Mandarin jokes

Mandarin Jokes

It takes me ten years to laugh. Sometimes a serious joke is not funny, but a very cold joke can make you laugh for a long time. You Do you have such experience?

Hunan version

1. Recently I was learning the cooking method of Hunan cuisine from a famous chef in Hunan, and I want to test it today Results.

I saw the famous chef take a bite of my cooking and boast loudly: "I'm convinced! I'm really convinced!"

Hearing this, I was flattered and asked: "Really?" ?Is it really so delicious?

?It’s so delicious that the dishes are cooked!

2. In the past, there were no refrigerators, so leftover rice was put in rice baskets.

One day a guest came unexpectedly. Afraid that there would not be enough fresh rice, she told the guest: "No trouble, don't worry, there is still fried rice in the basket." As a result, the customer heard that there is still grass in the (cow) pen?

3. Question: Hey, are you a pig? (Personnel Bureau)?

The other party: You are mistaken, I am not a pig (Personnel Bureau). My mother is a pig (grain bureau). ?

4. The bus company requires conductors to speak Mandarin. So one day I was taking a bus, and as soon as I got on the bus, I heard the conductor shouting in plastic Mandarin: "Please go to your stomach, go to your stomach, what's the point?" , causing a burst of laughter.

Shaanxi version

1. Taxi driver: Guy, I’ll hand over the taxi and you’ll block one.

China-Pakistan conductor: Man, the guy who went down just now wanted to cut off your vagina.

Restaurant owner: Man, the invoice is finished, you can pick it up tomorrow.

Traffic Warden: I’m so anxious to hit the ball that I can’t even stop him.

Taxi driver: Police, you are so wet.

Police: Shao Pigan, 200 yuan.

Cleaner: It’s as dirty as pine!

Barbeque boss: I’m still washing the pineapple. Hurry and pierce the meat. The buyer will be here soon.

Boss of Spicy Soup: I’m buying a loose nugget. Work quickly and leave your nose in the pot.

Vegetable Box Boss: Hurry to the wholesale market today to buy 50 pounds of hot water oil and 500 ** bags. There is no more oil and plastic bags.

Vegetarian: I will pay him the hammer tax.

Fans: Thief! Thief! Thief!

Mayor: We are a world-class civilized ancient city

2. Address the elders as "砣人" in honor,

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The child is nicknamed "Riva".

No problem? No Mada?,

Wimpy? Eight catches a day?

To speak is called "yanzhuan",

To talk about everything is called "nonsense". < /p>

The two had a grudge and shouted: "Don't flatter me".

The alias of fried dough sticks is "fried ghost",

The alias of fried dough sticks is "fried glutinous rice".

Wedding delivery is called "seeing off customers",

Having an affair in the middle of the night is called "whoring customer".

An arrogant attitude is called "crooked",

Going forward headlong is called "ferocious",

Being able to eat, scream, and chatter,

A person who does things poorly is called "Ma Yan",

A person who does things neatly is called "Mali",

A person with a difficult personality is called "Mimi".

There is a long list of Guanzhong slang,

I can’t finish it until dark.

Fellow villagers from different places met each other,

A few words of local accent made them fall in love!

Chasing a lion with just a hook? It is both shameless and life-threatening

< p> A fine hook to drive away wolves? A bold and shameless person?!

Weighing up a cannon to hit the moon? Not to mention high or low, you can’t even weigh the weight!

Ask you to read If you don’t read blessings, you will get rich and steal Lao Fu

Lao wa (Lao crow), Lao wa, go home and fry beans for your mother. One bowl for you, one bowl for hunger, and your baby No matter if you are hungry or not.

Guangdong version

1. Leaders from Shantou, Guangdong speak in Mandarin

The conference is about to start (the conference begins), Xiang Zai asks for leadership Fayang (now please let the leaders speak); Dear sons-in-law and fellow villagers (ladies and gentlemen), Wameng Jieyang (we are in Jieyang), Hongjingmaili (beautiful scenery), Gaotong desolate (convenient transportation), and there are many pheasants (There are many business opportunities), you are welcome to rob sheep and steal pigs (you are welcome to invest in Jieyang), tile flower exhibition (I develop), you hit the wall (you make money), everyone steals pigs together (everyone invests together) , everyone *** hits the wall together (everyone *** makes money together), scares everyone (thank you everyone)

2. A leader of Guangdong Province went to the countryside to inspect, stood on the bow of the ship, Shi Xingda said: Stand Looking at his beloved wife from the bedside, the more he looks at it, the less powerful he becomes.

In fact, what he wants to say is: standing at the bow of the ship to look at the effect area, the more he looks at it, the more beautiful she becomes.

The leader also Because he was not afraid of jokes and spoke Mandarin boldly, he was promoted as a role model for speaking Mandarin boldly.

3. One day, a minister named Zhou happened to be on duty, and a superior leader called and asked:

Who are you?

No. (Minister)

Who are you?

If you don’t want to tell me, I won’t tell you. ( Minister, I am Minister Zhou)

4. In economics class, the teacher asked what is the difference between investment and speculation? An older brother said: One is Mandarin and the other is Cantonese?

Sichuan Version

1. The army began to train new recruits. One day, the company instructor from rural Sichuan loudly and seriously assigned training tasks to the two recruit classes that had just assembled: Class one kills chickens, class two steals eggs, class three commits suicide, and now I will make porridge for everyone! After falling, the soldiers looked at each other with big eyes and small eyes. They were at a loss and had to stand in place and dare not move. Helpless, the instructor said loudly two or three times before everyone understood what he meant: Class 1 (practice) shooting, Class 2 (practice) bombing (grenade), Class 3 (practice) assassination, now he will do it for everyone first. Let’s demonstrate.

2. A man from another province entered a Sichuan restaurant and ordered a fish-flavored eggplant, and the following passage occurred:

?Boss, boss!!?

?What's the matter?

?How come you don't get any fish in your fish-flavored eggplant?

?You don't get any fish in your fish-flavored eggplant!?

Why is it called fish-flavored eggplant if there is no fish?

You are an ancestor? According to your child, if you order some tiger skin green pepper, I still have to order it. Can I get you a piece of tiger skin? If you order a "wife cake", will I give you a wife? If you order a "couple's lung slice" for me, don't I have to kill two people for you?!?

3. Two people from Chongqing traveled to Beijing and looked at the map on the bus.

A: Let’s fight to Tiananmen first, and then to Zhongnanhai...?

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B: If you want, we will follow the route you mentioned and fight all the way. ?

Unfortunately, he was reported by fellow passengers. As soon as he got off the bus, he was taken to the public security bureau and was released after N hours of explaining the situation.

A and B came to Tiananmen Square and watched the people coming and going. They were speechless...

A couldn't help but said: "You're just wandering around." How dare you open your mouth (gun)?

B: "You don't want to open your mouth (gun), how dare I do it?"

As soon as he finished speaking, he was turned to the public security organ. A week later, the two of them walked out of the gate of the detention center. You looked at me and I looked at you.

A said: Leha is at ease now. His bags are all packed. Where can I get some bullets? ?

.....The armed police at the door rushed up and pushed the two people to the ground.

Finally, the national government issued a notice strictly prohibiting people from speaking Chongqing dialect in Beijing during the Olympic Games

4. Let’s talk about a reporter interviewing a bus driver...

Note: Are there any usable tools in the car at that time?

Director: There is a hammer! (It means there is none)

Note: There is a hammer, right? ?

Si: There is a hammer! (No hammer)

Note: So is there a hammer?

Si: There is a shovel (chuan) )! (It also means no)

Note: Is there a shovel?

Division: There is a hammer and a shovel! (There is no shovel)

Journalist: Is there a shovel or a hammer?

Fujian version

1. A Fujianese’s angry complaint against the 2015 CCTV Spring Festival Gala: Jinlian’s Spring Festival Gala blackmailed our ordinary hair, Hu Jianren , it’s too messy, don’t be angry, it’s all in the forest! I remember 10 years ago, I went from Qianzhou (Quanzhou) to Shandong to buy shoes, and I asked the whole class to introduce the children’s shoes, and I said the weather in Qianzhou Hui Zang Su Hu, there are a lot of seafood, the mixed urine is more delicious, the children's shoes are always teasing me, I really want to kick them. It doesn’t matter if you think about it, the gold will be spent sooner or later!

2. It is said that in the Qing Dynasty when literary prisons were prevalent,

A eunuch came to Fujian to travel and heard that the people were Speaking Hokkien,

Suddenly he had an idea: "If I learn Hokkien, I can show off to others when I go back to the palace."

So he asked the locals to teach him. Some simple and easy-to-remember Hokkien words,

Since he returned to Beijing, he always looked for opportunities to express himself,

One day when the imperial kitchen notified the emperor of his meal,

He shouted: "Your Majesty, please die (for dinner)... Your Majesty has died!"

The Emperor was very angry when he heard this, so he ordered Push him out and kill him!

3. A drunk Ogisang rushed to the hospital for emergency treatment. The nurse asked him to fill in the information.

He only wrote one "lin" and then stopped.

The nurse asked: "What are you doing? (Hokkien pronunciation)"

Ogissan replied: "I drink sorghum wine."

"

The nurse said: "No! I asked you what your name is? (Hokkien pronunciation)"

Ogisang replied again: "My name is kelp and beef... .."

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