The group discussion on Douban’s “Both Parents Are Harmful” was too heartbreaking: What’s behind it? The missing sense of family boundaries

Author ｜?Don’t Eat Bitter Melon

When I am bored, I always like to browse Douban and read the discussions on social beings. A group called "Parents Are A Disaster" caught my attention.

Click in and you’ll find a discussion group with about 7,000 people, filled with all kinds of dissatisfaction with families and parents.

Only those who have given birth to children can better understand the destructive power of these words, which makes people sad to see them. So what is the reason that makes these children so angry? ?

After in-depth observation, I found that all the resentments were not groundless. Behind the "desire for control", "conflict" and "depression" were the failures of family education. Sequelae caused by a lack of sense of boundaries.

What is a sense of family boundaries? To put it simply, parents have no clear and fixed boundaries with their children in terms of physical safety, privacy, choice control, and ability deprivation.

In our daily life, we like to use "intimacy" to describe the harmonious relationship between the two parties. Parents also hope to become friends with their children who talk about everything. However, if the relationship between family roles becomes " "Intimate" sometimes changes its flavor.

Too many orders and interference blurred the original boundaries between Chu, He and Han. As a result, this negative energy was completely absorbed by the children.

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Recently, "Little Joy" has become popular. Several different types of families are shown in the play, and there are also reproductions and reflections on college entrance examinations, husband-wife relationships, career life, etc. , making netizens shout "real" and "enjoyable" while becoming fans.

In the "divorced" family composed of mother and daughter Song Qian and daughter Yingzi, Song Qian vividly demonstrated her excessive desire to control her daughter's life.

Being a commentator, playing Lego... seemingly trivial things, for Song Qian, are a scourge that affects her performance, and she is strongly resisted. In order for Yingzi to study, she simply made a "soundproof room" at home and could monitor Yingzi's status at any time through the glass window.

She asked Yingzi to write a wish of 700 points on the balloon at the swearing-in ceremony, but CNSA (China National Space Administration) was abandoned. When Yingzi came in second place in the exam, what she received was not encouragement from her mother, but the rebuke of "I've come in second place, what's there to be happy about?"

In Song Qian's opinion, apart from studying hard and getting admitted to Tsinghua University and Peking University, there should be nothing else in Yingzi's world. My daughter must be number one in the world.

The careful planning step by step and the heavy pressure time and time again made it difficult for Yingzi to breathe. As the saying goes, where there is oppression, there is resistance. In the end, Yingzi closed her heart to her mother and said the words "I hate you."

Leo Tolstoy said: "Happy families are all alike, and every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

Yingzi is lucky to have such a mother. Still unfortunate. If Yingzi suffered from mental pressure, then there were others who were enduring both physical and mental torture.

The Korean film "Daughter" also tells the story of a mother's intense control over her daughter.

When Xiaobai comes home from school, the first thing he does must be to take a bath, and his mother must do it herself. He must eat two bowls when eating. If he does not eat completely, he will be beaten severely by his mother.

Under such discipline, Xiaobai felt wronged but could only bite her fingers and cry secretly. She did not dare to resist. It was not until her mother died of cancer that she was freed.

There is no privacy space, and parents have a tight grip on control. It is hard for us to imagine what a child has gone through in his heart, whether he would sit alone in a corner in the dead of night, wondering how real the love from his mother is.

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Whether you choose to control or be too domineering, you blur the boundaries of getting along with your children.

If your child's room is messy, don't help him tidy it up, because he knows where the materials he didn't finish reading last night are placed; don't set an alarm clock to wake up the child at will. He will be annoyed if he is late for school. Will complain to parents.

Arranging too many children's lives and depriving them of the right to choose is a bad habit that parents enjoy doing but cannot reflect on themselves.

The Beckham family should be regarded as a model of happiness in the entertainment industry, with three handsome sons, a lovely daughter, and a smart and capable wife. But recently, due to the couple's over-arrogance, the child has been labeled a "waste".

Dabu, who was born in 1999, was really born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and the Beckhams also doted on him. Dabu is very talented in football. People in the industry said that if he improves his studies, he can surpass his father in just a short time. However, Dabu feels that his father's aura is too strong, so he resolutely chooses his favorite photography.

For the sake of his son’s future, Beckham took it upon himself to help him meet Prince Charles, hoping to get an internship opportunity for a royal documentary. On the other hand, Beckham was no less impressive, carefully organizing photography exhibitions and publishing books. Take full control of his son's photography career.

But the ending was shocking. In 4 months, 3,890 copies of the new book were sold, and fans complained that the book was too low. A rating of 2.5 was considered high, and the business ability was really not that good.

With top-notch resources and opportunities at his fingertips, Dabu failed to work hard, gave up halfway, and ultimately achieved nothing. In your twenties, you are like a giant baby, unable to withstand the test of life, and your good cards are ruined.

If Dabu had no retreat, he might have been able to stay active in football, put aside his father's halo over time, and create a new show of his own. Relying on your parents can make others envious; relying on yourself can truly make others admire you.

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Educator Sun Xiaoyun once said: The essence of family education is to change the parents themselves, and the key to this change is to grow up with their children voluntarily.

If someone asks me, how should I clarify the boundaries of family relationships? I can tell you for sure that there are only two words, that is: understand!

Zhang Yiqing, director of the documentary "Kindergarten", said in an interview with reporters:

There is a question for both Chinese and foreign teachers - how to be a good teacher? The Chinese teacher replied ‘love children’.

This is understandable and is consistent with the answer of most of our parents. The answer given by Western teachers is ‘understand the children’.

Understand the world in the child's eyes, understand the child's dislikes and loves, and understand everything the child accepts or rejects.

There once was a child who didn’t like to make friends with anyone. Everyone around him felt that he was out of place. Adults thought he was not social, and children thought he was difficult to get along with. But he said: I like someone alone. I feel like no one can force me to make friends, this is my freedom.

Indeed, no one stipulates that a person must have three or five friends in his life. The child's world is very simple. A table is a table, and he doesn't care whether it is made of valuable mahogany. When we understand our children’s thoughts, we won’t interfere too much.

Don’t be the “disaster” in your children’s mouth, understand Long Live, although it is difficult, but please try your best!