A sense of boundaries is the highest level of respect

文|月华

1

There is a male colleague in his 40s in the class. At his age, he should be calm and solid, but he is not only If she didn't, she would be nicknamed "the woman with a long tongue".

Whether it is an old colleague who has been working for several years or a junior colleague who has just arrived at the company, he always goes around and asks questions such as "How many people are there in your family? Oh, where is your family outside the city?" What does your family do? Where did you go to school? Do you have a boyfriend?" and many more questions.

When I was asked these questions by him when I first came to the unit, I felt really sick in my heart: What does it have to do with you?

Later, after getting familiar with him, I realized that this was one of the reasons why he was so annoying.

Colleagues in the work unit keep this in mind and basically don’t talk to him. Because as long as you open your mouth, he will sit next to you and start "communicating" with you "seriously". He will not leave until he asks you and your family's situation thoroughly.

Not only that, he will also tell you everything about his family in detail, as if this can get you information in exchange for improving the relationship between the two.

Now, I see him sitting next to his new colleague, stretching his neck to ask her questions with great interest. I see the disgust on the face of the new colleague and the inconsistent answers. When he eloquently talked about the things in his family, a sentence came to mind:

People who have no sense of boundaries are really terrible.

2

This colleague just doesn’t realize the sense of boundaries between people. He forcibly inserts himself into other people’s lives and also forcibly draws others into his life.

Failure to grasp the appropriateness of communication will not only make people disgusted, but will not help improve interpersonal relationships at all.

In "Ode to Joy", Qu Xiaoxiao helps the little earthworm test the quality of white-scum men. The starting point is to prevent the little earthworm from suffering a loss. But the result? Xiao Earthworm felt offended and had a big quarrel with Qu Xiaoxiao, which established the disharmonious relationship between them throughout the play.

In the play, the white scumbag failed to withstand Qu Xiaoxiao’s test and revealed his true nature. But if, let us assume for a moment, if Supervisor Bai is not a scumbag, but a true gentleman, will Qu Xiaoxiao do this to make Supervisor Bai suspicious? Will Supervisor Bai think that Little Earthworm is not good at recognizing people, which will affect his relationship with Little Earthworm?

We don’t know this.

Qu Xiaoxiao’s approach did not clarify what a sense of boundary is, and directly broke through the original boundaries between people with enthusiasm. He did not understand that "active help" when others do not need help will only make the relationship worse. Oops.

There are only three things in the world: your own business, other people’s business, and God’s business.

This way of doing things that crosses boundaries at will and interferes in other people's lives is called "unclear" or "lack of vision" in our lives. It is precisely because they do not understand the difference between the "three things" that they often have misunderstandings and gaps with others.

You are responsible for your own affairs; others are responsible for other people's affairs; we cannot control God's affairs, just remember to hold an umbrella when you go out.

3

The sense of boundary does not often occur between people with a normal relationship, because the relatively distant relationship determines that both parties will not interfere too much.

Everyone is self-aware. We can eat together and discuss celebrities together, but we will not talk about our parents at home.

We can make group purchases and order together, but we will not travel together.

This kind of relationship is the most appropriate.

A clear sense of boundary stands between the two. You do your thing, and I have my own circle. We have intersections due to objective reasons, but we will not break the boundary.

This kind of relationship is actually the strongest.

It is precisely those people with closer relationships who often engage in "intrusive" behavior.

In "The First Half of My Life", the relationship between Luo Zijun and Tang Jing is enviable to everyone. Many girls hope to have a best friend like Tang Jing. But in the face of Tang Jing's various care for Luo Zijun, I felt sad.

It is true that when Zijun was sad, Tang Jing came out to comfort her immediately and said the words "I will support you";

When Zijun was wronged, Tang Jing silently helped her behind the scenes, telling her "I'm here!"

When Zijun fell into cowardice, Tang Jing scolded her mercilessly and told her to "be strong."

Everything is what an ideal best friend should do. If Luo Zijun was caught in a heavy rain, then Tang Jing was an umbrella holding Zijun's head to protect her from the wind and rain.

However, just imagine, if Zijun gets out of the predicament, will Tang Jing's umbrella move away automatically?

I think it is unlikely.

Because of various previous behaviors, Tang Jing formed the concept of "I am Zijun's best friend, and I will participate in everything she does." However, Zijun, who has emerged from the predicament, hopes to be less interfered with and live a life of independent thinking.

When friends help each other, it is easy to fail to grasp the good sense of proportion.

I must know everything about you, everything about you is related to me, and I have to take care of everything about you. This kind of friendship will gradually become deformed, and it is more likely to eventually break up.

When you are in trouble, I lend a helping hand; when you are fine, I walk alone. Such best friends are true best friends.

4

Staying far away but not far away is a kind of ability, staying close but not coming in is a kind of wisdom.

The sense of boundaries also exists between husband and wife.

Many people don’t understand: Husband and wife live under the same roof every day, and they have to communicate a lot every day and negotiate on various matters. How can there still be a sense of boundaries?

In fact, the better the relationship between the couple, the more they understand the importance of respecting each other's boundaries.

While I was reading a book, you were drawing pictures, and while I was practicing yoga in the bedroom, you were watching the football game in the living room. We complemented each other without disturbing each other.

I have my own hobbies and don’t want to be controlled too much; you have your own space, and I won’t restrict your freedom.

We understand each other and respect each other. The sense of boundaries will not separate us, but will bring us closer.

Just like Sun Li and Deng Chao, one is a top student who locks himself in a room before filming, studies the script with all his heart, and carefully ponders the characters in the play; Post various jokes on Weibo, funny jokes that appear under other people’s comments.

But this does not prevent the two people from loving deeply, it does not prevent the couple from showing affection with their children, and it does not prevent the two from getting better and better.

Sun Li knew Deng Chao’s humorous nature, so he did not stop or dislike it, and participated happily; Deng Chao understood Sun Li’s seriousness, and did not cause trouble or mischief. Although he seemed careless, he was extremely happy and supported him. Wife’s words and deeds.

This kind of relationship between husband and wife is a truly healthy and beautiful relationship, because he understands the importance of boundaries, supports each other instead of simply relying on each other, and forms an intimate and independent relationship between husband and wife.

5

In China’s humanistic society, too many parents’ love for their children is mixed with a strong sense of “you must listen to me” and forced education, while “I am here for you”. The "good" type of love is even more subtle, restricting children's independence and freedom.

Whether it is going to school, going on a blind date, working, or getting married, the interference of parents has caused the new generation of young people to prematurely lose their love for life and the shaping of their own abilities.

It is precisely because of this that many people have not had a clear sense of boundaries since childhood. Their sense of boundaries is silently broken by their parents, and they often break the sense of boundaries of others, causing embarrassment and imbalance in interpersonal relationships.

I met a female colleague after working. She once told me: "I went to school locally, chose the major my parents asked me to choose, and worked locally because my parents never They give me a chance to go out and control me very strictly. I don’t have much room for my own ideas and I am a good girl in everyone’s eyes, but in my heart I don’t want to be like this.”

< p> I feel a little sad after hearing this.

We should understand that as independent individuals in society, although we are often restricted by social rules and legal systems, we always hope to have our own space in our independent lives.

This private space belongs to the individual. It does not want to be invaded or interfered with too much.

Therefore, in life, those who have a strong sense of proportion and boundaries will win more respect, and those who do not interfere with others at will and lend a helping hand at the right time will gain more respect. .

A sense of boundaries is the highest form of respect.

Thank you for coming. I am Yuehua, a stubborn Taurus girl born in 1992 who has never stopped growing. My words are inspiring and warm, growing and healing. I am eager to move into the future with you.

Let the present be solid and the future shine.

Let's go together!