Wandering and stability

Wandering is the life I want most at the age of seventeen.

Stability is the current situation of my life at the age of twenty-seven.

Time is a magical thing and can change easily. We once thought that our expectations would never change in our lifetime. Many people who have known me have said: "When I wake up, I can't imagine that you will become what you are now. I can't even be sure that you now are the same person as you were when you were young." In fact, to be honest, I have never thought about it. , I will become such a sunny woman today.

I have thought about countless ways of living in the future, but I have never thought about stability. Growth is really a very interesting thing. Things we once thought were engraved in our bones will gradually fade away with the passage of time until they disappear.

When I was a teenager, I loved Anne's writings. Her writings were full of depravity, despair, sadness, freedom and indeterminate beauty. When she grew up, she was no longer Annie, but Qingshan. Her words contained wisdom, thinking, introspection and fireworks about life. And I am no longer that girl with low self-esteem, sensitivity, flamboyance, and paranoia. I no longer like black text, I no longer look up at the sky at a 45-degree angle, and I no longer even need the wandering freedom and wandering I once longed for. I want to live a quiet life, read books, write, grow flowers, watch over my lover and children, and enjoy this comfortable time. His temperament becomes softer, calmer, and he likes all beautiful things.

When I grow up, I gradually understand that life is actually like this. We all go from ignorance to become a mature and wise person. Time leaves traces on our faces and wisdom in our minds, making us better people.

When I was young, my immature face was filled with disdain and disgust for the world. Distrust of people and feelings, and great dissatisfaction with one's own life. Selfish, paranoid, sensitive, always saddened by other people's words, and even derived from many ideas. Full of hostility to the world, eager to go to a strange place, eager to be loved, but afraid to give. She would secretly write love letters to the boy she liked, and watch him chatting with other girls from a distance, not daring to come near. You will be jealous and sad, but you still pretend to be arrogant.

Days like this were recalled countless times later, and those most primitive emotions turned out to be the purest years in life.

Cry loudly when you are sad. When you are happy, laugh freely. When you are excited, run wildly. Express your joys and sorrows without any scruples. The sadness and happiness in the text are so real.

When I grow up, I can no longer have such wantonness. Last time I met my pen pal in Hangzhou, whom I have known for ten years, and we have been writing together to this day. She said: "Su Xing, your words now cover up even the sadness in such a peaceful way, which makes people feel sad."

This is growth, which has given us a lot of things, but also made us lose a lot. Lost the innocence of youth, lost the right to be wanton, and lost the right to express sorrow and joy. Just like what she said, even sadness is whitewashed and peaceful, and cannot be expressed directly. More and more often, I don’t want anyone to know my inner loneliness and powerlessness.

The passion of youth is gone, the fighting spirit of youth is gone, and the arrogance and self-righteousness of youth are gone. No longer naive, become cautious. Sometimes I don’t believe that that peaceful and quiet woman looked like that when she was young. I once thought that I would be at home all over the world, wandering around, and never marry for the sake of freedom.

People who know me will say: "I didn't expect it. It's a miracle that you can settle down." Yes, I also think that it is a miracle that I can settle down. Do you regret it? In fact, I don’t regret it, life is like this, and what you want at each stage of life is completely different.

When I was seventeen, I wanted to escape. After the college entrance examination, I gave up the opportunity to go to college, jumped on the train alone, and went to a strange city. Regardless of the efforts of his parents and the advice of others, he just wanted to leave and see the outside world.

I don’t have deep feelings for anyone, including my parents. I hate the shackles of those ten years so much that I want to stay away from my hometown and never come back.

Youth is like this, there will always be many emotions for no reason, such as rebellion, paranoia, etc.

When I was 15 years old, I came from a small mountain village to the county town to attend high school. Here I I saw a world completely different from the mountain village. I thought I would be happy, because my biggest wish since childhood was to leave the village and see the world outside the village. After I came out, I found that I was not happy. The outside world was not as beautiful as I imagined.

I changed from a top student to a bottom student. I was not taken seriously by the teacher, and my heart gradually changed. self-abasement. The huge gap between me and city kids made me sensitive and introverted. I began to hate this place and yearned for farther places, thinking that by escaping here I could get rid of this situation and have a good life.

During the three years of high school, I have been planning that escape and looking forward to graduation soon. Because of my inner inferiority, I became flamboyant and weird. The relationship with my classmates is extremely poor, I am isolated, I don't get along well with each other, and I get into fights with my classmates. He became a bad boy in the eyes of his classmates and teachers, was abandoned by his teachers, his grades declined, he was unpopular, and he gave up on himself under great disappointment. Confronted with teachers, completely isolated from classmates, living alone in his own world.

When there is no hope in life, you always need to find a reason to continue living. I started writing novels, using words to save my fallen soul and prevent my spirit from becoming empty. I started reading novels all night long or sitting in the small library at the door all day long. Look at other people's stories and write your own in a notebook.

Writing gives me an outlet to vent my inner sadness and allows me to find a destination. When writing, I can always find some kind of happiness.

It was at that time that I met Baby Annie. For many years to come, I have always liked her writing. She accompanied me from that girl with low self-esteem to a quiet and peaceful middle-aged woman. .

Her words seem to have some kind of magic power, as if they can penetrate people's disguises and point directly to people's hearts, exposing all our hidden desires. The words reveal pain and sadness, but also bring infinite hope.

I remember Anne wrote: "I think I am probably the kind of person who is destined to abandon my hometown and walk on the road."

I always feel that what she wrote in her book That kind of person is me. That day, I wrote in my diary: "Perhaps there is a restless factor in my blood. When I was a child, I always wanted to climb over the mountain and see the world outside the mountain. After I came to the small town, I I know that this kind of life does not belong to me. There are too many constraints, like a cage, not being liked, not being valued, and no one cares. It is as dispensable as the Puliu. I long for greater freedom and walk alone in the world. Maybe that kind of life belongs to me.”

At that time, many people liked Guo Jingming, Rao Xueman, and Han Han, but I only liked Annie. I like the barefoot and sneaker-wearing woman in her story, the distance in her story, and the vague love between the women in her story. I like the sentences in her books and the stories she tells. She is like an invisible friend who accompanies me through that dark time of youth.

I thought I would spend my youth alone like this, but he appeared in my life. He is like the man in Anne's book. He has a nice name called Songzi. He can look like a prince even in school uniform. He doesn't like to talk. When he laughs, his eyes are shining. He is very beautiful and can easily make someone fall in. He has a good family background, has the pride of a city kid, looks arrogant and full of aura. There are many girls who like him, and he also has a beautiful and lovely girlfriend. When he is with her, he will show tenderness and pampering.

He became my deskmate in my sophomore year of high school, and our relationship was better than any of my previous deskmates. He would tell me jokes, and we would use notebooks to write jokes to make fun of the teacher in class. Sometimes he would be teased by me and secretly smile, his eyelashes beating in the sun, and my heart would beat with it.

He said: "You are a smart woman. No one in the class has your intelligence. If you study hard, you will definitely get good results."

He said: "Su Xing, this math problem is so difficult, but you solved it in one minute. I really admire you."

He said: "Su Xing, the story you wrote is so beautiful. You will become a Writer."

He was the one who gave me hope when everyone else gave up. I still remember the way he looked when he said these words, serious and solemn. It moved me and made me want to laugh.

I tried to study, memorize and do questions with him. Looking at him sitting upright and doing homework, he is really handsome, and his heart beats irregularly. The world is no longer silent, but full of hope.

My score in that midterm exam was among the top twenty. Everyone was surprised. Only he told me: "Xing Xing, look, I said you are extremely smart. I am not wrong!" If you work hard, you can get into Peking University." His eyes were shining, lighting up my path forward.

But fairness never seems to exist, and prejudice can really easily destroy a person. I thought the teacher would praise my progress, but I didn't expect greater humiliation waiting for me. The teacher stood in front of me and asked me why I cheated on the exam. In his mind, I was only qualified to be a poor student, born stupid, and good grades must be plagiarism. The grievances in my heart overwhelmed me. Everyone was waiting to see my joke. I saw the smile in their eyes. Holding back the tears in his eyes, he raised his proud head and said, "I can't be a good student in your eyes after all. All my efforts are a joke. I just plagiarized." Then he turned and left the classroom.

When I grew up, this scene kept appearing in my dreams, along with him, the boy who made my heart beat, the boy who once gave me warmth and hope.

I remember that day I heard him stand up and say: "Teacher, I believe she didn't copy it." Everyone looked at him meaningfully. The teacher said impatiently: "Look how much you have regressed. Take care of yourself." He just stared at the teacher and repeated the sentence: "I believe she didn't copy."

I always remember it. His voice is warm and pleasant. I didn’t understand why he defended me, and I never asked him until we separated later. Maybe he's just plain kind.

After that day, rumors about our affair began to spread in the class. I saw him vigorously explaining to his girlfriend, constantly going in and out of the teacher's office, and when he came back, he was in a low mood.

Someone joked with him during class: "Songzi, Su Xing likes you." I heard him reply angrily: "She only likes you."

At that moment I Only then did I realize that even he didn’t really take me to heart. I'm like a joke, and it's humiliating to be liked by me. I returned to a person's world again, moved away from him, and sat alone in the corner of the last row of the classroom by the window.

That day I looked at myself in the mirror, I smiled, laughed and cried. The girl in the mirror is tall, thin, a little hunchbacked, her skin is dry and yellow, her clothes seem to be hanging on her body, and she has no sense of beauty at all. There was gloominess in his eyes, his mouth drooped, and he was filled with bitterness and hatred. You don't like such a woman, let alone others. Maybe you are destined to live alone.

From then on, I longed for the outside world even more. He and I never spoke a word again until graduation. Occasionally when our eyes meet, I will pretend to turn around and not care. I know that I still like him, and there will be a slight pain in my heart because of missing him many late nights.

The graduation I longed for has finally arrived. My classmates are busy writing classmate books and taking photos, but these seem to have nothing to do with me.

There is only one message from him on my classmate list. There is a sentence written on it, I hope you will be happy and happy in the future. Pine nuts.

I cried when I saw those words. I was a little reluctant to let him go. I didn’t know when we would see each other again after we parted today, but I knew that he and I were from two different worlds, and we would not have any problems. result.

On the second day after graduation, I left this city and went to Chang'an, a city full of stories, alone with my longing for a new world. In the car, I sent him a text message: "Songzi, thank you for the trust and warmth you once gave me. I will remember you forever."

The text message did not receive a response, and all the youth was lost. It ended on that day.

We always think that happiness lies far away, but later we gradually realize that what we are chasing is just our own imagination and desire.

After I turned 17, I lived the life I wanted. I climbed over that mountain, escaped from this city that made it difficult for me to breathe, and ended the depressing, boring and boring school life. When I came to this bustling city alone, I thought this would be my destination and I could get the freedom I wanted. But after the prosperity faded, I realized that the freedom in this world never lies far away, but in my heart.

After leaving home, I traveled to many places, from Chang'an to Shanghai, to Nanjing, Suzhou, Tianjin, Ningxia, Xiamen, and finally returned to Chang'an.

A person appears alone in a strange city with no friends or relatives. The world is surrounded by loneliness. When it is cold, you can only hug yourself. When you are happy, you can only laugh alone. The house is very quiet and cold at night, and it is easy for the body to lose its temperature. As I lay under the quilt, I felt inexplicably sad.

No one controls, no one cares, and no one cares. It is really free and lonely. Every city has its own style, but when you look at it alone, you feel lonely and the scenery loses its color. Life was difficult and I had worked many jobs, including restaurant waiter, bar salesman, salesperson, salesperson, and revenue clerk. They were all unskilled jobs with low wages and long working hours. I had to compromise for my livelihood.

Unable to settle down, always changing jobs frequently, unable to get along with others, and becoming even more silent. Except for the promises made at work, I hardly communicate with others. The last sustenance in the world is words. I write stories on my blog when I wake up from my dreams at midnight, and write about my circumstances over the years.

At that time, I often doubted the meaning of life. After experiencing huge disappointment and gap, I had no expectations for life and always longed to die and be isolated from the world forever.

Sometimes, I would send an email to Songzi: "I am in Chang'an. There are mottled city walls and thousand-year-old drum towers. The city has historical vicissitudes. What are you doing? I will often think of you, alone. Very lonely."

I heard that Songzi was admitted to the military academy, but I never asked. Send him emails as a habit.

He occasionally wrote back. Every time there are only four words: "Wake up and be well." There are no other words. That year I went to his city and stood in front of his school for a long time, but I finally didn’t have the courage to see him.

There is a saying that it is better to miss each other than to meet each other. Perhaps it is better to keep this feeling in your heart. Sometimes, I always think that maybe Songzi once liked me. But it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. We are just two parallel lines that will never intersect.

When I was 22 years old, I returned to Chang'an again after four years of wandering, dusty and weathered. The marriage began to be urged at home, and every time I returned home there was always someone coming to ensure the matchmaking. Looking at the people coming and going, I felt mixed emotions. It’s really tiring to be alone all these years. Maybe having a home is a good choice.

I am determined to leave home, go to Medog, and come back for a blind date and marriage. At this time, I had long hair and was no longer the tomboy that I was when I was young. After being polished by life, I gradually became mature. The gloom on his face has dissipated, replaced by a gentle smile. I finally looked like a girl. On the day I left, I sent Songzi an email for the last time: "Songzi, I'm getting married. I won't send you emails from now on. I wish you happiness."

"After that, I sent a photo of me with long hair reaching my waist. In the photo, I am smiling like a flower.

Songzi did not reply that day. I thought this is good, just let it go and start living again.< /p>

On the day I went to Medog, the weather was very good, and the wind was a bit cold on my face. It should be autumn in a few days! I packed my bags and set off from the county town again, returning to the city I once wanted to escape. I have a lot of feelings in my heart.

The memories about this place are opened again. It is not so unbearable and sad, but just a little bit sad.

This is growth, we have to do it after all. Say goodbye to the past and move forward.

Maybe everything in this world really has its destiny, just like when I was getting ready to get married, I met Zheng Yuan on the train to Tibet. , he was sitting next to me, holding a book in his hand. The noise on the train seemed to have nothing to do with him, and his focused expression was touching. He had beautiful hands, and his fingers were slender when he held the book. Bai. Suddenly I wanted to hold those hands, intertwined with his fingers, and feel the warmth of his palms. When I turned my head to look at him, I happened to meet his eyes and said, "Girl, you." What are you staring at me at? "I didn't expect him to be more direct than me. I could only pretend to be serious and said: "What are you reading!" Can you lend it to me? He smiled meaningfully and said, "That's a good excuse." ”

I suddenly didn’t know how to respond. I have seen many men over the years, but I have never seen a man as interesting as him. I saw his lips opening and closing, and I felt like my mouth was dry.

This was the first time I met Zheng Yuan, and I had various abnormal physiological reactions to him.

We got to know each other all the way to Tibet. Unexpectedly, I had a high degree of depression and was admitted to the hospital. Zheng Yuan gave up all his plans and stayed with me day and night. It was already a week later when I was discharged from the hospital. Stranded, my body was really unable to withstand the bumpy journey.

I always remember those days when he took care of me, a strange woman, in the courtyard of the small hotel in Yongbulakang. , fingers intertwined with my long hair, at that moment I decided to marry him and stay with him forever.

On the day when my body recovered, I confessed to her: "You are like this." I don't know how to repay you for taking care of me. How about you pledge yourself to me? He really pulled me into his arms, put his lips on my forehead and said, "Very good, very good." ”

In this way, I became Zheng Yuan’s girlfriend. I returned to Chang’an with him, and for him I began to settle down and stop wandering.

Married him when I was 23 years old .

At the age of 24, he gave birth to Xiaoshuai.

At the age of 25, he started writing full-time.

At the age of 27, he took care of his lover’s children. Living an ordinary and stable life in a small town.

In the past, I always thought that freedom existed between heaven and earth, but now, I gradually understand that true freedom is inner peace and stability. < /p>

I still dream about that summer, when Songzi said: “I believe her. "It's been a long time since I saw him, it must have been ten years! I seem to have forgotten what Songzi looks like. But he still appears in my dreams.

Until one day I saw this sentence , "What I miss is not you, but the youthful years with you. "Maybe Songzi is my youth! And Zheng Yuan is my future. I am willing to become anything for him.

The years of youth are gradually going away, and we will eventually become different from what we imagined. After all the ups and downs in life, the most real happiness is

I want to escape at the age of seventeen.

I want stability at the age of twenty-seven. p>

In fact, this is growth.

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