40 classic jokes

40 classic jokes, many people say that an interesting soul is one in a million. In fact, in my opinion, interesting souls are actually personal. If some people are not enough to arouse their interest, let's take a look at 40 classic jokes.

40 classic jokes 1 1. Two ladies are complaining about the crowded bus now, which makes them very miserable. One said, "I'm really unlucky!" I was squeezed in the car. " One said, "I'm unlucky!" The car is so crowded that I'm pregnant. "

2. A man went to a prostitute hospital and asked her the price. The woman replied: 50 yuan. The man saw it was cheap and did it. The woman said: Please pay 100 yuan, and the man asked her why. The woman replied that she went in and out of 50 yuan. The man said angrily: * * * is moved by China, and it's a two-way charge!

3. The Beijing-Kowloon Railway is open to traffic, and farmers along it will see. A female passenger on the bus came for her period, corrected the paper and went out the window. The paper stuck to the farmer's face, and the farmer took it off and said, honey, it was so fast! A piece of paper can break your nose and bleed!

4. It's night. The husband is reading in bed. He puts his hand between his wife's legs from time to time. Wife undresses and coquettes. The husband asked: Why? The wife asked, What are your hands doing? The husband said solemnly: wet hands. Turning pages is easy!

5. One day, a monk met a nun and wrote a couplet: Part I: I didn't hang up during the day; The second part: I hung up at night; Part II: I am very free! The first couplet of a nun: daytime hole. The second couplet: the hole is empty at night. Cross: The request (ball) is answered.

6. Anhui famous wine since ancient times: a girl lifts her legs and gets drunk when she opens her mouth; Young men's legs are lifted, and gold seed wine; The old lady lifts her legs and Gu Jing salutes; As soon as the old man's legs are lifted, the holy spring will dry beer! Your legs are up, Chivalrous Spring Wine!

7. The father took his son to take a bath, and the ground was slippery. When his son was about to slip, he grabbed his father's genitals and didn't fall. Father scolded him and said that he-fortunately, he came with me. He wanted to go with you, not kill you!

8. A student studying in the United States went home to visit relatives and boasted: American factories are advanced in technology, pigs are brought in, and sausages are introduced! His father was very angry when he saw that he worshiped foreign things and admired foreigners. He said, "I am better than you. I pushed the sausage in and a live pig came out! " !

9. The twins are chatting in their mother's belly. The boss said: it's good that dad often sticks his head out to see us. He just doesn't like hygiene, so he throws up and leaves. The second said, it's better to be an uncle next door. After spitting, he put the sputum in a bag.

10. A man can't go home for a long time, and his wife feels very uncomfortable. One day, before he asked his wife to take down the mirror, she happily did so. He separated his wife's legs, put his chin behind her and asked her, Do I look good with a beard?

1 1. Say to the sanitary napkin, "I'm really afraid of you. Every time you start work, I have no business for a week. " The sanitary napkin was angry: "Don't pretend, my business will be ruined after ten months of negligence." .

12. The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle replied first: Yes! Compere: Give an example! The eagle burst into tears: that year, I fell asleep, the cat climbed the tree … and then there was the owl …

13. A migrant worker went to the hospital for a stool examination. After examination, the doctor gave the man a prescription. Migrant workers went to the pharmacy and found it was a roll of toilet paper. The doctor said: don't wipe his ass with a cement bag in the future.

14. A 70-year-old man and a young lady died of excessive ejaculation. Her family refused to take the young lady to court. The judge asked the forensic doctor to conduct an autopsy to find out the reason. The next conclusion after forensic autopsy: so comfortable!

15. Two dung beetles are discussing the welfare lottery. A said: If I win the lottery, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles of Fiona Fang and eat enough every day! B said: you are too vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day!

16. On the night of the bachelor's wedding, the bride struggled to hold the wall out and scolded, "liar, he said he had thirty years' savings, and I thought it was money! ! "

17. An old man went to Gaochao Village on business by bus. On the way, I asked the waitress: Is the climax here? The waitress said, not yet. After a while, he asked: Has the climax arrived yet? The waiter said, what's the hurry, bad old man I'll scream when the orgasm comes!

18. A young lady ordered a stir-fried whip flower while eating, and accidentally fell between her legs when picking vegetables. The young lady was shocked: this thing is really amazing! Cooked and chopped, it actually knows the way!

19. On the bus, a young man saw a beautiful woman with a low collar, and spring leaked out. He joked,' It's really a place where peach blossoms bloom'. Hearing this, the beauty lifted her skirt and said,' There is still room for you to have children and support you'!

20. My son sleeps with him every night. Say: Do you sleep with your wife when you grow up? Hmm. Say: What about your wife? The son said, let her sleep with her father. Dad said excitedly: this child has been sensible since childhood!

2 1. When the rooster came back from a business trip for a month, he heard that quail would always come. The rooster became suspicious. Two days later, the hen gave birth to a quail egg, and the cock was furious. The hen hurriedly explained that it was premature!

22. It's embarrassing for village women to report it! I really enjoyed myself last night. * * Ask him what the man looks like. I didn't see it clearly, but I must be a novice, because he couldn't find the place for a long time, and finally I helped him in.

24. The head of a poor village introduced the situation in the village: eating depends on the party, dressing depends on spinning, getting rich depends on grabbing, and daughter-in-law depends on thinking; Communication is basically-by yelling, traffic is basically by walking, public security is basically by dogs, and sexual life is basically by hands!

25. The butcher was caught, fined 4000 yuan and issued a receipt. One day, the butcher and his wife found this receipt, but they only knew 4000 yuan and didn't know the word'. They asked the butcher: what is a fine of 4000 yuan? The butcher replied: punish me for injecting water into the meat!

26. A gentleman was drunk and accidentally threw up in the ladies' room. It happened that a woman was peeing, and a gentleman was angry and said,' You said you don't drink, how can you pour wine? When the woman heard the sound of emergency stop, she didn't expect to hold her breath. When you heard this, you were furious:' Who opened another bottle! '

27. The gangster broke into the house and raped the woman. She met with fierce resistance. When her husband came back from other places and saw his wife being held down by gangsters, he swung his shovel and slapped her angrily. Then he heard her scold, "Damn, I resisted for a long time, and you photographed me with a shovel.

28. The leader of the unit made a concluding speech: The reasons for our poor work are as follows: First, like a widow sleeping, there is no one on it; Second, like a prostitute, the coat is always changed; Third, just like sleeping with a wife, our own people are always screwing our own people.

29. On September 28th, 1949, I was arrested. On the first day, the enemy beat me up, and I didn't confess. The next day, the enemy threw pepper water at me, and I didn't ask; On the third day, the enemy confessed with a honey trap; On the fourth day, I wanted to confess that he was really liberated.

30. A Japanese woman is taking a bath in the sauna, and she wants to find a China macho man to give her a bath. When the macho man was rubbing, he suddenly had a high sexual desire and inserted his penis into his shame. Japanese woman is furious: What are you doing? The macho man said: wipe inside!

3 1. At night, fools go to the park to watch couples make love, and they love to watch. The next morning, when they see a man doing push-ups, they will watch carefully. The man is furious: What are you looking at? Fool said: you are so stupid, you are still working when the servants are gone!

32. A man found his son with a gun on his head after work and was busy reprimanding his son. His son said indignantly, "Tomorrow we are going to play a play, some as good people and some as bad people. I asked the teacher what I could play. " The teacher said, "You play a crane!

33. Two history teachers got married, and both of them got married for the second time; After entering the bridal chamber, the woman went out to ask for the alliance: the night attack on Pearl Harbor frightened the beauty (fine); The man is right: two atomic bombs, Japan and Germany (had to) surrender; Horizontal batch: World War II!

34. A flea cried his misfortune to his partner: I used to live by a man's beard, and then I went to a vulva with great difficulty. As a result, I woke up the next morning and found myself growing back on a man's beard!

35. Life is always full of philosophy ... Life is like being raped: resist or enjoy; Work is like: if you can't do it yourself, let others do it; Society is like self: everything must be solved by our own hands!

36. Lili visited Mengcheng and had a bullwhip, which was delicious. What is that? Li Feng said, Min Niu has! The cow said, Li Feng also has it! Lily asked: Do I have it on me? Both of them replied: sometimes, sometimes not.

37. A fool has been married for half a year and has no children. My father asked my son if he had done anything, but he didn't understand. My dad said to hit the place where your wife peed with the hardest part of your body. The next day, my daughter-in-law said to him: Your son is crazy. He hit his head on the urinal all night!

38. Beauty-urgent urination, roadside urination, no paper, wipe with leaves. The leaves have thorns, and it hurts. The beauty was unhappy and said, "I can't stand eating meat all day and eating vegetables?"

39. The village head came home drunk in the middle of the night, lying in the pigsty by mistake, and asked his wife to pour him water. The sow snorted a few times, and the village chief said, "Forget it, why bother!" " Reaching for the pig's milk, he smiled and said, "Shit, I bought inferior leather clothes again, and it's double-breasted!" "

40. The old man took the train and mistakenly put his foot into the stall of a lady opposite him when he had a rest at night. After a few days, I felt itchy and uncomfortable. The doctor decided it was syphilis, and the old man even called it rare. The doctor said, "What is this? Yesterday came a B athlete's foot man! ! "

40 classic jokes 2 1. One day, an old man went to the hospital for intravenous drip, and a beautiful nurse gave him nine stitches, but the position was wrong. The nurse said, don't worry, grandpa, I will give you the tenth stitch. Grandpa said simply, girl, your surname is Li, right? The nurse said, hey, how do you know? Grandpa said: You must be the legendary Li Shizhen!

The interviewer put down his resume and told me to go back and wait for the call. After those books and graduate students, my first junior college student gave up hope directly. I was very surprised to get a call to go to work two days later. Later, I learned that after I went out, the interviewer had a stomachache and hurried to the toilet with my resume, and I forgot to take my mobile phone. This is the most detailed resume he has ever read.

The most unfortunate life is to live in unfortunate memories, the most unscientific life is to live in bad habits, the most unsatisfactory life is to live in the same mistakes, and the most desperate life is to bury one's ideals.

I knew a female classmate when I was in college. She asked me to fetch water every day. Later I found out that he had a boyfriend. I asked her why you had a boyfriend and asked me to fetch you water. She said it was to give her boyfriend a rest! I dragged her to the dormitory without saying anything. Then she cried and asked me why I did this to her. I said I wanted to give your boyfriend a rest. Did I do the right thing?

The cruelest sentence in this world is not that I'm sorry, nor that I hate you, but that we can never go back. This is a simple sentence, to keep two people who were close to each other at a distance. People who have never experienced it will never understand what kind of pain it is.

Honey, I won't come back tonight. I'm here. Sleep with me. "The man hung up the phone and said to the woman lying beside him lightly," In the face of such deception, I can't talk about this love. Give your daughter a message. " Say, turn around and get dressed and leave. ......

7. Friends who have seen Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf, have you ever wondered why the son of Big Big Wolf has a small surname instead of a gray surname? You may have forgotten that there was once an insignificant little character, the little white wolf.

One day in winter, the peasant woman found a frozen snake outside her house. She felt sorry for it, so she stuffed it into her body and warmed the snake with a fire-like body. The snake soon woke up and became soft. The farmer was very sad, so she put the snake outside the house again. ...

9. Horse face: "It's scary. The new boy guarding the oil pan hell is a BT." Rebecca: "Oh?" Horse face: "Every time he pushes someone into the oil pan, he forces others to hug each other." Yan: "Oh, nothing, he used to fry fried dough sticks.

10. "How to strike up a conversation with a passing female classmate?" "Stop, you wipe my shoulder and I'll wipe you."

A brother of 1 1 LZ pulled a man and a woman last night. The man asked the woman, "Can you come into your dormitory so late?" The woman said, "Nothing, I have an ID card." Then the man asked me where there was an Internet cafe nearby. I said no, I dragged them directly to the door of the hotel. Dude, I can only help you so much.

12. Just bored, I tried to send a message to 10086: "I miss you". Unexpectedly, 10086 really sent back a message: "You damn fool, come and find me!" Then I was so scared that I quickly put down my father's cell phone.

13. I love my girlfriend deeply. In my heart, my girlfriend is an angel. Although I can't give her a pair of wings, I can make her fly. Can you do it? Saying that you love each other can't meet each other's requirements. In fact, it is very simple: hydrogen!

14. I went to my father-in-law's house for a few days. I haven't made out with my wife for a long time. Just today, the old couple went out and wanted to borrow it from their wife xo. Brother-in-law: Brother-in-law, you are telling me that you want to fuck my sister, so please let me out.

15. A few days ago, my friend introduced me to a sister, saying that she was rich and a rich lady. I'm an honest man. It's good for me if she has money or not. Later, I learned that a wealthy family is a bath center.

16. I drank too much last night and drove home. I was stopped by the traffic police on the way. I took out a machine and said to me: Blow! So I started playing. I said that my family has 800 million property, more than 500 villas, 6 Lamborghini and 8 Maserati. The traffic police yelled at me at that time. He said, bunny, I told you to blow. I suddenly realized that after a while, I began to blow the equipment in the hands of the traffic police. This is the special equipment of American agents. It's awesome and expensive. The result was recorded at the police station last night.

17. Chang 'e's rabbit was ill, so Chang 'e took it to Yue Lao. Yue Lao looked at the rabbit and said, it's hopeless, Moon Rabbit. Any last words? Moon Rabbit said: I just want to eat a tasteless carrot before I die.

18. I was told more than once when I was a child that kissing will get pregnant, and kissing will get pregnant. As a result, my cat jumped up to grab the meat and kissed me on the mouth. A few months later, it gave birth to three kittens ... out of a sense of responsibility, I won't let those three kittens eat meat!

19. After class, I bought a canned plum. Anyway, the soup in the canned plum is red, like blood. I couldn't drink any more, so I ate the plums and gave the canned soup to my boyfriend. I asked, "Is it delicious?" "hmm." This guy wiped his mouth and asked me, "What's next month?"

20. A 70-year-old man took his 20-year-old wife to the hospital for examination. The doctor said that old people don't have that function, and they can't have any more children. The wife cried, but the old man didn't cry. After returning, the old man opened a steamed stuffed bun shop, and later the old man went to prison!

2 1. A Jewish girl took a taxi home at night, only to find that the driver drove into a dark forest. The driver stopped the car, brushed the back door and began to pull down her clothes. The girl screamed loudly: "Stop! Stop! " The driver smiled and said, "Don't be nervous, dear. I just want to have some fun. It won't hurt you. " The girl shouted excitedly, "That's not what I meant! Will you stop the meter first? "

22. I said to my friend, "Every time my nurse sister comes to give me an infusion, I have to pretend that I don't know what a rubber tube is tied to my hand, just to listen to those three soft words:" Pulse pressing belt ... "Then my friend replied," Do you like driving tests? " The female coach of the co-pilot said softly, "Move the library. "This is great, you.

23. I recently found a perfect' marriage age gap': a 20-year-old beauty marries a 50-year-old rich man. When a beautiful woman is 50 years old, the rich man dies and the beautiful woman becomes a rich woman; Then the 50-year-old rich woman married the 20-year-old handsome guy. Thirty years later, the rich woman died and the handsome boy became a rich man. Then a 50-year-old rich handsome guy marries a 20-year-old beautiful woman. ...

24. Young doctor: "I will be listed for business tomorrow. Can you teach me some experience? " Middle-aged doctor: "the bill should be written clearly, and the prescription should be scribbled."

25. I went to the hospital for an injection. A little nurse may be an intern. She is very nervous. She pricked me with a needle ten times, but she couldn't find a blood vessel. I gnashed my teeth and said, "Sister, is your surname Li?" She said, "How do you know?" I said, "It's simple, because you look like the legendary Li Shizhen."

26. The patient is worried about his head. After the X-ray examination, he asked the doctor, "Is there anything in my head?" Doctor: "Nothing." Patient: "Ah, is it really so serious?"

27. Xu Xian stood in front of the Leifeng Tower and said sadly, "Fahai, you bald donkey, bury my wife under this tower, let's separate!" What is the reason? " Before Fahai could speak, Mrs. White Snake whispered in the tower, "If you want to jump a storey in Hangzhou, do you still expect a little salary?"

28. One night, when a couple were having sex while lying down, the husband patted his wife on the shoulder and began to rub her arm. The wife turned over and said, "Sorry, dear, I have an appointment with a gynecologist tomorrow. I want to keep it intact." The husband was rejected and turned over to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled over and patted his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have an appointment with the dentist tomorrow?

29. Wukong went to ask Guanyin's sister, "Guanyin, is it the jade emperor or the Tathagata ..." Guanyin was furious, "Po Hou, what do you know?"

30. A new foreigner lives next door to a friend. One night, a foreigner knocked at the door for help and said, "My TV is broken and I can't change the channel." The buddy looked down at his watch and said calmly, "It will be fine after 7: 30."

3 1. If the shop assistant says contemptuously when buying clothes, "This dress is very expensive, don't touch it unless you buy it." If you are not afraid, you will answer her and say, "It seems that you are rich. If you have money, you won't sell it! " "

I always had a crush on her at school, but I didn't have the courage to confess, let alone touch her. She got married after graduation, and her husband was our classmate. That afternoon, she was breast-feeding, and I made a good excuse. I walked up to her, put my hand on her chest, and then told her doll, call uncle, don't shout, don't eat!

33. It's too hot. Take the subway Crowded. Crowded. You rub me, I rub you. Estee Lauder on her left arm, Mentholatum on her right arm, Nivea on her chest and Ozman on her back. The most exasperating thing is that I obviously used Dabao hand cream when I went out in the morning, but suddenly I smelled a fresh and clean smell after I got out of the subway!

34. I saw a chubby woman watching a sexy beauty eat in a restaurant. She called the waiter and asked, "What did that girl eat?" The waiter said, "Oh, a diet meal!" "Then give me two diet meals!"

35. "Excuse me, how can I get to the square?" Once again, I was stopped to ask for directions. I used to tell him in the opposite direction, and then I felt smug that I had lied to someone. But now I'm not. Maybe I have passed my childhood. I told him patiently, "Go through two traffic lights, turn left at the second crossing, and walk 50 meters, and you will see a pedestrian street ... there are many people on that street." Ask them how to get there. "

36. "When my boyfriend comes back from military service, he is afraid that he hasn't touched a woman for too long and can't control it. He was afraid I wouldn't like it. I have to shout "Ready121121..." when I do xxoo. I'm so forgetful, I'm all soft, and my pronunciation has become one, two, one, two, two. The boyfriend listened to the slogan more slowly, and used his quick wits to shout: "The enemy is coming, let's go! " "

37. The man selling fried dough sticks came back from his hand and took the fried dough sticks to the female customer without washing his hands. The female customer noticed and said, "I don't want what you took, let your daughter-in-law take it for me!" " After the daughter-in-law gave her the fried dough sticks, she looked at the back of the female customer and muttered, "He just touched you and got dirty. I touched it all night last night! "

One day in class, the teacher saw Tom always talking and said angrily, "Tom, if you are dishonest, I will tell your father." Tom said very calmly, "Teacher, I'm not satisfied with you either, but I never told your father."

39. A man kneels in front of an anonymous person and makes love. Woman: "What are you doing? You have already knelt in front of other women, and now you have to lie to me? " A man: "honey, I was practicing!" " "

40. There is a boy girlfriend in the dormitory who is darker. One night his girlfriend was dating in the school Woods and kissing under the tree. Afterwards, I went back to the dormitory and found that there was a lot of food on the table, so I ate happily. At this time, the person in charge of the room came over and said slowly, "Brother, if you have any difficulties, just tell us.". I saw it just now when I was studying by myself. You are holding a tree and gnawing at the bark! " "How black his girlfriend is.

40 classic jokes 3 1, the most painful thing in military training is not sunbathing, not fatigue, but not being able to bring a mobile phone! Take so many steps every day but you can't show off. .

2. Say, "I have three glasses of wine here at the moment.

3, a leader on the wine table, a cup of first, who does not drink, who is dad!

My husband is going on a business trip for half a year, and my wife is packing. After that, I handed my husband a pack of condoms affectionately and said, I can't help it outside. Remember to wear condoms. After listening to this, my husband said excitedly: If you are not well off at home, use theirs.

5. It's embarrassing for village women to report it! I was bullied last night. Ask him what that man looks like. I didn't see it clearly, but I must be a novice, because he couldn't find a place for a long time, and finally I helped him in.

6. A man saw an advertisement: No surgery, no hospitalization, make your genitals bigger and thicker easily! I was overjoyed and remitted the money immediately. A few days later, I received the parcel and eagerly opened it! Fuck! It turned out to be a magnifying glass!

7. Ask a woman why she wants a divorce. "Because I have him!" Ask a man why he wants a divorce. "Because I have found out all the ins and outs of her!

8. I drove the goddess home after dinner last night. I was a little excited on the way.

9. One or two beggars go begging, one old and one young, waiting for the boss to throw leftovers at the door. They went to a restaurant.

10, I ran into my ex-boyfriend on the road and suddenly felt so ugly.

1 1. When I was at school, I still had some prestige at school. I remember once changing my school rules.

12. My wife didn't go home until the early hours of the morning playing mahjong. In order not to disturb her husband, she stripped off her clothes in the living room before entering the bedroom. Just as her husband woke up, he was furious and said, it's too much! You lost everything?

13, today is. I met my wife for the first time. Secretly told me at the wedding reception. I fell in love with her at first sight, and my life partner decided that she was. My wife suddenly lost her temper. At that moment, I found the story of my ex-girlfriend, and I realized that I said it at the guest table, and she was there.

14, there are three fundamental reasons for poor work: First, it doesn't matter, like a widow sleeping, there is no one on it; Second, it is unstable, like a prostitute sleeping, the top is always replaced; The third is disunity, like sleeping with a wife, one of our own always engages in one of our own.

15, "I want to give birth to your child!" "Stop it." "I really want to give you a baby, ok!" "I'll go. How can a big man give me a baby?" "That's easy. Lend me your wife. " Damn it, I won't kill you.

16, the girl's girlfriend bought a new Smart car, and there is a big iron bar under the back seat, which shows that there are many people who hate the rich now, so they have good self-defense.

17, one night, a naked man called a taxi and the female driver stared at him. The naked man was furious and shouted, you, he has never seen a naked man! The female driver is also angry: I see where you pay! Comments: Special service for special customers!

18, professional household, number of cows in the field In order to maintain grazing, a male cow was raised, so it was placed among cows!

19, Wukong went to ask sister Guanyin: Sister Guanyin, is it the jade emperor or the Tathagata ... Guanyin was furious: Po Hou, what do you know!

20. Wife: Honey, I have connected the water. Go and wash! Husband: Wait a minute, when I finish playing this game. Wife: No, the water won't be hot for a while. Good boy! My husband reluctantly withdrew from the competition and ... washed the dishes.

2 1, my cousin idled around and borrowed usury and ran away. The lender calls my uncle every day.

22. A couple came to the wishing pool. The husband bent down, made a wish and put a coin back in the well. My wife also wanted to make a wish, but when she bent down, she accidentally fell into the well. The husband was shocked, and then smiled and told himself that he was really smart!

23. I remember there was a question in the school exam. What school is Li Qingzhao? I wrote about the Wu Tang clan.

24. A male student in our class got full marks in mathematics and failed in English, and was punished by the English teacher for standing in the corridor. . .

25. My colleague finished decorating the house and went to the building materials market. The best wallpaper is quoted at 3000 yuan/square meter.

26. My son is very naughty. He accidentally hurt his knee while playing, and sent him to the hospital for dressing.

27. Just now, the road was surrounded by several gangsters. Polytechnic has been reborn, and his money is black. Surprised and stupid, the buddy whispered, "I'm sorry my pants got smaller after a while." I, I, I have no change. " Solid for ten seconds) "(The air condensed and was badly beaten, and then that buddy.

On the morning of their wedding night, the groom woke up to find the bride in tears. Surprised and asked, Honey, why are you crying? The bride cried: How will you live in the future? You used that thing all night, and it has shrunk to nothing! What to do in the future!

29, a driver soliciting, asked passengers where to go, the guest replied: the end of life. The driver asked again. The guest said, fuck, I don't even know the crematorium. The driver was unhappy and scolded: thanks to the end of my life, I have to drive to the source of my life!

30. In college, I cut films until my junior year and locked myself in the editing room. When I replaced WSJ, I thought it was time to go to the bathroom. I changed it in the editing room and became mean.

3 1. I found an ant at home. I put some sugar in front of him. He looked at it for a while, and he should have run home. Then I took the sugar away. I want his companions to think that he is a liar.