Who has a funny joke? The more, the better.

Today, I ate kebabs and got a bad stomach. Go to the hospital for examination, damn it! This is rat meat+gutter oil & Sudan red, 7456! I want to sue him. Next to them also said, "What fast food restaurant is also called' Kentecheng'? The stinky tofu sold is fished out of the cesspit. It stinks so bad that I was robbed by a group of flies before I ate it. As a result, the flies all exploded! "

"that' pulse crotch prison' also wants my life!"

"'Needle-and-Pteris Incubation' really sucks!"

"I am miserable! I went to' Krypton Addiction' and ate my stomach, and then I went to' Nonmin Yiyuan' to prescribe a bad medicine. I also wrote something like' I dare to chaff, and I am embarrassed by virtue', and I also said that medicine introduction is shit! "

"Shit, the' clear aluminum bullet testicles' sold by' Spring Houc Dirt' ate my intestines perforated, my girlfriend's chest ruptured, and my lungs failed. But the guy in the hospital with the sign of' cooking and loan application' said that he would be fine! "

Toilet

There are six rich men, namely a Japanese, a Russian, a French, a Norwegian, a German and an American.

they go shopping together. Being rich, they have little to buy. Only those strange things can attract their attention. It happened that the mall was hyping up the art toilet that had just entered, and all six rich people stopped to watch it.

After watching it for a while, one of them suggested, "This novel toilet is really unusual. How about buying one and trying it?" Because they are all rich people, no one is willing to lag behind, and everyone is going to buy one back.

Japanese love cleanliness, so they bought a "super sanitary toilet". Russians like things with texture, so they bought a "granite toilet"; The French value art, so they bought a "painted toilet"; Norwegians like wooden products, so they bought a "pure wooden toilet"; Germans advocate high technology, so they bought a "computer-controlled toilet"; Americans pay more attention to freedom and relaxation, so they bought a "music toilet".

Six people happily took the toilet home.

A month later, six people got together again in a business meeting. In the process of chatting, the topic unconsciously turned to the toilet they bought last time.

The Japanese were indignant and spoke first: "Damn super sanitary toilet, I have returned it. The instructions say that after each use, the toilet will be automatically disinfected, and the toilet seat will be covered with plastic film and sprayed with the words" It has been disinfected, please feel free to use it ". But now the program is all messed up. Before I got up, it started spraying plastic film on my ass! I have written' disinfected, please feel free to use it' on my ass now! "

the Russians then complained, "I have returned the damn granite toilet, too. These people polished the granite so smooth that it slipped off as soon as they sat on it and fell several times. It was inconvenient, but their buttocks were bruised."

unwilling to lag behind, the Frenchman scolded, "I returned the damn painted toilet, too. The printing quality of the painted toilet is too poor, and it always fades. Now all the pictures on the toilet seat are running up!"

The Norwegian also flew into a rage: "Damn wooden toilet, I also returned it! What quality? I don't know if it was checked when I left the factory. I also said that it was completely managed according to ISO9. It is convenient for me to come together and be full of wood dregs! "

The Germans couldn't bear it at this moment: "The damn computer controls the toilet completely, and I want to return it, too! I don't know what operating system to use, but it always crashes. I'm only halfway through, and it begins to shout:' Now the toilet computer has crashed, please put on your pants and stand up, cover the toilet seat, cover the toilet seat, then uncover the toilet seat, uncover the toilet seat, then take off your pants and sit down again, and the toilet computer can be restarted. thank you Technical support telephone number is 12345678.' Hum!

Finally, it was the American's turn, and he said angrily, "Damn music toilet, I can't do it without returning it! Originally, it was said that it had 3, songs, which could be played randomly when it was convenient. As a result, nine times out of ten, it played the same song-star-spangled banner, which made me have to lift my pants and stand up to salute as soon as I sat down! "

Three Ghosts

Three ghosts came to God and said with one voice, "I died unjustly and should go to heaven!" God: "I only let the most unjust one go to heaven. Let's talk about how you died first."

a: "I'm a cleaner. One day, I was sweeping the floor at the top of an old building with no anti-theft net, and I accidentally fell down. I grabbed a sewer pipe, but the sewer pipe was knocked down by some bastard. Because the building is short, I didn't fall to death. As a result, a refrigerator fell on it and killed me. "

b: "I went to someone else's wife's house to have an affair. As a result, her husband came home and I hid in the refrigerator. As a result, the refrigerator seems to have fallen from the window without the security net. I didn't die because of the protection of the refrigerator. As soon as I came out, someone fell from above and killed me. "

c: "when I came home, I saw my wife with another man from my window. When I got home, I was very angry. I knocked down the sewer pipes, threw away the refrigerators, and made a scene with my wife. As a result, I accidentally fell from the window and hit my head on someone else's head and died. "

God: "You all died unjustly. Go to heaven."

The secret of the toilet

A country has developed a water-spraying toilet. Once, the emissary from country B came to country A and used their toilet, which made him feel very comfortable. So country B also wants to develop a water-jet toilet to show off to the emissary of country A: We also have a water-jet toilet! But the emissary of country A will come the next day, and it's too late to make the toilet ...

The emissary of country A tried the toilet of country B, but I didn't expect it not only to spray water, but also to wipe the bottom with a towel. In order to understand its structure, the messenger stood up and pressed the button again. I saw two hands with a sprinkler and a towel sticking out of the toilet ...

Three little pigs

One day, the wolf wanted to eat three little pigs. Two of the three little pigs are at the door and one is on the roof. Pig 1 and pig 2 are at the door, and pig 3 is on the roof. The name of pig 1 is "Who", the name of pig 2 is "Where", and the name of pig 3 is "What". ) So there is a wonderful dialogue.

wolf: who are you?

Pig 1: Yes

Wolf: What?

pig 1: "what" is on the roof.

wolf: I mean, what's your name?

pig 1: my name is "who" and "what" is on the roof!

The wolf asks Pig 2 again: Who are you?

pig 2: I'm not "who", he is "who". (pointing to pig 1)

Wolf: Do you know him?

pig 2: mmm!

wolf: who is he?

pig 2: yes.

wolf: what?

Pig 2: "What" is on the roof!

wolf: where?

pig 2: "where" is me.

wolf: who?

pig 2: who is he? (pointing to pig 1 again)

Wolf: How do I know?

pig 2: who are you looking for?

wolf: what?

pig 2: is he on the roof?

wolf: where?

pig 2: it's me.

wolf: who?

pig 2: I'm not "who", he is "who".

wolf: my god!

Pig 1.2: "My God" is our father.

wolf: what, is your father?

pig 2: no!

The wolf couldn't stand it any longer, and sighed: Why?

Pig 1.2.3: Do you know our grandfather?

wolf: what?

pig 1: no, our grandfather is "why".

wolf: why?

pig 1: yes!

wolf: what is it?

pig 1: no "why".

wolf: who?

pig 1: who am I?

wolf: who are you?

pig 1: yes, who am I?

wolf: what?

pig 1.2: he's on the roof. .................................................................................................................................................................................. ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ！” As a result, he was arrested, but the charge was not "insulting the president", but "revealing state secrets"!

Original intention

Someone sent a short message to a friend saying, "I want to give you a red envelope!" " He was happy, but then he was unhappy. The next page of the original text message reads: "I have sent a mosquito."

antonym

One day, when the teacher came into the classroom, the students all stood up and shouted, "Good morning, teacher!"

The teacher said angrily, "Just good morning? What about my afternoon? Is it not good? "

Then the students shouted together: "Good afternoon, teacher!"

The teacher said angrily, "What about my evening?"

The students shouted together again: "Good evening, teacher!"

The teacher nodded and said, "That's it. Now shout it again!"

The students shouted, "Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening, teacher!"

The teacher said, "Sit down! Today we are going to review antonyms. Let's practice like this. When I say something, you say antonyms out loud. Start now. "

teacher: "the weather is fine today."

student: "the weather is very bad today."

teacher: "the sun is shining everywhere."

Student: "Clouds are gathering everywhere."

teacher: "the road is crowded with people."

student: "there is no one on the road."

teacher: "young."

student: "old."

teacher: "stand."

Student: "Lie down"

Teacher: "There is a young man standing on the road."

Student: "There was an old man lying on the road."

teacher: "I found a dollar."

student: "I lost one yuan."

teacher: "I found a dollar and gave it to the teacher."

student: "I lost one yuan to steal the teacher."

Teacher: "Wrong, you can't say that!"

student: "correct, you should say so!" "

teacher: "error."

student: "Correct."

teacher: "that's no good, it's illegal!"

student: "it's ok, it's legal!" "

teacher: "I made a mistake."

student: "We are right."

Teacher: "Listen to the teacher, what the teacher said is correct!" "

student: "listen to us, what the teacher said is all wrong!" "

teacher: "you are stupid."

student: "We are smart."

teacher: "stop!"

student: "Go on!"

teacher: "you stop now! Stop it! "

student: "let's continue now! Say it! "

teacher: "you stupid pigs, I said stop!" "

student: "We are all geniuses, we say go on!" "

teacher: "You listen to the teacher!"

student: "The teacher listens to us!"

teacher: "all students have to listen to the teacher!" "

Student: "Teachers have to listen to students!"

teacher: "now you stop practicing!" "

Student: "Now let's keep practicing!"

teacher: "are you endless?"

student: "We finish what we started!"

teacher: "then stop! Stupid pig! "

student: "Then we should continue! Genius! "

... Then the teacher angrily walked out of the classroom with the book in his arms.

Misunderstanding

One day, the blind man and the lame man rode bicycles to go out on business, while the blind man rode and the lame man watched the road. At this moment, a deep ditch suddenly appeared on the road, and the lame man exclaimed, "Ditch, Ditch!" As a result, the blind man thought he was singing and sang back: "Oh, oh, oh, oh!" " As a result, the blind and the lame fell into the ditch together!

consequences of incomprehension

When a prostate doctor met an airplane pilot, he had to make gestures because of different languages.

The doctor made a gesture of "1".

the driver made a "5" gesture.

The doctor made a "very small" gesture.

the driver made a "big" gesture.

The doctor made a gesture of "down".

the driver made a gesture of "going up".

The doctor came home and said, "There is something wrong with that man! I said men have a small, drooping prostate. He said that men have five big, upward prostate glands! ! ！”

The driver came home and said, "There is something wrong with that man! I said there are five planes in our airport. The airport is very big and the planes fly upwards. He said that there is only one plane in their airport. The airport is small and the plane flies down! ! ！”

American children ask China children, "How do you say thank you and you're welcome in Chinese?"

"thanks, you're welcome."

"you talk nonsense! How can anyone say "Shi Shi Shi" but not "bull shit Shi"? ！”

The boss said to his subordinates, "Report (money) in advance."

"I'm going to be a turtle." "But it became kelp."

"who should I imitate?" "They are all very bad."

"I want to drink some water." "Don't drink too fast."

"I want to fly quickly." "But the stewardess is very embarrassed."

"What a bad day." "You really suck."

"You are quite right." "You are very good."

I'm looking at how many prostitutes are accompanying clients in brothels.

I want to be indecent and then fry ...

One day, the demon king caught the princess.

The demon king said, "You can scream your throat ... no one will come to save you ..."

The princess said, "Break your throat ..."

No one said, "Princess ... I'll save you ..." < Found .. "

Shit:" Ghost, you can see me ... "

Devil:" Oh,My God!

god: "who called me?

Who: "Nobody called you ..."

Nobody: "I didn't? Play dumb!

garlic: "who is pretending to be me?

who: "me again? Are you looking for trouble?

trouble: "which one wants to see me?

which one: looking for you? I didn't ... Gee, there are so many people here. "

Many people:" I just arrived ... Who are you?

which one: "I'm not who."

Who: "He's not me."

Princess: "Is everyone here to save me?

Everyone: "I'm not here to save you, but to watch the fun."

Fun: "What am I looking at?

God: "It's none of my business, so go first."

Devil: "Why do so many people save the princess before you go? How can I play this demon king?

Go down: "You good devil won't do it, why should you play me?"

Princess: "If there is no one to play the devil, I can go."

No one: "If I play the devil, how can I let you go ..."

How can I: "I won't let the princess go, I want to watch the fun."

Fun: "What am I doing?"

what: you want to fuck me? Rogue!

how dare you: "I didn't?

me: "What's it to me?"

devil: "shit! I'm going crazy ... "

Shit:" What are you calling me for! ... "

Crazy:" What do you want me to do?

you want me to say, I don't know anything!

I don't know anything: "I don't know!

I don't know: I'm here! Is someone calling me?

someone said, "I didn't call you! 」