Write some jokes! quick

There is such a conversation on the bus. ...

W: Will you help me dig P shares?

M: No! You can't dig it yourself? !

Woman: Help people dig! !

The people next to them began to pay attention and turned to look at them.

M: All right! But it's inconvenient on the bus. Get off and dig again. ...

Woman: People don't want it, so help them dig it now!

Man: OK, OK, I can't stand you anymore. ......

Everyone on the bus stared curiously ... only after the man picked up his cell phone and dialed the phone number. ...

M: Hello! P shares? I am a dog! I am on the bus, and May is looking for you. ...

One day, the devil took the princess away and the princess kept calling for help.

Demon: You can scream loudly, and no one will come to save you!

Princess: Broken throat! Throat is broken!

Nobody: Princess, I'm coming to save you!

Devil: Speak of the devil!

Cao Cao: Devil, what do you want me to do?

Demon: Wow! I saw a ghost!

Ghost: Oh ~ It's been discovered!

Ha: Nonsense, who found me?

Who: It's none of my business!

Demon: Oh ~ my God!

God: Who called me? ?

Who: Nobody called you!

Nobody: I didn't! !

It is said that the demon king suffered from schizophrenia ~ ~ ~ ~

The priest and the nun went to play golf.

The first one missed, Abbe: Damn it, missed.

Sister: Please don't say that. It's disrespectful.

The second one missed, Abbe: Damn, it missed.

Sister: Please don't say any more. If you say that again, you will be cursed.

The third one hasn't been hit yet, Abe: Damn it, it hasn't been hit.

Suddenly the sky thundered and there was a loud noise, and the nun was killed by lightning.

The sound stopped, and a voice came from the sky: damn, it's crooked.

In the fridge.

1 egg said to two eggs.

"Hey, look ~ look ~ `The fifth egg is disgusting. It is covered with Mao Mao. "

The second egg said to the third egg

"Hey, look ~ look ~ `The fifth egg is disgusting, and the color is the same as shit."

The third egg said to the fourth egg

"Hey, look ~ look ~ `The fifth egg is disgusting. Mao Mao is covered with it, and the color is the same as shit."

The fourth egg said to the fifth egg

.............

The fifth egg said

Get out, I'm Kiwi! !

It is said that an old farmer couldn't find a toilet when he went to town, so he went to a high-end hotel and told the waiter that he wanted to borrow the toilet.

The waiter said yes, but he had to pay 50 yuan money. The old farmer gritted his teeth and said, "Bingo!"

Then run into the toilet. After going in, the old farmer found that there was no pit in the toilet like his home, so he found a newspaper to cover it and wrapped it carefully. Seeing a hole in the wall, I stuffed it in. When he came out, he said, "The toilets in this city are really strange. . . "

Half a minute later, the waiter who went in to clean came out with a bill of 100 yuan and said, "grandpa, I'll give you one hundred yuan." Can you tell me how you pull it? "

-I saw a wall full of poop in the toilet. -The hole plugged by the old farmer is a toilet vent (with a fan). . .

The bear and the rabbit found a bottle in the forest. When they opened the bottle, a fairy appeared. The fairy said, thank you for letting me out. I can grant you three wishes.

The bear said, I hope all the bears in this forest are females except me. Well, the fairy helped him realize his wish.

The bear said, no, I hope the whole world is a female bear except me. Well, the fairy helped him realize his wish.

Finally, the bear said, I hope all these females love me. Well, the fairy realized his wish.

Next is the rabbit.

The rabbit said, I want a scooter. The fairy gave the rabbit a motorcycle.

The rabbit said, I want a helmet. The fairy gave the rabbit a helmet.

The rabbit finally said, I hope this bear is gay.

This is the funniest joke I have ever heard in my life. It's about penguins going to play with polar bears. There are already four versions ~

Marketer: Kid, do you have any dogs, kittens, rabbits or birds at home?

Child: No, my mother gave birth to me!

Q: What animal is the best?

A: Pigs, because pigs (pearls) are experts.

Q: What animal sticks to the wall most easily?

A: Sea (newspaper) leopard

Q: What happens when a fat man falls from 12 floor?

fat person

Q: Who will help you eat when you are full?

A: Feilong, because Feilong is added in units of (days).

Q: A puppy was traveling in the desert and then died. How did he die?

A: He suffocated because there was no telephone pole to pee in the desert.

Q: A puppy was traveling in the desert and found a telephone pole, but it was still suffocated. Why?

A: There is a sign on the dotted pole, which says "No peeing here".

Q: A puppy was traveling in the desert and found a telephone pole. Nothing stuck to it, but it was stuffy. Why?

A: Many puppies are waiting in line.

Q: A puppy was traveling in the desert and found a telephone pole. There is nothing posted on it, and there is a queue. The result is still suffocating. Why?

A: Because there are two beautiful dogs MM behind him, he is very embarrassed.

The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: "Oh, sorry, not that much."

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay.

The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

Boss: "Sorry, there is still no"

"well. . . "The little white rabbit left in dismay again.

On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred steamed buns?"

The boss said happily, "Yes, yes, we have a hundred buns today! ! "

The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I'll buy two!" " "

There is a person who looks particularly like a bicycle. As a result, one day she stood on the road and rode away.

There was a man who looked like an onion, and one day he left.

I cried as I walked.

One day, two bananas were walking on the road. The front one said it was hot, so he took off his clothes. As a result, the back one fell down.

One day, Xiao Qiang asked his father, "Dad, am I a stupid child?" Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?"

What happened to a rabbit in the company?

The first company

Boss: Tutu, are you busy at work today?

Tutu: Not busy.

After work, the boss said to Tutu: You don't have to come tomorrow.

Tutu: Why?

Boss: I'm not busy because I can't work for the company more. What does the company want you to do?

* The second company

Boss: Tutu, are you busy at work today?

Tutu: Very busy.

After work, the boss said to Tutu: You don't have to come tomorrow.

Tutu: Why?

Boss: Because you are disorganized, you will be busy all day. What does the company want you to do?

* The third company

Boss: Tutu, are you busy at work today?

Tutu: Not bad.

After work, the boss said to Tutu: You don't have to come tomorrow.

Tutu: Why?

Boss: Because you are irrational, there are "yes" or "no" places. What does the company want you to do?

* The fourth company

Boss: Tutu, are you busy at work today?

Tutu: Just finished.

After work, the boss said to Tutu: You don't have to come tomorrow.

Tutu: Why?

Boss: Because you are so inefficient, can't you check it after you finish? What does the company want from you?

* The fifth company

Boss: Tutu, are you busy at work today?

Tutu: Some of them have finished the inspection, and now they are doing something else. After work, the boss said to Tutu: You don't have to come tomorrow.

Tutu: Why?

Boss: Because you are not systematic, won't you do something together? What does the company want from you?

* The sixth company

Boss: Tutu, are you busy at work today?

Tutu: I have finished all the work and am helping others. After work, the boss said to Tutu: You don't have to come tomorrow.

Tutu: Why?

Boss: Because you don't have a plan, won't you plan what to do tomorrow? What does the company want from you?

* The seventh company

Boss: Tutu, are you busy at work today?

Tutu: Today's work is finished, and so is tomorrow's work. After work, the boss said to Tutu: You don't have to come tomorrow.

Tutu: Why?

Boss: Because you don't consider the whole, won't you help your colleagues solve problems? What does the company want from you?

* The eighth company

Boss: Tutu, are you busy at work today?

Tutu: I have finished today's work and tomorrow's work, and now I am helping my colleagues.

After work, the boss said to Tutu: You don't have to come tomorrow.

Tutu: Why?

Boss: Because you are too pushy, your help is likely to cause laziness or stress in others. What does the company want from you?

* The ninth company

Boss: Tutu, are you busy at work today?

Tutu: Wait a minute, I'll think about it before I answer you.

After work, the boss said to Tutu: You don't have to come tomorrow.

Tutu: Why?

Boss: You are very arrogant. I keep asking you questions. Why does the company want you?

* The tenth company

Boss: Tutu, are you busy at work today?

Tu Tu: I ... I ... No, I don't know ... how to answer you.

After work, the boss said to Tutu: You don't have to come tomorrow.

Tutu: Why?

Boss: Because you don't even know whether you are busy or not, what does the company want you to do?

* Eleventh Company

Boss: Tutu, are you busy at work today?

Tutu: Fuck you, I quit ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Boss: Hey! If you have personality, our company won't let you go!

● White rabbit and big bear

The little white rabbit and the big bear were walking in the forest and accidentally kicked over a jar.

An elf came out of the pot and said that he could satisfy their three wishes.

The bear said, turn it into the strongest bear in the world. Its wish has come true.

The little white rabbit said, give it a small helmet. Its wish has also come true.

The bear said, turn it into the most beautiful bear in the world. Its wish has come true again.

The little white rabbit said, give it a bike. Its wish has come true again.

The bear said, turn all other bears in the world into bitches!

The little white rabbit got on the bike and said as he ran, turn this bear into a homosexual. ...

● Wife: I really stepped on shit before I married you.

Husband: I was really blind enough to step on shit before I married you.

……

Shit: I'm so unlucky! Lying there, you both stepped on it. ...

A man went fishing by the river. He wore a leaf first, but no fish took the bait for a long time. He changed a piece of bread, but no fish took the bait for a long time. So he had to change earthworms, but no fish took the bait for a long time. ...

In a rage, he took out 100 RMB! Fall into the water!

Tnnd~~ What to eat! Buy it yourself! !

An old woman stopped a bus at the stop sign.

As soon as the car door opened, grandma asked the driver, driver! Have you ever been to Xingtiangong?

The driver replied: Yes!

At this time, the grandmother didn't get on the bus, just nodded, answered "Oh" and walked on.

The driver felt strange. I have already answered you. Why don't you get in the car?

The driver realized that grandma was old, so he followed her and drove the car forward slowly without closing the door.

Driver: I went to heaven!

Grandma: Oh!

Driver: It's really here!

Grandma: Oh!

Driver: I'm really here!

At this time, grandma said impatiently, I know! I won't go until tomorrow!

"I can't see things too far away," the patient said to the ophthalmologist.

"Please follow me," the doctor took the patient outside and pointed to the sun in the sky. "What do you think that is?"

"The sun", the patient replied.

"Then how far do you want to see!"

Late one night, when a young woman passed by a mental hospital, there was a sudden "wow" behind her. The woman turned her head and saw a naked man chasing her. The woman began to run in fear, and the man behind her followed. No, there's a dead end ahead. Desperate, the woman knelt on the ground and cried and begged, "Whatever, just don't kill me." The man smiled cunningly and said, "Really? Then you start chasing me now. "

There is an old lady in a mental hospital. Every day, she wears black clothes and carries a black umbrella. She squatted at the gate of the mental hospital. The doctor thinks that to cure her, we must start with understanding her. So doctors also wear black clothes and carry black umbrellas. They squatted there with her. They were silent for a month. The old lady finally said to the doctor: I'm sorry ... you. ...

● One day, Xiao Qiang asked his father, "Dad, am I a stupid child?" Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?"

One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountain to pick fruit.

He announced: "children, we can wash the fruit together after picking it, and we can eat it together after washing."

All the children went to pick fruit.

As soon as the assembly time came, all the children got together.

Teacher: "Xiaohua, what do you have?"

Xiaohua: "I am washing apples because I picked them."

Teacher: "What about you, Xiaomei?"

Xiaomei: "I'm washing tomatoes because I picked tomatoes."

Teacher: "The children are great! What about Amin? "

A-Ming: "I'm washing cloth shoes because I stepped on shit."

One day, a black stool saw a white stool.

The black stool asked, Why are you so white and beautiful?

White shit is very angry!

He said: I am not shit! I am ice cream! ! !

One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.

The snake said, "I am too young to fart so smelly." It must be a cow. 」

The cow said, "I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly." 」

The pig said, "people who fart will blush." 」

Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out, knocked the pig away, and said, "How many times have I told you, I was born blushing. 」

Version 1: It is said that there is a penguin whose home is far from the polar bear's home. It will take 20 years to get there on foot. One day, Penguin was particularly bored at home, so he went out to play with polar bears, but on the way, he found that he forgot to turn off the gas at home. It has been 65,438+00 years, but the gas still has to be turned off, so the penguin went home and turned off the gas. After turning off the gas, the penguin set out again to look for the polar bear, which means it took him 40 years to reach the polar bear's home ... Then the penguin knocked on the door and said, "Polar bear, polar bear, penguin wants to play with you!" " "As a result, after the polar bear opened the door, guess what he said ..." I won't play with you! " "

Version 2: It is said that there is a penguin whose home is far from the polar bear's home. It will take 20 years to get there on foot. One day, the penguin stayed at home and was bored. He was going to play with polar bears, so he went out, but on the way, he found that he forgot to lock the door. It's been 10 years, but the door still has to be locked, so the penguin went home to lock it. After locking the door, the penguin set out again to look for the polar bear, which means it took him 40 years to reach the polar bear's home ... Then the penguin knocked on the door and said, "Polar bear, polar bear, penguin wants to play with you!" " "As a result, after the polar bear opened the door, guess what he said ..." Let's go to your house to play ~ "

Version 3: It is said that there is a penguin whose home is far from the polar bear's home. It will take 20 years to get there on foot. One day, the penguin was particularly bored at home and wanted to find a polar bear to play with. He went out with him, but on the way, he found that he forgot to turn off the refrigerator at home. It's been 10 years, but the refrigerator is about to close, so the penguin went home and closed the refrigerator. After turning off the refrigerator, the penguin set out to look for the polar bear again, which means it took him 40 years to reach the polar bear's home ... Then the penguin knocked on the door and said, "Polar bear, polar bear, penguin wants to play with you!" " As a result, the polar bear shouted to the outside without even opening the door this time: "I don't want to play! " "

Version 4: It is said that there is a penguin whose home is far from the polar bear's home. It will take 20 years to get there on foot. One day, the penguin was particularly bored at home and wanted to find a polar bear to play with. He went out with him, but on the way, he found that he forgot to turn off the refrigerator at home. It's been 10 years, but the refrigerator is about to close, so the penguin went home and closed the refrigerator. After turning off the refrigerator, the penguin set out to look for the polar bear again, which means it took him 40 years to reach the polar bear's home ... Then the penguin knocked on the door and said, "Polar bear, polar bear, penguin wants to play with you!" " "As a result, the polar bear is not here. The neighbor seal told him that the polar bear just came home yesterday and said that he forgot to turn off the refrigerator. Today, he has set off to play with penguins.

The cock pinched the hen's neck and said, "how can there be melamine in the egg?" Are you lying to me and the cow? " The hen said, "Wrong, it is obvious that you secretly ate the milk of a cow. Come back and fight!" " "So I quarreled with Aunt Citrus to judge. Aunt Citrus said, "Don't make so much noise. I'm still annoyed myself. After sleeping, I have someone else's child in my stomach. Who am I looking for?

It is said that thousands of years ago, both male and female dogs were squatting when urinating.

It was not until the Tang Dynasty that the situation changed. ...

Everyone has heard of Emperor Taizong! His old man keeps a pair of Beijing dogs. On one occasion, Emperor Taizong went to Huashan to worship heaven and brought this pair to. ...

Halfway through the sacrifice, the bitch suddenly felt anxious and ran behind a tree to solve it.

This is a very disrespectful act when offering sacrifices to heaven, which angered the jade emperor.

The Jade Emperor ordered Lei Gong to hit a thunder, and the thunder hit the tree just right. The tree fell and killed the bitch. The male dog was very scared when he saw it. ...

From then on, every time the male dog urinates under the tree, he will put out a foot and push it hard against the tree.

In case the tree falls by itself. ...

A woman gave birth to twins. One is called nipple and the other is called watermelon.

One day, I lost my nipple

The woman ran to the police station and said, "Mr. Police, Mr. Police, I dropped my nipple."

The policeman asked the woman, "How big are your nipples?"

The woman said, "My nipples are as big as watermelons."

Guess a human organ, hint 1: one on the left and one on the right; Tip 2: arc, soft; Tip 3: Some people will put a lid on it; Tip 4: Sensitive zone. The answer is ... earlobe. I want to go to the bathroom wall for 5 hours.

Reading today, I was depressed to see that Emperor Kangxi became the king of a country at the age of twenty-three. But when I saw that Emperor Tongzhi had been dead for four years at the age of twenty-three, my heart was balanced.

A girl wrote a love letter to Li Shansi and handed it to him personally, saying, "Here you are, Sisi."

So Li Shansi took the love letter and tore it up.

A girl wrote a love letter to Ke Qingwen and handed it to him personally, saying, "Here you are, Wen."

So, Ke Qingwen took the love letter and said, "Well, it smells good!"

A girl wrote a love letter to Hu Ziyi and handed it to him personally, saying, "Yi, here you are."

So Hu Ziyi took the love letter and said, "Fuck off, I don't have an aunt!" " "

References:

It took me a long time to get it.