Mom left for a year, and I deleted all her videos before she died.

My mother was born on May 25th, 1947 and died on May 6th, 22, twenty days short of seventy-three.

Mom has been gone for a year, and I deleted all the videos when she died.

It was twenty days after being hospitalized in Shandong Cancer Hospital last year. My mother felt suffocated and wheezing without warning, and my brother got to the hospital. We refused to be admitted to the ICU ward of the Cancer Hospital, observed it in the hospital for one day, and then moved to Jining.

on the day of observation, and in the ambulance, I took several short videos and sent them to our brothers and sisters.

every time I turn on my mobile phone, I can't help playing those short videos. I watch my mother lying there with her eyes closed slightly, taking oxygen. I unconsciously fall in love with her, with shortness of breath and rapid heartbeat. It seems that something has caught my throat. It is a heartbreaking feeling, and the feeling of helplessness and helplessness permeates my whole body, in every cell of my body.

After my mother's operation in pulmonary hospital, her lungs leaked, the intubation was very painful, and she was still very weak. After getting out of bed for a few steps, she was sweating and panting, but the doctor had to let us leave the hospital. I didn't find a suitable hotel around the hospital, so I sat on the steps downstairs in the ward and called the chief doctor, begging the doctor to let us stay for another day. After saying something, I couldn't help crying.

Every time I watch those videos of my mother, I experience the same adult collapse.

I made up my mind to click delete on my mobile phone, but my heart was still sad, as if I had said goodbye to my mother again, and my heart was desperate. Just like my mother's body was pushed into that burning furnace, it was the last image my mother left me in this world. If it was deleted, it would never be there again.

I keep thinking for a year, if I start over, can my mother's life be extended? I have been to Shanghai dozens of times with my mother in two years. The operation was carried out in the top hospitals in China, and the follow-up treatment was also carried out in big hospitals. Less than two years after the operation, my mother left. Compared with those patients who have survived for more than five years after operation, we are too unfortunate.

The experience of accompanying my mother to treat a disease is always staged in my mind in turn. I always think that our experience and lessons may help those mothers who are on the way to seek medical treatment and their filial but helpless children.

My mother began to get sick in early 218. At that time, the old house at home was said to be demolished, and every household in the village was busy sealing the balcony, so was my family. Just after New Year's Day, the weather was cold, and my mother caught a cold in this busy chatter. Cured the cold, but the cough didn't stop, not too bad, occasionally dry cough.

I remember that at that time, we all bought medicine for her, but mom seemed to have lightened after eating it, but it didn't work well.

The following spring, I bought a lot of loquat for my mother. Loquat and red pear were stewed together with water.

At that time, my parents were still living in their hometown. In their spare time, they grew vegetables, played cards and chatted with their neighbors, making a happy life. Parents don't complain that we disturb their lives too much, and seldom give us any trouble. When I call back, my mother always says that I don't cough much, and occasionally I have a little, it doesn't matter.

There was a physical examination in a community health center in the middle, and no problem was found after a lung film was taken. That poor knowledge of lungs made us easily believe that my mother's lungs were fine.

It was not until June that my mother's cough was still bad, and it was still not light after transfusion at home, so I took my mother to Jining People's Hospital for examination.

From Jining to Jinan, I stayed in the hospital twice. It was not until September that I had an operation in pulmonary hospital, which delayed for several months. The tumor was already very large.

After my mother became ill, she began to catch up on the knowledge of lung cancer. Seeing several signals that many people are popularizing lung cancer, we didn't take the most obvious signal to heart. If I hadn't been so confident about my body, my mother wouldn't have been so careless.

The physical examination time in the community hospital is April, which includes a full set of biochemistry, abdominal color Doppler ultrasound, electrocardiogram and lung X-ray. When the physical examination report is taken out, except for fatty liver and coronary heart disease, all the other indicators of my mother are within the normal range. Although I often cough, I didn't see anything wrong with my lung film. This examination made my mother down-to-earth, and she didn't take her cough seriously. As usual, she took care of the vegetable garden and cleaned up the housework at home, and played cards with her neighbors in the afternoon.

If you had done a lung CT, early diagnosis and early operation, you wouldn't have delayed a few months, and the treatment effect would certainly be much better.

When I was hospitalized in a provincial hospital, I lived in a respiratory ward. After several tests, the doctor suggested doing a bronchoscope. Why did you let me do a bronchoscope? What the doctor means is that if the bronchoscope can catch the sick body, there is no need for puncture.

Before doing the bronchoscope, the doctor told us a lot of precautions, which made us nervous. The whole family rushed to the hospital and waited for our mother to do the bronchoscope outside the examination room. But three days later, the test results came out disappointing, and nothing was caught. Later, he was transferred to the tumor ward and had a puncture.

After many hospitalizations, my mother proved that oncology department is the most professional in treating tumors, both for the tumors themselves and the side effects caused by taking anticancer drugs. Because we have been keeping my mother's illness secret, we have chosen the respiratory department several times. At the end of 219, my mother lived in the respiratory department of Jining Affiliated Hospital. There were many people in the ward, and there was a loud cough everywhere. A director came to make rounds and looked at her mother's CT film. In front of her mother, she shook her head and sighed. In her eyes, people could not live without her left lung, so two young doctors took turns to talk to us and let us prepare for the funeral. In fact, after being discharged from the affiliated hospital, my mother persisted for more than half a year. As it turns out, compared with doctors in oncology, they are still amateurs.

Think about my mother's whole treatment process. We are like a pushed car, moving forward step by step, confused in our hearts, still looking forward to the good results ahead.

At that time, after the operation, the doctor said that chemotherapy was needed. We were all worried about the side effects of chemotherapy, but we were even more worried that it would develop faster without chemotherapy. So we took our mother to pulmonary hospital for chemotherapy every month, but four courses of chemotherapy had no effect. Next, immunotherapy, three courses of treatment, has no effect; Gemcitabine has no effect after two courses of treatment; After four courses of treatment, there was no effect. The doctor is also holding the attitude of trying every plan. These treatment plans have been tried. My mother has a bad cough and poor appetite. She can take Chinese medicine and adjust her body. Unfortunately, my mother can't eat any Chinese medicine.

It was the darkest time for us since my mother was ill. The genetic test has been done for three times, and there is no mutation. The doctors have no good idea. If it hadn't been for Beva and Afatinib prescribed by Dean Wang of Shandong Cancer Hospital, it would have been difficult for mom to spend the Spring Festival with us.

Later, I often thought that if my mother didn't go through those treatments, our financial burden would be greatly reduced, and my mother's health would not collapse so quickly. But who dares to take such risks?

In my mind, my mother is a teacher and a friend, a mother, a teacher and a model. My mother's words and deeds have been influencing me for more than forty years. I know that my mother has always hoped that my brother and sister will have a good life after she left, and I hope that we can all enjoy the most beautiful life in the right season.

I believe that even if time goes by, I will never forget my impression of my mother, but those video clips always hit my fragile nerves, making me blame myself and make me desperate. It always reminds me that I was so helpless in the face of my mother who was tortured by the disease. It was a kind of sad heart. We are all filial children, and we don't want to see our mother tortured by illness. If we can exchange our pain for her comfort for a moment, we will do it without hesitation.

My mother has been pursuing a decent life. When she was just sick, she didn't even like the visits of relatives and friends. She didn't want them to see her discomfiture. If she knew, she wouldn't want me to keep these videos.

Delete it. My brother and sister will miss our mother in the next days, but we all need to say goodbye to the past gradually ...