I've been under a lot of pressure recently, and there are some funny jokes.

An unfamiliar colleague chatted with me, and the content of the chat was extremely boring, telling what happened to him and his girlfriend.

What happened? I am speechless.

He talked for a long time and looked at me, which may mean that he said so much, so I have to make a statement.

For a moment, I really didn't know what to say. I blurted out and asked, "Is your girlfriend a woman?" ……

The teacher handed out papers, and the girl at the back took an extra one and shouted, "Teacher, I have it, I have it!" " As a result, the boy sitting next to him said, "It's mine, it's mine! " " ……

Once I went to buy breakfast and found that my usually unsmiling boss was also waiting in line. I was very nervous. After greeting, I said to the chef, "Master, please give me a steamed stuffed bun and two breasts!" " "... for the first time in two years, I heard the boss laugh so loudly.

I went to buy watermelon that day, and I heard someone ask the melon seller: Does your watermelon have skin?

The political teacher once said in a lecture, "Let me give you an example." Then he felt wrong and said, "give me an example."

My classmates explained to me how to make an inquiry call. I wanted to ask if it was a real person or a voice who answered the phone over there. I said, "Is it a living person or a dead person who answered the phone?"

In my junior year, my classmates went to work in a shopping mall selling fish. The guest took the selected fish, and my classmate gently pointed to the fish killing platform and said to him, "If you go, someone will kill you." ……

The teacher told us: "go on road trip should be honest in spring and don't always throw his head and arms out." ……

I wanted to drink soda that day, so I quickly went to the cold drink stand and said a bottle of soda. Unexpectedly, I saw the beer in front of me and said in a hurry, "Boss, a bottle of fart water!" " " ………

One of our colleagues, when going to take the driver's license test, said a classic sentence to the examiner: report to the meter, the examiner is normal! ……

MM told me about KFC's new "flesh and blood" and asked me to take her to eat. In those days, Beijing was extremely hot and I was in a daze. When I arrived at the restaurant, I said to the smiling KFC lady, "Please give me two copies of' flesh and blood', thank you!" ……

At a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy!

Tigers don't send cats, you think I'm dying!

When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was very chaotic. In a rage, the teacher picked up XXX and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! The whole class is cold!

Me: "That's our physics teacher ..."

Classmate: "What do you teach?"

Me: "Chemistry ..."

One person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then brought out a cold sentence: "Too much urine and too much wine."

Junior high school art evening, grab the answer link.

Hostess: "Attention, everyone, don't grab it too fast." When I'm finished, I'll start raising my hand! "Then I started reading the topic and said," Now open it ... "

At this time, a player scrambled to answer.

The host said: "This classmate is a little too anxious. I "start" (shit) is still in my mouth, how can you rob ... "

One day when I was at school, a phone call came to me. My classmate answered, handed it to me and said, "Your mother wants you."

As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said, "A man and a woman."

Everyone laughed wildly. I was laughed at for four years. ...

A classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant, shook his head and said, "Boss, no onion rice noodles!" " "Say that finish, I added:" More rice noodles! "

Boss: "... do you want rice noodles or onions?"

Once my classmate's mother called, I used to say "he's not here". This time I want to say "he's out". The result is: "He's gone ..."

The president of our university used to teach us calligraphy. When talking about his own experience, he talked about wearing red in the animal year. He said, "I didn't wear anything that year." As a result, the whole class laughed wildly.

Another one, when we were in junior high school, we rang the bell after class. Once, just after class, the bell rang and the teacher was still there. Suddenly, a boy who was sleeping in class suddenly bounced up from his seat and screamed, "Mom! Get up and cook! I should go to class! " ……

School uniforms are required in high schools. We boys sometimes only wear school uniforms. Once we got together, the students were all dressed untidy in school uniforms. The class teacher was furious: "Everyone who didn't wear pants stood up for me!" " ……

The university went to the factory for metalworking practice, and the master said, "For safety, we try our best to ensure that a male classmate and a female classmate have a bed." . At that time, all the boys burst into laughter and the girls blushed. During my internship, almost all lathe workers were done by girls who shared my bed. Finally, considering that she can't do anything, the master didn't check it well, so I advised her to practice. Who knows, she said, I'm used to letting you do it. At that time, I occasionally suddenly felt cold.

A friend went to the dumpling shop and asked, "How much is a bowl of jiaozi (for sleeping)?" Just listen to the waitress "bah!" He cried and said, "shameless!" ……

During the self-study class, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM, "I just finished reciting the words, help me write them down." MM doesn't want to be silent, GG asks her, you (touch) me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it anymore and shouted, "Teacher, I don't want to (touch) him. He insisted that I (touch) him." ...

One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call uncle, but he made a mistake and said, "Dad, come and sit down!" " "

My colleague had a quarrel with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating.

In computer class, a classmate had a problem with the machine and shouted, "Boss, change the machine!" " "The whole class is stupefied.

When I went to Li Ning with my sister to buy shoes, my sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

Even in high school, I went home with MM after school. At the school gate, I saw a barbecue seller. MM said she wanted to eat beef offal. Because there are many seniors on the grill, I am afraid that the boss can't hear me, so I shouted, "Boss, five strings of bullwhip!" " "Then there was silence. After three seconds, everyone laughed together. I was very embarrassed ... the most embarrassing thing was that MM then asked me, "What is a bullwhip?" I have to answer MM very, very quietly: "A bullwhip is a cow's tail. "

On the factory bus to work, MM asked me, "My computer is dying." I said, "Then go back and check the virus, and remember to upgrade the antivirus software."

The next morning, I saw MM on the bus again. I asked casually, "Have you checked? How come? " Then MM said loudly, "I'm so angry. I checked for a long time and said it was not poisonous. " . What did you say?/Sorry? "At that time, it was very cold ... now I remember it very clearly.

Someone went to my aunt's house before, and they just came in. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" " "

During the military training in the university, the instructor shouted "aim at your side light!" " "One of my classmates whispered to me," Only his bladder grows on his face. "

Our unit has a car to go to work in the morning, because the car is not big. Once, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " "I laughed to get off!

When a student of the physical education department was in the internship class, many teachers were listening to the class. He's too nervous. When he finally wanted to disband the team, his mind went blank and he said, "Attention, attention! Flash! ! "

I met a girl who I had been longing for for for a long time and came out of the bathhouse. I wanted to be close. For a long time, I said, "Are there many men in your bath?"

A teacher played mahjong all night and saw that the blackboard had not been wiped. He was furious: "Who is the farmer today?" Don't clean the blackboard! "

I just bought a house and called a buddy excitedly: "I bought a house, but it was only a dime (I forgot to say" blank "). It has to be redecorated. " The buddy said, "Is there only one toilet? Then where do you live? "

The three most popular words during the Iraq war: peace, war and discovery. Connect these three English words and read them aloud for three times, and you will uncover a major historical mystery. (I farted)

My friend's child is half a year old, so I called to care. After a few commonplaces, he said, "Does your child eat human milk or yours now?" ……

When I bought rice in the canteen and saw the long-awaited tofu skin, I excitedly said to the waiter, "A potato skin!" " "... shocked the people around you.

That's a good donkey. Like the heart, the heart and the lungs. ...

Last time I went to McDonald's, I said to the salesman, "A bag of potato chips!" " They said no. I said, "What store?" ... not even chips? ! "Say that finish turned and left. ...

In the political class, I talked about the political problems between China and Japan, and talked about the Japanese samurai committing suicide by caesarean section. The teacher said, "Japanese samurai all died by caesarean section!" " " ……

Once I called a customer named Wang, and the switchboard was answered by a MM in a sweet voice. She told me his extension number. I didn't know if the king I was looking for was a man or a woman, so I asked by the way, "Is he a man or a woman?" ……

When I was in college, one of my classmates just bought a mobile phone and got a mobile card. Call 1860 to ask about it. At that time, he was excited: "Excuse me, your mobile phone service …" From the hands-free phone, we even heard the telephone operator politely say: "Our mobile phone service …" The whole dormitory burst into laughter!

Yesterday, someone said that they would introduce me to a girlfriend. I want to ask, "Is it beautiful?" The result said, "Is it cheap?" . Sweat to death ...

Senior college student, late for educational psychology ... walked into the classroom and glanced at the blackboard. The old professor was angry and asked the teacher elder sister to answer the questions on the blackboard. Senior sister prevaricated for a long time, saying "sexy and sexual theory", which is too difficult to talk about. "The whole class is messed up. The original title of the professor is: on reason and perception. ...

I heard from my classmates that once a girl in their dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins and told her boss that she had a pack of sanitary napkins. The boss actually asked: Do you want three delicacies or spicy food? Then the classmate paused and said, Sam Hsien, I'm afraid I can't stand spicy food. ...

One of my classmates has been reviewing the computer level 3 exam. One day, while playing football, another classmate took the ball to the bottom line and only heard him shout: Enter! Get back in the car! (in the middle)

When I was in college, I heard a girl order: Master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour potato shreds, not potatoes!

When I was in college, a teacher gave a lecture and talked about a new material, saying, "The sexual function of this material is incomparable with that of the old material ... Oh, no, the performance and function ..."

One day, I ate slowly and hungry at the rice noodle shop, and finally I couldn't help but slap the table and growl. I was going to say that if I didn't go to the rice noodle shop, I would lift the table! The result said, "Boss! ! ! ! I'll eat the table without rice noodles! ! ! ! "The whole store was silent for three seconds, and then laughter broke out under the table ... shame. ...

When my parents quarreled, my father said angrily, "I want to go out!" " "

Once I went to buy mutton kebabs, I stretched out four fingers and said "three mutton kebabs" to my boss. The boss was asked, "How many?" I held out three more fingers and said "four" ...

Our general manager is surnamed Zhou. I was driving as soon as he called. When I get nervous, I say, "Premier Zhou ..."

Once I booked a hotel for my boss and wanted to ask if there were any services such as free internet access, but I couldn't figure out how to say it, so I asked the other party, "Do you have any special services here?" The other party said, "What? Special service We are a regular hotel! "

Waiting in line in the canteen, I heard a boy next to me say, "Master, a bowl of bullet cauliflower soup!" " ! "(Porphyra and egg soup).

A colleague asked me yesterday. How to write festivals? I replied: add a festival section under the grass prefix and remove the grass prefix! All the staff burst into laughter! I haven't replied yet. ...

The physics teacher said, "It's a thick spring. I pushed it from both ends to see if it was thickened (constipation). "

Boss, do you have a toilet paper hunger card?

One of our colleagues is on a business trip, so the dealer invited us to dinner. If you want to pee while eating, the dealer said there is a bathroom opposite. If you go, you can tell the door that we are eating across the street, so it's free. In order to save twenty cents, our colleague went straight ahead and confidently said to the toilet administrator, "I'm here for dinner!" " "

I'm from the logistics department. After the new year, customers call to ask when the goods will arrive before the festival. Because the holidays were so chaotic these days, I couldn't figure out the contents of the order, so I asked, "What are you?"

When I was in high school, I went out to work during the holidays and wanted to find a job as a restaurant waiter. I am very nervous, because I am still a child, and this is my first job. I want to ask the manager if he needs a job, but I want to say that it will be more subtle to ask him if he needs manpower. The result said, "Manager, do you need a beater here?" ……

Once I went to the market to buy food and prepare a dinner party. A Korean friend bought lettuce 2.4 yuan. He gave all his change to the peddler, and he was still short of a dime, so he said to the peddler, "I gave you all my hair, so I have no hair." The peddler was speechless for a long time and replied, "I don't want your hair."

Managers usually say to smokers at meetings: smokers are strangled! !

I met my colleague in the bathroom at noon, and suddenly I didn't know what word to say hello to. The tie asked, "Have you eaten?" After asking, I was annoyed and embarrassed. The colleague replied, "Yes, and you?" ……

Colleagues asked about the exchange rate between RMB and Japanese yen, and he said, how do apes exchange with Japanese yen?

After the impassioned speech of the trade union chairman, the last sentence reached a climax: Comrades, let's do our work better this year than next year! The whole audience fell.

Go to the cinema to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 3. There is a trailer for Transformers before the movie starts. I can't remember Megatron when I see the fanatic leader, and I can't remember that his team is called Decepticons. Because I was so excited, I was a little exclaimed, "How handsome! It's eight days in the south! " What's terrible is that it was suddenly very quiet at that time without any movie sound effects, and many people stared at me and laughed ... what a pity!

Having dinner with a group of friends, one of them was probably betrayed by his brother. He was very depressed, drank a lot of beer, then blushed and stood up and shouted, "Brother! Not for sale! ! "I think I'm trying to say," Brothers are not for sale. " ...

I'm so tired, I'm exhausted from eating shit. ...

No sooner had my colleague started eating than the phone rang. She said, I'm Kao Hua, and I'll come to dinner as soon as I finish the phone call.

In my impression, the monitor of the primary school is extremely serious. A self-study class, the classroom was crowded with people. After several times of maintaining order, the monitor was finally fed up. He stood up, patted the table and shouted, whoever makes any more noise will break his mouth! ! ! ..... class be quiet.

Drink with leaders and others, raise your glass and say loudly, "Let's die together!" My brain is too hot. ...

My classmate Yu Jingbo wrote a letter one day, and the dormitory doorman shouted at the entrance of the dormitory: "The letter of dried cold rice noodles!"

A buddy gets married and gives a red envelope. Dude, say no politely. I said, that won't do. Once a year, you must take it. ...

When I went to buy cakes, I wanted to say "two yellow pears send an egg tower", but the result was "two orioles sing an egg tower". What is even more depressing is that the owner actually understands. ...

In college, there was a girl named Liu Yun in our class. Once, a classmate from another class sent her a letter. The word "Yun" in the lower part of the word "Yun" on the envelope has a horizontal line, which has become a dot because it is too scribbled. As a result, this classmate took the letter and let out a cry, "Liu Mang, who is Liu Mang? There is a letter for you. " All the people in the corridor ran out to see Liu Mang. As a result, this girl named Liu Yun was scolded as a hooligan for four years.

There were mice at home for a while, and my mother bought rat poison to keep the family quiet, but there was no medicine to pour out any mice. One morning, my mother got up and looked at the rat poison at the door corner and said to herself, "Why doesn't anyone take this medicine?" The whole family fainted. ...

Once playing mahjong on a hot day, the power suddenly went out, so I had to buy candles to continue playing. After half an hour, the heat was unbearable. One man said, "Let's turn on the electric fan. It's too hot." Another man said, "You can't open it. If you open it, you will blow out the candle. "

In physics class, the teacher talked about radioactive elements and said, "Radioactive elements are very dangerous. You humans must stay away from them!" " ! "

After going back to the dormitory after the evening self-study, Lu Yu followed her all day, always wanting to strike up a conversation, but she didn't have the courage to go forward. Until the fairy mm wanted to walk into the girls' building, she gritted her teeth and stepped forward and asked mm loudly, "Classmate, are you a woman?" Later ... later, I enjoyed the white eyes of the fairy mm for two years.

When I was a child, my father watched me write a composition. There is a simple mistake in writing. The father smiled and said to his mother, "I find your son very stupid." I was in a hurry and said loudly to my father, "Your son is so stupid!"

The director of our senior three office once again angrily scolded us for not listening to the class and said, "Don't blame me for turning against you in the future!" "

My surname is Zhu, the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" I was yelling at that guy.