These funny phrases are not only dumbfounded after reading them.

Introduction: After dinner last night, my wife suddenly complained to me. Wife: "I really don't know how my flowers got stuck in your pile of cow dung." My IQ was suddenly anxious, and my son said, "If you were a flower, cows wouldn't shit." Shit, it's really mine.

1, I was so thirsty at noon that I went to the grocery store and bought a bottle of iced black tea. Half drunk and found it was fake. I already drank it, and I didn't say anything. Look at the bottle cap and have another bottle. Tell the boss at once that he won the lottery and send another bottle. The boss said quietly, look carefully. Let me see, fuck, buy another bottle. ...

2. It is said that smog and dust blow to Taiwan Province Province. Many old people took to the streets, spread out their hands, looked up at the sky at 45 degrees, burst into tears, took a deep breath and said excitedly, 60 years, 60 years, and finally smelled the soil in their hometown.

3. A friend went to buy home appliances and saw a weighing scale on the ground. This friend is fat and wants to try the scale when he sees it. So I immediately stepped on it, "Boom!" It turned out to be an induction cooker.

On this day, college students go to the canteen to cook rice. God, there are six cockroaches in the rice! Fat angrily came to the dining window and dropped the stainless steel lunch box on the windowsill-six cockroaches! In an instant, the noisy canteen quieted down and everyone stared at it. I saw the cook's face didn't change, but my heart didn't jump. He calmly pushed Fat's lunch box out and said, "How many times have I said, you have to collect seven cockroaches before you can change a bean paste bag!" "

5, chasing a girl in college, confessing several times, no result. Later, the girl texted me to go to the park on weekends, and I was so excited that I couldn't sleep well at night. Invited to the Yellow River Park on weekends. After walking for a while, the girl said, "I've always wanted to say something to you ..." I was so excited that I said, "Go ahead, I'm listening." Then she told me, "I have seen the Yellow River, too. Did you give up this time? " ! ! "

I just want to remind you that people who laugh on the bus should not panic. He may be reminding you that someone is stealing from you. All tears. A group of people have sent me home to take medicine. It's hard for a good man to do it! 、、

7. My brother in the upper bunk of my university dormitory once quarreled with his girlfriend. My brother is a perfectionist and always makes his girlfriend cry. This time, he was lying in the upper bunk crying and calling to apologize. I was playing computer, so I played an erhu version of My Desire as background music. The atmosphere is miserable, except that everyone in the room is sour ~ ~

8. The hunter hunted and saw two birds in the tree. He shot down a bird with a gun and found it hairless. Just wondering, another bird flew down and cursed the hunter: Damn it, I just coaxed her to take off her clothes, and you shot her down. ...

9. Father and son watched a costume drama together. The son asked, "Dad, why is the emperor called the son of heaven?" Dad perfunctory said: "He thinks he is the son of heaven, so he is called the son of heaven." The son suddenly nodded and said, "Then you are grandma's son. Why don't you yell,,,," Pa,,, "Get out!

10, a village chief drank too much, went home and hit the pigsty by mistake. He lay down beside the sow and said, Wife: Give me a glass of water. The sow snorted. The village chief said, if you don't fall, you won't fall. What are you sprinkling? Feel casually and say: buy leather clothes, or double-breasted ones.

1 1, once I played badminton with some friends, and a beautiful MM played doubles with me. The atmosphere is very pleasant and ambiguous. When the ball was scattered, MM said, "Give me your phone." I was dumbfounded and said, "I only have this mobile phone and I still need it." Then, no then. ...

12, one day, my brother said that he would introduce me to a beautiful girl, dressed up for an hour at home and met the MM, the ultimate beauty, Stephen Chow's upper body in a cafe, trying his best to make her sister happy. He is grateful for all my brother's things and wants to develop further. My brother doesn't understand the times, so he sat next to her and kissed her loudly in public and said, we all know each other, right, your sister-in-law?

13, there were too many people on the bus, and it was sultry. I don't know who farted, but the environment is getting worse. My friend can't stand it, and I don't know who it is. I can't help it It happened that the conductor was asking, "Who didn't buy a ticket?" My friend suddenly had a plan and said loudly, "Fart didn't buy a ticket!" " Suddenly, a particularly fat woman, holding the ticket high in her hand, said loudly, "I have bought the ticket!" "

14, I fell asleep, and my wife woke my husband. How about sleeping somewhere else? The husband agreed, and the wife crossed her husband's body and slept on the other side. Not long after, my wife said, honey, I want to sleep again. My husband went back to bed without saying anything. Five minutes later, I woke up again, and I have to change my position! Husband is angry: Are you bored? What are you tossing about? The wife is more angry than her husband, and roared: You TM Dayu managed water, and you didn't enter the house three times!

15, after getting up yesterday morning, I happily said to my wife: Wife, I had a dream that I found 200 yuan! The wife said: be careful today, the dream is reversed. Me: So you say I'm going to lose 200 yuan today? The wife hesitated for a moment and said, I confiscated the 200 yuan in your wallet so as not to lose it. This dream is so accurate!

16, when I was in college, the toilet was an old-fashioned pit row with no doors. One night, the toilet light was broken and I found a pit. When I squatted down, I held my hips in one hand and a deep voice sounded: Someone!

17, the old couple watched TV and suddenly broadcast the beauty contest live. When the old man saw it, he blushed and turned into the house. The old lady smiled: the old man is quite feudal. After a while, the old man came back and sat up straight with a pair of reading glasses on his face. ...

18. Today I went to Zhongguancun to repair my computer. While waiting, a man came in and said he wanted to buy a camera, so the boss gave him one. He poked fun at his boss with a camera, about 1 half a year old. He held the camera and asked the child to kiss him. He said otherwise, he would take his things and pretend to go outside. The boss thought it was a joke and didn't care. Then, the goods really took the camera and left.

19, Valentine's Day, I turned around and found the phone number of a girl I secretly loved in middle school, and sent her a short message: If there is only one bowl of porridge, you drink half first, and I will put the rest in my arms to keep you warm ... A few minutes later, she replied with a short message: Who introduced it? 400 at a time and 700 at night.

20. It is said that a buddy stood at the door of the plane when he boarded the plane for the first time, looking longingly at the fuselage ... The stewardess looked at him in surprise. This buddy went up and took a few shots of the fuselage, and said with emotion: "The Internet said that they often hit ... planes, and today they finally hit planes."

2 1, steamed buns at home for the first time, very happy. I took my own bun and said happily to my father, "Dad, how about trying my virgin bun!" "

22. Today, a buddy took me out for a ride on a motorcycle. On the way, I met a red light. I felt uncomfortable in the car wearing jeans, so I stepped on the ground with my foot. Unexpectedly, it suddenly turned green. The buddy jumped out as soon as he stepped on the gas pedal, leaving me alone in the middle of the "ma bu" or horse stance just look road.

23. When God closes a door, he may also clamp your head.

24. One day, Avatar and the Smurfs met in the toilet and accidentally saw each other's poop. They immediately clenched their hands and said in unison, "Brother, you are from Lan Xiang, too."

25. If time could go back, I would definitely spend my childhood with you: we played hide and seek, stole sweet potatoes, fished in the river, and beat grasshoppers ... Then I beat you, you cried, I would make you happy, play with you, and then beat you.

26. "I heard that you and your wife had a terrible argument last night. What is the result? " "She finally crawled towards me on all fours." "Really? What did she say to you? " "She said,' Get out from under the bed, you useless person!' "

27. After watching Guardians of the Galaxy with his wife, she began to coquetry: "Husband, Shu Ren is so cute, I like it very much!" I pampered her little nose, and then took her to the book mall to buy a complete set of Lu Xun's complete works.

28. Just registered in the hospital, a man cut in line. I asked him, "Why don't you wait in line?" He said: "Because there is no quality." I'm speechless.

I remember it was a cold night. My predecessor suggested eating mala Tang. I asked him carefully: "Do you want to learn online, sleep with me several times a night, and have a bowl of mala Tang?" He quickly denied that he would never do that. I looked at him with disdain and said, "I can't do it several times a night. Let's break up!" "

30. The fat girl rolled down the window and put her arm out of the car. The master cried, "Sister, it's too dangerous. Why do you want to put your hand out? " Fat girl: "I can save a person's space by sticking my arm out of the car!" " "

Editor's note: Elephants and mice go swimming. The mouse was rummaging through the clothes on the beach looking for its swimming trunks, while the elephant was already playing in the water. "Come up, come up!" Cried the mouse. The elephant stretched out its head in surprise and waddled to the mouse: "What did you call me up for?" "Hey ~, I just want to see if you are wearing my swimming trunks!"

I was shocked! Do you know what the ancients said when they got married?

Sister gets married, uncle writes articles, and uncle reads aloud. They are all old-school intellectuals, college students before liberation. They are catchy and particularly pleasant to read, and all the guests are stunned. I felt really tall at that time. The original text is as follows (to protect privacy, the new name is hidden):

How a person views justice and benefit, honor and disgrace, bitterness and happiness, gains and losses, whether it is fair, upright, upright, kind, open-minded, free and easy, friendly and sincere, can be seen at a glance from his attitude towards money. If a person doesn't care about money, he won't make a living day and night, he won't suffer from loss, he won't be corrupt, and he won't violate the law and discipline. Su Dongpo's detachment from money determines his detachment from life.

Only Park 20xx says X month X day, xx month X day of the lunar calendar, fools and others want to congratulate my dear nephew and daughter on their marriage.

Gavin

Yi Zheng Gankun and his wife are the beginning of human relations.

Zhao Zhou's marriage is the source of Wang Hua's poems.

Is based on

Feng Mingqiang and Bu Qichang died in five years.

After seven days and seven nights of crazy excavation, the treasures buried in the tomb of Dongqing, which was tightly sealed in the name of military exercises, were swept away and the whole country was in an uproar. The perpetrators are at large, and many national treasures are still missing, which is a great loss for the country and makes the people indignant!

Yao Tao's burning songs are a hundred years old.

Today, X Jun XX Shize Fang Yi is famous for his talent.

Ms. XX, a famous woman, Shu Yuan Xiuge Shu Ming.

Allow me to say that the combination of pearls and pearls is wonderful.

The fun of harmony between piano and musical instruments

It is reported that Clegg is the first person in the world to install this artificial heart that can make blood flow continuously in the body, and is also the first unconscious person in the world who has no pulse and heartbeat! It is said that thousands of patients, including Dick Cheney, the former vice president of the United States, have undergone similar heart-assisted surgery, but those blood-drawing devices are mainly used to help the heart that can still beat, and they are the first in the world to be applied to an unintentional person like Clegg who has no heart in his body. This is another creation in the history of medicine, said the president of the Texas Heart Institute.

The light of Zeng Laihong's case

The beauty of this phoenix instrument is that

So, in this beautiful scenery, I will sing with you.

Entering the bridal chamber, joy is filled with flowers and candles.

Before Wendi ascended the throne 14 winter, the army of the old Shang Khan rate140,000 entered Beidi County, occupied Chaona, Xiaoguan and Pengyang, burned the palace, and the vanguard troops arrived in Yongxian and Ganquan, only 200 miles away from Chang 'an, which directly threatened the ruling center of the Western Han Dynasty. Emperor Wen was rewarded, that is, Zhou Gu and Zhang Wu, the doctor, were appointed as generals, and more than a thousand riders were led to defend Chang 'an. He also worshipped Chang Hou Luqing as a general, as a general of the Northern Emperor, as a general of Longxi, as a general of Dongyang Xiangru and as a former general of Hou Dongchi. He made great contributions and rode horses to Shang Jun, Beidi, Longxi and other places to meet the Huns for more than a month. Old Khan withdrew from the Great Wall, but the Han army was expelled from the fortress and could not be killed. Since then, the Huns have been arrogant and entered the customs at the age of 20, killing many people's livestock, especially Yunzhong and Liaodong, reaching more than 10,000 people in Dai Jun. The Western Han Dynasty was so anxious that it had to send envoys to make peace with the Xiongnu. Four years after Wendi's death, Lao Shangji Zhou Khan died, and his son Li Khan still took the theory of the Bank of China as his confidant and actively prepared to attack Han.

Seeing the exultation of China's house and singing and playing again and again.

I am glad that IKEA is bright at this time.

Learn from the scriptures! Who will learn from the scriptures? Dongtu Datang! Whose main force is this? Daoism! From whom? Of course, it is the Tathagata! See the mystery? The Jade Emperor is exerting his strength to intensify the contradiction between Buddhism and Taoism through the deepening of the Buddhist scripture project. Wherever the Buddhist scripture team went, the contradiction intensified (the Monkey King, the main member of Buddhist scripture, was just a violent temper, a natural fuse and a good pawn to intensify the contradiction), and the ultimate benefit was naturally the celestial side he represented. The crane and the clam compete, and the fisherman gains! Even, fame and fortune! This explains why the Jade Emperor vigorously promoted the Buddhist scripture project!

Growing up day by day, but flourishing leaves and long melons.

Express gratitude by expressing your happiness.

Special congratulations to the alliance, this book is willing to do it better and better.

The ceremony of getting married on an auspicious day.

natural resources

Grow old together for a hundred years, and never forget the music of the harp.

Fifth, do your best to celebrate Xiong Bi's early celebration.

Uncle XX leads the whole family.

The best way to love someone is to manage yourself and give them a quality lover. If you don't try your best to be nice to someone, that person will love you desperately. Earthly feelings inevitably have a realistic side. You are valuable and your contribution is valuable.

With best wishes for a happy New Year!

There are two main sources of ladies-in-waiting, besides folk beauty contests, there are also confiscated sinners' wives and daughters. For example, Feng, the civilized queen of the Northern Wei Dynasty, whose father was worshipped as a secretariat, was punished for his crimes and was buried in the court. Zheng, the queen, was previously the concubine of rebel leader Li Na. After Li's downfall, she was made a palace maid. Li Li, a concubine in the Jin and Yuan Dynasties, was imprisoned by her parents because of her dirty laundry. According to government regulations, the jailer's daughter must enter the palace. The wives and daughters of these criminals are no different from other cloth clothes after entering the palace, and there is no discrimination at all.

After reading these lives, I feel heavy.

1, sometimes all your plans for life are not worth a bad arrangement of fate.

2. It is often because there is no better reason to say that others are selfish. When someone takes his things, you say he steals, you say he robs, but you don't say he is selfish. Only when something belongs to someone else, he wants it but can't get it, and he can't think of other words, which shows that he is selfish. True selfishness is blindly asking others to be selfless.

3. Life is like a pencil that is used constantly. It was sharp at first, and then it gradually became smooth. However, it's not good to be too smooth, which means it's almost time to cut.

The greatest glory in life lies not in never falling, but in always getting up after falling.

If someone is kind to you, remember never to lose that person.

When we grow up, we finally realize that the world may not be as beautiful as we imagined when we were young. The people we love and care about may deceive us, may leave us, we may lose the people we love, and may be betrayed. However, we will still accept all the unpleasantness we don't want to face and live bravely.

7. Some people seem to open our eyes. Therefore, people must resist lying, perfunctory, cheating, forgetting promises, putting everything down, being exquisite and calm.

8. Everyone has his own way, and every way is correct. People's misfortune is that they don't want to go their own way, but they always want to go someone else's way.

9. What we do day after day determines who we are. Therefore, the so-called Excellence does not mean behavior, but habit.

10. If someone hurts you, don't thank the person who hurt you. They didn't do anything to make you grow up. What makes you grow is your reflection and strength, so just thank yourself and the people you are with. There is only one thing for those who hurt you. I have a good life now.

1 1. Many people are not withdrawn, but socialize with principles and choices. Say a thousand words to the person you like, but not a word to others.

12, the love I want is simple. When I speak, you should listen; When I need you, you will be by my side; You didn't leave when I turned around. That's enough.

13, I always feel that no matter how much I love, the premise of starting a relationship is always to determine the other person's personality. Love can indeed change and whitewash a lot, but personality has great inertia. How Ta treats the world will treat you sooner or later. Good people may not be loyal to each other, but when the enthusiasm fades, the kind nature can at least make each other have a relatively decent turn. This turning point is related to your happiness in the future. Life is long, and no matter how much you love it, you should leave a way for yourself.

14, among a group of excellent people, I often mistakenly think I am one of them, and then forget to work hard.

15, the best feeling between two people is that they don't like each other on the surface and never give up in their hearts.

16, as long as women manage themselves, it is already great. Why do they care about men? Don't worry about obedient men; A disobedient man can't control it. Don't worry about the person who is good to you; Men who are not good to you will not let you control them. Don't worry about the man who loves you; If you don't love you, it's not your turn.

17, the speed at which you deal with emotions is the speed at which you will succeed.

18, every encounter in the world is a reunion after a long separation, and every separation may never be seen again in this life. Cherish every minute, cherish the present, cherish the people who love you and you love!

19, some people say that I got married because I was old, some people said that I got married because my parents urged me, some people said that I got married because my last relationship was hurt, and some people said that I got married because the other person's conditions were good ... It seems that I haven't heard that I am getting married for a long time, because I love someone very much and want to be with TA forever.

20. I don't love the past, I don't care about the present and I don't welcome the future.

2 1, we have worked hard to come to this world, not because of what we see every day. We have cried enough since we were born. And we, none of us can go back alive. So, don't spend all your time on depression, believe, be lonely, love, hate and dream. You have to believe that there is no unattainable tomorrow.

22. I have no dreams since I was a child. I never ask the distance on the road. I just really want to be a great person. What do you ask me? It's probably that I can protect my lover, be worthy of my friends and support my family one day.

23. Life is about knowing your own value, what you can do and what you should do.

24. My father said that nothing should be done, and I should learn what I like best. I don't trust. Just ask what you like. I like literature. Studying literature? Love reading novels and learning novels? My father said that what I like is sexual intimacy, which suits me best.

25. I really want to take the initiative to contact you, care about you, know how you have been recently, hold you tightly and tell you that I love you very much and miss you very much. But I'm sorry, my self-esteem doesn't allow me to do this.

26. Don't be too mean to those who love you. Few people really treat you well all their lives. How many people wake up when everything will be lost? Everyone has a temper and bears all the anger for you, just because that person loves you more than you.

27. I don't understand why I feel this way in the world, because at first glance, I feel a little tempted and bet on the shackles of life. I despise it, but I just live like this.

28. People don't travel outside, but also travel by sitting still and thinking. To explore, to pursue, to get in touch with those unknown situations, whether local or spiritual, is a kind of travel.

29. At that time, the future was far away and unformed, and I didn't know what my dream was called. I often walk a long way alone. When the wind blows, I feel like a fallen leaf looking up at the starry sky. I want to know: is someone coming to me from somewhere in the world? Like light, from one star to another, you appeared. Turn left again.

30. Why does a person's dream fade with age? He began to weigh life with his hands. He preferred fruit to flowers.

3 1, many relationships don't have to be too close. Meeting so many people every day, not everyone wants to be friends. Many people just skim the water. A hedge between keeps friendship green. There is no need to exchange privacy or add WeChat. Most of the grievances and enmities are because they are too close, and they are not inferior. The originally polite relationship has begun to become awkward and uncomfortable. Where there is distance, there will be respect. -Mr. Thinking

32. When the mirror is dirty, we won't mistakenly think that our face is dirty; Then why do we feel bad about ourselves when others say bad things casually?

33. Being down and out is not that you can't eat, it's not that no one cares about you. It's that you care about other people's eyes on the one hand, but you don't know where your direction is on the other.

34. A lady with real temperament never shows off everything she has. She doesn't tell people what books she has read, where she has been, how many clothes she has and what jewelry she has bought, because she has no sense of inferiority.

35. I must not be the only weirdo in this city. There must be people like me who sing to the night sky until dawn when they are empty. Maybe I will never meet him, but I am familiar with his mood.

Amazing funny quotations.

1, only the fakes are real, and the others are fake!

I left with my eyebrows drooping, just like I blinked.

I can't miss myself, I can't take care of myself, I can't take care of myself, I can't take care of myself, I can't give myself happiness.

4. A person's greatest sorrow is that he doesn't want to be himself.

5. To live is to keep tossing until one day you stop tossing.

6. I am convinced that a person will come to this world because of my torture.

7. People are tired because they can't put down their shelves, tear off their faces and untie their complex.

8. This person has been missing for many days. If there is something urgent, please summon him by summoning.

9. You take your overpass and I'll take my underground passage.

10, of course God will forgive me, because that's his profession.

1 1, teacher, when you put on this cassock, you will be an old woman.

12, Dai Yue goes to work, and the house is full of lights!

13, only women and heroes are sad, only wives and jobs are hard to find.

14, if you are destined not to give me the expected response. Then keep a safe distance.

15, when most people care about whether you fly high or not, only a few people care about whether you are tired or not. This is friendship.

16, half of men are women, and the other half is how to fuck women.

17, the real meaning of the iron rice bowl is not to have food in one place all the time, but to have food everywhere all my life.

18, not afraid of being used, afraid that you are useless.

19, patroness, please leave the old woman alone, I have a teacher at home!

20. Real good friends are not together with endless topics, but together, even if they don't talk, they won't feel embarrassed.

2 1, the real society, ruined my chance to be a good person!

22. You can't satisfy everyone, because not everyone is human!

23. Girls. At home, liberate nature; Outside, suppress personality.

24, repeat every day, crazy life, when is the end?

25. If you don't break out in the review, you will perish in the exam.

26. It's not that I ignore you, but that time is irresistible!

27. When I love you, you are what you say. What do you say you are when I don't love you?

28. Don't forget to take advantage when you lose money. This is "losing money is taking advantage".

29. I used to spend money at school, but now I spend money working.

30. Teacher, you are dead. I love Taoist priests.