deffen: Martina’s account of anger is brilliant. I think he made a good point about forgiveness. First, you must take responsibility and not take the other person's behavior personally and take it personally. Then, you are responsible for your own anger. Just like what "A Course in Miracles" says, we are never unhappy because of the reasons we believe. In fact, it’s not what the other person did to you, but something inside you that was triggered by the other person.

Martina also said that anger can be used as a spiritual tool to see where there are still unhealed areas within oneself, to discover what unresolved problems there are within oneself and what lessons need to be learned. If you can really see things this way, you can truly forgive.

No matter what others have done to you, you know that it is the wounded child within you that needs healing. Emotional response patterns are developed over time. Starting in childhood, you become conditioned to respond to everything in a certain way. But as Martina said, to get out of this pattern, you can't expect a miracle, you can't suddenly wake up or suddenly stop being angry.

Of course, the release of anger is also important, which is why Japan has so-called "vent shops". After some Japanese office workers finish their work for the day, they will go to a vent store to buy a lot of plates, and then throw the plates at a designated safe place. They can also put the boss's name on a doll or a figure, and then smash them with the plates. It's a nice release.

I would also like to recommend learning Huang Ting Chan to heal your emotions. Can you stop someone from setting fire to your heart? Can you stop your boss from scolding you? Can you stop the bus from leaving before you get there?

In fact, you have no control over external people and things. When others set fire to your heart, you habitually start putting out the fire every day. And Huang Tingchan will let you understand that those negative thoughts that you previously regarded as scourges are actually not that terrible. This is what the Buddhists call "there is nothing in the first place, so where is the dust". Those injustices done to you by others, those entanglements and worries at work, those worries and anxieties about the future, and those inner "gunpowder" are just false illusions, the "ups and downs of your heart and mind" and fabrications in your heart. Various stories and various negative emotions caused by the shadow cast on the soul in the past. Realize this and negative emotions can no longer hurt you. When negative emotions come, it will be easier for you to be a bystander, see them, accept them, and then let them go.

In short, on the road to pursuing spiritual growth, you must continue to receive training and face your own homework, just like muscle training, which also requires long-term exercise to be effective. In Martina's books and in the books of many others, as well as in my books, there are many different ways to help you develop the inner strength to stay the same in the face of change. Just like swimming in the ocean, the waves keep coming, and if you don't have another force to catch yourself, you will be swept away by the waves.

Martina: I would add that of all emotions, anger is the most toxic and self-destructive. So from a medical perspective, dealing with anger is more important than dealing with other emotions.

Also, many people say they are never angry, which means they have buried their anger so deeply that they can no longer recognize it. This is very dangerous. Anger is just as normal as other emotions and human reactions, and if you can't get angry, you have a big problem. Long-term suppression of anger can lead to "passive aggression" or vitriol, and can lead to illness, degradation, or self-destruction.

So anger is more toxic to the body than other emotions. Traditional Chinese medicine theory believes that anger is connected to the liver, and the liver is the mother of the heart. If the liver is poisoned, the heart will also be poisoned. This is why it is necessary to forgive when you are angry, because forgiveness allows the heart to release the poison caused by the liver.