The unbearable pain of life prose

I haven't seen my mother for seven years. She was buried in her hometown. Every time I come to my mother's grave to offer sacrifices, I give her paper money, winter clothes and food. When I look at the wind-covered wasteland, Leng Yun flies and scraps of paper fly, there will always be bouts of pain. When I am alone, I always think of my mother's face. I want to write some words to commemorate my mother or leave some influence on future generations, but tears often precede ink. Finally, I sorted out the diary of that year, from which I can see a little of my mother's love and our hearts.

I want to give this document to my dear mother. The topic is "Mother's Disease Diary".

Independent Jeremy goldkorn sees the lack and looks around for the Xuantang.

I miss my loved ones, shed tears of injury, and feel the most sad and stupid when I resign.

Because there is happiness, there is always anxiety because of losing care.

Cold snow is falling around me, and it is better to be cold in winter.

January 1 (1998)

Today is the first day of New Year's Day, and my parents go back to Jingyang's hometown for the New Year. Since the winter, my mother has been in poor health and has had many colds and fever. She can't reduce her fever without infusion. We suggest that mother take a good look at the doctor She said that when people get old, they will be a little behind, so it doesn't matter. I know my mother is used to frugality and is afraid of spending money on medical treatment.

2007 1 month 65438

Today, my sister accompanied my mother to the Fourth Military Medical University for examination. B-ultrasound results show that there is something wrong with the gallbladder, which may be caused by gallstones. According to the doctor's advice, anti-inflammatory drugs should be infused for a week to check the effect. My mother has a low fever recently, and her appetite has been greatly reduced. We suggest that she have a comprehensive physical examination. She said that we would talk about it after the Chinese New Year, and everyone was too busy before the Chinese New Year.

February 9(th)

Today, big brother and big sister accompanied my mother to the Fourth Military Medical University for a comprehensive examination, which lasted all morning. After returning home, my sister quietly told me that my mother's illness had a new situation. B-ultrasound examination results suspected gallbladder Ca or polyp. If it's a tumor, it's probably malignant, and the situation is scary. I was completely unprepared, extremely shocked and deeply distressed. I hope this is a misdiagnosis, and I will treat my mother at any cost.

February 12

Today, eldest brother, sister-in-law and elder sister once again accompanied their mother to the Fourth Military Medical University for examination and treatment. After repeated examination, Jun big doctor thinks that her mother's disease is gallbladder cancer, which can't be cured, can't be operated, can only be treated conservatively, and her life may only last for three months to six months. Our whole family (maybe only my dad doesn't know the details yet) are shocked! Today is the 46th anniversary of Mom and Dad's wedding. We used this as an excuse to ask our mother to take a picture. We took turns taking photos with our mother, forcing a smile on our faces, but our hearts were bleeding.

March 65438, 2003

My mother has been receiving treatment, and her physical condition has obviously declined. She has been suffering from persistent anorexia, abdominal pain, low fever and constipation. We have mobilized my mother to go to many hospitals for examination, and consulted many experts with CT photos, hoping to create miracles and change the diagnosis conclusion. But the doctor said that the mother's condition has reached the advanced stage, and it won't last long, so she can only take conservative treatment. If you have surgery, you may not be able to get off the operating table. This statement is a great blow to us.

March 30

Mother's illness is completely controlled by drugs, and she needs injections and infusions every day. Sometimes I go to the hospital, and sometimes I invite medical staff to come home for infusion. She can't move anymore, so she can only sit in the yard when the weather is good.

April 1

Today, my mother's illness suddenly worsened and she began to have a fever in the morning. The effect of antipyretic injection is not obvious. At 6 pm, the temperature reached 38.4℃. My eldest brother, sister-in-law and brother-in-law sent my mother to Air Force 54 1 Hospital, where she was hospitalized in a department (oncology department). Infusion starts at 9: 00 pm and ends at 3: 00 am. Eldest brother and sister-in-law are in the hospital with their mother. My mother asked me to go home and say hello to my dad, and told me to sleep in a big room with my dad at night. I quickly promised to go home with my father. I was in a bad mood. I couldn't help crying on the way to and from the hospital. I was in a trance and almost collided with a car.

April 2(nd)

Mother continued to be hospitalized, and the CT examination report showed: "gallbladder Ca, liver infiltration, double pancreatic head metastasis." At present, surgery is impossible, and only drugs and chemotherapy can be used to control the disease and prevent the spread of cancer cells. My father is worried that my mother will know her illness, so he doesn't want people in the yard to visit the hospital. Several of my friends took flowers to the hospital to visit my mother. They advised me to take care of myself in order to save my mother. I was so worried that I couldn't help crying.

April 8(th)

Mother has been in hospital for a week, and her condition has not deteriorated further, but it has not improved much. When there is no infusion in the afternoon, my mother often walks in the hospital yard accompanied by others. When communicating with patients, she always looks very guilty and thinks that "she is sick and tied the baby". I braved the drizzle and went to Wolong Temple to pray for my mother. When I was worshipping the Buddha, there was a sudden evil wind in the temple, and I was frightened. It seems that this is really not a good sign.

May 10

Mother has been receiving treatment in the hospital. At present, we can only adopt conservative therapy and use nutritional drugs such as fat milk and amino acids to maintain physical fitness. She is in good spirits and in a good mood. When the fever was severe, she jokingly told the nurse that her stomach was "hot enough to burn a pot helmet". Big brother waits on the bed all day, tirelessly, and sometimes smiles to comfort his mother. We also try our best to hide the pain, and dare not show too much sadness in front of our mother, hoping to alleviate her illness with filial piety.

May 3 1

Mother is still in hospital, and her condition shows no signs of improvement. Among relatives and friends, many people go to the hospital to visit. Auntie, uncle, second dad, second mom and uncle have also come from their hometown several times, because after seeing everyone, my mother is very sad and cries from time to time. I am afraid that someone will accidentally leak it out and make my mother desperate, so I often refuse to answer my mother's phone. We often accompany my mother in the hospital. My mother jokingly called herself "the end of the house". Wherever she is, it is lively, and the whole family loves to revolve around her. Mother is indeed the cohesion point of home, but only when mother is at home can home give people a warm and comfortable feeling. Although she is lying in the hospital bed now, she is still thinking about her grandson's stinkiness and transcendence, paying attention to the growth of stinky, diligently asking about the baby's growth and changes, and telling her sister to pay attention to managing the baby, not worrying about her, and not going to the hospital to see her often. He asked me to take care of my brother's study, daily life and diet.

June 30(th)

My mother is still in the hospital. Because of effective measures, her condition has not developed much. My mother said many times in the past that she hoped to go back to her hometown for burial in a hundred years, so my eldest brother went back to his hometown to say hello to the village cadres, hoping to find a cemetery in the village and ask craftsmen to make coffins for her. It is said that making coffins for the elderly in leap month will make them live longer, and we also want to take this opportunity to celebrate. Eldest brother chose Jia Mu and hired a good craftsman to make a pair of three-inch cypress boards, which were well carved. My sister and sister-in-law bought shroud and other supplies for my mother at the shroud shop near Wolong Temple at the entrance of the academy. I go to the hospital every day to accompany my mother, bring her something she always likes to eat, talk or do something I can. My mother told me a lot about her past, including many hardships and sufferings. How many happy days and happy days were there? Let me feel the injustice of fate! More painful for mother's illness. My mother was born on the third day of the twelfth lunar month on 1933. She has many brothers and sisters, and her family was poor when she was young. She has no chance to study. She is good at needles and tea. 17 years old, attended literacy classes during the land reform. After the mother married her father, as a new daughter-in-law, she took the initiative to participate in the collective labor of the production team and was enthusiastic about collective activities, which was relatively rare at that time. She actively pursues progress and has the opportunity to work with her father, but in order to take care of her family and the elderly, she has been doing farm work in the production team. My mother used to be the captain of women's production, a member of the sewing group of the brigade, and a buyer of the commune supply and marketing cooperative. What makes my mother proudest is that one day when she was working, she let the woman who was drying cotton have a rest. As a result, as soon as the people dispersed, the cliff on the edge of the field collapsed and hit the place where cotton was drying. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Some people say that thanks to her mother's blessing on her soul, she saved everyone, otherwise the consequences would be unimaginable.

July 2009, 65438

My mother is still in hospital, and her condition is getting worse. She takes a lot of medicine every day and suffers great pain. I go to the hospital every day to accompany my mother and talk to her. My mother worked hard all her life, but she didn't enjoy leisure and happiness. After serving two generations of old people and raising five children, I worked hard to stay up late, exhausted my years and energy, and my body was tired. My mother has always been diligent and thrifty, taking pleasure in hardships, being kind, kind and respectable, doing good extensively and being respected. She worked hard, supported her ancestors, raised her children, took care of her grandchildren, managed her family well, succeeded in starting a business, taught her children skills, and undertook hundreds of tasks by herself. Eventually, she fell ill because of overwork and became seriously ill.

After my mother and father got married, my father has been studying and working in Xi 'an, and my mother has taken on the heavy responsibility of supporting and serving three elderly people of two generations in my hometown alone. She endured humiliation, suffered the bad taste and ill feelings of many ordinary people. When she was in the countryside, she did a lot of farm work that only men could do, such as plowing cattle, threshing wheat fields and reclaiming land. At that time, Tainai was nearly ninety years old, sick for many years, and was taken good care of by her mother. However, due to many relatives, mothers often get no praise and even suffer a lot of grievances. Grandpa is eccentric and grumpy, which also makes mom very proud and adds a lot of trouble. Grandma is very kind, but she is ill and can't help her mother. 1973, three old people died one after another within one year, and the mother handled the funeral independently. In that era of material poverty, she tried her best to make things perfect, so that her father had no worries. It's really hard for her mother. Because they have no children for many years after marriage, the elderly in the family are very picky about their mothers. A relative even asked to send a clay doll home from the temple, but his father fell down angrily and broke his leg. On this basis, some people assert that some children of mothers will be sick and disabled. Unfortunately, it was said, and it finally came true for me after several years. I am in poor health. I have been ill since I was a child, and my lower limbs were disabled after the operation, which became the burden of my mother's life. /kloc-at the end of 0/979, my father moved my mother's and my little sister's account to Xi 'an. After my mother came to Xi, she did not have a formal job. She cleaned the office building, looked after bicycles, managed the gate of the family courtyard, delivered milk, and served as the director of the neighborhood Committee. My mother is helpful and very popular. She often sews children's cotton-padded clothes for others and quilts for newcomers. People around her affectionately call her mother "Guo Sao" or "Ma Guo".

Eldest brother once said, "If our mother doesn't come to town, maybe she will bring an old cage to cut sheep." The implication is that my mother didn't enjoy herself after she went to town, and she was still overworking herself. My mother hasn't had a formal job since she went to town. At first, she cleaned the experimental building, including the toilet. As a strong woman, the inner pain is understandable. As a loving mother, five children make her heart hang in two places, so she often cries secretly. My mother is a willing heart. She tried her best to encourage her children to study. My sister and my second brother were admitted to universities one after another and stayed in Xi after graduation. My sister and I have grown up and embarked on our respective jobs. After the grandson was born, the mother took the initiative to undertake logistics. For the sake of their children's family happiness, she was heartbroken and angry. Many times, she had to put up with it. Lying in a hospital bed, my mother is most concerned about the study, diet and daily life of her grandchildren.

July 20(th)

My mother's condition suddenly deteriorated, and she continued to have a high fever, vomiting and difficulty breathing at night. The doctor gave her emergency treatment, and the effect was not obvious. She started using oxygen.

July 28(th)

Mother's condition is getting worse and worse, and she is in a semi-coma for some time every day. My father often looks in a trance, my brothers look sad, my sister looks haggard, and the whole family is shrouded in a sad atmosphere. Listening to my mother's moans, I often go to Lacrimosa, and I am in pain.

July 29(th)

Mom came home from the hospital, and the doctor was unable to give a critical notice, so let us make preparations early. We have decided to follow my mother's wishes and send her back to her hometown for rest and treatment, hoping to extend her life for a long time with the help of her hometown's landscape aura.

30 July

Today, my father, big brother, sister and second brother accompanied my mother to take an ambulance back to Jingyang's hometown. My mother is determined to die in her hometown. Many friends and colleagues from the hospital came to visit and bid farewell to their mother. They all expressed their concern and blessings, hoping for a miracle and a speedy recovery of their mother. Mother thanked them one by one and answered calmly, rarely showing sadness. This requires great self-control. She must know that she is facing farewell. We also hide our tears and smile to thank everyone. The second brother specially found a camera to record all the scenes of seeing his mother off, and the younger sister specially invited a nurse and prepared an oxygen bag to prevent accidents. Fortunately, the journey was smooth. After more than two hours, my mother returned to her hometown safely and was in a good mental state. She can still sit in front of the TV and watch early videos.

August 9(th)

Today, I went back to my hometown to visit my mother. I think her spirit is still good, her appetite is ok, and her condition seems to be improving. This is all because of my mother's love for her hometown, and her spiritual strength has cheered her up a lot. I didn't stay at home because of work, so I came back that night. The car broke down halfway, and I was lying on the highway, and the night wind blew my clothes. Loneliness makes me sad.

August 16

Today, my sister and I went back to my hometown to see my mother. My eldest brother said on the phone that my mother's condition has deteriorated. I'm worried, only complaining about the slow car. In fact, the bus is very fast, and the journey takes less than two hours. I decided to stay at home and wait on my mother. Filial piety before going to bed is my greatest wish. Eldest brother invited Master Yin and Yang to visit his mother's grave, and he found a piece of land in the north of the village. The terrain is like the back of a turtle and the wings of a butterfly. The so-called pillow is Xifeng and the foot is Jinghe. The terrain is also very high, satisfying his mother's wish to build the grave higher.

September fourth.

Today, my sister and I went back to our hometown to visit my mother again. She is in critical condition and hasn't eaten for two days. She groans all day and must take oxygen at any time. The situation is tragic. I was very sad and helpless, so I went to the Buddhist temple and made a wish to the Buddha statue, willing to trade my third birthday for my mother's life. I wonder if the Buddha can allow it. At the moment, I believe in ghosts and gods with medical skills and hope to help my mother relieve her pain as much as possible.

September 8(th)

My mother was in a semi-coma all day, and when she woke up, she moaned and could hardly open her eyes and could not express herself. Her blood vessels can no longer absorb the medicine, and the infusion has stopped. We don't take off our clothes at night and don't kiss our pillows. I have been sitting by the bed and feeding my mother water. Half a spoonful of water needs to be fed many times, and it can only wet my lips at a time. The outlet of the oxygen bag has been pressing on my mother's nostrils. I deeply hate that I can't share my mother's pain and spend all my time in Lacrimosa.

September ninth.

My mother is critically ill and can only rely on oxygen. I have been at the bedside with my father, brother and sister. At 2 o'clock in the morning, my mother suddenly woke up and asked me, "Why are you still sitting here?" Then I fell asleep again. This is the most complete sentence I have heard from my mother since I went home for a week. This is a very clear concern, which shows that my mother will never forget and care about her children.

September 10

Mother was critically ill and didn't swallow saliva for two days. She groaned so badly that she couldn't control herself and didn't know everything outside. But from noon, my mother suddenly had a little consciousness, and even struggled out of bed with her last strength, muttering, "Help me down, let me down." This is probably what people call a dead end, and its situation makes me feel extremely painful and sad. I couldn't bear to watch, so I went to the backyard to hoe and cut down trees, and used these heartless things to vent my anger. At night, there are "goo goo" birds singing in the trees behind the house, which is creepy. Local customs think that this thing is ominous, and people will die where it sings. I hate it. I look around with a slingshot, trying to get rid of it, but I only hear its voice, but I can't see its shadow.

September 1 1

My mother passed away at 6: 15 this morning. She looks serene, as if asleep, without painful struggle, but her eyes are slightly open, which seems endless. Eldest brother caressed her with his hand, hoping her mother would close her eyes. Mother, may the spirit of heaven rest in peace. The pain that has plagued you for eight months has disappeared. When we died at noon, we were heartbroken, miserable and unable to express our feelings. I stood on my head, crying my head off, feeling crazy, out of breath, tearing and cracking my clothes, which made my relatives and friends very sad.

September 12

Mother's mourning hall is located in the living room, decorated solemnly, surrounded by flowers around her portrait, and the ribbon says our endless grief and deep blessing to her. According to local customs, funerals must be grand and orderly, with many ceremonies. With the help of many people, my mother's funeral went smoothly, which is unprecedented in the village in recent years. I stayed up all night, eating and sleeping. Many relatives and friends came to offer their condolences. The front door is covered with wreaths and paper products, and the yard is covered with tents and bird couplets. Many friends came from Xi 'an to express their condolences to my mother and tried their best to comfort me. At this moment, my heart is numb with pain, and I am infatuated, just kneeling in front of my mother's spirit mechanically. Eldest brother and nephew Feng are the eldest son and grandson, dressed in hemp crown paper clothes, with the words "bereavement of mother, birth of me" written on the back of his chest; If you want to repay your kindness, you will be extremely confused. "I wrote a couplet for my mother and posted it outside the gate:" Serve my ancestors, raise my parents, educate my children and take care of my grandchildren for life. Five generations have been grateful for keeping a family, starting a business, accumulating virtue and doing good deeds. The banner reads "I miss my parents and look at the clouds". "

September 13

At seven o'clock in the morning, with the heartbreaking cry of "Mom ...", the earthen basin was broken, the scraps of paper were flying, and the cry was deafening. The mother's coffin was lifted by sixteen villagers. Big brother, second brother and cousins are carrying Lingxian and dragging the coffin slowly forward. The air is filled with sadness and joy, paper money is flying on the ground, gun scraps are filled with sadness, the ware opens the way for the mother, the golden couple is in front, the green lion and the white elephant are behind, dozens of grandsons and grandsons and men are holding flower rings and paper products, and hundreds of villagers are shoveling the soil with shovels, marching with heavy steps to escort the mother to the cemetery in the north of the village. Mom will rest here. I witnessed a piece of yellow land covering my mother's coffin, and I couldn't help running to the grave again and again. I want to stay with my mother for a while, but I am closely protected by my two cousins, so I can't.

Mother has left us forever. It is not just us who suffer, but our hearts are sad and there are no tears in the sky. Mothers and children can no longer be intimate and kind, and they can be close to Gaotang; You can no longer listen to kindness training to warn you of stupidity; You can no longer support eating and drinking to show your mind; I can't enjoy my family with my knees anymore. Alas, mother, there is a spirit in heaven; Alas, mother, there is knowledge underground. In the future, we will not be able to get rid of our inner bitterness. As the saying goes, "fearless", the Book of Songs says, "What can I rely on without my mother?" How can I solve my future difficulties? I can only live in endless pain and thoughts, and no one will wipe away the frightened tears in my eyes when I wake up from a nightmare. Only in my heart and dreams, in the hearts and dreams of our brothers and sisters, and in the hearts and dreams of children, there will always be a kind face, kind care and endless sorrow brought by missing.

Mother, your life will last forever, your voice will last forever and you will be with us!

May mom take care and have a nice trip!

Mother, rest in peace!