Tell me some really funny jokes

Toilet

There are six rich men, namely a Japanese, a Russian, a French, a Norwegian, a German and an American.

They went to the mall together. Being rich, they have little left to buy. Only the weird stuff can attract their attention. Just as the mall was promoting the new art toilet, the six rich men stopped to watch.

After watching for a while, one of them suggested: "Such a novel toilet is indeed very unusual. How about buying one and trying it?" Because they are all rich people, no one is far behind, and everyone plans to buy it. One goes back.

The Japanese love cleanliness, so they bought a "super hygienic toilet"; the Russians like textured things, so they bought a "granite toilet"; the French value art, so they bought a "painted toilet" "Toilet"; Norwegians favor wood products, so they bought a "pure wooden toilet"; Germans advocate high technology, so they bought a "computer-controlled toilet"; Americans value freedom and relaxation, so they bought a "music toilet" .

Six people happily transported the toilet home.

A month later, six people got together again during a business meeting. During the chat, the topic unknowingly turned to the toilet they purchased last time.

The Japanese were indignant and spoke first: "I have returned the damn super hygienic toilet. The instructions say that the toilet will be automatically disinfected after each use and a plastic film will be put on the toilet seat. , sprayed with the words "It has been disinfected, please feel free to use". But now the procedure is completely messed up. Before I could stand up, it started spraying plastic film on my butt. I now have "It has been disinfected, please feel free to use" written on it. Use'! ”

The Russians then complained: “I have also returned the damn granite toilet. These people polished the granite too smooth. As soon as I sat on it, it immediately slipped and fell. Several times, it was inconvenient and my butt was bruised."

The French were not to be outdone and cursed: "I also returned the damn painted toilet. The printing quality of the painting is too bad. It keeps fading, and the paintings on the toilet seat are all gone!”

The Norwegian was also furious: “I also returned the damn pure wooden toilet! What’s the quality of it?” I don’t know if there were any checks at the time, but they also said that the management will be completely based on ISO9000. I’ll come along with you, but I’m full of scum!”

The Germans couldn’t bear it anymore: “The damn computer controls the toilet. I also want to return the product! I don’t know what operating system I use, but it keeps crashing. I was only halfway through it when it started shouting: ‘The toilet computer has crashed. Please put on your pants and stand up, close the toilet seat, close the toilet seat. Then open the toilet seat, take off your pants and sit down again, and the toilet computer will restart. ”

Final round. When he came to the Americans, he said angrily: "Damn music toilet, I can't do it without returning it! Originally it was said to have 3,000 songs in it, and it could be played randomly when convenient, but it ended up playing the same song nine times out of ten - The American national anthem made me pull up my pants and stand up to salute as soon as I sat down!"

Three ghosts

The three ghosts came to God and said in unison: "I He died very unfairly and should go to heaven!" God: "I will only let the most unjust person go to heaven. Let me tell you how you died first." A: "I am a cleaner. I was sweeping the floor on the roof of an old, low-rise building that didn't have a security net, and I accidentally fell down. I grabbed a sewer pipe, but some bastard pushed it down because the building was low, so I didn't fall. Die. A refrigerator fell down and killed me."

B: "I went to someone else's wife's house to have an affair, but her husband came home and I hid in the refrigerator. I fell out of the window without a security net. I didn’t die because it was protected by a refrigerator. As soon as I came out, someone fell from the window and killed me.”

C: “I went home. At that time, I saw my wife with another man from the window of my house. I was so angry that I knocked down the sewer pipes, threw away the refrigerator, and made a fuss with my wife accidentally. He fell, hit his head on someone else's head and died. ”

God: “You all died unjustly. Let’s all go to heaven.” ”

The secret of the toilet

Country A developed a spray toilet. Once, an envoy from country B came to country A and used their toilet and felt very comfortable. So B The country also wants to develop a water-spray toilet and show off to the envoy from country A: We also have a water-spray toilet! But the envoy from country A is coming on the second day and it is too late to make the toilet...

The envoy from country A I tried the toilet in country B, but I didn't expect that it not only sprayed water, but also had a towel to wipe my butt. In order to understand its structure, the messenger stood up and pressed the button again. The two hands of the towel stretched out from the toilet...

The Three Little Pigs

One day, the wolf wanted to eat the three little pigs. Two of the three little pigs were at the door. One is on the roof. (Pig 1 and Pig 2 are at the door, and Pig 3 is on the roof.

Pig 1's name is "Who", Pig 2's name is "Where", and Pig 3's name is "What". ) So there is a wonderful dialogue.

Wolf: Who are you?

Pig 1: Yes

Wolf: What?

Pig 1: "What" is on the roof.

Wolf: I asked you what your name is?

Pig 1: My name is "Who", "What" is on the roof!

The wolf asked Pig 2 again: Who are you?

Pig 2: I am not "who", he is "who". (Pointing to Pig 1)

Wolf: Do you know him?

Pig 2: Yeah!

Wolf: Who is he?

Pig 2: Yes.

Wolf: What?

Pig 2: "What" is on the roof!

Wolf: Where?

Pig 2: "Where" is me.

Wolf: Who?

Pig 2: "Who" is he. (Pointing to Pig 1 again)

Wolf: How do I know.

Pig 2: "Who" are you looking for?

Wolf: What?

Pig 2: Is he on the roof?

Wolf: Where?

Pig 2: It’s me.

Wolf: Who?

Pig 2: I am not "who", he is "who".

Wolf: Oh my God!

Pig 1·2: "Oh my God" is our father.

Wolf: What, is it your father?

Pig 2: No!

The wolf couldn't stand it anymore and looked up to the sky and sighed: Why?

Pig 1·2·3: Do you know our grandfather?

Wolf: What?

Pig 1: No, our grandfather is "why".

Wolf: Why?

Pig 1: Yes!

Wolf: What is it?

Pig 1: No "why".

Wolf: Who?

Pig 1: "Who am I".

Wolf: Who are you?

Pig 1: Yes, I am "who".

Wolf: What?

Pig 1·2: He is on the roof. …………

Reason for arrest

Someone yelled: "The President is an idiot!!!!!!!!!" As a result, he was arrested, but the charge was not "insult" President", but "revealing high-level national secrets"!

Intention

Someone sent a text message to a friend saying: "I want to send you a red envelope!" He was very happy, but later he became unhappy. It turned out that the next page of the text message read: "I have sent a mosquito."

Antonyms

One day, the teacher walked into the classroom, and the students stood up and shouted: " Good morning, teacher!"

The teacher said angrily: "What about my afternoon?"

Then the students shouted again: "Good afternoon, teacher!"

The teacher said angrily: "What about me in the evening?"

The students shouted together: "Good afternoon, teacher!"

The teacher nodded and said: "That's it, let's shout it again!"

The students shouted in unison: "Teacher, good morning, good afternoon, and good evening!"

The teacher said: "Sit down! Today we are going to review antonyms. Let's practice like this. I will say one thing and you will say the antonyms out loud. Start now."

Teacher: "The weather is very good today."

Student: "The weather is very bad today."

Teacher: "The sun is shining everywhere."

Student: "It is cloudy everywhere."

Teacher: "The road is crowded with people."

Student: "There is no one on the road."

Teacher: "Young."

Student: "Old ."

Teacher: "Stand."

Student: "Lie down."

Teacher: "There is a young man standing on the road."

Student: "There was a young man lying down on the road."

Teacher: "I picked up a dollar."

Student: "I lost a dollar. ”

Teacher: “I picked up a dollar and gave it to the teacher.”

Student: “I lost a dollar and stole it from the teacher.”

Teacher: "Wrong, you can't say that!"

Student: "That's right, you should say it like this!"

Teacher: "Wrong."

Student: " Correct."

Teacher: "This is not allowed, this is illegal!"

Student: "This is okay, this is legal!"

Teacher: "I said it was wrong."

Student: "We said it was correct."

Teacher: "Listen to the teacher, what the teacher says is correct!"

Student: "Listen to us, everything the teacher says is wrong!"

Teacher: "You are stupid."

Student: "We are smart.

"

Teacher: "Stop! ”

Student: “Continue!” ”

Teacher: “Stop now!” Stop talking! ”

Student: “Let’s continue now! More to say! ”

Teacher: “You stupid pigs, I say stop!” ”

Student: “We are all geniuses, we say continue!” ”

Teacher: “You listen to the teacher!” "

Student: "Teacher, listen to us! ”

Teacher: “Students must listen to the teacher!” ”

Student: “Teachers must listen to their students!” ”

Teacher: “Stop practicing now! ”

Student: “Now let’s continue practicing!

Teacher: "Are you done?" ”

Student: “We have a beginning and an end!” ”

Teacher: “Then stop!” idiot! ”

Student: “Then we should continue!” genius! "

....Then the teacher walked out of the classroom angrily holding the book in his arms

Understanding error

One day the blind man and the lame man went out on bicycles to do errands, the blind man Riding, the lame man looked at the road, and suddenly a deep ditch appeared on the road. The lame man screamed: "Ditch, ditch, ditch!" "As a result, the blind man thought he was singing, and sang back: "Oh, oh, oh! "As a result, the blind man and the lame man fell into the ditch together!

The consequences of not understanding

A prostatologist met an airplane pilot. Because the language was different, he had to make gestures.

The doctor made a "1" gesture.

The driver made a "5" gesture.

The driver gestured "big"

The doctor gestured "down"

The driver gestured "up"

The doctor went home and said: "There is something wrong with that man! I say men have a small, droopy prostate. He said that men have five large, upward-facing prostates! ! ! "

The driver went home and said: "There is something wrong with that man! I said that our airport has five planes. The airport is very big and the planes fly upward.

He said there was only one plane at their airport, the airport was small and the plane flew downwards! ! ! ”