Are you kidding?

I allow you to walk into my world, but I don't allow you to walk around in my world.

Confucius said: Sleepless at noon, collapse at noon. Mencius said: Confucius is right!

If I don't go to hell, whoever loves me will go to hell.

People don't attack me, I don't attack; If people let me comity three points; If people give me another chance, I will go for an injection; I was told to mow the grass!

Letter from the thief to the owner: (hilarious)

Hello!

Read words like a face (better not)

First of all, I apologize for opening your door without your permission. However, compared with my peers, I am very particular. No destructive tools such as electric drill and axe were used when unlocking. If you don't mind, you can still use the original lock from an economic point of view. I promise on my honor that I won't steal repeat customers. First of all, you are a small family.

Dude, tell me how I felt when I entered the house. Don't keep it from me. You just got married now. It's not something I can pinch and calculate. It was the decoration in the house that told me. I'm getting married soon, too. To this end, although I am very busy and nervous at work, I have always been very caring and have not carried out large-scale sabotage activities.

I really like the layout design of your new house, elegant chandeliers, beautiful and warm screens, and charming artistic photos of your wife by the bed. I can see you're lucky, man. In a word, everything seems so enviable. When, my buddy can get mixed up like this and quit this business. Dude, tell me about my working procedure, which will help you check and tidy up the battlefield.

There is a small safe in the living room. I had a hard time opening it, which made me quite disappointed. There are only ten letters there. I opened one and looked at it several times. It was a love letter you wrote to a little girl many years ago. If it weren't for the tight time and heavy task, I would have to take a closer look. I, besides this line, like literature, for your privacy and not to be discovered by your wife. Later, I opened it and found that there was no US dollar, only to find that you were really talented. Your love letter is really good, sour and full of hook words between the lines. No wonder your wife is so beautiful. Besides, I drank a bottle of juice from the refrigerator, which was delicious. I really forgot what brand it was. The south room, which is your bedroom, is my key place to take care of. Because I was in a hurry, the bedspread and sheets were thrown on the ground. But don't worry, I walked back and forth in your new socks, so I didn't get those things dirty. The TV and stereo are good and heavy, and I didn't take them away or destroy them (for this, you should thank me. Some people in our business can't take it with them.

I rummaged through all the drawers in the North House. I only found a diamond ring, which may be your wedding token for your wife. I didn't want to take it with me at first, but my brother really needs to get married. I have no choice but to accept. I didn't touch the rest of the things, such as toothbrush and key chain. The East Room is your bookcase. I thought you were a book lover, but when I turned it over, it was full of prop books, only leather and boxes, but no real books. I was disappointed, but I still took the DVD "world without thieves" at the bottom of the bookcase. On the one hand, I have long heard that this is a good film, so I have no time to see it. I just took it home to have a look. Secondly, I want to learn new technologies from my peers. What age is it? Knowledge explodes and updates too quickly.

I could have done my work more carefully, but because people kept walking outside and I didn't want to fight, I ended up in a hurry. This gain (including your loss, of course) is as follows:

Cash: 36,700 yuan

diamond ring

A DVD

a bottle of juice

Ten love letters

The total price cannot be estimated because of the love letter.

Although I really want to write more to you to comfort your helpless heart, I can't sleep at night because I have a new task. See you later (sorry, copy a sentence from your love letter at the end)! !

Forgive me for not leaving my name

X year x month x day, under the lamp, in a hurry.

1) told you a terrible, ridiculous and sad story.

A ghost, terrible. You farted. This is ridiculous. Smoked a group of people to death, pathetic.

! ! ! ! ! ! !

(2) A county magistrate with a strong accent went to the village to make a report: "Rabbit, shrimp, pig tail! No pickles, pickles are too expensive! ! 」

Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! ! )

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said, "Sausages and pickles, please!"! 」

Now, please talk to the township head! )

The township head said, "Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is a big jerk!" 」

Comrades, that's enough for today. We are all big bowls! )

No pickles, I'll pick up a piece of shit and lick it for you. ...

Don't talk, I'll tell you a story.

1. The headmaster and English teacher visited a middle school in France. The headmaster spoke in the auditorium and the English teacher translated.

Principal: "Teachers and students!"

English teacher: "Ladies and gentlemen!"

Principal: "Ladies and gentlemen!"

English teacher-_-! Thought for a moment and said, "Good morning!"

Principal: "Good morning!"

English teacher: ... = = "Sweat.

2. It is said that there is a polar bear, because the snow is too dazzling, he has to wear sunglasses to see things, but he can't find sunglasses, so he crawls around on the ground with his eyes closed and crawls until his hands and feet are dirty. Put on sunglasses and look in the mirror, only to find: Oh, I'm a panda.

3. A polar bear stayed in a daze on the ice. When he was really bored, he began to pluck his hair, one, two, three, and there was no last one left, and then he froze to death.

4. Once upon a time, there was a bird that passed through a cornfield every day, but unfortunately, one day there was a fire in that cornfield, and all the corn turned into popcorn! ! ! After the bird flew by ... it thought it was snowing, so it was very cold.

Xiaoming got a new haircut and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged, so he ran outside crying and flew away.

6. The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly refused it. Spider asks: Why? This is why! Butterfly said: My mother said that people who fool around on the Internet all day are not good people.

7. On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said it was too hot. I want to take off my clothes. As a result, he skinned it. As a result, the banana in the back fell down. Then peeled bananas become dried bananas ~

One day, three explorers finally found the "Valley of Hope". According to legend, as long as you stand on the edge of the valley and shout out what you want, and then jump into the valley, you will get what you want. So the three of them decided to have a try.

The first one was a goat, so he shouted "Woman! Woman! " The next jump is really full of beautiful women waiting for him.

The second is a bookworm, shouting "Book Book Book Book Book Book!" Then, jump into the valley and get books full of pits and valleys.

The third kind is an indecisive person, who can't decide what he likes after thinking about it. After an hour, he finally made up his mind that money is the most useful thing, so he went to the valley. He accidentally kicked a stone and scolded, "Shit!" Unexpectedly, an unstable center of gravity fell into the valley.

9. What about Xiaoming? He will have an exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV in the evening.

Xiao Ming's mother asked anxiously: Have you finished all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it.

Xiao Ming's mother praised Xiao Ming happily: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'.

10. The panda loves the deer deeply, but it is rejected when expressing its love. Panda roar ~ why? What's all this for? The deer said timidly, my mother said that those who wear sunglasses are all bad teenagers.

1 1. One day, Xiao Ming was walking on the road. I suddenly feel sore when I walk! Why is this happening? Because Xiaoming stepped on a lemon!

12. Which Chinese character is the coolest? Thong (cool)

The towel said to the coin, son. If you put on a doctor's hat, you will be worth a hundred times.

The "ruler" said to "do": Sister, the results have come out. You are pregnant with twins.

The minister said to the giant: the same area as you. I have three rooms and two halls.

13. One day, a university teacher asked a student that there were ten birds in the tree and one was shot dead. How much is left?

The student asked: Is it silent pistol? No, how loud was the shot? 80- 100 decibel. Is it illegal to shoot birds in this city? No offense. Are you sure that bird was really killed? Of course. At this time, the teacher was impatient: "Will you just tell me how many birds are left?" Are there some deaf birds in the tree? No. Have you ever been caged and hung from a tree? No. Are there any other trees nearby? Are there any other birds in the tree? No, if a bird is pregnant, is it a bird in its belly? Not exactly. Are there any flowers in the bird swatter's eyes? There are no flowers, only ten. The teacher was sweating all over, and the bell rang, but the students continued to ask: Are there any stupid birds that are not afraid of death? Fear of death. Would you kill two with one shot? No, the student said confidently, if your answer is not a lie, "if the bird that was killed hangs on the tree and doesn't fall, there is only one left." If it falls, there will be none left. " . The teacher immediately foaming at the mouth fell to the ground!

14. One day, someone passed a crossroads and found something super scary. He found Kakashi and the Monkey King laughing!

15. Once upon a time, one night, there were three shrimps in the pond. Ha ha ha, a female ghost farted to death.

16. A female alien engaged in biological research came to the earth. Turning around, she felt that there were many things worth learning from human genes, so she arrested a person and wanted to take him back with written information about human genes. But the ship is too small to take him away, and the information is too huge to take away at one time. Just when she was anxious, the computer help system of the spaceship said, "This man has a small stick, which can solve all your problems …" Then she suddenly realized and smiled and said to the drooling man. . . . . Give me the flash drive! " .

17. A potholed man was crossing the road, but he was accidentally run over by a truck. When he died, he looked at his body and said, "I was stuffed with bean paste, not meat."

18. Brother, stop touching it! You touched the top and the bottom, and your hair fell out. Such tender skin, you have touched all the water! How do you want me to sell it later? These peaches are all fresh, don't buy them!

19. Once upon a time, there was a lamb. One day, he went out to play and met a wolf. The wolf said: I want to eat you! ! ! The lamb is frightened! Guess what happened? As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.

20. Once upon a time, there was a swordsman. He was cold, his heart was cold, his sword was cold, and finally he died of cold.

2 1. Once upon a time, there was a tiger chasing a deer on the road! The deer was frightened, ran faster and faster, and finally turned into a highway.

22. One tomato was smashed by a stone, another tomato was smashed, another tomato was smashed, countless tomatoes were smashed, and the last tomato fell! Tomato sauce!

23. The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: Shit, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

24. One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by wolves. Wolves easily destroyed straw houses, wooden houses and brick houses. Three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but the wolf caught up with them. The three little pigs said in despair, it's up to you. We gave up, whatever you wanted. At this moment, the wolf grinned and drooled and said, Then tell me where Little Red Riding Hood is.

25. The elephant put shit in the middle of the road, and an ant just passed by. Looking up at the misty mountain peak, it couldn't help singing: Alasao, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

26. Don't worry if you don't bring paper when you are by the railway. The train will remind you: pants wipe, pants wipe, pants wipe! Don't worry, when you go to the toilet by the river and there is no paper, the frog will tell you: scratch, scratch, scratch!

27. Two counterfeiters inadvertently created counterfeit banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they bought a 15 yuan candied haws with 0 yuan, they cried and the farmer gave them two 7-dollar ones.