In early December, I was born to die.

Aquarius, who has known each other for a short time but has a good relationship, cries very cold every day. She just came back from Beijing and always said that Nanjing was too cold to adapt to the weather in Nanjing and wanted to go back to Beijing. But in fact she grew up in Anhui and studied in Nanjing.

I'm afraid of the cold, but I feel that winter in Nanjing is getting warmer and warmer. Every time my mother told me to go home wrapped in a cotton-padded jacket in the video, I refused again and again, saying that I would go back when it was warm.

People always stop and go. If they walk for a long time, they will turn to other places as their hometown.

In fact, you come from wherever you come from. But they are all dreams bearing memories and hopes.

1

I walked to the bus stop in the morning and felt a little hot. He took off his coat and put it over his arm. A warm or lonely folk song came from the earphone, sitting in front of the platform and watching the traffic in front of me.

There is a girl shivering in a down jacket and scarf, and I can feel her surprised eyes.

But I really feel warm.

I bought a lot of warm clothes recently, just hoping to get warmer and warmer.

I wore a beige sweater and sat in front of the podium thinly, out of place, but enjoying myself.

Sometimes, people's mood depends entirely on themselves. I used to wear a gray sweater and a black coat. It was dark from top to bottom, and I plunged into the crowd and disappeared.

The atmosphere of inferiority is like a dark gray shadow, crawling on my clothes and lingering. At that time, I refused to wear all bright colors and all clothes that looked fashionable. The principle of my dress is-don't let others notice me.

Now that I think about it, I feel that I was really stupid and cute at that time. Although it is said that I am looking for my own comfortable peace in the crowd, it is actually because of my inner inferiority. If I am really peaceful and confident, I will still have a good time even if everyone is watching me.

It's not that I don't wear dark clothes now, but that I start to buy some clothes that I really think look good, no matter what people around me wear. Wear clothes that look good to you before you go out, even if you just go to the supermarket to buy a drink.

I always think that paying too much attention to appearance is a superficial behavior, and I hope I will be casual in appearance. But now I find that loving myself is the real gentleness. Because I began to love myself.

I don't keep an ordinary shape for a sense of security, nor do I keep long hair and stand in high heels for my beloved. I did it for myself. When I was used to thinking about people around me for half my life, I finally felt that it was very important to love myself this year, and my heart became happier and more fulfilling because of loving myself.

Love yourself first, then love others, and others will not think that your love is so heavy.

If the person you love loves you and sees you full of vigor and beauty, he will be very happy, but he will only feel guilty and burdened when he sees you wronged yourself and fulfilled him all day.

I didn't learn this truth until my Kaka left me, and I suddenly realized it. And young girls, don't be silly to say that I will sacrifice everything for you, and don't save money for my family after giving birth.

Because on the one hand, your sacrifice is to meet the needs of shaping your great image, on the other hand, you will feel wronged and have many inexplicable expectations and demands for love.

Love can't stand the excessive waste of one party, and it can't stand the excessive pay of one party. Guilt will crowd out the love of your lover step by step.

The best love should be that I think you are excellent, you think I am beautiful, and we appreciate each other.

2

I wrote about my feelings in Wuxi the other day. I wrote that I stopped under the bridge in Nanchang Street, and I had a lot of thoughts.

I saw a friend I haven't contacted for a long time yesterday. I also went to Nanchang Street and took photos, which greatly praised me. I suddenly feel very lucky. Seeing the family in Zhenhe, I remembered the idea of that day and left a few lines under my friend's photo.

After a while, I just grinned when I saw my friend reply.

Suddenly I feel that there is a feeling of wrong payment. I thought my thoughts and your complex could be connected by a bridge and a street, but I got a casual perfunctory from you.

So I deleted the reply and deleted this friend.

To be honest, I rarely delete my good friend, even if she turns into a WeChat business. But I deleted this only because I thought I paid it by mistake.

For an instant, I also laughed at myself. Although I don't have the talent of ancient literati, I am rather sour.

This sour gas may have deviated from my expectation of being more peaceful.

I still don't know if deleting this friend is right or wrong, and I don't know if my little sour gas is right or wrong.

However, friends and love, too, have too many untimely expectations and cannot be evenly matched.

If you don't care so much, you might as well follow your heart.

This is the wonderful thing about feelings. Our feelings are always eager for some kind of response. If there is no such response, we will inevitably feel sad and feel that a sincere heart has been wrongly paid.

But if there is no such expectation, it must have reached a certain realm of life. The colorful emotional world of ordinary people mostly stems from this expectation and choice.

three

Since I had this software, my habit of playing games in my spare time has changed to watching it in my spare time. Sometimes I can read many good articles and make friends.

Just turn down a few pages on the home page, and I can't see a favorite topic.

Now that I have seen most of the topics, I seem to see the author's head next to me. I put out my hand and said, Look, how beautiful it is! Come in and give me a compliment. .

What's your favorite topic? Well, I'm not ashamed to say that I don't know what to say after reading a topic similar to mine.

The so-called "incomprehensible topics" are mostly the author's real thoughts and real life.

Therefore, I like people who write poems in the library. They don't care if anyone reads, likes or leaves a message. They just like to write poems.

On that day, Kaka and I talked about reading and writing. People are becoming more and more utilitarian. People read useful books and write purposeful articles.

When these people are studying, the real interest in reading for him comes from the profound knowledge and the satisfaction of being appreciated by others when chatting with others after reading.

When these people write, the real pleasure of writing comes from the appreciation and evaluation of his articles by others.

Their pleasure comes from the process of reading and writing and depends on the reaction of others. In other words, their happiness comes from others, not from reading and writing.

And those who really love reading or writing, the best feeling should come from the process of reading and writing.

When I open a book, I sit as if I had been promoted by the author. The author is saying, I'm listening. I saw him talking, and I was in no hurry. I think he said childhood, reminiscing about the past. I saw him talking about life and death. Speaking of affection, I shed tears with him. Speaking of excitement, I can share his dazzling talent. When a book is closed, I have got the greatest satisfaction, just like the quietest, most sincere and most calm encounter between me and him in the world. Then, we live our own lives, take out this book a few years later, and we can talk by candlelight again.

When I write, it's like reading. I don't expect how wonderful my writing is, how beautiful my story is, and I don't crave the approval of many people. I just want to be an honest confidante, even if only one person is listening, or there is no one at all, I am only facing a machine thinking in the network, and I am also very happy. Because this kind of listening is pure and sincere. When I finish writing an article, I can release my depression and share my happiness. Then I reread my article happily, just like talking to myself, facing the truest self, so the more I read, the clearer I get.

As for the reader's appreciation and comments after writing, it is naturally a very good comfort for the writer, but it is only because of the extra reward you get from your sincere writing, and it must not be the original intention of writing.

As a hobby, reading and writing are necessarily enjoyable.

Lu Xun used words to express his inner criticism, Xi Murong used words to think about his past, Yu used words to wander in the long river of history and culture, Ann used words to revel in graceful poems and the beautiful love behind them, and many authors used words to describe their thoughts, record the little things around them, place their feelings with nowhere to carry, and awaken the souls hidden in the world.

Writing is a pleasure. Anyone who can write can enjoy happiness. I hope all writers can put aside their utilitarian heart and feel the purest happiness behind writing.

four

Back to my own topic, I was born to die.

Some time ago, I experienced the stage of reshaping the three views in my life, and the collapse of my love view almost made me unable to extricate myself. Then writing and reading brought me back to Qingming.

I am like a bystander, reflecting on my past, and finally I decided to let go of everything, no more empty expectations, no more neurotic retention. I don't ask for company, I keep my love.

I close my eyes, and it's like I'm two people. One is me in the future and the other is me in the past.

Later, I will hold the past me in my arms and comfort myself softly:

When I figured it out, I found that although I still didn't give up, it was not so painful. I can wear a smile and tears. Communicate with Kaka with feelings, but without persecution. I can talk quietly about our past and my thoughts.

At first, I had a grudge against him, complaining that he broke his previous promise, complaining that his love was so easy to change, and complaining that he ruined my happiness emotionally.

Now I can only thank him. Thank him for bringing me the most beautiful love, for accompanying me through eight years of storms, for telling me instead of deceiving me after he didn't love me, and for listening to me with a smile. Sometimes I even thank Kaka for not loving me this time. It was like a blow to the head, waking me up from the chaos. When I was ready to give up everything, I found my true self.

When I told him some ideas, I saw his eyes red twice.

On the way home, it was already dark and the child was fast asleep in the back seat. Kaka said that I am actually much more mature than him now. I am gratified in my heart.

I finally understand why he said I always pushed him. It's not really forcing him to do anything, but love without convergence, which gives him too much oppression.

On the road of love, I walked and forgot my initial heart. I once said, I hope I am like a flower, and I hope I can bloom and love quietly beside you.

But later, I became a vine, attached to you endlessly, and I didn't know how to advance and retreat.

Now, I am no longer a flower or a vine, but a kapok tree beside you. I have known "To the Oak Tree" since I was a child, and now I know that it is the best love.

1February is coming, and it's another winter.

Everything dies and lives to death.