The six years I spent playing games with myself

? "The Six Years of Game Between Me and Myself"

? In 2014, when I was sixteen, I said to the person I liked: "Do you all love smart women?" What about children? Wouldn’t a person with no education like me attract your attention?"

The other party said: "Of course not, academic qualifications are just external."

I said happily: "Great, I thought you didn't like me."

The other party hesitated and didn't speak, so I quickly changed the topic and talked with him about empirical evidence and history.

I said: "I read a very interesting statement on the Internet the day before yesterday, saying that Ball of Suet was Yang Guifei. She did not die at the foot of Mawei slope, but was rescued. Then Across the ocean, I went to another country."

The other party still smiled and said nothing, "Don't you think this analysis is interesting? Concubine Yang is very beautiful, and so is Suif Ball. , Yang Guifei is very fat, and Suet Ball is not slim either."

The other party may have been really speechless, or he may have said casually, "You said Yang Guifei, I remembered a song. A not too serious poem, soft and warm, freshly peeled chicken head, lubricated and stuffed with crispy meat."

Maybe he felt that it was very inappropriate to say this in front of a sixteen-year-old girl, so he coughed lightly to demonstrate his embarrassment. , but how could I understand it at the time? I only knew what he said, "Ruaa, Suaa." It sounded like he was describing some kind of Jiangnan snack. I said: "It's delicious."

Please my readers do not doubt my level of ignorance back then, I did indeed say that.

He was silent for a long time and said slowly: "Don't say anything delicious in the future, or you will get bullied."

I don't know what bullying he is talking about, but I checked the information carefully at night.

Only then did I realize how unorthodox the "irregularity" he meant was.

? At that time, I was working in Nanjing. The place I worked at was a small massage parlor opened by a local in Nanjing. I found a job myself.

I am the youngest technician in the store. Some customers come for massage, and their children call me sister.

But other female colleagues will be called aunties.

My eyes were not good when I was born. I have always had amblyopia when I was a child. My parents put me in an ordinary elementary school until I graduated from elementary school, and then sent me to a school for the blind.

When I was fourteen years old, I went to a technical secondary school to learn massage. The teacher said, "If you enroll in a technical secondary school so early, your diploma will not be issued to you until you are eighteen."

I said, "Never mind it, let's talk about it first."

So when I left school at the age of sixteen, many of my peers had not even entered technical secondary school classes.

? When I went to work in Nanjing, I brought a big suitcase with a lot of clothes and shoes in it. I still remember the crowding and noise of Nanjing South Railway Station, the senior people and staff of Nanjing Metro of friendliness.

I told the boss: "Uncle, I want to eat roasted chestnuts with sugar."

Our boss said: "They can't sell them around here."

I said: "Can you please pay attention to it for me?"

The boss said: "No problem, my nose is very good. I will take you to buy it when I smell it."

I smiled with satisfaction and thought this boss was easy to talk to.

? I was very tired in Nanjing, because every day there would be at least five or more clients assigned to me for massage. My highest record was fourteen massages in one day.

At that time, I was wearing a white coat with a waisted waist, and I had a massage towel for massage and a gua sha board for gua sha in my pocket. When I met the doctors who came for massage, I would say to them: "We are also colleagues. .

”

? The massage parlor is located next to the military area, and some very strenuous and strenuous soldiers and uncles often come to do massage. I deceive them with sweet words: “If you use a lot of force to massage, it will damage the subcutaneous tissue.” Yes, so, for the sake of your health, I won’t give you any strength. ”

I will also encounter sexually harassing customers. They will take the opportunity to touch your calves during your massage, and then use words to tease you.

I met such a person, he He asked me to go to a single room to give him a massage, and then started to verbally harass me. I was a little scared, and then I wanted to run away. The man grabbed my hand and stuffed a brand-new 100-yuan note into my chest along the collar. At that time, I was Annoyed by his action, I shook him off vigorously and pulled out the 100-yuan torn piece from my chest. I shouted at the top of my lungs: "Boss, boss lady, come here quickly, there are gangsters here." "

He came over and covered my mouth. I took the opportunity to run out. The boss heard the sound and rushed over. The customer said: "This little girl is uneducated and disrespects the customers. ”

I said: “Do you deserve my respect for you?” ”

I ran to the corridor and squatted crying. I was so wronged.

The boss’s wife came over and said that I shouldn’t offend this person. After all, he was a long-term customer. Ka, I raised my face and asked her: "How old is your daughter? ”

The landlady didn’t say anything. I said, “Sister Ma, I’ll call you Sister Ma. Logically speaking, you are older than my mother, so I have to call you Auntie. I was bullied just now, you know.” ? You have no right to blame me. If you want to blame, just blame that old man who wanted to take advantage of me. ”

She didn’t say a word, and my heart dropped to the bottom of my heart. I understood a truth. In the face of reality and interests, everyone is just a transaction.

The next day, Sister Ma came over to talk to me. I apologized, and the boss also came to make peace with me. I said: "I don't blame Sister Ma, I just think that person is not worth the trouble for us to give him massage. We have learned regular massage, and I have a regular massage therapist." , what he wants is obviously the kind of informal massage. Anyway, I won't pay attention to him next time he comes. You can look for whoever you want. It doesn't matter if you dismiss me, then just treat it as if we have no chance. ”

? I like to go to the small supermarket next door when I get off work to buy canned coffee in the incubator. It’s warm and comfortable to hold in my hand.

Me There is a long-term customer, a brother who is in graduate school. He has severe cervical spondylosis. He comes to see me every time he comes because we can put our mobile phones under the massage bed and watch "Tonight's Post-80s Talk Show" while doing massage. At that time, Li Dan was not that popular, and he was just Dandan in Wang Zijian's mouth. At that time, a joke could make me laugh for a long time.

Every time my brother came over, he would bring me small gifts, such as a box of overseas. chocolate, a small souvenir from the scenic spot. He asked me why I started working at such a young age, but I couldn’t answer.

Before going to bed, I like to touch the calluses on my fingers and then pick them hard. I picked until I shed my skin before I was willing to go to sleep.

The first month’s salary was paid. I remember it was more than 3,700. I bought a coat after I got the salary, which was more than 400. , I feel proud to wear it.

? Even if I can make money, I am not happy. This unhappiness is obvious and cannot be avoided.

I tell myself, I want to. Becoming stronger.

At the end of 2014, I started to search for information about the school on the Internet. I wanted to continue studying, although I didn’t know why my idea was so strong at the time.

Maybe it was because of that dirty poem?

But I didn’t want to admit it.

I told my boss that I was resigning abruptly and decisively.

The boss said: "You girl, why are you so disobedient and don't say hello to me in advance? "

I said: "I also suddenly remembered that I should resign. ”

He scolded me angrily: “If you do this, I will have to stop paying you.” What should I do if I leave so suddenly and the store suddenly becomes busy? If one person leaves, the opportunity to make money is lost.

”

I said, “You don’t know how to invite people?” ”

He said: “You said it’s simple, do you mean you can find someone by just one, two or three?” ”

I said: “Okay, don’t give me a salary, just a few thousand yuan, I respect you.” ”

The boss was yelling at me behind my back. I didn’t hear what he was saying, but it was all unpleasant words.

? I am not a good kid, and I have never been.

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I called my dad to pick me up in Nanjing. My requests were always sudden and arbitrary. He said he didn't have time, but my aunt would pass by when she went home at the end of the year and asked me to go back with her.

It was still early in the morning when my aunt came, and I jumped downstairs with a big box. The boss also came out and seemed to be seeing me off. I said, "Goodbye, uncle." ”

I turned around and was about to leave, but the boss said, “Girl, you don’t want your salary?” ”

I said: “Didn’t you say you wouldn’t give it to me?” ”

The boss smiled, touched my head and said, “How can I really deny it to you?” "

I took my salary and whispered "Thank you". I was not sad at all, I just felt it was a pity because I had not eaten roasted chestnuts until I left this place.

? In March 2015, I went to school again.

I really admire my courage to go to high school directly without any junior high school foundation, because if I go to junior high school, I have to start from the first grade of junior high school. When I started studying, I didn’t have so much time to waste.

In fact, I was not happy during those years.

I was a transfer student from abroad, and because I had a student status before, I could only study. I'm a loan student.

I'm not very good at studying, and everyone is more or less reluctant to make friends with me.

I feel like I'm talking about trigonometric functions on the podium. Listening to the Bible, the English teacher said grammatical clauses, but I didn’t understand anything.

Fortunately, I had a dream. At that time, I wanted to study music. I wanted to take the college entrance examination and go directly to art.

Listen. What should I do if I don’t understand the class?

I have no choice but to ask a teacher to make up lessons during the holidays.

God knows how I managed to finish three years of junior high school English and mathematics in two months. Is it in my head?

Maybe it’s obsession?

Many people think it’s impossible for me to get into college, and I think so too, but there’s so much in my body. Maybe it was everyone’s denial that gave me motivation.

In my second year of high school, I successfully obtained my technical secondary school diploma, and then I took the exam without thinking about anything.

I failed the exam in the first year and was very depressed for a while. Later I figured out that since I was still young, I would take the exam again.

Fortunately, I passed the exam in the second year. I passed the exam in the second year, and my hard work paid off.

My life is a game, and I have no regrets.

When I came to the university, I found that this was another world. Everyone is busy and has their own things to do.

I am lonely, but I have learned to enjoy loneliness.

There is no shortage of outstanding talents in the university, so I am so transparent. Xianyu has always been a transparent person in school.

I like to walk on the road alone, but occasionally I long for company.

I know that we are a group. I will be more or less ostracized and discriminated against, but I didn’t know that indifference would spread so long, but it doesn’t matter, I’m not the kind of person who lives in the eyes of others.

Once, the school teamed up with the next door. A well-known university conducted a diversified employment training for the blind. It was about voice training. If you are good, you can go directly to a well-known domestic audio APP to record and make money. I signed up excitedly, but we were later informed that it could only be local. Only students can go.

I have been very sensitive to voices since I was a child and love to learn how characters in TV series speak.

I also thought about becoming a voice actor or a radio anchor. There have been many competitions in this area.

During that time, my whole mentality became a little distorted. My undergraduate major was closely related to performance. At that time, there was a class called stage performance, because our class was with discerning people. It is a form of inclusive education for people with disabilities, but the teacher does not seem to notice people with disabilities.

Two students with low vision in the class came on stage to learn stage movements and performances with the teacher. I also wanted to get up, but the teacher stopped me:

"Invisible classmates Just listen to the class below, and come up later when there are language performance rehearsals."

God knows how excited I was before I walked into the concert hall and waited for the stage performance class, and God knows how excited I was when I heard the teacher say this again. How disappointed I felt after those words.

I didn’t cry when I was isolated by my classmates in high school. I didn’t cry when my classmates crowded around me. I didn’t cry when I failed the college entrance examination. I didn’t cry when I fell and fell while walking alone on the road in the ice and snow. I didn’t cry when my palms were broken and bleeding. Crying, those words from the stage performance class teacher made me cry.

Because I have expectations for this class, because I have hope in my heart, because I like it, because I want to learn, I am sad.

I sat in the back row of the concert hall, my head lowered, and tears fell on the back of my hands one by one.

? Later, I went to Beijing to study dubbing at my own expense. The core of dubbing is performance, so the first few days of the course were taught by an actor teacher. The teacher was very handsome. He was the star of the recent online drama "Crossfire" The actor who plays the role of Monkey.

The teacher is very gentle and patient. He starts with the basics of lines, then the stage and lines, and then the stage and performance.

Among the many students, I am the special one, but everyone is very kind to me. They will hold me when I go out, and everyone will tell me when the teacher changes his movements or signals.

The teacher asked me to do some simple movements. I swayed from side to side according to his prompts. I knew that I must look ugly, so what?

He said: "Yes, very good, that's it."

We will do some guided basic training to liberate our nature, such as scene simulation, such as non-physical performances, such as everyone Write a story together to connect them together.

I can't write on paper, so I can only turn on the screen of my mobile phone to be permanent and then write the plot of my story in a memo and circulate it to everyone.

You see, how amazing it is that there are always some difficulties that are not difficulties at all.

There is no gap between you and me from beginning to end, it’s just that your barrier is too thick.

On the first day of class, the acting teacher bought Simbach coffee for the whole class. The coffee felt warm in his hand and reached the bottom of his heart.

Finally, when we went to him to sign his name, we asked him to write a blessing. He said his handwriting was ugly, so he simply wrote a few words: "I wish you happiness."

How could I be unhappy?

Thank you.

? Later, Teacher Li Manchao from the Central People's Broadcasting Station came to give us audio lectures. Although Teacher Li Manchao was born in the 1980s, his voice occupied most of my childhood.

I remember we were taking classes in a crowded recording studio. He brought hot sauce with him and waited to go back to the hotel to dip his lamb chops in the evening. His voice was always so warm and clear, like the afternoon sun shining on it. On the body.

He said: "Telling stories must be natural and true, and make audio where there are no words."

Teacher Manchao can talk for four hours non-stop, but I can't Feeling boring.

When he is in class, he is always used to telling everyone a difficult-to-understand truth in a simple sentence that is most life-like. In Teacher Manchao’s mouth, it seems that there is nothing that cannot be accomplished. If you can't finish it, then you haven't tried hard enough.

He is not only a good teacher, but also a good joker. He teaches in a funny way and his words are full of jokes.

When he talks about some relatively abstract knowledge points, he will stand up, act out, and then think of some easy-to-understand words to say to us, so that we can understand and digest.

? Teacher Zhang Limin teaches film and television dubbing. Teacher Limin was previously a dubbing actor at Changchun Film Translation Studio.

She has dubbed many translated films and animations and is a very approachable teacher.

A dozen of us students sat in the recording studio and listened to her lecture, and it felt like we could all be brought into the world in the script by her.

? I am not a person full of positive energy, nor am I an inspirational person. Adjectives such as physically disabled and mentally strong have nothing to do with me. I am just an ordinary girl. There are many little beasts in my heart, but that trip to Beijing allowed my entire soul to be cleansed from the inside out.

Many times, your stage is built by yourself rather than someone else pulling you up.

From 2014 to 2020, during the six years that I played with myself, I felt sad, helpless, denied, and isolated, but I never thought about giving up.

In my mind, I have the night in Nanjing, the morning in Beijing, the cold winter in Northeast China, and the noon in Huizhou. I am still young, and my body can still hold many dreams and places I have never been to. I can sing to you the bitterness and sweetness of life, and tell you the warmth and coldness in stories. As long as I live, nothing is unknown.

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The female classmate next to me helped me wipe my tears, but I cried more and more wildly. I was not sad, really, I cried with joy.

? I am now doing the job I love every day, and every day is very fulfilling. Although I feel tired occasionally, my heart is very sweet.

I don’t want to leave a few indifferent words at the end. I just want to say something serious to my dear readers:

Thank you for reading my story. Thank you for reading. After all the efforts and persistence of Xiao Wang over the past six years, thank you!

Finally, I want to sincerely wish you happiness. If happiness is difficult for you, then I wish you peace.