Nirvana Rebirth: Never learn to say no in the face of family background.

Growing regret brought by family background is the biggest source of our negative emotions. It is very necessary for emotional management to know the emotional source of family background.

An important lesson in facing life

It's really not easy to face the family background, sometimes it's painful, but only when you face it can you grow up and break the cycle. This is a step-by-step process, and you can't start from the beginning. Don't say "no" casually. Generally speaking, we can start from two aspects: 1. Express your true feelings to your family.

Expressing anger is not repressed. Some people suppress their emotions in their own homes, thinking that they should not be angry, and they can't bear the consequences after being angry, so they choose silence and threesome. After practice, unhappy people will shout out. This expression of anger is progress, because he found an outlet for anger. Even if others think he has a bad temper or can't treat people well, at least his emotions will not be suppressed in his body to ensure that his body will not get sick. The biggest source of our energy is our body. If your body is not depressed, your energy will begin to flow in a positive direction.

The ultimate goal of emotional training is not to let you vent. Finding an emotional outlet is only the first step. When you learn to describe truthfully, express and not suppress, you can gradually face your emotions and begin to manage them effectively. For example, when emotions come, how to observe them, don't let them hurt you, and then release them to yourself.

Emotional interpretation is whether you can bear the anger of others after expressing your emotions angrily. This is what we call the first stage of growth, that is, changing the morbid state, a process of climbing the pit. The biggest problem with this pit is that we usually don't really express ourselves.

Why dare not express yourself? The simple summary is insecurity. Growing up in a family, parents' behaviors, words, how they deal with relationships, how they deal with emotions, and how they treat you affect you like hypnosis, such as being afraid of rejecting others and saying no to others, which makes you flustered. This is the experience of growing up with parents since childhood, telling you that refusing means hurting. When you want an ice cream and your parents decide not to buy it for you, they will not tell you calmly and simply that it is too cold now, and eating ice cream is easy to get sick, and they have no patience to explain to you what illness is. Simply put, I won't buy it for you. From the beginning, our parents won't tell us the truth, and they won't describe us truthfully. Children are replicas of adults. How can you expect a child to describe it truthfully? It is said that expression is easy, but none of us can express it. If we continue to make trouble, my parents will say why you are so naughty and I don't want you, so in our hearts, I will feel naughty and unsafe, and my parents may dislike me. Such insecurity will make us very scared. Just like an acrobat with excellent acting skills walking a tightrope, even if the skills are superb, he should wear a seat belt, which has nothing to do with the technology itself, but with our psychological safety.

Emotional management is to relax first and then guide, and learning has changed from repression to venting, which is actually a good start for us to establish boundaries with our families.

2. Maintain family boundaries.

Reasonable family boundaries play a very important role in maintaining family relations, and are often misunderstood or ignored in implementation.

Boundary is a concept in structured family counseling. The core idea of structured family counseling is to adjust the behavior of family members from the interaction mode between family members. From this perspective, we should not simply think that there is something wrong with someone in the family, but look at the way family members interact to see if there is anything inappropriate. These include vague and confusing boundaries. Just like when we started the company, each family had different departments, which reflected the different identities, roles and responsibilities of family members. The main family departments include husband and wife, parents, children, brothers and sisters. Obviously, some departments are the same people who play different roles and functions. This is to find the right position in the family, and parents cannot be offside. Neither parents nor children can be offside. In a family with a healthy relationship and clear boundaries, different departments can perform their duties, communicate and cooperate with each other, and don't always let outsiders participate in solving internal problems.

Reasonable family boundaries, the most fundamental thing is that family members respect each other, tolerate each other, have independent views, positions and choices in everything, and do not interfere excessively with the functional scope of other members, and at the same time do not interfere excessively with the behavior of others. Our family relationship is the easiest to cross the line, involving different relationships offside.

Case 1: The wife suspected that her husband was having an affair, and her husband firmly denied her accusation, but she did a lot of things that made her feel that he had changed his mind. For example, when she came home late, she asked him where he had gone, but he was vague. The husband's words and deeds conveyed contradictory information. This information asymmetry tends to increase anxiety in intimate relationships. The wife couldn't let go of her psychological doubts and didn't know how to communicate effectively with her husband, which was very painful for a time. She also said to her daughter, "Remember, men are unreliable. You must never trust any men in the future." Just as Zhang Wuji's mother told young Zhang Wuji that "beautiful women can't be trusted" before she died, her mother didn't want to hurt her children subjectively, and even wanted to protect her daughter from the pain that her mother was going through, but she was too emotional to talk to her daughter, which seriously damaged the boundaries of the family, making it difficult for both husband and wife to effectively handle the internal affairs of husband and wife, and also making her bear the burden of age. The weight of role mismatch has seriously affected children's view of marriage. The daughter's fate is likely to be changed because of an untimely love affair. Parents have involved their children in marriage affairs and destroyed the boundaries.

If parents interfere with their children's intimate relationship too much, it will also cause great harm, which is another destruction of reasonable boundaries.

Case 2: Unable to get pregnant after marriage. Both men and women go to major hospitals across the country for examination. Their health condition is good and their health indicators are very good. Both parents are heartbroken because of this incident. My mother went to an old Chinese doctor and prescribed many nourishing Chinese medicines for her daughter and son-in-law. The son-in-law put up with it in order to embarrass the child. Finally, the family went to an expert, and there was no way to get pregnant after accurately calculating the ovulation period. Later, because both families intervened too much, they often quarreled. After entering the emotional training camp, after a period of emotional counseling, Teacher Lu Jia advised her to stop taking drugs, because the biggest obstacle between them was the excessive interference of both parents. She didn't understand and had to listen, which caused great mental pressure on herself. After stopping taking medicine for some time, she became pregnant.

The boundary of family background is not clear, and we will not say no, which has caused much trouble to our lives and caused much pressure to our spirit.

Emotional management is not in place, maybe you are carrying on the family line, haha. Emotional management should be solved from the family background, in order to fundamentally achieve transcendence. Learn to establish boundaries and learn to say no, so that our emotional management can go further. Su Mingyu in the TV series Everything's Fine and Bai in Ode to Joy also participated in Descendants. Why is one nirvana reborn, but the other is constantly reincarnation?