I want to give you a joke~

1. A man went to get an intravenous drip when he was sick. Because he was in a hurry, he sped up the intravenous drip! When the doctor saw it, he slowed it down. After the doctor left, he turned it up again. The doctor asked him to speed up but he didn't listen. The doctor shouted: "I'm in a hurry, so just drink it!" The man said worriedly: "That won't work! What if I open the lid and get another bottle?"

< p>2. In the Chinese class, the teacher said: "Now, everyone makes a sentence, and then change it into the imperative form." Xiaohua said: "The ox pulls the cart." The teacher said: "Change it into the imperative form." Xiaopang Raise your hands and say: "Drive!"

3. I went to Mount Taishan with my friends to watch the sunrise. A friend pointed to the sky and said: "I saw it!" "I saw it too!" At this time, in the distance Someone came out with his pants raised and cursed: "You saw it when you saw it! What are you yelling about!"

4. Today on the bus, I heard a boy about 8 or 9 years old saying to the little girl next to him. : "Who says you can't predict the future? At least I can know what my child's surname will be in the future, but it's different for you. Your child's surname is still unknown!" The little girl replied loudly without thinking: "Humph. , that is! However, my child must be my child, not your child..."

5. The first-grade children went out for an outing, and the teacher said that they must do whatever they do. Group activity for 10 people. After a while, someone suddenly shouted: "Who else wants to go to the toilet? Hurry! The nine of us can't hold it in anymore!

6. A colleague got under the table and screamed after a while: " It's over, I pressed the wrong button, I pressed the main switch of all computer power strips! ” Everyone was surprised: “But our computers are still on?” ! The colleague's bitter voice came from under the table: "I haven't raised my hand yet, and the whole office was silent for two seconds!" ! "Shut down!" ! Shut down now! "Save!" ! "Hold on, hold on!" ”

1. To deal with fatigue: sleep. To deal with fear: sleep. To deal with colds: sleep. To deal with hunger: sleep. To deal with broken love: sleep. One sleep cures all diseases, one sleep brings peace to the world, focus on sleeping for twenty Years, trustworthy

2. When talking about tattoos when I was chatting with GG today, I said that I wanted to tattoo a barcode on the back of my neck so that I would feel like a robot. Then GG strongly objected and said: You are like this. It will look a lot like pork.

3. On the bus today, a voice suddenly came from behind: "The anus is so itchy." "Just when I was about to turn my head to see which expert was so unrestrained, another voice came over again faintly: "I think cactus is easier to care for..."

4. After getting up yesterday morning, I happily said to my wife Said: Wife, I had a dream, I dreamed that I picked up 200 yuan! My wife said: "Be careful today, the dream is reversed." " Me: "Then you said I'm going to lose 200 yuan today? The wife hesitated for a moment and said, "I confiscated the two hundred yuan in your wallet to prevent you from losing it." I sweated wildly: "This dream is so accurate!" "

5. There was a girl in the class who was a pervert and her QQ nickname was "Reject". Once, I asked her out of curiosity: "Why do you have this name?" She turned back with a shy expression and said, "Don't you think adding the radical would be more subtle?" "

6. Has your childhood dream come true?" "Half of it has been realized..." "Oh? You wanted to be a programmer when you were a child?" "No, you wanted to be a policeman..." "Then what? "Is it half done?" "Now it's uncle..."

1. A new male colleague came to the company, he was born in Henan in 1988. We have a good relationship and talk about everything. One day when we were talking about love, I asked him: "Have you ever been in love before?" He said: "We were in college." I asked knowingly, "Are they from Henan?" He was shocked: "How do you know? With a man? ”

2. I felt unwell, so I went to the hospital for a check-up. After taking the X-ray according to the doctor’s instructions, the X-ray doctor wrote the diagnosis, and then I took the diagnosis and the film to the doctor. look. Unexpectedly, the doctor started shaking his head while holding the X-ray diagnosis, and made a tut-tutting sound. I immediately felt so cold in my heart that I wanted to ask the doctor how long he had left, but the doctor said, "Oh, Today's young doctors are so bad at handwriting - it scares me to death!

3. When I have money! I will buy two BMWs, one in the front and one in front. I'm riding a bicycle in the middle! If I buy one of the 1.3 billion bicycles, I'll see who dares to squeeze me in! I have money to buy two laptops, one for playing games and one for QQ; when I have enough money, I will build two swimming pools, one for washing my hair and one for washing my feet.

4. Last night a man came. A customer ate in a restaurant. When he finished his meal and asked for the bill, the boss surprised him by saying, "30,000 yuan is too expensive!" He said: "You should give a discount to your colleagues, right?" The boss said: "So you also own a restaurant?" He said: "No, I am robbing money." "

5. I watched a food program a few days ago. Two hosts were drinking tea at an old man's house. It was very expensive tea. The woman asked: "What are the benefits of this tea?" The old man said: "It's good for both men and women." The woman asked again: "What's the benefit of the horse?" The old man replied calmly and calmly: "Quench your thirst." ”

6. I found that college students often stay up late and have three major disadvantages. First, their memory is getting worse and worse. Second, they often count incorrectly. Fourth, their memory is getting worse and worse.

1. A woman with a liberal arts major sent a text message to a man with a science major: "Young green child, I think about it for a long time. Even if I don't go, Zi Ning won't come." The man replied: "Please use vernacular..." The liberal arts woman said: " Damn it, if I don’t look for you, you wouldn’t know how to look for me...”

2. A driver got lost in the foggy night and vaguely saw a road sign on the roadside. , and stopped the car. But the fog was so thick that I couldn't see what was written. So I decided to climb up and have a look. After finally climbing to the top, I finally saw the words on it clearly: The paint is still wet.

3. Wukong heard that the iPhone 4S was a rare item, so he flew to the United States to buy it, and then harassed his master every day. That day, I called Tang Seng again, but he suddenly dropped his brand new mobile phone to the ground. Wukong yelled, "Tang Monk, you are a pervert, the ring bell is set as a tight curse."

4. One day, I came back from having a drink with my old classmates. In the middle of the night, I suddenly woke up and was about to go to the bathroom to drain the water. When I stretched my legs to look for slippers, I found that I couldn't get out of bed. I was shocked. Could it be that I, a strong and healthy man, fell on the wine and became paraplegic? So I shouted to my wife: Wife, it's broken. My legs are not working well and I can't get out of bed. The wife got up calmly and turned on the light: Damn you, you are sleeping underground again!!

5. There was a couple of lovers in the park having a sweet moment. The girl acted coquettishly and said to her husband: I have a toothache! The boy then kissed the girl and asked: Does it still hurt? The girl said it didn’t hurt anymore! After a while, the girl said coquettishly: Husband, my neck hurts! The boy kissed the girl's neck again and asked if it still hurt this time. The girl happily said: It doesn't hurt anymore! The old lady standing next to her stood watching for a long time. She couldn't help it any longer, so she stepped forward and asked the young man: "Young man, you are so amazing. Can you cure hemorrhoids?"

1. A friend of mine from Dalian usually calls "hot" "ye" with four sounds. One day when I was eating in a restaurant, one of the dishes was a little cold. I called the waiter and said, "Give this to me, ye." The waiter didn't respond, so my friend raised her voice and said, "Give me a ejaculation!" The waiter still didn't move. My friend got angry and shouted, "Is it not working if I give you a ejaculation?" At this time, the waiter angrily extended his hand to my friend. He made a V-shaped gesture and shouted "Yeah!"

2. The chick threw a big red certificate into the arms of its mother: "Mom, you said I got first place in the exam. Just tell me who the father is~" The mother chicken knew that the chicken had been curious about the mystery of her life experience for a long time, and she was determined not to hide it anymore, and said: "My child, you are a proud chicken, and your father is Watt." Little chicken. After being stunned for a moment, he...he started walking...

3. The ten-year-old sister took a pack of rice crackers and ate them in the yard with relish. My five-year-old brother was watching eagerly. He wanted to eat but was embarrassed to say so, so he said, "Let me taste whether it's crispy or not." I think this little kid was quite reserved, and then a classic scene appeared. My sister took a piece and put it in her mouth and said, "Listen."

4. A man suffered a head injury and was bleeding. His girlfriend took him to the hospital. In the taxi, his girlfriend used paper towels to help him stop the bleeding, but the paper towels were not enough after a while. The girlfriend took out a sanitary napkin from her bag and pressed it on the man's wound. Sure enough, the bleeding stopped immediately. The girlfriend breathed a sigh of relief. When they arrived at the hospital, while the man was getting stitches, the woman asked the doctor how his condition was. The doctor took the sanitary napkin and said: If you change another sanitary napkin, he will probably die.

5. There is a story about a college girl who broke up with her boyfriend and said: "I have found a boyfriend from the physical education department. We have been dating for one year, and you have to pay me 200 yuan for loss of youth." Boys are afraid His "new boyfriend from the sports department" wanted to find a way to vent his anger. On the day the money was paid, the girl and her new boyfriend arrived. The ex-boyfriend brought 10 boys. Each of them came over and gave the girl 200 yuan. After three or four, the girl started crying and the new boyfriend also divided the money.

6. The teacher caught him smoking and even beat him to death without admitting it. The teacher asked me: "Then why do you smell of cigarette smoke?" I thought for a while and replied: "Body odor..."

1. A young man hurried to the sixth floor and met a middle-aged man. The middle-aged man said: "You are Lao Li, must you be? Come on, your daughter was hit by a car!" The middle-aged man was suddenly confused: "Ah? Oh my god! What should I do?" and hurried downstairs. When I walked to the fourth floor, I remembered, "That's wrong, I don't have a daughter!" When I continued to the second floor, I remembered, "It's even more wrong, I'm not even married!" When I got to the first floor, I stamped my foot, "I don't have a last name." Li!”

2. As soon as a good-looking girl got on the bus and sat down, a pregnant woman stood next to her. The driver said: Girl, please give up your seat to the pregnant woman. The girl hesitated and did not get up. The driver finally couldn't hold it any longer and said angrily: Girls are so pretty these days, why are they so unethical? The girl finally couldn't hold it any longer and burst into tears: "I am also four months pregnant." The pregnant woman couldn't hold it any longer and roared: I'm not a pregnant woman...

3. Several people were in the golf locker room. A cell phone rang for a long time, and a man pressed the hands-free button. Woman: Honey, are you in the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I saw a BMW costing less than two million. Man: Buy. Female: And that property is on the market again, priced at 60,000 per square meter. Man: Buy. Woman: I love you so much. Man: I love you too. ?The man next to him was dumbfounded in admiration.

The man hung up the phone and asked: Whose cell phone is this?

4. The earthworm family was very bored today, so the little earthworm cut himself into two pieces to play badminton. Mother Earthworm thought this method was good, so she cut herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Earthworm Dad thought for a while and cut himself into minced meat. The earthworm's mother cried and said: "Why are you so stupid? If you cut it into pieces like this, you will die!" The earthworm's father said weakly: "...Suddenly I want to play football."

5. During the physics class, the teacher: "Which of the voltages of 11 volts, 30 volts, 220 volts, 1000 volts and 3500 volts can be touched and which cannot be touched?" Student: "You can touch them all, but some can only be touched once."

6. A little girl called the radio station to ask for a song for her mother. Host: Why should she ask for a song for her mother? Little girl: Mom works very hard every day and can’t take a good rest on Sundays. She has to find various exercise books for me. The host was very moved and said that she was very sensible and a good child of her mother, so she asked what song she wanted. Little girl: "Why bother women?"...

1. The leader went to Miluo for an inspection, and the local tourism bureau was responsible for the reception. Walking to the bottom of a mountain, the tour guide said to the leader: "There is a scenic spot ahead." The leader asked: "What scenic spot?" The tour guide said: "It is a spring, Qu Yuan Spring." The leader asked again: "What spring?" The tour guide recounted Said: "Qu——Yuan——Quan." The leader said angrily: "You are the only one who knows Pinyin!"

2. The Jade Emperor: "Which beloved can describe that monkey to me?" Taibai Jin Xing: "He is dressed in golden hair and is very good at fighting. In a word, he is very pornographic and violent!"

3. While surfing the Internet in the house, I suddenly heard the aunt downstairs shouting through the loudspeaker: "Fuck on the third floor. "The gay man in Room 302 on the south side, please don't throw your garbage out the window and ruin the hygiene of the community." After more than ten seconds, I heard the aunt shout again: "The gay man in Room 302 on the third floor, you don't need to stare." I, aunt, I have never been afraid of anyone in the community!”

4. Today I went to China Everbright Bank to withdraw money with a buddy. He was withdrawing money. I saw an opinion note beside me, so I picked it up and flipped through it. After a moment, I only saw a few big words printed on the first page with my fingernails: Why is there no pen...

5. After dinner, smoke on the balcony. Suddenly I saw a fleeting light spot in the night sky, and I was excited: "Meteor!" So I immediately made a wish. After making six or seven wishes, he opened his eyes and found that he had finished smoking his cigarette and threw it out of the balcony. Suddenly I heard the voice of a girl downstairs: "Wow! Shooting star! Make a wish quickly..."

6. Small cinema advertisement: After a beauty fainted, she was dragged into the forest by seven men... If you want to see it, buy a ticket ! Showing: Snow White! Next day's ad: A stormy ecstasy of one woman and seven men, it's not Snow White! It's attractive, and it's not Snow White, buy the tickets! During the screening: The Eight Immortals Crossing the Sea! The next day the advertisement changed again: the husband was killed, the beautiful wife fell into the clutches of seven boys... If you are tempted, believe it again and buy a ticket! During the screening: Calabash Baby!

1. There was a drunk man who woke up in the morning and told his wife that there was a ghost in our house. When I came back last night, I went to the bathroom and the light turned on by itself as soon as I opened the door. There's also a chill coming! ! ! His wife slapped her: You peed in the refrigerator again!

2. The reporter interviewed a boss: "There are rumors in the society that you can't read. What do you think about this?" The boss dismissed it, stretched out three fingers and said: "Send them five words - — What nonsense!”

3. My cousin is still single in his thirties. Once I asked him: "Cousin, there are so many beauties in your work unit, why haven't you found a girlfriend yet?" My cousin said coldly: "Rabbits don't eat grass from their nests!" I said: "This is all. At this age, you still don’t think rabbits eat grass beside their nests?” My cousin said in frustration: “The beauty is the rabbit, I am the grass!”

4. The male teacher asked in the clinical class: “Which one is the rabbit?” Organs become 6-7 times larger when excited?" He asked a girl to answer. The girl blushed and said, "I refuse to answer!" The teacher then asked a boy to answer. The boy answered: "pupil." The teacher said, "Correct! "Then he said to the girl: I have three things to remind you: first, you don't have the content of the preview class; second, you are thinking wildly; third, you will be very disappointed after marriage!

5. One day with my colleagues I was taking a walk and saw a can on the ground, so I kicked the can away. When Lao Gao saw that the can was kicked, he twisted his waist and said to his colleagues: "Am I strong? Am I strong?" After a long time, the colleague said quietly: "Cheap."

< p>6. One day, the nurse in the mental hospital received a call. The person asked: "Miss, would you like to see if the patient in room 13 and bed 4 is still there?" The nurse said: "Please wait a moment." Passed. After a while, the nurse said: "Oh, he is gone!!!" The person on the phone said: "That's good! It seems that I really ran out this time..."

1. The teacher is here Write "confused" on the blackboard, and then ask the students: "What does this idiom mean?" The students stood up, pushed up their glasses for myopia, and looked carefully at the four words on the blackboard! I couldn’t see clearly after looking at it for a long time, and finally said helplessly: “Teacher, I can’t see clearly.” The teacher said: “You are right! Please sit down.”

2. The leader’s son loves to lie, and the leader I bought a polygraph and one day my son came home late. Father: Where are you going? Said: Reading in the library. The robot slapped him. Son: I went to my classmate’s house to watch pornographic films. Father: That’s so brave. I haven’t seen it since I was this old. The robot slapped its father.

The mother angrily rebuked: He deserves it for being so harsh on his son. No matter what, he is your biological child. Snap! The robot slapped its mother again!

3. Eight lies: 1. Telecom: We are losing money. 2. Boss: I will never forget your contribution. 3. Bus driver: Leave on time. 4. Clerk: I won’t work tomorrow. 5. Waiter: The food will be here soon. 6. Traders: big losses, big bleeding, big sales. 7. Movie star: We are just friends; 8. Leader: Now, let me just say a few words.

4. Once while watching a movie, the screen suddenly went dark, but the sound was still there. An audience member jumped up and shouted: "What are you doing, shaking the mouse!"

5. The instructor was giving a lecture, and suddenly the phone rang. He took it out, looked at it and said to us: "Ordinary people's I don’t answer calls, let alone in class, but this person’s call is very important to me, so I can’t help but forgive me.” Then, “Hello, I’m XXX… Oh. , you hit the wrong one!"

6. The son was repaired by his father and ran to his mother to complain: "Mom, what will you do if someone hits your son?" Mom: "I will hit his son. Revenge!" Son: "..."

1. Why is Tang Zhongzong Li Xian the most awesome emperor in history? Because ----- he himself is the emperor, his father is the emperor, his brother is the emperor, his son is the emperor, his nephew is the emperor, and what's more, his mother is also the emperor. Therefore, history gave Li Xian a very glorious name: Six Emperor Pills...

2. A woman took her dog to the veterinarian. The doctor said: "Your poodle..." The woman interrupted the doctor: "I'm sorry, please be respectful and don't call him 'dog'. He is my precious son." The doctor said: "How old is your son?" "9 months." "What's wrong with your son?" "He's been in a bad mood lately and always likes to bite people." "Has your son been vaccinated before?"

3. The biggest feature of Beijing noodle restaurants is their shouting. That day I went to eat noodles, and the waiter shouted: "Two bowls of noodles with soybean paste at table 5." After finishing the meal and paying the bill, person A said, "I'll give you 26, don't look for it." After taking the money, he shouted: "There is a customer at table 5, please give me a tip of 2 cents." People in the hall turned to look at him, and A blushed: "Okay, you should ask me for the 2 cents." The waiter shouted again: "The 2 cent tip from table 5 is going back again!"

4. A group of people in the girls' dormitory were eating canned food, but one bottle was too tight and the girl with the strongest hands I couldn't unscrew it after a long time. Xiaoli was anxious and roared: "I'll do it!" She was holding back all her strength, her face turned red, and she was twisting with all her strength... There was a "pop" sound, and the dormitory cheered.

Unexpectedly, Xiaoli shyly whispered: "My belt is broken..."

5. A boy likes the girl very much and keeps chasing her. The girl is not cold to the boy. Because the boy After a life-and-death struggle, one day the girl turned around during class, slammed the table, and said loudly to the boy: What do you like about me? Can't I change it? The boy said: I just like you and you don’t like me, you change it! ! !