Ask. . The full text of "The World I Can't Reach" by Pan Ran

The world I cannot reach

For a few days, I have been traveling, frequently moving from one city to another. I like the feeling of this kind of journey very much. The monotonous sound of the rolling wheels and the changing but similar scenery passing by the window make me feel at ease inexplicably.

I was alone, carrying a large school bag and a black shoulder bag, and wearing a blue plaid cloth hat, which made me look very eye-catching. In the car, on the train, on the plane, my fellow travelers often ask me where I am going. I smiled politely and answered: "Suzhou." "Beijing." "Shanghai."

These are the places I want to go to temporarily. Arrive, stay for a few days, then say goodbye and leave. Where am I going?

Don’t ask me this question. I'm very tired.

January 9, 2004. I put on my schoolbag and shoulder bag - that's all my luggage, hugged my mother at the ticket gate, and got on the train to Beijing. Last year, around this time, I went to Beijing alone, like a reckless adolescent girl at work. Beijing is my favorite city. It's not very beautiful, but I just want to go there, and I can't give a specific reason. My father used to run a sweater business in Beijing. From the age of five to thirteen, I spent almost every winter and summer vacation there.

At that time, we lived in a courtyard house. Every day I cross the same threshold, walk through the same criss-crossing alleys, and stand at the same platform waiting for the tram. Life was simple and happy at that time. Dad always wore a black leather jacket and blew his hair high. He would hold my hand tightly and go to Wangfujing Department Store and Xidan Mall to inspect the counters, go skating in Beihai Park, and eat McDonald's. Fish and milkshakes. I was looking through the photos of my childhood two days ago. The little girl with two braids always had a pure smile on her healthy and rosy face.

I remember that there was a long holiday on the 45th anniversary of the National Day, and I rushed from my hometown to Beijing to watch the fireworks. That night we found a ladder and climbed to the roof. I sat on the tiles, between my parents, and clusters of dogtail grass emerged from the tiles. From here we can see across the large tiled roofs of Chongwenmen and all the way to the gun salute fired in Tiananmen Square. Clusters of fireworks bloomed into layers of brilliant stars in the clean night sky above our heads, and continued until midnight. Later, halfway through watching it, I fell asleep on my mother's shoulder. My mother said that I slept peacefully and sweetly. It was the happiest moment I can remember. But many years later in the same city no one who knew me gave me the same happiness.

Happiness. I finally said the word. This is what I've been looking for. A world that I long for but cannot reach.

I just mentioned taking the train to Beijing. On the morning of January 10, I came out of the train station. The big clock at Beijing Station, the shiny candied haws, and the No. 104 tram all made me excited. I leaned on the railing of the overpass, and the cold wind brushed my skin, bringing with it a dry and familiar smell. I always thought I belonged here because all my dreams were accumulated here.

I want to take the Tsinghua University entrance examination. This sentence is an ideal that has never wavered since I became sensible and had the concept of university - of course, it is no longer the case. The university is a holy land in my mind. I set Tsinghua University as my goal and belief, and worship it as a holy statue. As the girl with two pigtails grew up in school, this belief gradually evolved into the only motivation to study hard and even live. In my eyes, Tsinghua University embodies all happiness.

This idea is simple and even absurd. But now I envy those ignorant but fulfilling days. In this way, this innocent and persistent little girl won the first place in the city in the high school entrance examination when she graduated from junior high school. So I became even more determined that I could step into the gate of Tsinghua University, get the happiness I wanted, and reach the world I wanted.

When I went to Beijing last year, I made a special trip to Tsinghua University. A place I have dreamed of my whole life. At that time, I was in my first year of high school and already suffered from depression - which started to develop when my grandmother passed away during the summer after I graduated from junior high school. It is a fatal disease that slowly eats away at the soul. I have already dropped out of school twice because of it, for half a semester in my first year of high school and in my second year of high school. Next, maybe repeat the grade. I don’t know. I don’t dare to think about the future. He has been claiming to have stomach problems for a year, but there have been many rumors from the outside world, some of which are exaggerated, like schizophrenia. In fact, it would be great if you are really crazy, crazy people are the happiest.

Of course, my grades dropped, and I didn’t even dare to take the exam at the end of the semester because I was afraid that the ranking would be unacceptable. But I can already imagine how people outside talk about how the female top scorer in last year's high school entrance exam had a mental breakdown after studying hard and even ran away from the final exam, in order to warn those parents not to put too much pressure on their children...

Tsinghua University, my heart always twitches when I read this word. It’s no longer possible, so why bother thinking about it?

After I fell ill, I spent a lot of time thinking about it, and I actually understood that college is not the only way out, nor is it the destination of life. When I clearly realized this, it became even more painful, because all my persistence over the years turned out to be in vain. It turned out that I wanted to go to a happy world, but I had been going in the wrong direction.

I have strayed too far from the starting point and cannot go back, because I cannot go back to the innocent state of wearing pigtails and watching fireworks, then erase that wrong belief and then redefine happiness, give myself a new direction and be full of confidence. Departure.

On January 11th, I took a flight to Shanghai. On the clouds, I had a feeling of being separated from reality, as if the sky and the ground were two different worlds. From an airplane, the clouds look like a city looming in the fog, or like a forest after snow. Speaking of which, I only stayed in Beijing for one day, but before leaving, I experienced a heavy snowfall. I am as happy as a child. But the snow will eventually melt. I like it. What I yearn for is the world in the sky. It is beautiful and ethereal, but it is illusory and ethereal. Planes have to land, people can't stay in the sky forever. Therefore, the world I want to go to is a world I can never reach.

It rained for a few days in Shanghai. Living together with fellow contestants, a dozen boys and girls crowded into a room to watch movies and laugh. They were all very talented young people who gathered together to laugh loudly and talk about various topics without any scruples. I like being with them, but I feel even more lonely in this bustle. They have very clear goals, very realistic ideals, and very fulfilling lives, but I always sit aside and remain silent, listening quietly. I don't belong to them. I really envy these people who can be happy so easily. I have lost touch with reality, but my dream was accidentally shattered by me a year ago, so now I have nothing and do not belong to any place or group of people. They look happy, so they should be happy, right? Or at least on the way to a happy world.

What about me? I stood in the rain holding an umbrella. Standing in such a huge city and world, I suddenly felt confused.

I like a saying: The road to happiness is always so short, can we just stay away from it?

Today is January 17th. It finally stopped raining. I hated the helpless feeling I felt after getting lost in the heavy rain holding a soaked map. The game has now come to an end, and the classroom is very empty. My writing is very messy.

A few days later, again, it was time to say goodbye and leave. There is no end point. Where on earth am I going? I want to go to a world I can never reach.

Because I am a person who cannot be happy.

When we are on the road, we always have to keep walking. . . We cannot be happy, but we still pursue happiness!

The World I Can't Reach 2006-08-13 22:07 The weather these days has been very strange - it can't be said to be sunny, but it will definitely rain in the afternoon. Very punctual. The water on the playground has never dried up, it's just getting more and more day by day. Today, I watched a child play basketball. The ball rolled into a puddle. I watched him throw the ball with a stone. I couldn't see his expression. Suddenly, I felt that his serious look was very firm and undistracted. I haven't been like this for a long time.

Autumn finally came without any forecast, it came unexpectedly but unexpectedly.

I just said to Qiuxiang: "I am very unhappy this summer." But I didn't expect that he is just like me, we are brothers and sisters. This summer should be a watershed in our growth. One of my things is like a memorial. Growing up suddenly changed from colorful to melancholy. Summer was no longer what I remembered before - every strand of hair was shining with golden light - summer suddenly became melancholy, and even the complete heat became depressing. . I don’t know if I had too many expectations for this summer, which made it unable to bear so many wishes, so it fell.

Speaking of which, I don’t know what this title has to do with what I wrote - in my logic, the title has nothing to do with the text - as long as the title is deceiving enough. But I haven’t had a title that’s scary enough for a long time. The world that I cannot reach - If there is an outline, then I want to write about the inner description. Just like filming, the inner drama is the hardest to grasp. If you perform well, you will be a movie queen; if you fail, you will be a sinner.

You will fall in love with rainy days if you stay at home lazily. But it’s not like when I was a child, I wanted to tread water outside: now, I just look at the sky outside, then smile contentedly and lonely, hug my arms tightly as if I’m afraid of the cold, and think about some random things or nothing at all. It's very pleasant to think about it.

But, I don’t know, what were you—this is a plural noun—thinking at that moment? This is a world I cannot reach, a world I will never reach.

This summer, I learned a word "doubt", and I regret learning it. Once you learn it, you start to draw inferences and keep applying it, just like a philosopher - keep thinking about whether this is reasonable and whether that is normal. I suddenly missed the time when I believed everything - as long as you told me, I would believe it - even though I didn't know what you were thinking at that time, whether you were smiling like a flower or glaring with anger. Now I still don't know what you are thinking, but I will unswervingly doubt every word and every expression, whether it is your tears or your smile. I began to be afraid of dealing with people because I always couldn't help but guess the other person's true purpose. I always think a lot, even though it is not necessary at all, it only makes me more ignorant and ridiculous.

I hate it to the core but can't do anything about being on tenterhooks like this - it's involuntary, even before you speak.

This is wrong and I know it. I think if summer passes, maybe I will still be the same as before.

I watched a movie today, a French one, "Butterfly". The dialogue is not packed with gorgeous words, and it is not intended to deliberately tell any truth, but just lays out the story in such a detailed way. However, perhaps it is to see the world from a grain of sand. Several times, my eyes became slightly wet. A bit wet, I often hear people say it, but it seems a bit untrue. Doubtful, especially doubtful of other people's tears. Going back to the movie, I only remember one scene: an old man and the mother of a little girl were sitting on a bench in a street sports ground. The old man said: "Go tell her that you love her." My mother said: "She knows." "If she knew, she wouldn't do so many things."

Yes, I am willful because I don't know you love me.

How can I reach your world when you don’t tell me? !

If I knew you loved me, I would tell the old man that your name is Isabella, and then the old man would tell me mysteriously: "We found her." That way, I will know that the so-called happiness does not need to be searched over mountains and ridges.

Zhe, whom I haven’t seen for a long time, is online today. I remembered the time of "rooftop friends" again. Today, it is still the same. I am talking about my mood, just like the tree hole faced by Tony Leung in "In the Mood for Love", so trusting - different things, I will Gain the same trust, and a comforting warmth.

There has been a long time between this paragraph and the previous paragraph, and my mood has changed again. The weather in the past few days has always been weird. I can't say whether it will be sunny or not, but it will definitely rain in the afternoon. Makes me feel very fresh. But not today. Maybe God is tired of this too regular weather.

Suddenly I realized that I no longer like Jay so enthusiastically. When I watched his concert that day, I always changed the channel - this was unimaginable before. It is enough to see that at the moment - at least for now, there is nothing that can keep my full attention. People or things, maybe because I have been staying at home or not going to school, it makes me look lazy.

Because of laziness, I feel that I am very small - what does it mean to be low in the dust.

This summer, I have an unprecedented sense of frustration and loss. Suddenly I felt that the things I was familiar with were not what I thought they were. During the most difficult time of winter, I used this as my spiritual motivation. But suddenly one day, that was no longer my only support - I don't know if this was something done by my damn sixth sense. Winter is over, but I don't like summer anymore. As I said before, I look forward to winter feverishly.

I understand now how much I want others to love me, and how much I am loved by others - so much so that I don't want to break this situation at all. Before 2006, I never thought that you would leave me one day, but now, I think about it. I know that one day, you will leave me, maybe, we will never see each other again. I'm not ready for this yet.

Fortunately, I am not yet at a loss when facing your departure, and I am not yet in a state of mind when watching you leave is like watching time fly by. I haven't thought about the helplessness of talking to you but having to talk to an empty room. I haven't reached the point where I can't live without you.

Unlike before, I am beginning to be prepared for this - I know you are ready to take it back at any time.

Fortunately, you are still here. When the only thing left in my world is the bedside lamp, you must be sleeping peacefully; when I squint at the sun, you must be breathing the air warmed by the sun. This is lucky for me.

Up to now, what I wanted to write has not been written.

I am just a mortal, there are many things I cannot do.

In 2006, you haven’t left me yet. Therefore, the world that I cannot reach is that I plus you do not equal us. Maybe, in that world, I will keep taking pictures and take pictures of many skies. Then send it to you on a certain day, with a line written on the envelope:

These are the days when I miss you.

The world I cannot reach

Read (51) Comments (2) Published: January 1, 2009 22:23

The address of this article: /blog/425165018-1230819812

I heard Li Jian singing on TV. It was a song I had never heard before. My heartbeat suddenly accelerated, and I had to hold back not to scream. His hair was a little shorter than when I last saw him on screen, and not a hair out of place. Black dress and white shirt, looking better than ever. With clear eyes, he stood gracefully in the center of the stage and sang lyrics that shocked my heart.

The man in front of me was as calm and restrained as gentle as jade. My four-year love for him, from light to strong, lasted almost throughout my restless adolescence. But now that I think about it, I can't explain why I like him.

Perhaps it was his clean and ethereal voice that touched my nostalgic heart, just like the purest sadness in "Middle School Age".

Suddenly I miss the boy who fell in love with him and the time when I still wanted to talk about it.

The great time has changed the young, rustic but innocent and beautiful boy beyond recognition, but what lingers in the memory are the letters whose paper has begun to turn yellow and the handwriting has become blurred, and the simple love that was too late to be spoken.

If I had known at that time that I would be living in such an awkward situation in a strange city now, would I have taken advantage of my youth and frivolity to try to live a more exciting life? But the fool at that time always thought that there would be a farther and broader sky in the future, and in a daze, he wasted those years that should have been shining.

I still remember who imitated the plot in the novel and vowed, my dear, if we are no longer together in the future, we must pretend that we are still together.

In fact, I clearly know that the continuous friendship and vivid promises back then were all sincere, and there was no deception or betrayal by anyone. The cruel time changes us and fades the vivid luster of the story. But, why, I am the only one who is still worried about it.

I felt the indifference of the world, and over time I put on a mask of indifference, which I could not take off even when facing my closest relatives.

Day and night alternate, the four seasons rotate, flowers bloom and fall, and people gather and disperse. I am just a poor orphan in this beautiful world, refusing sympathy and rescue.

I’m sorry, dearest singer, I listen to you singing warm and upward tension songs in my ears every night, but my soul is still dark and bleak.

At the end of the first day of 2009, which is said to be a long time, in the mood of being besieged on all sides, after a long time since the last time I wrote a diary, in the stiff At the moment when my fingers came back to life, I finally dared to write down the messy and incomprehensible words above. Not for being understood, just for temporary relief.

In my dream, an angel told me when I missed the past and felt sad that the boys and girls who had taught me growth and love were blown by the moist sea breeze to a peaceful place in a corner of the world that I didn’t know. Live. But, since then, I have learned nothing more about the legend of kindness and beauty.

Who doesn’t want to become better? Why do I feel like I'm falling when I'm flying in a beautiful direction?

Some people just see my cold and mean expression, but do they understand my heart?

Please tell me why the older I get, the more I know and the less I can be myself.

Dear so-and-so, so-and-so, so-and-so, I like you, why don’t you like me.

God knows, it was me pushing you away in a neurotic mood, or you were moving away from me bit by bit without you noticing.

They say that when God closes a door for you, he also opens a window for you. But I ran into walls everywhere in the extremely realistic reality. God, was he wrong?

......

Who will remember me, and who will I leave something to.

Finally I know that happiness for me is just a legend.

The world I cannot reach

Published on: 05-03-20 07:43

I have tried to make some kind of vitality to seek Something or looking for some past events suppressed by the subconscious, I like to call it my spiritual world.

Kafka talks about faith: Believe in the indestructibility of the heart and disintegrate it. Never deliberately liberated anything, soul or simply cowardice. But I can clearly realize its existence, another hidden spiritual world. I am willing to enter and destroy everything, even the indestructible.

As much as I dress appropriately: a windbreaker, a black shirt, or a simple attachment, when I look in the mirror, I am extremely satisfied with the way I look. Maybe there is no mirror, what I mean is a window through which one can see many things, or snow, or a glass of wine brewed by one's shadow. Sometimes I like to dig a hole in it and let the white snow fall into my gap. Sometimes I like to take a sip of wine and hide a person in my heart. There was a wall on the opposite side, and there was a hole on it, but I didn't know the specific location of the small hole, so I could understand its internal structure. In other words, when I needed a mirror, it would open to comment on my clothes or my heart. Of course the time is uncertain. Sometimes it stubbornly makes its own wine or falls with pale white flakes of snow. But this time it was on time and it happened even before I made the invitation. I know it cares about me flying. But I never achieved it. Sadness while flying is a luxury.

After being fully prepared, I hurried to the post office. Of course, I was well prepared including toothpaste, fresh water, a small flashlight and an AA battery, but I didn’t bring underwear because I hadn’t washed them, or I didn’t have them at all. I don’t remember clearly.

When I asked for a parcel form, I found that I had forgotten to think about an extremely important thing, the name of the destination. But he (it) kept staring at me, but seemed to know that this incident would happen sooner or later and smiled slightly. There is no way, but this is not a problem. I have overcome the problem, that is, I have made it. So I jotted down a place called "Spiritual World".

He raised his eyelids and stopped looking at the flying insect crawling on my body. Of course I knew it existed, and I was happy to let it infest me, because I wanted to know where its indestructibility lay. But it never answered, so there wasn't enough reason to kill it.

When the postman read the address, he received it in my wallet without reading it and charged me a certain fee.

So I immediately got into a cardboard box that was only half the size of my body. I stored the prepared items inside, including the AA battery, but I forgot to peel off the plastic skin. I thought things were doomed.

The postman was not surprised when he saw me struggling to get into the one cubic meter box. Of course, this behavior is illegal or unethical. But I love the will to power. The postman just smiled at me and allowed me to see the movement of the hairs on the corners of his mouth. If you think about it carefully, it's actually not wrong, because I haven't been told what is routine and what is spiritual morality, so I have always been mentally corrupt before. Maybe he didn't think it was against the rules, but smiling was a difficult thing to do. This made me a little uneasy and even irritable. I stepped on the carton hard and there was a muffled sound.

It was already night when I saw the world again, as if I had deliberately chosen a period of memory. At this time, I took out my flashlight to find an opening so I could check the time or where I was. But I decided to drink some water first. Because my stomach aches from hunger at any time, I don’t know if I’m at the edge of space or time where I can forget more pain. The water was slippery, I thought.

The light shines in the darkness, like a drowning beast that crazily swallows the light. Fortunately, I could hear the postman himself talking, vaguely indicating the time and distance traveled. It’s not clear because what he spoke was not Mandarin or something written in a certain period of time. But I heard him smiling, or clucking, or sometimes, like a cow, moaning. Even though I was used to it all, I couldn't stand it too much.

Thinking consciousness is flying.

I made it extravagant enough to dig out all memories, love, soul, spiritual home, and death. I allow them to exist and merge. I found that my thinking was chaotic, so I wanted to break through the boundaries of my thinking to find peace, but the facts told me:

Calmness is confused in my thinking.

An empty cage is looking for an exit to release the birds.

Finally, before all thoughts come to a halt, I want to do some exercise. Because there was no warmth, my body was shaking slightly. I couldn't hold the water with my hands, but I still tried it to let my feet stretch and regain some necessary feeling.

The next morning, I arrived at my destination. "On a beautiful morning, you can't imagine everything." This is the truth, I think.

I heard a crash and felt pain all over my body. He even started cursing. He moved me upstairs, where the wooden floor would loudly curse with me in our own languages. Finally I saw the wooden door, which was extremely spectacular. Just a little bit crumbly. I'm sure I've never seen this before and rejoiced in it.

The recipient was her, a woman with a strange and cold face. But it is exactly the same as the shadow in the wine he drank.

Fate is surprising.

She opened the carton and signed for it. This way I can look at the sun, because the sun is very beautiful when it snows.

She was not surprised, she took me in her hand and was happy, and kissed me. At that time, I wondered why I had become like a toy. Maybe she didn't mean to think so, but the facts told me that I did have the appearance of a rag doll.

I am unable to speak.

She turned back and kissed the man who wrapped his arms around her waist in the same way. I hate this kind of men, because they all like to carve the words "moral" and "good people" on their faces, and they have not dared to take on the mission-the superhuman mission, nor have they discovered their own spiritual world.

Through the wooden door, I saw a form to fill in, which was the same as the one I filled out. Coincidentally, she wrote the same handwriting as me in her beautiful handwriting. But after searching for a few times, I didn't find enough spare parts to be the same as me or to fly with me. Maybe she just wanted to free herself from a pair of wings.

They began to kiss passionately, sucking each other's fluids like animals.

What I remember clearly at that time is that I was not sad, because it seemed that a glass of wine had prevented me from waking up or not being clear about everything in front of me. But I was well aware that it was a mistake, the postman's mistake.

While kissing me, she put me at the window. It was on the 28th floor, and it was snowing with her own snow. The man touched me with his arm.

I have calculated that, excluding air resistance, when the acceleration of gravity is 10m/s2, I have 4.6 seconds to fly, kiss the ground at a speed of 126km/h, and splash out body fluids like they do. .

When the flight started, I saw the postman rush in, as if as a ritual, saying that he had written the wrong address. And he looked at me flying down and smiled at me, the same as before.

I realize luxury. I discovered that all this was a disaster, done by "him", no, it was done by "it".

Nietzsche teaches us that if we cannot live proudly, we will die proudly. I enjoyed it, even though it was the first and last time. But before that, I want to break "its" eyes and smash them into pieces so that future generations can identify them. But I have enough excuse not to do this because I can't see them.

Huo Ran, he rushed to the window and spoke loudly, not moaning: "Don't stretch out your arm and aim it at my left eye. There is nothing you can do."

"You have freedom of choice in the real world." right, but it is inaccessible, and what is accessible is a dead end.

There is a goal, but no road to follow. The so-called road is nothing but hesitation.

”

Halfway through his speech, I realized that maybe death is the way to enter this unreachable world, but at a heavy cost, sacrificing everything.

I lowered my arms.

Last time for luxury.

“Sleep, sleep well,

Sleep, don’t shed tears. ”

There is snow in the gap, and in the snow there is the cup of unbrewed shadow wine.

The present moment:

4.68s ago.< /p>

The world that I cannot reach, my spiritual home, the memory in my subconscious, is still there.

The world that I cannot reach - "The Legend of Wukong" (2006-10-28). 18:45:42) Tags: The Legend of Wukong, Destiny, Helplessness and Freedom

“I walked through the sea of ??people, and people rushed past me, which made me feel the helplessness of a drop of water in the ocean again. ”

“Isn’t life just a dream? Everything you gain will eventually be lost. If you think it is real at that time, you will suffer. But if you know that it is just a game and a dream, you will be free. Life may last a hundred years or tens of millions of years. It's all a moment before the future. After this moment, you have nothing. All you have is yourself. You will be lonely forever in this world, and you will never find anything that can support your heart, unless you give up yourself, integrate into creation, and become a speck of dust in the universe. You will be at peace. "

"The difference between gods and goblins is that gods determine what everything is, while goblins disrupt everything. When the gods created the world, they did not expect that there was such a thing as a demon. Goblins are born of error, they exist because of something else.

And they try to be something that is in line with the laws of nature. Because they were born, they refused to be erased as physical evidence of God. When they rebel against God's definition they become irrational, and when they obey God's definition they deserve to be destroyed. This is their fate. "

"Everyone wants to say something to you, everyone is hesitant to say anything, everyone knows your past, they think you should not be you, but you know that you are you I have never changed. What has changed is the way of the world and people's hearts..."

"Pigs and people are just things controlled by their way back. In order to survive, they have to operate like machines. If they don't want to live like this, they will Punished by God. If you can obey the law of compromise, eat when you should eat, and be eaten when you should be eaten, you will be like them. They lived and died in wars and plagues, and they also had no strength to resist. We cannot resist humans, and humans cannot resist God. We are just parts in the countless exquisite designs of this world, one pushing the other, endlessly rotating, without distinction. . The more I understand, the more I understand that you cannot control its operation, and the more I understand how insignificant you are in physics. From this point of view, pigs are greater than humans. "

"There are places in this world that you cannot reach, there are places that you should not reach, and there are places that you will never reach in your life. Your world is not as big as you think, and the boundaries may be It's right next to you, but you think you can go anywhere. "

——"The Legend of Wukong"

This is a story about ideals and reality, about nothingness and reality.

People always want to break through everything , and move forward indomitably for your dream...

But when the sun reappears in the sky, you realize that all your pursuits are in vain.