Zhao Le salt in hospital bed: blindness, pain and friendship

Zhao Le Salt lived again.

With the help of Lao Zhao and Xu, she sat up with difficulty. The hospital bed was half-rolled, with three pillows at the back. Zhao Le slowly drank half a bowl of salty porridge, which was the first time for her to eat by herself in a week. She also talked with visiting friends. The voice is hoarse, interrupted by coughing from time to time, and the pronunciation of some words cannot be said. Hip and thigh bones still hurt badly. Every four or five hours, she urged Lao Xu to ask the nurse if she could give her another dose of painkillers.

The nurse basically agreed to her request.

Six nights ago, she had a seizure, fell from her hospital bed and fell into a shallow coma. The hospital issued a critical notice. The cause of epilepsy is that the brain tumor continues to grow and oppresses the nerves.

The day after the attack, I went to see Le Yan. She has five or six tubes inserted in her body. The pain, cough and discomfort of intubation made her toss about in the hospital bed like a fish on the chopping block. I held her hand and said in her ear, Le Yan, it's me, the "bad guy from Jiaotong University" is coming.

Her hand clenched a little and her facial muscles twitched. She might want to make a smile.

On the sixth floor of the first ward of Ruijin Hospital, it was raining cats and dogs outside the window.

Zhao Le Salt has a WeChat support group. After the news of critical illness spread in the group, almost all friends from Shanghai came-Wang Dali, a middle school classmate of Zhao Le Salt; Aadilah, a senior in college; Jiang Mumu, the editor of the publishing house, had planned to publish a book for Le Yan. Le Yan guitar teacher Ge Niuda; There are still a few I can't name. Everyone gathered around. When other patients and their families passed by, they all looked here curiously.

A religious friend, unable to live abroad, sent a prayer in the group:

Holy Father

Please pay attention to Zhao Le salt.

Although she doesn't know you yet.

There are still many people who don't know you.

But believe it or not,

Whether you are recognized or not, you still exist.

Please choose the most suitable doctor.

Please deliver the medicine to the patient.

Please heal your sister with great strength.

In my sister's illness

When life is at stake.

Please protect us with great power.

Let drugs control cancer cells

But don't continue to hurt her body. ...

……

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"Nong elder sister is very hot? Allah took off the quilt. " "I'll call Dr Ni for you. Dr. Ni is a good man. " Lao Zhao has always been with Le Yan, and Shanghainese call her daughter "Sister". Lao Zhao hasn't slept for two days and a night-Le Yan wants to vomit, so he quickly sends the napkin to his mouth, but he has no strength, and can only spit out a little white foam like a hairy crab; The cotton swab was wet with water, and her chapped lips were wet; Le Yan's leg hurts, and Lao Zhao and Lao Xu take turns to massage her; Out of instinctive discomfort, she waved her arms from time to time in an attempt to tear off the oxygen tube inserted in her nose. Lao Zhao gently shook her hand. "Sister, the pipe is not easy to pull out."

In my opinion, Lao Zhao speaks very gently today. In the past, because of his bad temper, Le Yan never protested less. Lao Zhao wiped Le Yan's hot face. When he turned around, the eyes of the 63-year-old man were red.

Less than two months after her daughter's tumor recurred, Lao Zhao's weight dropped from 120 kg to less than 100.

The doctor asked Lao Zhao if he wanted to be rescued. Lao Zhao is in a dilemma. It's not that he doesn't know the cruelty of rescue-tracheotomy, ventilator insertion and artificial cardiopulmonary resuscitation. "You have to break a few ribs to eat." Besides, even if it is saved this time, what will happen in the future? The image shows that the tumor once again attacked the city in the lungs, brain and bones, and the drugs were basically uncontrollable. However, "Yi Shang is young", Lao Zhao is not reconciled. Subconsciously, he still expects miracles.

Lao Zhao is a man who has seen miracles. A year and a half ago, the tumor metastasized to Le Yan's bone and brain, and the doctor gently suggested giving up the treatment. Lao Zhao refused. After finding the matching targeted drugs, Le Yan's health improved day by day, and she was able to eat, get out of bed and walk, and still had the strength to quarrel with Lao Zhao. This more than a year was robbed by Lao Zhao.

Lao Zhao's mantra is, what can I do? what can I do? I am young and want to cry. In order to strive for better treatment conditions, he cursed the doctor's entrance, smashed the water glass, and even lost his smiling face and begged. More often, it is a problem. This time, many hospitals refused to accept it because the condition was too dangerous. Ruijin is an old friend and arranged a bed for Le Yan. what can I do? Lao Zhao rubbed his hands. His eye socket is deep.

Finally, Lao Zhao signed to give up the rescue.

Zhao Le Sauter called me a "bad person" because I wrote an article about her.

One day in the second half of 20 18, a friend told me that she knew a sick girl. "Are you interested in writing about this?"

She roughly described the current situation of the girl-29-year-old, unmarried, with advanced lung cancer, blinded by gamma knife surgery, and currently relying on targeted drugs to maintain her life.

I sympathize with this girl, but sympathy is not the reason for writing. There are too many sufferings in the world, and the bodhisattva hangs his head and lowers his eyebrows. It was not until I heard that she learned guitar and piano after she became blind, the conflict and reconciliation between her parents, and that she ran away from home twice that I told my friends that I would write it.

Zhao Le Salt gave me a warm welcome. My first impression is that she is an optimistic and open-minded girl. She treats her friends sincerely, always smiles and speaks very fast-Zhao Le Salt has participated in debates before. You are handsome, she asked, touching my face. When she meets a new friend after blindness, she must first touch her face and imagine an image in her mind. I said, think like Daniel Wu. Later, I met her guitar teacher Ge and praised each other as soon as they met. One is Daniel Wu in Fengxian District, and the other is Edison Chen in Cao Yang Xincun. Zhao Leshao laughs cuttlefish disorderly fibrillation, you lie to me, she said, you can bully a blind man.

The interview went well. At that time, there was a non-fiction writing contest sponsored by Yan. I told Le Yan that we should take part in the competition together. You provide the materials and I'll write them. At that time, the bonus will be half of each person. She agreed excitedly.

I said, I still need to interview Lao Zhao. Zhao Leshao obviously hesitated.

My dad will talk nonsense.

I have been there many times, and Le Yan feels that I am not always on her side in the contradiction with my parents. She said angrily:

I will never 100% trust you again, and I will never tell you all my heart again.

In addition, a boy she once liked (who later came out to her) also graduated from Jiaotong University, and Yan concluded that "Jiaotong University is a bad person".

After thinking about it, he added, "Except Liu."

Liu, a good man from Jiaotong University, is a friend when he was teaching. After the second gamma knife operation, Zhao Le Salt fell into a severe coma. Liu Tongxue took a photo of Joyful Talk and applied for a charity fund-raising, which solved Lao Zhao's urgent need. Zhao Le Salt later asked me, Is the photo nice? During that time, she took a lot of hormone drugs and worried, "Is it fat?"

Leslie is here. The people in the ward made room, and Leslie held Le Yan's hand and gently stroked her forehead, calling her name.

Leslie is Zhao Le's sister who met during her graduation internship, and she is also one of her most important friends. After Le Yan became blind, he had quarreled with Lao Zhao and Lao Xu. She touched the railing of the stairs and ran away from home alone. There happened to be a meeting in a familiar hotel, and there were no vacancies. She sat on the sofa in the hotel and sent messages to her friends one by one, asking "Who can stay for one night". Zhang Lixian hurriedly ran over, with the consent of Lao Zhao, took Le Yan home and asked for leave to accompany her. Three days later, he escorted Le Yan home. Lao Zhao and Lao Xu welcomed their daughter's return, and they tacitly stopped talking about their previous quarrel.

I wrote in my article, "Zhao Le Salt won again". I feel that this girl has been losing, losing, losing to such a field, but she won here. Later, I deleted this sentence for fear that Le Yan would be unhappy.

Zhao Le Salt was very unhappy. After listening to the article, she cried in bed all day. She thinks the author is terrible. What she wrote is true, which makes her unable to refute, but the taste is obviously wrong and she can read the meaning of criticism. Lao Zhao seems to be great and has paid a lot for her, but because of her willfulness, it has added more trouble to Lao Zhao and Lao Xu. I am the one who is sick, and I am the most painful. Well, Zhao Le thought angrily. What is particularly disappointing is that she treated the author as a friend and said a lot from her heart, but the author didn't write her as "cute". She said that playing the piano is not a last wish, but falling in love is. She also fantasized in an interview that when the report came out, more people would know about her and maybe some boys would like her-now it's all over.

Lao Zhao called me and said that Le Yan was crying very sadly and asked me to persuade her. Lao Zhao sighed. This is the case in Iraq. I don't like hearing bad words. Look at it. Will you coax Iraq? ...

Finally, I advise you not to mention what he called-Le Yan is even more unhappy when he knows it.

I told Le Yan that I decided to withdraw my manuscript and quit the competition, and I wouldn't publish it anywhere, so this article was written in vain. Le Yan said, no, I am already very sad. Even if I retract the manuscript, I can't make up for the damage I have suffered. Besides, the bonus is gone, you bad guy.

During their stay in Leslie's house, Zhao Le Salt had a talk with Leslie. For example, Leslie said that she was allergic to laver, and her mother sometimes forgot to add laver to the soup. Le Yan is hoarse. How is that possible? Leslie said, why not? I just want to get rid of seaweed. The important thing is to solve the problem, not to spend time and energy correcting parents. Le Yan is very considerate. After a while, she said, what if I can't see laver?

Later, she called Leslie's solution "laver spirit".

I talked to Leslie. We were all born in the early 1980s, the generation after 1980s. When I was a child, no one was scolded, no one was beaten, and no one was rudely expected. Faced with the strength of parents, most people's reaction is to obey their grandchildren, not to report good news or worries, and to compromise. We are used to the world built by our elders and acquiesce that the world will not change.

Zhao Le's salt is different. She can express, fight and be positive. She believes in death, like a debater with conscience, and tries her best to defend even the values that are not established in the eyes of the world. She wants her parents to admit their mistakes-it's wrong to yell, it's wrong to keep promises, it's wrong to be cold and rude. She wouldn't let go. Conflicts broke out when parents refused to do what they said.

Zhao Le Salt is not a good girl in the traditional sense. Sensible, virtuous, gentle, respectful and thrifty make these words have nothing to do with her. She is a capitalized self. On the other hand, her stubbornness, truthfulness and intransigence, her willfulness, self-esteem and bad temper, and her pursuit of quality of life are all exuberant vitality.

Leslie and her friends came to see Le Yan that day. Le Yan can't talk, so they sit by the bed and chat with her. When talking about the "super expensive" spa in a hotel, Le Yan, who was tortured to death by illness, suddenly interrupted and said with difficulty, I want to go. Leslie almost cried. She told Le Yan that when you leave the hospital, my sister will take you there.

At the beginning of July, Zhao Le Salt began to cough, and his condition got worse every day. She can't stand upright, she can't lie flat, and she will feel a little relieved only when she lies on her side. From lying to sitting, from sitting to standing, every posture change will cause a sudden cough. She is so tired that she will be woken up after falling asleep for a few minutes. Because of coughing too much, urine seeps out and underwear gets wet. So she didn't want to hold her urine, and she struggled to go to the toilet when she felt a little urine.

It's about ten steps from the bed to the toilet, with a stop in the middle, coughing and squatting on the ground. I finally sat on the toilet and coughed with confidence. What she can do is to drink less water, which can reduce the side effects and adverse reactions of drugs, even if the doctor has repeatedly told her. She doesn't care. She works hard to win the last bit of dignity.

Severe cough may be related to drug resistance. The third-generation targeted drugs have been taken for a year and a half, and the effect is good, effectively inhibiting tumors. During that time, Zhao Le salt looked basically the same as ordinary people except that it was invisible and physically exhausted. Lao Zhao put a ski machine in the room, which was given by someone else, so that she could step on it and enhance her resistance. At the end of June, a CT report showed that lung tumors had a resurgence trend.

The doctor suggested chemotherapy. Chemotherapy can lead to hair loss, and Zhao Le Salt is worried about the black hair that grows back hard. After many times of communication, I finally chose to take a new targeted drug.

The new drug didn't produce the expected effect. Zhao Le's cough is uncontrollable. What's more, tumors in the brain and bones are also making a comeback.

People's endurance is elastic. In the past, Zhao Le thought invisibility was the greatest pain and the cruelest punishment in the world. Now she feels that if she can stop coughing and endure physical pain all the time, she would rather stay quietly in the dark.

In mid-July, Sansan died. Sansan is a stray dog, which was found by Le Yan and kept at home. Lao Xu especially likes to take Sansan to play mahjong. Listen, Wang! Want want! I probably ate something unclean, had diarrhea for a few days, and finally opened my paws. This is a blow to the salinization of Zhao Le, and even a psychological hint. She was relieved and stopped mentioning Lao Zhao and Lao Xu frequently in Weibo. In the eyes of her friends, the strong fighting spirit and vitality of the past have also disappeared. She held the puppy on the pillow, coughing and crying. Later, she wrote in Weibo that any dog wandering in the rain can make her cry loudly in her heart.

Non-fiction articles about her were published, and Zhao Le Salt listened carefully to every comment. Some people prayed for her, some praised her for being strong, and some criticized her for being inconsiderate of her parents. Some people say that it is not easy for her parents to raise her up to now. Zhao Le was very angry about salt. To this end, she made a big speech on Weibo. One sentence touched her for a long time: shed a tear for her with my eyes. Zhao Le Schom closed his eyes.

She finally forgave me. A few days ago, she told me by voice that she had read a lot of non-fiction works recently and had some understanding of this style. She paused and said, by contrast, your article is not bad.

At the end of July, the results of the game came out. On the 395th day after salt blindness, Zhao Le won the second prize, with a bonus of 20,000 yuan, leaving less than 1.8 million yuan after tax deduction. I took 9000 yuan and put it in a big red envelope to go to Le Yan's house. A kind sister read Le Yan's story, transferred a thousand dollars to me, and asked me to take Le Yan with me.

Le Yan rubbed a red envelope, narrowed his eyes and smiled brightly. Because of the cough, she spoke intermittently:

I'm very happy, really happy ... I accepted my sister's red envelope and thanked her for me ... I got your 9000 yuan back, really ... After all, you wrote the article, so I can't ask ... If I have a chance in the future, will you use this money to buy me coffee and listen to music?

I said, okay.

When I left, I gave the money to Lao Zhao.

I thought a kind of fairness was realized when I hugged: I can't see your face, and you can't see mine, unlike most other times, only I can't see it. -Zhao Le salt Weibo.

Zhao Leshao has been admitted to Ruijin Hospital again. When she was in good health, she insisted that Lao Zhao Lao Xu go home at night. This is not just out of consideration, she has always wanted to prove that she can do it alone. A person is in hospital, a person goes to the toilet, a person listens to a mobile phone, a person takes medicine, and a person sleeps. If you feel uncomfortable, ring the bell to call a nurse. Later, as his illness worsened, Lao Zhao began to accompany him.

Zhao Le Salt thanked Lao Zhao and Lao Xu at the Weibo for the first time. In her words, she called "people are in danger, words are in danger". Thank them for preparing foot washing water for her every day, soaping her when she can take a bath, wiping her body with a hot towel and putting on a clean T-shirt when she can't take a bath; Special thanks to Lao Zhao. In the past year, his temper has greatly improved, which is "commendable" The next day, Le Yan told me on WeChat, "I really can't brag." Because of a small matter, Lao Zhao gave her a few more words.

She still treats her friends sincerely. No matter how uncomfortable she is, she tries to keep her best when her friends come to see her. For a time, Lao Zhao stopped telling her who was coming late in advance and called it "a surprise for her" in Lao Zhao's words. Otherwise, in case a friend is late, late or stands me up, Le Yan will always wait.

In a sense, Le Yan seems to be more attached to his friends than to the world. The world hurts her again and again, and friends bring her a moment of comfort; Friends can't bear to let her down, and the world doesn't care. Heaven and earth are cruel, and it is right to treat everything as straw dogs. What's the point of torturing a soul or brain? What's the point of being tortured? Feeling, touching and witnessing the cruel truth of life is the perspective of onlookers. A person's pain, despair, struggle, extinction, in the final analysis, is only a faint flicker of nerve current signals. In the Korean drama Blue Love Between Life and Death, Sean said that she wanted to be a tree. Many seriously ill people wish they were a tree. Trees have no pain. Trees have dignity.

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Zhao Le, after eating salt porridge, indicated that she could roll down the bed, and her leg didn't hurt. Lao Zhao beat her, and Lao Xu went to clean up the dishes. I said to Le Yan, do you remember who came to see you before? Music talk, some people remember, some people don't remember. With apologies, she struggled to say, I'm really useless. After a while, I said with a little pride that my friends are very powerful and excellent people. I asked her if the bad guys at Jiaotong University counted. This time she can smile and say, forget it.

It's almost time to go. Let's say goodbye to Le Yan. She struggled to raise her hands, which meant a hug, and she could touch the way of goodbye. Zhao Le Salt closed his eyes and gave everyone two serious hugs. The second hug, she pushed hard for so long, and it took me a little effort to break free. She noticed, so she let go and turned away.

Yan is holding her friend with her puppy pillow beside her. Photo courtesy of the author.

Editor Zhou Yuhua of this issue